To be annoyed at being asked for dinner and then told to bring food and drinks?

[Pininthedrawer]

Is this how it works these days??

Whenever I have people round for dinner I would never expect to bring anything but themselves. Usually people bring a bottle of wine which is very kindly received.

However the last few times I've been asked round for dinner (three different couples), I've been asked to bring:

Pudding (for eight!)
Cheese board (for six)
And the latest one is 'pudding and drinks'!

Is this what having someone round for dinner is all about now?

[expatinscotland]

I'd be okay with the pud, but not drinks for 8 fucking people!

[MrsHathaway]

I think it depends.

If the same person is always the host (eg for babysitting reasons) then it seems fair to split the cost of hosting. Eg my circle of women friends, it tends to work that one has to be at home because it's her weekend with the DC, another is free because it's the XH's weekend, and a couple of us leave the DC at home with their equally resident fathers. It wouldn't be fair if the lone parents were stuck with the food bill every time.

If on the other hand it's fairly equal and you're taking it in turns to host, then it's fair to bear the cost when it's your turn and not every time.

I also think it's a bit different bringing pudding for six (400!!) rather than the equivalent of enough for two or three and the group will all have a bit of everything that everyone's brought.

Each year we go to one Halloween party and host another (one on the day, one on the nearest Saturday, so they rarely clash). When we host it's a low key starting point for neighbourhood ToTing* so we provide a small amount of food for the guests and neither want nor expect contributions. I doubt we spend £30 in total for getting on for 30 people so there's no significant financial burden.

When we go as guests we always take a self-contained plate of something because she hosts probably a hundred people it's amazing; highlight of the year and although you're directed to bring a bottle that's only the tiniest contribution compared to what you actually get. They must spend four figures.

• slightly complicated but we all take all our young children round a circuit of each other's houses, with one parent dashing ahead or staying behind to answer the door. So everyone's contributing ToT sweets etc anyway.

[WaitrosePigeon]

I don't know. Do you?

[AgreeableH]

I had a friend who invited 5 of us for a roast dinner....then once we'd accepted asked for a financial contribution 😮And provided no wine!!!! Not rushing back any time soon. I only ask people to bring a bottle as we invariably end up getting through a fair bit!

[lalalalyra]

I think it depends on the invitation. If I was inviting people specifically for dinner I'd cater everything. However, I regularly have a couple of friends round and the reason we get together at mine is because I have enough space that they can put their kids to bed. So it's just a case that we meet at mine. In that case I'll tend to organise the main, someone else does the puds and someone else the drinks.

[BobbinThreadbare123]

I thought it was polite to take a bottle of something or some chocs if invited to dinner but if the host needs you to bring more, the invitation is given as a Jacob's join. Usually barbecues are Jacob's joins.

[Famalam13]

DHs group of friends do this. It's a hangover from their uni days when they were poor. Because it's done regardless of who is hosting I think it's fine and everyone knows it's the norm so automatically say what they will be bringing. It makes for an eclectic menu which is quite fun :) I would never have a problem taking a course with me to a dinner party, am going for the company as much as the food.

[Bythebeach]

Was it made clear at the point of invitation it was an American Supper type thing? If it wasn't, YANBU. I've been asked at the outset if I want to come to an everyone-brings-a-dish dinner. No issue. But if it was sprung on me after I'd accepted, I would be unimpressed.

[SheldonCRules]

I'd never turn up empty handed but if I accept an invite I expect the host to provide as I would if hosting.

[Bettersleepoutdoors]

Pininthedrawer that is what parties or dinners are like with some of my inlaws.
It's so annoying. If you want to host a simple dinner party or gathering then get on with it. Ask me for some wine or chocolates but no, I don't want to bring a fucking cheese board or pudding for 10 people.
It's a PITA.
How do you choose what to serve if you've no control over the rest of the meal?

[6o6o842]

I would always ask if I can bring anything, and I gratefully accept offers to bring things from our invited guests. Some people are cheeky though. A few years ago we hosted 40 people for Christmas Day and then the same group for Boxing Day (DH drunkenly invited them all back and they all accepted). We supplied all of the food and most of the alcohol, which was fine as we were happy to host and it was all family. A few weeks later we were invited to a party organised by some of those guests - everyone invited had also come to our Christmas Party (but it wasn't all 40) and we were asked to bring our own meat and drinks. Really?!?

[GrumpyOldBag]

Different rules apply for Christmas - I would definitely agree in advance with whichever family member was hosting xmas lunch what contributions the others should bring, to ease pressure on the host.

[dollydaydream114]

I'd never ask people to bring anything, but I've found that usually people bring some wine and/or chocolates (or flowers or something) and I consider that the polite thing to do.

I certainly wouldn't expect friends to bring over a pudding or a cheese board or anything to a dinner I was hosting. For me, the main point of inviting someone for dinner is that I cook for them - but then, I really like cooking.

On Boxing Day my sister and I take it in turns to host a family lunch with Christmas leftovers and various accompaniments, and we always bring stuff to each other's houses - a dessert, perhaps, or a veggie dish, or some seafood or a delicious vat of posh soup as a starter. But that's just our ongoing agreement and we're sisters after all so it's all pretty relaxed. There'd be no problem if one of us couldn't bring something and neither of us really has to go to much extra trouble.

[NotCitrus]

Depends if you're invited "for a dinner party" vs "come over and hang out". If someone explicitly said "come for dinner", I'd probably make a sarcastic comment.

Except for when my godmother was in her 90s and her friends were dying off and she had no family so her friends and then their children were everything. She'd ensure someone came for dinner every day so every couple months I'd get the phone call - I need you to come for dinner on xxx. And then "I need you to bring the soup I'm afraid. Actually, could you also bring some bread? And butter? And ..."

She was housebound by then and to be fair, did provide the gin and tonic, the sherry, the wine, the port...

[NicknameUsed]

Sounds like a fair exchange to me NotCitrus

[SoupDragon]

The Fuckwitted Daily Mail have picked this up.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Depends if it's a dinner party or a pot luck meal. I used to love pot luck parties, but can't get anyone to join in here. However, each person brings food for 1 (well, they usually bring much more) and then you put it all together. If you're being asked to bring the food for everyone, it's like you're hosting the party isn't it?

[curlilox]

I was invited to the evening reception of a good friend's wedding (we had been good friends for over 30 years) and the invitation asked me to take a dessert. She's not exactly poor, having inherited a tidy sum from her Mum.

[GrumpyOldBag]

Does this drivel that passes for journalism appear in the print edition of the DM or just online?

[Blueflowers2011]

i used to have a couple from NCT that used to send 'save the date, dinner round ours' type thing and make such a big deal about meeting up, then always a few days before they would ask each person/couple to bring a proper course round.

I don't see them anymore, I appreciate what they were doing and making life easier but that's not a dinner invite for me. I always offer to make something and would always take wine/chocs if invited somewhere but i could do without the added hassle of cooking my own food to take round someone elses house. So I dont do it anymore.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It is rude, and not done from where I am. Guests usually bring a bottle of something, flowers or chocolates for the host.

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

When I invite friends rounds I always provide all the food and get drinks in.

Friends are lovely because I have no time for crap/tight/annoying people and cut them off and always bring nice wine, flowers and offer to help tidy up etc

I like cooking, so tbh I wouldn't really want anyone brining a course. I like to plan the starter/main/pudding and make sure the menu is balanced.

Having said that my parents did this "bring a course" thing a lot. There was a big group of them and it was very much a mutual thing.

I think this all feels distasteful when it's someone whose obviously trying to invite people round on the cheap and/or being lazy.

Overall it's not my cup of tea, but I wouldn't mind it if I knew when accepting or not the invite.

[erchissick]

That is a cheap and nasty trick by the host. Unless you are in a group who regularly get together and each bring something, then you shouldn't be expected to bring anything!

If I'd been asked to dinner, and was then told to bring a pudding course for everyone, I would speedily find an excuse not to go at all!

[ChilliChipolatas]

I'd always take the booze I expect to drink, one as a gift and I'd ask if they wanted me to bring any food, if they said yes, I'd bring it. But then my friends and myself are not wealthy so we all muck in, it's the company that's more important.

[SherbrookeFosterer]

I once took a bottle of very good champagne to a dinner party and our host's husband mixed it with a tin of Guinness.

I laugh now, but I was annoyed at the time!