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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my holiday has been ruined

68 replies

Halle71 · 19/01/2017 21:56

There is a back story - I wrote a post in the summer about ILs descending from NZ for 3 weeks and DH was really nasty to me because I'm pretty introverted and found it hard to handle. I get on fine with them when we visit them but we are out and about doing our own thing rather than sitting in the house as they do here.

Anyway, in October we booked to go to Thailand for 2 weeks and they invited themselves - said they have a free week in Vietnam so they will come to Thailand before or after. I wasn't best pleased. Who the fuck does that? Invite themselves on other people holidays? I thought if I ignored it they might not do it. I told DH that if they have to, they can do the last week so we have a week by ourselves first.
Just got out of the gym to find a Viber from MIL to say they are booking 5-15 April.
We are there 1 (but arrive on 2nd) to 16. We leave v early that day.
So we have 3 days alone.
He won't pick up the phone and I'm on the bus shaking with anger.
We are booking our Xmas flights to NZ this weekend and I'm going to tell him to fuck off.
Sorry for the rant, like I said, I'm shaking!

OP posts:
GrouchyKiwi · 19/01/2017 22:23

My parents live in NZ (well, more precisely, my family is in NZ and I live here) and I wouldn't be happy about them inviting themselves on our holiday. Nor would I be happy if my ILs invited themselves.

Saying Yes to an invitation is a different matter.

Hope your DH is able to sort it, OP. YANBU.

BarbarianMum · 19/01/2017 22:24

I can sort of see why they'd do this - given where you both live I guess they don't see much of you. But for the whole holiday is far too much a d you should definitely arrange to have the first week to yourselves.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 22:25

The issue here is not so much your ILs but the fact that your DH gets angry with you when you dont fall into line with what he wants and blantantly ignores you when you ask him to do compromise.

As always....a DH problem not an IL problem.

AdoraBell · 19/01/2017 22:25

Hope he backs you up OP, or he could move back in to his old room, maybe that would make Mummy happy.

beachbodyunready · 19/01/2017 22:28

I can see why you're upset but I can't see anyway that you will be able to put them off without upsetting them. As others have said you don't get to see much of them and they may not be fit and able bodied enough to consider trips like this in years to come. Suck it up enjoy the free babysit and endeavour to book late next year so that this won't be possible.

Smitff · 19/01/2017 22:28

Family isn't "other people", but this is still out of order. Your family holiday, your annual holiday, should be spent relaxing and having fun. Not possible with MIL/FIL around. You are not as comfortable with them as they are with your DH.

Don't go at Xmas, and keep the kids with you. You have not joined their family, your families have joined together.

Backt0Black · 19/01/2017 22:29

Just no! assumptive, unthinking and just rude! You tried to compromise but theyve just steamrollered ALL OVER your holiday.

Is MiL hoping to restart breastfeeding your DH on the hol too?

LindyHemming · 19/01/2017 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 19/01/2017 22:32

《Is MiL hoping to restart breastfeeding your dh》

Do you also think that mothers who are close to their daughters want to breastfeed them or are you just spouting sexist claptrap?

DesolateWaist · 19/01/2017 22:33

I am furious on your behalf. Who the fuck would even think that was OK.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 22:38

I suspect that PIL got carried away and the DH didnt put them off, or at least say that they only come for a week. As I said, a DH problem.....

Original poster
Halle71 · 19/01/2017 22:39

He told them we want a week on our own so they are going to 'do their own thing' and meet us on the 8th.
It feels shit - I've got what I wanted but it will make me out to be an arse with the rest of the family etc. We also have friends coming over on the 8th - two families whose husbands went to school in NZ with DH so they know the ILs. They will be like Confused when they find out they've been around but not with us.
I don't get on great with MIL (FIL is lovely) she's very dominant but can do no wrong in DH's eyes and the idea of spending two weeks with her on my holiday would literally ruin any holiday excitement.
Didn't want this to be a 'MIL post' but this is really what it comes down to.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/01/2017 22:43

It doesn't make you out to bean arse at all. I adore my MiL but I still wouldn't choose to spend the whole of a trip to Thailand with her. You've been very generous to compromise and your dh should appreciate that.

Backt0Black · 19/01/2017 22:44

barbarian I think OP has had her holiday ruined by some over zealous parenting of an ADULT. I think that no parent should crash their ADULT offspring's holidays.

I BF. I also hope that when my son marries I will not crash his holidays... if I had a daughter, same applies, no matter how close.

If a Mother had crashed her DD's holiday it would be just as offside.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2017 22:44

Halle "It feels shit" It could feel good, you got what you wanted. Which I think you should get. So enjoy it. DO NOT feel bad about it or protray that you doubt the wisdom of having a holiday with your husband.

"... it will make me out to be an arse with the rest of the family etc." I don't think it will do any such thing, they may do that but you can expplain to anyone who asks, we wanted some alone time. That is fine and normal.

"We also have friends coming over on the 8th - two families whose husbands went to school in NZ with DH so they know the ILs. They will be like confused when they find out they've been around but not with us."

You need to stop worrying about what others think. Your dh backed you up, not his parents or random school friends.

"Didn't want this to be a 'MIL post' but this is really what it comes down to." It's OK, you can like or not like her, maybe find some ways to connect when n hols, but do not talk this down yourself! If anyone criticizes I'd be tempted to ask if they holiday with their in laws. And when they say no, just smile. If they say yes, just say how nice for you.

Your life, your dh, he backed you!

Original poster
Halle71 · 19/01/2017 22:49

Thanks Italiangreyhound
He didn't have much choice Grin I lost it when I got home, not helped by him not picking up his phone (it was on charge so not call avoiding).

But yes. I can relax.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2017 22:51
Thanks
jay55 · 19/01/2017 22:59

I'd switch it round if I were you. You're going to spend the first week dreading the second. If you saw them first you'd have the alone time to look forward to.
Although I accept it would be easier for them to crash the second week. I just feel like you'd go home needing another holiday.

Original poster
Halle71 · 19/01/2017 23:16

Our mates are there as well the second week so everything will be diluted and more fun.

I enjoy being with them in small doses which is why NZ works well. It's not even the length of time they were proposing - it's having no time by ourselves. I want to spend the first week finding out of the way beaches (we are staying on a big one), and good restaurants so the second week is lovely.
DH just wouldn't want to leave his parents while we explore every day. His dad doesn't 'do' beaches.

When I was single I went on holiday by myself quite happily, DH couldn't do that. I understand (and am a bit jealous) how he loves having people around, but he just doesn't get me - sees it as a character flaw.

Oh, and they aren't doing Vietnam, their reason for popping over to see us..... Hmm

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 19/01/2017 23:19

They think they were invited. They think they have an open invitation.
You have a DH problem.
I can understand them wanting to see each other. And if you are in the same hemisphere it doesn't seem unreasonable to a degree. Have you thought about holidays to Rejkjavik or Helsinki?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2017 23:30

Vietnam never existed OP.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2017 23:35

Obviously I mean the Vietnam TRIP never existed.

Vietnam exists. Truly it does. I've not been there but so I hear.

cakefart · 19/01/2017 23:38

I've got what I wanted but it will make me out to be an arse with the rest of the family

There are two great tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want. The other is getting it.

FondantNancy · 19/01/2017 23:44

We must have the same ILs!!

Mine invited themselves to Mexico with us one year, booked the flights and everything, before telling us. They also came to see us for Christmas one year for a month after DC2 was born, uninvited. She was three weeks old when they arrived. That was horrible. I would've been all over it if they wanted to come at Easter but post-babies I am an emotional wreck.

Our holidays now are planned with stealth. MIL has resorted to emailing my mum to ask about our dates!

Original poster
Halle71 · 19/01/2017 23:50

Yes, cakefart.
But it would have been easier and more pleasant all round if they had just done what they said they were going to do as agreed.

There are bound to be mixed feelings in situations like this. DH would see them for whole 2 weeks.... I can't see FIL wanting to wander round Thailand and I feel partly to blame..... blah, blah..

It's not cut and dry,

OP posts:
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