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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to reply to an expupil's email?

70 replies

Wallace19 · 17/01/2017 22:52

Hi, genuinely have no idea if this is allowed, I really don't want to ask my senior in case they take it the wrong way. I am not a teacher, but am an assistant in pastoral, but do admin work also.

About 6 years ago I worked very closely with a pupil and it was really upsetting when they left (never quite knew what was going on with her, unfortunately, she never said much, but would always speak to me, it's so rewarding things like that) anyway... She sent me an email (school email) when she left letting me know what she was going to be doing at college, but I didn't answer it, as I felt it was just too close to her actually being a pupil. She was 16 too and everything was always through her parent, and I remember telling her parent how I'll look forward to knowing how they all get on (I was quite involved with family too but it was v complicated) never heard from parent since (didn't really expect to) but have received a really lovely email this week (she must be about 22 now) telling me she has just graduated and hasn't forgotten the support I gave her. I'm just wondering if I am allowed to answer it? It is probably really obvious but I have never been told about things like this. Obviously have with pupils at the school and like I said, I never answered the previous one. However, what about this one? It's not like it would go through her parent now (which I know I would be able to answer) as she is a young adult.

Thank you.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 17/01/2017 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DramaQueenofHighCs · 17/01/2017 23:22

Major we are not allowed to where I work either, however it's ok once they are over 18. I don't think a school can have any say once they are an 'adult' anyway. (Though I may be wrong, and may be a slightly different age if the school has a 6th form I guess.)

Touchmybum · 17/01/2017 23:32

Oh do reply - it would be mean not to, and it's long enough ago, plus she is well over 18. You would speak to her if you met her in the street? My elder daughter's year head (male) befriended them all on FB as soon as they left school! Nothing sinister; I guess he had watched them all grow up over 7 years and wanted to know how they were doing.

haveacupoftea · 17/01/2017 23:34

Yes of course!

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 23:36

My elder daughter's year head (male) befriended them all on FB as soon as they left school! Nothing sinister; I guess he had watched them all grow up over 7 years and wanted to know how they were doing.

Now I think that's weird, unless they added him (and I'm still a bit uncomfortable with it). Facebook isn't the same as an email-he can see all sorts of things about their lives compared to what they might reveal in an email.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 23:36

I'm not saying it's always wrong-just that I personally wouldn't do it.

hellsbells99 · 17/01/2017 23:37

My DD (nearly 20) met up with an ex teacher last week for a coffee and a bit of advice over her uni work. They have kept in touch because the teacher was excellent and helped her a lot, as well as being lovely.

ProjectGainsborough · 17/01/2017 23:45

Are you not allowed to keep in touch with pupils under 16 then? DS (primary age) corresponds with his old teacher, although all through my email address and I generally top and tail the messages.

Theyre too little as yet, but I might feel a little weirded out if a teacher friended my kids on FB, though.

BackforGood · 17/01/2017 23:54

Of course.
It would be awful not to reply.

I agree there is a massive difference between corresponding by e-mail and adding on to FB (for pupils just leaving).

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/01/2017 00:03

She has probably realised why you didnt reply to her last message and thats why she is in touch now.

I cant see any issue at all with you being in touch with her. You must have really made a difference to a troubled young woman to have her keep in touch like this, you should be proud!

Passmethecrisps · 18/01/2017 00:06

I use my work email which makes it more 'official'. There is no issue if under 18 either. No social media contact though even when they have left. The friends of friends etc is too complex to risk that.

Original poster
Wallace19 · 18/01/2017 00:08

Passmethecrisps it probably varies. I definitely wasn't when she was a pupil, even work email. She emailed once (from her school email too) and I was told strictly that I wasn't to answer it.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 18/01/2017 00:11

Undoubtedly. In my role email is critical and I have had kids email in the evenings to tell me about stuff they were too scared to mention. I think that's ok.
I do understand why schools take a very firm approach but I think it is a shame in some ways

YouHadMeAtCake · 18/01/2017 00:22

Definitely reply, she'll be so pleased. You must have really made a great impression. How sweet. I wish I'd had a nice teacher I could have written to ,thanking them but mine were mostly awful Grin

Bumper wtf?!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/01/2017 00:25

Gosh. I left school at 17 and immediately started corresponding with one of my favourite teachers - Christmas cards and letters. She was a massive support to me and we both enjoyed exchanging letters. I feel a bit sad that this wouldn't be allowed nowadays. (Disclaimer: if I'd left school in the current age I would have sent emails rather than letters but would never have Facebook friended or any thing like that)

ExplodedCloud · 18/01/2017 00:29

I think at 22 it would be fine to send a pleasant email.

pollyglot · 18/01/2017 00:34

I have an ex-student coming to stay with me on the other side of the world in her gap year-with the blessing of her mum. Loads of students email/message/call me. Just contact her!!

AlpacaLypse · 18/01/2017 00:35

I'm in FB contact with several of my old teachers. Now that we're all grown ups the age difference is pretty irrelevant - there isn't much between late 30's and mid 40's and early 50's really.

RubbishMantra · 18/01/2017 00:38

If your role is in pastoral care/counselling, then you will surely have a supervisor that you meet with to discuss these kinds of matters with, on a monthly basis at least. I would urge you to take it to them if you're unsure how to proceed.

Original poster
Wallace19 · 18/01/2017 00:46

RubbishMantra - no, not counselling at all :) I'm a pastoral assistant/admin worker, I collect children who need some time away from lessons, explain things to them, etc. and then I also deal with updating their files. I don't specifically have sessions with them, but obviously she ended up speaking to me, so she would always be passed on to me if their was an incident, but my job is definitely not counselling and I'm also not a pastoral leader (there are 3 higher pastoral roles above me!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallace19 · 18/01/2017 00:48

Of course I'm trained btw, didn't want it to sound like I wasn't, but I wouldn't discuss a certain pupil with a specific person, as it isn't like I'm having sessions with them, I obviously speak to the correct KS Pastoral leader but that really is as far as it goes, our school employs outside counsellors from charities to have sessions with pupils, who I'm sure do it very differently.

OP posts:
HennaFlare · 18/01/2017 01:28

My old form tutor has been coming over for dinner with my husband and I since we finished uni! Some people you will always have bond with. She was an incredibly supportive adult in my life - genuinely like family.

RubbishMantra · 18/01/2017 01:36

But you don't use specific names with your supervisor though - just case numbers. So no need to divulge names to anyone.

Boundaries are very important in these situations. Again, I believe if you are involved in any type of counselling, a supervisor is very necessary.

By "KS", are you referring to Kid Safe? In that case the pastoral leader (effectively your supervisor) is the best person to explore this with.

Original poster
Wallace19 · 18/01/2017 01:49

RubbishMantra it just doesn't work like that here, there are no 'cases' etc. sorry, but I don't know what you're going on about. Everything I know, the KS pastoral leader knows, by KS I mean Key Stage, so I speak to the Key Stage 3/4 pastoral leader depending on which the student is in. My supervisor isn't them. I'm sorry but it obviously works differently.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 18/01/2017 01:52

Anyway, whatever you decide, welcome to MN.

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