DD is already planning what school her children will go to, etc. Please help! She's only 17!! AIBU to think it's a bit concerning?

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Hi,

DD is 17 and is a smart girl, doing A-levels and works for a small animal shelter. She doesn't have many friends though, maybe 1 or 2 and seriously hates having to meet up with them, if she has agreed to go somewhere, all I hear is "oh, I have that tomorrow, how annoying" and I'm there thinking how it's supposed to be fun! She doesn't particularly enjoy her age group. She gets on well with her work colleagues (who are older) but still wouldn't ever meet them outside work. She works hard on homework and makes sure everything is done, helps around the house and I could really ask for more, but I'm worried about her.

Can I just say, I'm not concerned that she's going to become a young mum, there is no way, she says full well that she doesn't want to be a mum right now. However, she has this book (that she happily shares with us all) about her future plans. When I first heard of it, I was expected little goals she wants to reach, etc. Oh no, it's full of child's full names, including how she wants the surname, what's schools she will consider, what clubs she will start them in, it's very detailed and a bit... odd? I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to offend her, but I'm really not understanding it. I appreciate some girls like to plan baby names and weddings, I did! But it's how she has the cost of clubs they will attend (swimming) etc.

Could someone please tell me if this is a form of OCD? It wouldn't surprise me as she was having CBT when she was 12 for something different, but still obsessive.

She writes down the cost of school uniform (and where she will get it), where their hair will be cut, how much shopping will be, it actually really upsets me because it's like her life is just being wasted doing all this unneeded planning, she shouldn't be doing it at her age.

Any advice would be amazing, thanks ever so much.

B

I'm a bit of a list maker so I can understand making detailed plans of fantasy ideas that aren't really going to happen (I remember making a detailed plan about what I was going to do with my Euro lottery winnings......I've never even bought a ticket). I don't think the fact that it's odd should bother you but maybe I'd be slightly concerned that she was living too much in fantasy rather than trying to build an actual life for herself. Is she socially anxious or awkward or is she just happier in her own company?

Haven't read everybody's answers but is it really so different from playing The Sims type games?

I planned out a coffee shop business including sitting in coffee shops for hours counting the number of customers and what they ordered, the cost of each item and the profit margins etc. Drew floor plans and sourced and costed the furniture etc. Looked into business rates and tax requirements etc. Wrote very detailed plans in several notebooks. Made budgets and profit and loss forecasts in Excel. Between the ages of 17 and 21. No doubt friends and family found it odd. But I enjoyed it and it kept me occupied!

If she is enjoying doing this costing out and planning then there's no harm in it. She could simply have the kind of personality that relaxes by being mentally active rather than passive - I would much rather stay home and try a new cake recipe than force myself to the pub to chat with a group of friends for example. Doesn't mean I can't make friends though or that I don't sometimes spend time in a group. I just find it boring compared to other leisure activities. Maybe DD is gaining confidence in her own preferences.

Yes it is a bit odd, only because of the level of detail. I don't recall ever thinking last names and stuff really. I understand your concern rather than being carefree enjoying time with friends she seems more focussed on the serious stuff. Do think maybe she is anxious about growing up and his things will turn out, so maybe she thinks plant like this will endure things working out? Just s thought

Bless, she's just daydreaming. One of the girls spent weeks putting together a wedding arrangements folder when she was younger - dress, venues etc all chosen but no boyfriend in sight!

I used to do similar things to this when I was young and my parent's friends tease me about it now... ie. "When I first met you, you told me in great detail about your wedding and children's names!" I think looking back now its because I was insecure and actually didn't have a lot going on. By 18 I was going out and living live so it all went by the wayside!
I do have OCD and have had CBT for obsessional thoughts. I used to worry a lot about the future so planning it seemed to be me taking control. Its all about control really isn't it? When I went travelling I started living in the here and now a bit more.
Now at mid 30s I am married with dc and I do wish I had spent less of my teen years worrying and planning.
I would guide her to having a bigger social circle and encourage her to plan a trip away (Gap year maybe) rather than plan things she has no control over.

Being a well-behaved schoolgirl is so boring. At least her fantasies don't involve murder and mayhem -- was a bit of an anti-mainstream fad in my own senior school and early uni days. Also among top-scoring, quite introverted girls.

At least you have the tools to discuss it with her and point out the pitfalls.
My own DD is dead set that she is going to Imperial College in October 2020 to study Physics with Theoretical Physics. Apparently she will live in a flat near Borough Market and hang out there a lot.
I don't even know what Physics with Theoretical Physics actually is, so I have no idea whether this is a Good Plan or not. But that's ok, obviously I don't need to know anything because she knows everything.
I always thought the plan was the civil service, which I can discuss ad nauseum.

This is similar to playing the Sims, imagining yourself as a character in a book or watching soaps and putting yourself in the scenario. It's like an adult version of a dolls house or playing mummies and daddies. I wouldn't be worried about it.

I used to do that at her age. Now I am 35 I don't have any kids or any plans for any . I think it was something to do to pass the time.

I used to do this with holiday brochures! Would calculate how much it would cost, find favourite spot, design the hotel in my head... We never even went to any of those places, haha.

I think you are overthinking this, she will probably change her mind on most things when she's actually pregnant :)

I did something a bit similar I guess, in that I listed all the horses in my (imaginary) stables, their namies, their colours, tack, even supplements.... I knew it was odd as I remember hiding it! I think I just liked the organisation and neatness of writing it down.

Most people say dream; some of us do it in huge detail and technicolor.

When I was younger I'd go through catalogues writing down baby furniture and other bits an bobs related an it's prices, I wasn't pregnant or planned any time soon

I don't see anything wrong with this. I did similar at her age, but without the costs.

It's just daydreaming, but a bit more structured. Some people really love the detail

It is odd but doesn't sound like OCD at all. There's a (wrong) perception that OCD is short for being a bit obsessive but it really is so much more than that. Obsessive - intrusive, reoccurring thoughts that cause anxiety and distress. Compulsive - physical actions or routines that are carried out to relieve the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Disorder - not just a character quirk, a systematic fault in brain function.

Obsessions and compulsions are most often motivated by the need to keep oneself and the sufferers loved ones safe from harm. Neither are carried out for the pleasure or enjoyment of the sufferer.

Not quite the same thing but I used to interview myself for the NME. I had track listings for my "albums". I was best mates with Kate Bush and lived in a very specific 4 storey townhouse in Islington. I stopped it at about 18 when I met a lot of new people and my real life became interesting.

To me it sounds a bit like autism/aspergers traits actually, especially when you say that she has few friends and doesn't really like socialising with people her age.

Of course nobody can make a diagnosis on the internet, but autism does present differently in girls and it is frequently missed due to the "obsessions" being over "normal" girl things like boy bands. It is the first time she's done these sorts of lists?

I'm someone who like to make lists and plan things that will never happen . I remember making a list of rules and uniform etc when I was about 10 for a boarding school I was going to set up and I now keep detailed spreadsheets of boring stuff, like how much I spend on unhealthy foods vs vegetables and graphs of my sporting performance. However, I would freely admit that I have some mild autistic traits....

Hi I did something similar at her age. But I know why I did it. I come from a very broken home. 3 kids e dad's situation. At the time I was being EAST by my mum and steady and was trying to find a way out. I was doing a levels. Not pregnant or planning to be. But I had this crazy idea in my head that whatever my future held for me if I had kids I would end up a single mum and wanted to know that with the right job I could afford all these things and they wouldn't go without having. I had this stupid idea that any man I was with would have a child wig me and I would drive them crazy and they would leave. This happened 3 times to my mum. 3rd one recently. So twice when I was doing this. Anyways. I don't know what your family set up is but is there anything that's happened in the past or now that might trigger this?

Or she might just have goals and aspirations and want to know she is prepared to be a good mother in the future. I wouldn't say it is anything to worry about.

Maybe she is worried about her future financially and just checking how she can sort it out in the future. If anything I think she is being quite clever. She Is trying to be clued up!

X

My sister did exactly this, she had her whole life worked out in notebooks. She used to update it periodically when her fancy switched from having a chocolate labrador called Harley to a cocker spaniel called Buster or what have you. It was basically playing house, just a slightly more grown up version, and written down.

She's a totally normal adult now, we periodically get the notebooks out at Christmas and tease her about it (and needless to say none of her plans have turned out the way she wrote them...)

It sounds like a teenagers diary. I had detailed costings of my future hamster breeding business amongst lots of other things. Were you meant to see it? I would have been quite shy to show this sort of thing to anyone.

Sorry - I see she is happy to share it. Don't tell her you think it is odd and all will be fine I am sure

I think it's fine.

When my DD was about 6 she and her best friend used to plan their future flat share when they left home. It used to upset me a bit that it was their favourite game but there was nothing wrong with it. DD is 12 now and actively teaching herself recipes so that she is properly prepared for university

When I was mid teens I had an a4 notebook with a massive list of what was going to go my house. It was all from the argos catalogue it included prices and sizes of everything. Id also uodate it when a new catalogue came out. In the end it looked like it would cost about 2k to fully furnish my house. I found out when I moved that was not the case...