DD is already planning what school her children will go to, etc. Please help! She's only 17!! AIBU to think it's a bit concerning?

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Hi,

DD is 17 and is a smart girl, doing A-levels and works for a small animal shelter. She doesn't have many friends though, maybe 1 or 2 and seriously hates having to meet up with them, if she has agreed to go somewhere, all I hear is "oh, I have that tomorrow, how annoying" and I'm there thinking how it's supposed to be fun! She doesn't particularly enjoy her age group. She gets on well with her work colleagues (who are older) but still wouldn't ever meet them outside work. She works hard on homework and makes sure everything is done, helps around the house and I could really ask for more, but I'm worried about her.

Can I just say, I'm not concerned that she's going to become a young mum, there is no way, she says full well that she doesn't want to be a mum right now. However, she has this book (that she happily shares with us all) about her future plans. When I first heard of it, I was expected little goals she wants to reach, etc. Oh no, it's full of child's full names, including how she wants the surname, what's schools she will consider, what clubs she will start them in, it's very detailed and a bit... odd? I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to offend her, but I'm really not understanding it. I appreciate some girls like to plan baby names and weddings, I did! But it's how she has the cost of clubs they will attend (swimming) etc.

Could someone please tell me if this is a form of OCD? It wouldn't surprise me as she was having CBT when she was 12 for something different, but still obsessive.

She writes down the cost of school uniform (and where she will get it), where their hair will be cut, how much shopping will be, it actually really upsets me because it's like her life is just being wasted doing all this unneeded planning, she shouldn't be doing it at her age.

Any advice would be amazing, thanks ever so much.

B

Is it affecting hers or anyone else's lives in a negative way? If not then who cares if it's odd? Is she maybe totting up what the kind of lifestyle she wants will cost to help her choose a career that will cover it?

I meant emotionally abused. Not EAST. I'm sure that's not happening in your house.

I'm sure it's like what a lot of others have said and just an older version of playing grown ups.

I did this as a teenager. I had everything planned, costed out etc, even down to how much I would need to save per month to allow me to have a full 12 months maternity leave! I was going to have two children, Ben and Jessica, and I was planning on homeschooling them. I had lesson plans and everything.

I also ran a fictional riding school; I'd drawn pictures of all the horses, had a feeding and training schedule, stable layouts sketched up and a timetable of lessons and pupils which I updated daily after their lesson and spent hours allocating horses and planning what they were going to learn.

I've always been a bit of a daydreamer and I like to plan and list everything, but my life hasn't turned out anything like I planned.

Never wrote it down, for fear of anyone seeing it...big family... But had complete fictional daydream life and fictional plans for future. Co existed quite happily with real life...

Saiosie now you mentioned it I used to spend hours doing the same thing. I had fantasy lives, relationships etc when I was a teenager. This also went along side normal life didn't impact me much. However OP I think this may be a coping mechanism for your daughter. I used to do this often during periods of unhappiness and stress. However completely forgot about this as it was so long ago. If people knew at the time they may have been concerned too as they are so detailed. E.g. Boyfriend detailed details of looks, name,profession etc Also think I was heavily influenced by mills and boons at the time

Was also going to say it sounds like ASD. When I was her age I had a bunch of notebooks listing everyone in my year, rating them on coolness and beauty and tracking a bunch of factors like whether they smoked, alcohol tolerance, etc, trying to figure out why some people were deemed cool and others weren't.

20 years later I can confirm that smoking as a teenager makes you look at least 10 years older than your peers when you are 40.

Had plenty of imaginary people in my head for socialising with. Again, once I left school and found lots of friends, I stopped with most of the imaginary stuff.

I don't think it's too odd necessarily, the prices are a bit extreme but at least she knows how expensive they are

Although a word of caution...

I'm not concerned that she's going to become a young mum, there is no way, she says full well that she doesn't want to be a mum right now.

My mum thought that, because I said the same at 17, and 18, and when I'd just turned 19... a month after turning 19 I was pregnant. Don't lull yourself into a false sense of security - I'm not saying it's definitely going to happen, I'm just saying my mum thought the same, and it affected her reaction when she found out I was pregnant and risked the excellent relationship we had/have.

I have to admit I have done this, and still do a bit, but on a less extreme level. Ambition is good, but my main concern would be that she might get disappointed at best if things don't turn out how she had hoped, and at worst it could lead to feeling unfulfilled and depressed.

I used to pour over the property paper as a 13yo looking for my future house!

Then I'd make lists from the Argos catalogue of what furniture I would buy and how much it would cost. Kept a running total.

Does she spend a lot of time on mumsnet? She might have been influenced by what's on here?

I did something similar, not at 17, I was a big older but I was like that. For me it was an escape into this fictual future because I was anxious and struggling majorly with my present. Maybe she has things going on you don't know about.

it's a bit odd but sounds harmless enough? she will grow out of it, would be my bet suggestion. as she sounds like she's pretty sensible and productive otherwise. nothing wrong with not wanting to socialise with fellow 17 year olds imo...