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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this free holiday again?

64 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2017 12:40

Parents have a holiday home, they go several times a year for 2-3 wks at a time. Travel consists of a long drive (think 11am -6pm with a lunch stop) overnight ferry, then couple of hours drive again.

House is rural, looks nice, quiet I think. Local towns and villages.
They keep asking me to go with them. They will pay for everything. Previously I've said Im not willing to use 3 weeks of annual leave for it, and have animals to look after. This time though I'm on maternity leave and the animals are less and easier. Husband could look after them. I will however have a toddler and few months baby.

I can't say the idea of the holiday fills me with joy. The drive especially, I wouldn't fancy anyway let alone with 'the family'. I live my parents but not sure I fancy getting on for three weeks constant company.

Dm will be offended I feel sure. My siblings and kids are happy to take advantage of these free holidays wherever possible. I'm not keen on being paid for and can't/won't pay for a holiday I'm not that keen on.

So, aibu to keep saying no? And how do I get it across causing least offence?

OP posts:
TwentyChews · 19/01/2017 13:19

Could you:

a)fly out instead?
b) go for a shorter time?
c) DH drive with you - then he fly out but stay a weekend at beginning and end iyswim

I personally would try and really work out what is stopping me. If it is the travel/logistics then can that be fixed/mitigated?

If it is that the thought of 3 weeks with your parents fills you will horror then don't go. I would not. I can do 2-3 days max. 3 weeks would be horrific for my MH.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/01/2017 13:20

I think while you are on maternity leave is an ideal time to do it, it's not like you're using up your annual leave.

I'd do it, but I miss my Dad like hell now that he's no longer here, so maybe I have a bit more appreciation of doing these things while you can. I spent a month last year with my Mum & siblings, all the kids etc because it was important to her. Was it a realmholiday for me? No. Was it fun? Not much. But it made my Mum happy & that's important to me. She's not always going to be here.

If your parents are comfortably off & have offered to pay, let them. They want you there & are happy to do so.

RhodaBull · 19/01/2017 13:27

I'd try it once. I presume you'd be there for the whole time as it would be your parents doing the driving/organising of transport if it's in the middle of nowhere.

Your siblings seem to enjoy going, so it can't be that much of a nightmare holiday.

RiversrunWoodville · 19/01/2017 13:34

Sounds just like what my own DM used to recount with dread doing with her MIL and they took a cottage in Mull. Then when I was onboard she pleaded constant morning sickness and somehow never got sucked back in Grin. Sorry got distracted. I would say something along the lines of not being able to stay the full time with the baby being so young

MommaGee · 19/01/2017 13:39

There's no way I'd do that drive with a small baby who can't be in the car seat for more 2 hours without a break. You need at least 3 breaks around movement, feeds and nappies.
If I could fly I'd give it a try but no chance I'd drive

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 13:43

Yanbu. I could not enjoy a 3 week holiday with anyone! Not even my kids and dh Grin.

Just say "Sorry Mum, it's too much driving. It looks lovely but it's really not for us."

It's making me cross on your behalf that your parents expect you to say yes to this! and will try and guilt you if you don't accept.

CMOTDibbler · 19/01/2017 13:49

If you don't want to go, don't go. Its an invitation, not a summons, so just say cheerily 'thanks mum, but I don't think so, have a lovely time!'. You don't have to give excuses, the only thing that matters is what you want to do

NerrSnerr · 19/01/2017 13:53

I wouldn't want to do this, especially if my husband was staying at home. That's a long drive with small children.

GeekyWombat · 19/01/2017 13:56

If your toddler is anything like mine I'm loathe to take her anywhere I've not had a chance to scope out beforehand for any kind of extended period. Running after her to stop her opening cupboards, flinging herself lemming like down stairs etc is exhausting but doable for a couple of hours in MIL's house with DH and I tag teaming her and the baby together. Three weeks on my own? Never mind a holiday to do it, I'd need therapy and I don't think it's fair to assume other people will be on and vigilant the whole time to help.

Definitely YANBU.

Is there a compromise? Long weekend flying there and back with DH included?

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 13:56

When your parents are no longer here will you look back and regret the times you decided not to spend with them?

Why do people always pull this shit?!

I love my parents very much and will be heartbroken when their time comes, but that doesnt mean that holidaying with them would be a good thing! In fact, three weeks with each other would probably damage our relationship if anything. We have different expectations of holidays in particular and daily life in general. Mum and I disagree on certain key issues such as diet. It would start with the best of intentions and end with a bad atmosphere and bloody great row probably! My sister and her husband spent a week on hols with my parents and all parties said "never again".

None of us will be around for ever, thats just how it is and its no reason to emotionally blackmail someone.

Chewbecca · 19/01/2017 15:09

I'd fly out for a week or so with the children. And take lots of books with me for me to read whilst they look after the kids.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/01/2017 15:18

Also you say your DH could look after the animals, so obviously he wouldn't be going.

Imagine the uproar on here if a woman posted that her DH was going for a three week holiday with his parents and taking the kids, but without her.

Your DH may be fine with that aspect, but I wouldn't want to take that long a holiday without DP.

OP you don't have to go if you don't want to, and you don't have to invent reasons why not. If DM is offended, then it isn't really an invitation is it? It's a summons. And acceding to a mother's summons is the way madness lies. Grin

Laiste · 19/01/2017 15:42

Just wanted to sympathise with the 'not wanting to disappoint' aspect of it. It's easy to suggest 'just say no then', and technically yes, there's no law against you just saying no, but it's a tangled web with family sometimes Grin

My in laws have a holiday home which they go to often. DHs siblings have all been out there, one goes a lot. We still haven't been. And it's the elephant in the room sometimes! Grin It's a mixture of reasons - one being that the offer is only alongside inlaws while they're out there too so we'd be ... doing 'their' style of holiday. Plus we don't have the money for a hol every year and then it's only a week - we like to do our own thing.

So anyway - i would concentrate on the not wanting the long drive aspect for now. It's a perfectly valid reason with young children.

OVienna · 19/01/2017 16:07

What PyongyangKipperbang said. x About a million.

Hissy · 19/01/2017 16:44

Op said she loves her parents but not 24/7 for 3 whole weeks. She hasn't said anything more than this.

So why the crappy twattish emotional blackmail shit being trotted out yet again?

I have awful parents who I would not leave a pet rock with let alone my ds.

We are allowed to say that we don't want to spend time with people we don't want to spend time with, and actually to get to that point there is usually a good reason.

If anyone wants to carry on and trot out the "but they're your parents" line again, I'll pm you a contact for my mother (not her address mind, when she moved she didn't think to tell me where to) and you can see for yourself

Mind you, it was just me she was nasty to, her PFB. And my son PFGS. So maybe she'd be nice to someone else. Either way it's never going to be a loss to me, because she wasn't actually nice in the first place.

Good riddance. I can't wait for her to die, then it's over. I'll just have a mother who died, not one who never loved me.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 19/01/2017 16:56

oh OP - I have parents with a holiday home in France. I have taken DC1 there once and DC2 never. It's not a holiday, my mum annoys me, it's middle of nowhere so there's nothing to do. I see them in the UK instead.

That 11am - 6pm drive, will they actually stop every 2 hours for your DC2? Is there room in the car for you and 2 car seats or wil you have to take your own car so do a whole day (possibly 2 days once you factor in car seat stops!) with 2 DCs? Obviously do-able, but hardly 'fun'. If you go in their car, does that mean you will never get a break from them and be stuck on their schedule?

I'd just say no, smile and say the drive it too much for your DCs, maybe when they are older, or perhaps you'll look at flying... Arrange to see your parents either side of the 3 weeks they are away. Do some days out in the UK.

girlywhirly · 19/01/2017 17:16

It isn't really a free holiday if you are paying transport costs that you admit are expensive.

Even if you get on really well most of the time, it's 'their' holiday home, you have to fit in with what they want to do and three weeks is a long time, even with those you love dearly.

Have you ever said 'it's a generous offer mum and dad, but it really isn't our kind of holiday.'

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2017 17:17

Thanks for all of your responses. They mostly make me feel better.

To clarify, sorry if it's classed as drip feeding,

My parents are great, but very different to me and DH. Dh would not go. Which is fine, everyone is OK with that. Still 3 weeks is a long time for me and dc to go without him.

Dp's do some free of charge childcare for me and are fabulous with ds. So I guess this time I feel a little bit obligated.

The travelling would be with them in their car. I can't see them wanting to pay for flights as well.

Anytime it is mentioned my heart sinks. I don't want to go, various reasons, and I know she'll take it personally.

I don't think.ill regret it when they're gone. I had a few days away last summer with dm and ds, she really enjoyed it. I do spend time with them.

Also, my siblings are very different to me so them enjoying themselves isn't an indicator.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2017 17:18

Dp's think the drive is fine because they've done it with small children and babies before.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 19/01/2017 17:23

Notta did they stop every two hours to get the kids out the car? Curse I reckon you insisting on that would have them running for the hills lol

Are you in a position to pay for flights to coincide with their drive and just do a week? Agree 3 weeks is ages away from DH for you and the kids

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2017 17:28

No they didn't stop every two hours. I did two hours with ds when he was 5 months old and it was bloody awful on the return journey.

I can't pay for flights.

I'd consider it if it were for a week but 3.... It's just too long. Apart from anything else I'm sure I'd get bored!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/01/2017 17:32

Why do you have to go with them in their car? Why can't you go in your car for a week?

MrsNuckyThompson · 19/01/2017 17:34

Could you fly over and they pick you up from a local airport? Sounds good to me, and potentially help with children for you for 2 weeks.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/01/2017 17:34

Because you pay per car for the ferry, which is already expensive for one car. They have a 7 seater which would fit us all in, child seats included.

OP posts:
minipie · 19/01/2017 17:45

I'm doing a similar trip to my parents' holiday home this summer.

However:

  1. we are flying
  2. it's 2 weeks not 3
  3. DH is there for all but 5 days of it
  4. my DC are older
  5. the house is well set up for kids (cot, highchair, paddling pool, toys, plastic plates etc etc)
  6. i get on well with my parents

I wouldn't do what your parents are suggesting. Especially not that drive with a toddler and small baby - no way. I would do 7-10 days, if I could fly and if they can equip the house for small DC.

Can your DH come out for a long weekend either end? That would make the travel much easier.

Ah sorry just seen you can't pay for flights Sad then I wouldn't do it.