To be annoyed at being asked for dinner and then told to bring food and drinks?

[Pininthedrawer]

Is this how it works these days??

Whenever I have people round for dinner I would never expect to bring anything but themselves. Usually people bring a bottle of wine which is very kindly received.

However the last few times I've been asked round for dinner (three different couples), I've been asked to bring:

Pudding (for eight!)
Cheese board (for six)
And the latest one is 'pudding and drinks'!

Is this what having someone round for dinner is all about now?

[Aderyn2016]

I think that if you always provide everything when they visit then it is cheeky for them to ask you to contribute to their dinner party too. However, it does mean that next time you host, you can ask them for a contribution.
I don't think either way is right or wrong, so long as it is the same system whether you host or are the guest, so one person doesn't end up doing more than their share.

[magicstar1]

We have a friend who's been to dinner numerous times both with us and other friends. He then asked us to a barbecue one summer - big surprise but we were all delighted to go. He lives about a 2 hour drive away but that was no problem. Two days before the barbecue he told us all how much we owed him for the food and to bring our own drink! The others grumbled a bit, but I rang him straight away and told him that he was wrong, and I was not driving 2 hours to buy my own dinner....he backed down, but I still didn't go as it had ruined it for me.

I'd have to say it to your friend...it's totally taking the piss.

[A1Sharon]

I don't know the answer OP, but I've been there myself. I was invited to a big house party, I asked if I could bring anything,yes please they replied, I said I would bring a tray with some home made party nibbles-mini bruschetta type things, about 40.
I was then told that that wouldn't be enough, I would need to bring 200!
My face->
Obviously I did it, and was delighted to see they were enjoyed. But they had far too much stuff, and you can imagine my face when I saw everything being dumped into a black bag at the end of the night.
Some people just don't think OP.

[ThisYearWillbeBetter]

Is this what having someone round for dinner is all about now?

No. Although in my circle of friends, we all bring wine/whatever that we want to drink.

In fact, it sometimes sort of annoys me if people insist on bringing something to a dinner party. Just bring 2 bottles of wine if you feel you must contribute. But I usually think out my favourite combinations of food etc for a couple of weeks beforehand, and I'm on it! I don't want anyone else's ideas of what we should eat that night.

[Chelsea26]

I have a group of friends who we have a big lunch with (2 courses) once a month and we always meet at mine because I'm in the middle - I'd say 3/4 of the time I cater for everyone as I don't have the fuel costs/hour drive but if I'm busy I do say to one of the other to bring lunch - I think that's fair. However if I invite people over for dinner it's always just bring yourselves and they always turn up with a bottle

[BiddyPop]

On our road, we have a casual supper together reasonably frequently - and while 1 person organizes it and generally provides main course, the other houses always want to know what to bring so crisps and nibbles, salads, cheese or desert are often brought along with a bottle of wine. (Each house brings 1 of those - not everything!). It does make it more relaxed for the hosts, and it also means that we are more likely to do it frequently as its not so much work to host and everyone enjoys it.

However, for any other meal that I am hosting, I expect to provide everything for that meal myself. Its nice to get some wine or something else given to me for hosting, but that is up to the guests to bring or not themselves (I've got pot plants, flowers, box of chocolates, nice cheese, artisan chutney etc in the past rather than wine too - and sometimes nothing , and I am always happy to just have their company).

[NicknameUsed]

A couple on months ago I said to two lots of neighbours "let's have a get tohether and is it OK if everyone brings a course" One neighbour did the starter, I did the mains and the other neighbour did the dessert. They were both happy to contribute as well. We had a great time.

A couple of weeks ago we invited friends around for a meal to celebrate OH's birthday. I did all the cooking. We had a great time.

The difference was that the first one wasn't a dinner invitation, but a get together where everyone contributed. The second one was a meal fully catered by myself and the invitation was worded as come over for dinner. Both sets of friends offered to bring something, but I said there was no need.

I think it depends on how it is worded. In our circle it is always a given that everyone brings wine as well. We also provide wine.

Some people are too easily offended.

[SplendorSolis]

I usually offer to bring dessert or an appetiser and sometimes hosts will take me up on it, always take a bottle of wine or flowers as a thank you gesture. If I'm hosting, no one needs bring anything but themselves. If I'm invited to a cosy dinner with 2 or 3 couples, I'd definitely bristle to be asked or, rather, voluntold to bring a course and/or drinks; that's as a pp said more a thing you'd do for a potluck or a large bbq party or something.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Good question Lemon12345. We have a friend who's a notoriously awful cook and I grown to dread any invitations there but we had one night at her's that took the biscuit. I was asked to bring pudding - fine.

But when we were phoning around the others in advance to sort out lifts, it turned out someone else was taking ALL the drinks, someone was on salad and another couple was taking pizza. She'd even borrowed plates from one of them.

It's not as though she'd just moved in or had been ill or earns less than we do. She's just bone idle. As all the guests had done all of the catering the food was better than usual but after that we only tend to see her out at the pub and all talk of dinners has tailed off. I think she may have got the message, but some people have the thickest skins, so I could be wrong.

[LumelaMme]

If we invite friends for dinner, we provide all the food and cook it.
If we invite friends for a pot-luck, we provide the basics of a buffet and everyone else fills in the gaps.

That's how it goes. I'd be happy to take a dish to a pot-luck, or to a meal where each couple if bringing a course, but dead pissed off to be asked to trot along with a starter if I thought I'd been asked round 'for dinner'.

BTW, magicstar, well done - what a tightwad he was being!

[FearandLoathinginLasVegas]

We have lots of different groups of friends and pretty much everyone does this.
I'm really happy with it, as it makes the arrangements so flexible and so much easier to entertain, and so much less formal. However, there is a line.... forforksake i really would never go back after your experience! That is crossing it and really really cheeky/rude.

[Yika]

It's fine if the invitation is presented that way (how about coming round for a potluck dinner). Absolutely not if you are invited to dinner, you accept, and then you are asked to bring a course. I have a friend who does it and now (much as I like her) I don't accept her dinner or party invites. For her annual Christmas party she informs people that they have to bring champagne... meanwhile she only provides finger food.

[brasty]

People I know who do this don't have much money. I am always happy to bring a pudding if asked.

[Bushymuffmum]

I think it's fine so long as, within that group of friends you all do the same so it's shared each time. I suppose the main meal is seen as the most difficult bit and taking pudding and drinks isn't a big deal (it certainly wouldn't be homemade though)!

[Roussette]

I agree, it depends on the type of do. If it's a bit pot luck people bring things, but if you are specifically asked to a meal at someone's house and it's say 6 (we do this quite often) I wouldn't expect my friends to provide say the starter and dessert!

This does remind me of the barbecue I was asked to with another couple. First time at their house. Sat on chairs in the garden, having a drink. No sign of barbecue. 3 hours later still no sign of barbecue. Mega embarrassing. Far too awkward to ask, we didn't know them that well and kept thinking it was appearing. Couldn't look at DH as I felt his eyes boring into my head! Half an hour later we cheerily said our goodbyes! Never had a barbecue! Most peculiar. DH asked if I heard right and god's honest truth, I heard the words "would you like to come to ours for a barbecue on Saturday night!"

Sorry am derailing here but moral of the story is, I should have taken some sausages

[Bluntness100]

For us, with very close friends we see often this is normal, for friends who are not so close, no we wouldn't bring anything other than wine and wouldn't expect them to either.

Just do the same back when it's your turn to host.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Within my group there are 2 distinct types of dinner. One is "shall we get together for something to eat? You bring pud and X can bring the starter" the host does the main and we never meet at the same persons house twice in a row. Then there is "Please come for dinner on X" and the host provides everything and it is more formal.

Hard to explain but we know the difference!

[notangelinajolie]

Not for dinner but I do always ask the host if they would like me to bring anything and they usually say just bring yourself and a perhaps a nice bottle of wine. I would take the wine anyway.

House parties yes. When my kids were at primary school there was quite a large group of mums and dads who were friends and we would take it in turns to host a party. Rule was everyone had to bring a bottle and a homemade dish of their choice. Kids went too so not too boozy or to late but lots of different food to try.

Family, Christmas Dinner. We host, everyone brings a bottle but mum also brings trifle and mince pies and DB usually brings a Christmas Cake or Yule Log or some such niceness.

[trinity0097]

If I want people to bring things I make it clear when I invite them, have often done really great ladies nights as a pot-luck supper where everyone brings something to share with everyone else, but that would be clear from the outset as part of the invite.

If I invite people for dinner then I would provide it all, even the special diet stuff for my friend who is gluten free and a vegi thing for her partner.

[Bobochic]

I greatly object to being asked to bring part of a meal when I am invited out. I rarely want to go so if you want the pleasure of my company you need to try very hard to make it worth my while by pampering me

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I'm so excited about making a new friend, now worried I may have overstepped the mark!!"

I kind of think you have, drivinmecrazy. Pudding and prosecco!

We will be drinking far more than the one bottle, given that she offered, fine to say a bottle of wine (without specifying what type), if she would like to, but I personally would not ask a new friend to dinner and then ask her to bring pudding as well.

"I'll be providing plenty of food", no you won't. You'll be providing two courses and your friend will provide one.

Having said all that, I certainly don't think you should worry now. We all do things differently, and it will either establish a pattern that you'll both adhere to over many dinners, for years to come, or she will change the pattern when she invites you back.

[Chewbecca]

When invited, I always say 'can I bring anything'. Many say, no, just yourself and wine, some say yes, a dessert would be great.

I really don't mind either way. If bringing something helps someone, I'm happy to do so. They might not even feel they can manage a dinner party otherwise, I'd rather have the event with me bringing a pud than no party.

[Chewbecca]

Although I have been to a NYE party where every guest was asked to bring food (nibbles) and drink, so host provided venue only. And lived not v central so we had to take cabs (whereas most guests could walk to each others' houses)

[BonsGirl]

To be fair, there's been a number of occasions where me and friends have done something similar, where we all buy something and have a meal at one person's house - or we've all put say £5 into a pot and one person shops and cooks a meal... but if someone formally asked me to dinner I'd bring a bottle/flowers/chocolates but I wouldn't expect to be asked to bring something!

[TSSDNCOP]

If I know it'll be a fairly big dinner I will always offer to do a dessert for the hostess as well as take a couple of bottles of wine. She can only say no.

I've also got a couple of friends that particularly like a pate I make so they will often ask if I can knock one u as a starter or buffet filler.

If I'm cooking and someone offers I usually say no, I'm on it, but if I think the starter and main will be more faff than usual I'd gratefully accept a dessert offer.

I'm not sure you can offer an invite to dinner and then outsource every element including the china and flatware.