To be annoyed at being asked for dinner and then told to bring food and drinks?

[Pininthedrawer]

Is this how it works these days??

Whenever I have people round for dinner I would never expect to bring anything but themselves. Usually people bring a bottle of wine which is very kindly received.

However the last few times I've been asked round for dinner (three different couples), I've been asked to bring:

Pudding (for eight!)
Cheese board (for six)
And the latest one is 'pudding and drinks'!

Is this what having someone round for dinner is all about now?

[NeedaFanjob]

I don't usually go empty handed when invited for dinner. Even if its just after dinner mints and a bottle of wine. I see no problem with being invited for dinner and being asked to bring something. In my family we do this all the time. Whoever hosts the meal suggests what they need to complete it. The host ends up paying more all the time as they provide the most. Somebody mentioned 'circles of friends' that do this... I think it's actually fun to bring along something to a party with people you like. Do the people who think they shouldn't take anything ever host parties themselves or do they just attend others when invited?

[Meluzyna]

I got to plenty of "pot luck" events when everyone takes a contribution of food, but as far as dinner invitations go I wouldn't expect to be asked to provide a course - although I might take some homemade sweets, lemon curd or somesuch and a bottle of wine or chocolates.
out of politeness (and because my husband nags me to do so) I always ask the hostess if she would like me to bring something - occasionally someone says " a dessert" but it's pretty rare.
However, what pisses me off bigtime is when I have invited guests, planned a meal carefully and done all my own cooking because I like cooking and then the guests turn up with a shop-bought dessert (with no warning).
I never know what to do for the best - insist that everyone eats some of both my dessert and theirs? No one generally wants two desserts when they've already had a starter, main course and cheese.
And my husband seems to think it's a smart thing to do this to other people - buy a cake and turn up with it..... maybe it's a cutural difference (we're in France and he is French) but I really don't "get it".

[Cary2012]

If I have friends for dinner, I provide everything.

My lovely friends always ask, what can I bring? I always say, just your lovely self.

If I can't afford it, then I don't do it.

My friends always bring booze, which is lovely, but never assumed.

I think it's crass to invite people, then ask them to contribute.
YANBU

[bunnylove99]

YANBU : 'pudding and drinks' is very cheeky. I would never ask or expect guests to bring food to a dinner party. I like to plan each course to complement the others and I am a bit of a 'feeder' anyway. OP your friends sound tight and lazy. Having said that, I'm green with envy at those of you with 'circles of friends' to ask round in the first place! I do love if guests bring a nice bottle of wine though. That's much appreciated.

[NeedaFanjob]

Meluzyna - I understand the bit about someone bringing a dessert when you already planned the dessert. Someone once bought some pastries and expected me to give them out after the main course while my homemade pies were heating in the oven. Thankfully only one person plus the bringer of the pastries grabbed one. I find that rude, to bring dessert when someone is cooking and hasnt asked for it. I do think it's ok to ask someone to bring something and also to ask a host if you can bring something.... just make sure its all okayed up front.

[Oblomov17]

This isn't 'being invited to dinner'.
It's a 'get together' where each family/couple/person 'contributes a different part': starter/main/pudding/cheeseboard.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

It depends really!

If I go to one friends for dinner then I usually take pudding. Or snacks if we're have a bitty tea.

I'm still miffed about the times I had friends over, cooked three courses and supplied one and no one brought a single thing.

[bunnylove99]

Meluzyna. You must tell your husband that is just not cool. If I spent and hour making a lemon meringue pie or cheesecake etc from scratch and a guest appeared on doorstep with an unsolicited pudding I would be peed off! Wine is always the way (and nice flowers, not chrysanthemums).. no wonder I am short on friends.. ah you are in France. Yes they do that there (and Spain i think).

[OzzieFem]

saltandvinegarcrisps1 I think Ozzie's are a wee bit tight. on a slightly different note - went on a work Xmas lunch (15 of us) and they asked for 15 individual bills as they would only pay for what they had. I was

First thing we were told when we arrived here about the "bring a plate" was some migrants who just turned up with an empty plate. Really what did they expect? All the supermarkets sell BBQ pack which usually contain 2 sausages, steak and a chop.

As for the above that probably comes from experience. Went out once with a group from our workplace (did not know most of them). Guy at the end ordered all the most expensive food and drink then suggested that we split the bill! Most of the men agreed and we stupid females ended up paying an extra 30 - 45% on our meal to cover theirs. A friend sitting next to me had only eaten two small courses so probably paid more percentage wise.

Another time a smaller group went out for a,meal and I took some wine I liked. A guy helped himself to most of the bottle while my back was turned. He had not brought anything to drink. Fortunately we were more female this time around and refused to split the bill. Now I never go out for meals with work unless it's pay for your own.

[Purplealienpuke]

Good friends no bother, I'll bring the food and probably offer to help in the kitchen!
If it's a more formal setting with people I didn't know so well then being asked to provide food seems a bit off 🤔

[Darlink]

Fairly common in my circle

[TarragonChicken]

Among good friends and family, I would expect to ask and be asked (depending who was hosting) if I/they should bring something. Might be puddings/drinks/snacks/starter or combination of.

With regard to Meluzyna's post, I think this is a very French thing. PIL are in France who summed up a friend's ex-gf with 'she didn't bring anything from the patisserie when she came for dinner!' So your dh is probably quite right! I disagree you can have too many puddings - I'd usually offer a choice of 2 or 3.

[HellcatMomma2]

YAIBU, making dinner for 8 is expensive. This is how we've always done it in our circle of friends. Host cooks main, guests bring starters, desserts or drinks.

I can't afford to do a full three course dinner with nice wine for 2, nevermine 8!

[HellcatMomma2]

YAIBU, making dinner for 8 is expensive. This is how we've always done it in our circle of friends. Host cooks main, guests bring starters, desserts or drinks.

I can't afford to do a full three course dinner with nice wine for 2, nevermine 8!

[Thinkingblonde]

I've been to a'Plate and bottle' party, it was a get together for 40 people. We were asked to bring a plate of food and a bottle of drink. Venue was a church hall. The host did it via a Facebook closed group, she listed a range of food to pick from, we picked from the list, curry, pies and peas, snacks, sandwiches, deserts, cakes etc.
It was voluntary but everyone took something. It was great fun.
But for a regular dinner party I provide the food, some guests bring a pud which is added to what I've provided.

[sparechange]

Is it a generational thing?

I've got friends who are now feeling the squeeze of mortgage plus childcare plus grown up life

Where as in the old days, we would have gone to a nice pub or restaurant for dinner and split the bill, we now go to someone's house and split the bill by a chipping in food and drink

surely you'd take a couple of bottles of wine as standard, plus some flowers or chocs.
The pudding or food is just in lieu of the latter, and you still don't have to wash up.
Win, win

[OhBlissOhJoy]

I had a couple of friends round over Christmas. One said she would bring lots of leftovers to eat as she had so many but as I didn't know what/how much she was bringing I made a casserole that I could reheat the next day if it wasn't needed. She turned up with just a bottle of wine (no food) but it wasn't cold so we drunk what I had in the fridge - then when she left she took it home with her

[Lunde]

I had a couple of friends round over Christmas. One said she would bring lots of leftovers to eat as she had so many but as I didn't know what/how much she was bringing I made a casserole that I could reheat the next day if it wasn't needed. She turned up with just a bottle of wine (no food) but it wasn't cold so we drunk what I had in the fridge - then when she left she took it home with her hmm

I've been caught out by this. It was a post Christmas lunch for 8 - where the other family had suggested it but invited themselves to hold it at our house because it was bigger. But convinced me that it would be no work for us as they would be bringing all of their Christmas leftovers for the meal. So when they turned up they brought a block of supermarket cheddar, a jar of jam and a bottle of wine - not a big lunch for 8! Luckily I had made quiches, salad and had poached some salmon.

[kel12345]

I'd never ask someone to do that. If you invite someone round, you cater for them. Food and drinks. I've got drinks I can't stand just for another person before today

[echt]

I've lived in Australia for ten years now and have never asked anyone to bring food, just as I did in the UK. Wine is always welcome and always turns up.

I have friend who often hosts, far more than I do, so I always offer to bring something. A barbecue is usually one where a plate is expected.

Other than that, I always assume that if I'm invited to dinner, the host will provide the food, and I will bring good wine and flowers.

[mammamic]

I have two circles of close friends and this is the way we all 'have dinner'.

Nothing to do with affordability or laziness or cheekiness. It's about enjoying each other's company and lovely food.

When invited to dinner I always ask (insist) what course I should bring. And we cook there too. If hosts want to do all food, we take drinks, gift or something.

And I wouldn't expect guests to my house to bring food and I don't need to ask - the offer is always made. I find it weird that so many replies think it's weird!

Isn't it just good manners and friendly etiquette to share - including putting in a dinner? It also means that if some in the group can't host for whatever reason (e.g. space), there is no awkward reciprocal issues etc. Everyone contributes. We just did this for New Year.

[mammamic]

Just read more posts.

Only on MN would people find gifts of food rude.

If there are more than one dessert, put them in the table and let ppl choose, or tell everyone the choices and then serve up what they want. Most of the men will have a bit of everything. Most of the women will want to but won't!

Rude to bring food - still laughing at that

[londonrach]

Normal to offer to take pudding and host will either say yes or no. If no you bring wine or chocs or plant, flowers. They asking for three items is cheeky!

[ritarockstar]

It also means that you can meet up more regular as it's low cost withe everyone 'chipping in'.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I think guests that are new friends ask if they can bring anything as a courtesy - that doesn't mean that they expect the host to take them up on the offer.

I think it's odd to offer to host and then expect people to bring stuff, whether it's wine, flowers or a course!