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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner and I have both decided we want a baby but I'm putting it off! AIBU?

39 replies

PandaEyes25 · 19/01/2017 13:35

Hi Everyone,
Just looking for a bit of advise really!

So my Partner and I have been together over 6 years- living together for 3.
I have just turned 25 and he is nearly 24.

Over the past 4/5 months or so, we've been talking about having a baby.

We own our own 3 bed house so we have plenty of room and our living siutation is very stable- as is our relationship.

We both have good jobs. Mine would be flexible enough to allow me to work from home if we do have a baby. And we've got a decent amount of savings.

Everything is in place for us to have a baby and we both want one. I am actually quite broody!

However, for some reason (I'm not sure why!) I just feel like the time isn't right.
We are also not Married. I know that in this day and age, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference if you're married or not, but it is always something I've wanted and I'd feel less of a family unit if we weren't.

I am very conscious that I'm not getting any younger and that I'm in the prime of my fertility.
I don't want to deny my partner of something we both want, just because of some petty doubts.

So my main question is, I guess, do you ever feel ready for a baby?
Or should I listen to my gut that the time just isn't right at the moment?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
lorelairoryemily · 19/01/2017 13:43

Hi panda, I'm not sure anyone is ever 100% ready for a baby, I had my ds last year, surprise pregnancy that we were genuinely thrilled about, had to postpone my wedding, but we couldn't be happier!! He was always the plan he just decided to come sooner!! It's understandable to be questioning it and honestly I would say if your gut is telling you the time isn't right maybe you should listen to it, not now doesn't mean not ever and if being married first is something that's important to you then you should talk to your partner about that

BingoBingoBingoBango · 19/01/2017 13:47

Actually legally being married makes a lot of difference OP. There is no such thing as common law in the uk.

PJBanana · 19/01/2017 13:49

If your gut feeling is that you're not ready, I would wait.

You've only just turned 25, that gives you a few more years (at least) to think about this decision.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 19/01/2017 13:50

If you have doubts don't do it. And you're 25, it's not an age I'd be panicking about.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/01/2017 13:50

I think you should get married first.

You are very, very young.

FrankAndBeans · 19/01/2017 13:53

Being married makes a lot of difference. Get married first. I have two kids at 23, no regrets but the security you get from being married is necessary, especially if you want to stay at home with the baby.

eurochick · 19/01/2017 13:55

You don't sound ready, which is fine. You are young and have plenty of time for this. And marriage does make a huge difference.

Heatherbell1978 · 19/01/2017 13:57

'You're not getting any younger' yes, but you're only 25! I had my first at 36 and am due my second soon at 39. I absolutely felt ready but I really wasn't getting any younger! Got married at 35 and immediately started trying.
It sounds like you've got everything set up at home to start trying but there really is no rush. There's a lot you can't do as easily with young children. I'd get married and have a few amazing holidays first if I were you!

prettywhiteguitar · 19/01/2017 14:02

I think I would get married first as that seems to naturally be the next step of commitment in your relationship. As people have mentioned it makes a lot of difference to be married when you have children.

But I think the earlier you have children ,once you are ready, the better, you are potentially earning the least you will ever earn whilst you have children so best not to have to pay child care and reduce you income later on when you should be saving.

AyeAmarok · 19/01/2017 14:12

We are also not Married. I know that in this day and age, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference if you're married or not, but it is always something I've wanted and I'd feel less of a family unit if we weren't.

Very wrong. It makes a massive difference. Get married first.

lalalalalalaaaaand · 19/01/2017 14:22

Would agree with go with your gut feeling! You have plenty of time ahead to have babies.

Also agree that I would get married first and go on some amazing child free holidays while you can... and/or do some serious saving for when they do come along.

listen to your gut mostly!

SaltedCaramelEverything · 19/01/2017 14:41

Agree with PPs about gut instinct. If getting married / having a wedding is important then do it now while you can afford it. Paying for childcare can make saving difficult. I was the same as you, ready on paper but didn't have the gut feeling at 24. It came a couple of years later when I was 26. And it's such a big thing that you have to feel ready (though don't get me wrong I have my omg moments!!)

Gillian1980 · 19/01/2017 14:45

If something is making you feel you should wait, then wait. You will feel differently when the time is right.

It is a permanent, life-changing event which shouldn't be chosen until you are certain and ready.

gamerchick · 19/01/2017 14:47

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married first OP.

Fireandflames666 · 19/01/2017 14:57

Why does being married make a difference?. I live in the UK with my partner and our two children, we don't want to get married.

Mol1628 · 19/01/2017 14:59

Get married first, have an amazing honeymoon, come home and then consider children. When you see how all consuming children can be you will be grateful you did this first.

Also depending on your job, and hypothetical child's temperament, you might not be able to work from home so would need to pay childcare.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 19/01/2017 15:02

Thanks all for your advise!

I just feel like a selfish bitch for wanting to take more time for myself and to get married first. Especially considering doing this would cost me having a few more years with my kids.

Having a baby and a family of my own is all I've ever dreamed of, I just want to make sure I will be the best possible mum I can be. But then, how can you prepare for it until it happens?!

I think the gut feeling is partly down to apprehension. You know, what if I'm a bad mum? and once you are a mum, there's nothing you can do to change it! and your kids are pretty much lumbered with you! Grin

OP posts:
Niskayuna · 19/01/2017 15:02

"We are also not Married. I know that in this day and age, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference"

Yes, it does. If you have a child and your relationship breaks down, the house belongs to whomever is on the deeds. If that is the boyfriend, or the property needs to be split between you, you could be made homeless. Many men claim "I never will" but you only need a quick browse through the Relationship forum to see that many do, and many forget about their children once they've gone.

Marriage ensures your assets are shared fairly, which protects both you and your child. That roof over your child's head needs security.

I had kids at 25, but my husband was older. I'd been made redundant. We were stable and it's all worked out fine, but in hindsight, I was young and I wish I'd travelled more and gotten at least another rung up on the career ladder. Although I wouldn't trade DH for the world, I nonetheless still advise caution when settling down with your first boyfriend. It isn't always optimal.

Maybe those doubts are about your youth... or maybe about his. I've not known many 24 year old lads eager to be fathers.

I'll be blunt and say that you sound like you've been together since teens. 24 is really young to be broody. Aren't there other things you want to achieve first? Well done on the house. But career-wise? What does he do?

Niskayuna · 19/01/2017 15:04

"I live in the UK with my partner and our two children, we don't want to get married."

It's all fine and dandy until the relationship breaks down. If one partner owns the house, s/he can evict the other. One party will find they have no right to any money, any share of the property or, well anything, frankly. Marriage protects you both, especially a partner that doesn't work, and more importantly it protects children from being evicted by a disinterested parent.

CMOTDibbler · 19/01/2017 15:10

You are only 25. Get married now - it doesn't have to be a big expensive do - and then have children.

WispyWindy · 19/01/2017 15:15

Disagree with pp saying do it now while you earn less, I would recommend getting further in your career, giving you potentially more options and flexibility with working once DC are here. I also wish I'd done much more travelling and fun things before DC, and I had my first at 32 and had lived in two foreign countries!

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 19/01/2017 15:26

Niskayuna I understand what you mean when you say you never know what a break up will be like until it happens.. However, we both own 50% of the house and even if he takes his half and runs, I'd still have enough in my 50% to buy another property.
He's a production manager and I'm an accounts director. To be honest with you, I really like my job, but I don't feel like I'd be missing out by going part time and I'm not really interested in getting further up the ladder!

OP posts:
Camomila · 19/01/2017 16:17

You both have good jobs for your ages, I'm guessing you both went the 'sensible' route of uni then milkround/gradscheme. Is there maybe a bit of you that wants to be 'young and stupid' first.

I know DH bemoans that he's never been travelling, we met at uni, got married at 26, and had DS when he was 27, and he works in a sensible and stressful office job....and half the time his mates invite him out he says no because he knows I need a break from the baby in the evenings.

Basically it's ok to want a couple more years frivolity/freedom.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 19/01/2017 16:23

I just feel like a selfish bitch for wanting to take more time for myself and to get married

Don't be daft. Do everything you want to do first!

MimsyFluff · 19/01/2017 16:43

Get married first you could have a trip to the registry office and have your honeymoon as your last adventure as just a couple. Been married brings security from you and future DC should things go wrong

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