Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

should i say yes you have offended me?

57 replies

Mossop17 · 19/01/2017 14:17

ok story so far: i have a very unreliable friend (has rescheduled 14 times for one meet up, we live in the same town), who recently got engaged. At the engagment party we were told guests had to pay for the food. We were not told before hand and only found out once we were there, and were not impressed. The wedding invite has arrived and is mid afternoon and kids not invited, its on a school day so would mean lots of organising for childcare and DH taking a days holiday to be there, so we decided not to go. She then questioned were we away and would we like to go just to the evening party, ive told her we are away but we arent, i dont want to fork out outfits and gifts to go to a wedding where i will only know the bride and DH and feel like being asked again is to make up numbers!

Ive been invited to the hen meal, i wont know anyone else there and my MIL is coming to stay that day to help us with childcare over the weekend as me and DH are going away for the night, so ive said i cant go. loads of others arent going either as we were on a group chat thing.

Ive now had a message asking if she has offended us, id love to reply with yes how can you invite people to a party and tell them on the invite that there will be food and then expect them to pay for it once there! to make things worse it was her fathers pub! or shall i just go with a no everythings fine response! argh am i being unreasonable for feeling peed off at this? wwyd??

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 19/01/2017 15:24

I would not say what WhereYouLeftIt said. It's too formal

I think keep it casual and try not to hurt her feelings tbh. I doubt she did anything invite wise intentionally to piss you off. Most people can go to a wedding on a Friday ... and they are obviously trying to keep costs down. Can you really not go to the hen meal? Seems a bit of a reaction to the engagement party from what you're saying?

GelfBride · 19/01/2017 15:26

I think it depends on how you see the future of the friendship. If I was going to detach and gradually fade away from her life, I would be inclined to say nothing is wrong. I hate confrontation though. If I thought it was going to continue in any meaningful way I would be honest. If she gets the hump, she's a pillock anyway and detach.
My sister invited my cousin and his wife over for Sunday lunch except when they arrived there was no cooking smells and they all went to pub instead. Sister and BIL are loaded and have a sheep farm so cousin was expecting home grown roast lamb and all the trimmings but instead BIL was pointing out things off the menu at the pub that he himself had previously enjoyed. Cousin and wife chose what they wanted but when it came to pay, Cousin was expected to pay for what he and his DW had had. In fact they were expected to split the bill but BIL had had a starter. Suffice to say Cousin has not been caught like that again I can tell you!

Floralnomad · 19/01/2017 15:32

I'm very confused , you say you have no mutual friends and will not know anyone but you are also on a group chat with lots of people saying they can't go . I also don't get why your children would be bothered about not being invited as you are obviously not close family friends with her and her partner . I'd just be honest and say you are busy for the hen night and you can't go to the wedding because it's a weekday and you have no childcare , don't lie about being away .

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 15:35

A group chat that was set up by the bride on which she added all of invitees is not in the slightest bit confusing!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/01/2017 15:37

Not going to the hen do and the wedding is not because you were offended by the engagement party, it's because you have visitors at the time of the hen do and childcare problems the day of the wedding. I would go with that.

If you were a close friend maybe you could have said something directly after the engagement party, but you aren't her bff, you aren't her parents, and it's not your job to police her behavior, so don't worry about it, tell her you just can't make those dates. Nothing good is going to come out of telling her she and her fiancé were rude (because he is just as culpable in the arrangements). It doesn't sound as if you are close enough for her to change on your say so.

I also think the whole UK wedding concept of inviting an A list for the ceremony, reception, and evening do and a B list to an evening do where they usually have to pay for their own drinks etc. is pretty damn rude too, but that's just me. It's the equivalent of people on Facebook letting everyone know they'll be culling their friends list and expecting you to be grateful if you've made the cut (A list).

user1484578224 · 19/01/2017 15:39

do you have time for this? somebody who rearranges 14 times?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/01/2017 15:43

It's pretty unorthodox to ask guests to pay for food. However, they may be asking for contribution to wedding costs instead of honeymoon etc. Loads of people ask for contributions to honeymoon/house etc so I don't think this is really any different.

Also just because it is at her dad's pub doesn't mean there aren't costs associated with the meal.

If you feel the friendship is running its course and you don't want to go to the wedding or hen do, then I would just say that you aren't available to attend and leave it at that. I don't see why you are offended - it's not a personal attack on you to ask guests to pay for food, is it?

Also, if they don't want to invite children then that's their prerogative too and certainly not something to take personally. You don't have to like it and you don't have to agree with it, but I don't see how offense could have been caused.

TENSHI · 19/01/2017 16:01

If you are not really much of a friend then she is definitely inviting you and your dh to make up the numbers!

I would definitely tell her the truth if her friendship circle is saying the same thing, especially if you don't mind losing the friendship over it.

Sounds so grabby and illconsidered of her it would be a good wake up call.

And list all your grievances but in a lighthearted way if possible.

There are ways of getting across what you want to say without being rude, you just need to find the right tone

BonnyScotland · 19/01/2017 16:06

ok.. I'd be offended to receive a message asking if I'd been offended ...... and your not offended... but your pretty upset at having to Fork Out money for Events which also involves having to make childcare plans.. buying new outifts .. rearranging other plans... it's just all too much .. and did I mentioned the Money aspect.... you do not have the Money.. it's as simple as that..... I think your best option is to be honest and say... Honey we simply cannot afford to help you celebrate x

ImperialBlether · 19/01/2017 16:11

Why are your children upset because they're not invited? Don't they realise that they're not invited to everything? Would they expect you to be invited to their friends' parties?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/01/2017 16:12

They were also upset that they arent invited. But they are at school?

You yourself aren't very close to them so why would your kids be?

Lorelei76 · 19/01/2017 16:18

Go for it
These people need to be told.

Branleuse · 19/01/2017 16:30

just ignore the message and let her work it out for herself. I really wouldnt send a snippy letter detailing what shes done if youre not even that close

user1484317265 · 19/01/2017 16:31

You might as well tell them because you aren't actually friends, are you? You don't even like them!

And your kids were upset they weren't invited to the wedding of some vague sort of friends of their parents ? First of all, that is weird. And second, why would you tell them about it at all?

Frillyhorseyknickers · 19/01/2017 16:33

Personally I would tell her, but expect her to react very badly.

Someone who considers it acceptable to rearrange a get together 14 times, invite you to a catered party and ask you to pay for your food and then organises a mid week wedding and challenges friends on their attendance when(she presumably knows) they have children is a) not your friend and b) not worth the agro. Drop her.

ProseccoBitch · 19/01/2017 16:39

I'd just ditch her, from everything you've said I can't understand why you remain friends with her anyway, you don't seen bothered about her and she's a pain in the arse.

littlemissneela · 19/01/2017 16:55

I went to a wedding where I barely knew the bride or groom, my DH knew them as he worked with the groom and knew the bride as much as I did. We got pissed and had a whale of a time But, it was a weekend wedding and my mum looked after our kids overnight.
So, you could tell her your thoughts on the engagement do, and fair enough for not going to the hen do as you are actually away, but I think it would be a shame not to go to even her evening do for her wedding. You don't need to shell out loads for clothes etc and there is not hassle for organising childcare for the evening.

Unless of course you have already decided this is a friendship you aren't planning on continuing.

QuimReaper · 19/01/2017 17:10

You've made quite an effort to avoid celebrating her hen and wedding with her.

What a weird intepretation - she hasn't made an effort to attend, that isn't the same as making an effort not to attend. The events fall at inconvenient times for OP and she is not feeling charitable enough towards this person to bend over backwards for her.

Also the group chat thing - it is very, very common for one organiser (a bridesmaid usually, if it's a hen night) to start a conversation with all of the invitees to discuss plans / receive RSVPs / send updates and details, etc.

QuimReaper · 19/01/2017 17:14

OP personally I think this friendship sounds like it's been wearing for a while (since she sounds a flake). The engagement party food situation strikes me as far from an extinction-level event in itself and one which you'd have let slide from another friend, and again, as I think you admitted, you'd have been willing (if not happy) to make arrangements to attend the hen and wedding of a really good friend in spite of the inconvenience.

Which is all to say that the engagement, hen and wedding is all a red herring in this and I think you've just tired of her. It happens.

I wouldn't tell her that though. I'd just say "so sorry, your hen fell on a weekend MIL was visiting and we just can't arrange holiday and childcare for the wedding, what a pain! So sorry, hope you have a wonderful time"

Send a gift for old time's sake

Leave it at that

Aeroflotgirl · 19/01/2017 17:15

Dpersonally I would sack her off as a friend altogether, she is rude and flakey. I would have sacked her off the 4 time rescheduleding.

QuimReaper · 19/01/2017 17:22

littlemiss I went to a wedding where I'd never even met either party DH knew the groom but not the bride.

We had a brilliant time too! But it did feel weird. We had them at our wedding too to repay the favour, pretty weird when you think of the people we "culled" from the guest list on grounds of not being close enough, and we now know a couple who three quarters of us only know from each others' weddings!

The groom of the couple came round to see our house on the day we moved in - he and DH and another friend were playing tennis and they came round to see the place before going off to the courts. I was shattered after the move, and had a migraine, and I had managed to lock myself in a tiny freezing hallway for an hour (long story) so had been waiting for DH et al to come and release me, and it was dark, and I am (self-diagnosed) mildly face blind, so amongst all of that I just straight-up didn't recognise the guy and said "oh hello, we've never met, I'm Quim". He was all ready to be polite about it but DH's friend piped up at top volume "ERRRRRR YEAHYADO YOU WERE AT HIS WEDDING!" I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

That is the off-topic tangent of the century but I feel better now.

RortyCrankle · 19/01/2017 17:45

I would just say you have other things planned/ difficulty on weekday etc. I wonder if wedding guests will also be asked to pay for food?

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 19/01/2017 17:52

bin her. don't bother going to anything of hers anymore.
she sounds like a shite friend too.
life is too short for that kind of horseshit.

GoEasyPudding · 19/01/2017 17:55

I was invited to the evening do of a wedding of a very new friend I had made at work.

She had invited everyone at work and I gladly said yes. Problem was later on I got made redundant months before the wedding. She said I should still come. I wasn't sure but I was young and thought I was doing the right thing by still going. It was also before texts or social media made it easy to change plans.

When we got there no one from my former job had come at all (!) and I hadn't had time to get to know the bride before I was given the chop at work.

Why I went I do not know - but we left early as we didn't know anyone.

The invitation is not suiting you OP so you have graciously declined, continue to be polite and just repeat why you can't come but don't tell her off, that's not going to go down well.

Strongmummy · 19/01/2017 18:05

No, I wouldn't say anything as it's not worth causing drama about. What purpose would it serve other than to vent your anger? Not sure why you're lying about not being able to go to the wedding however.

Flip

1 2 3