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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be put of by funeral dress codes?

61 replies

Funnyfarmer · 16/01/2017 21:52

Back in November a mum from school tragically passed, I didn't know her to well but felt I would like to pay my respects at her funeral. Just as I was about to get ready I got a text saying the family have requested people are to wear bright clothing. I opened my wardrobe and had nothing bright in my autumn/winter wardrobe even if I had the time to dig out my summer clothing they are just that summer clothing It was a burial, I would have been freezing. I don't know her family and felt I may have percived as disrespectful if I turned up in dark clothing, so I decided not to go. Today I attended a funeral where everyone was asked to wear a Manchester United kit! Luckley this time I had few days notice and managed to borrow a united tracksuit 3 sizes to big, if I hadn't managed to borrow one would I have been expected to buy one? On Thursday I'm attending another funeral where everyone has been asked to wear rastapharian/Jamaican style clothes. I hope I'm not coming across disrespectful because I really don't mean too but it really is putting me off attending peoples funerals who otherwise I would like to pay respect too

OP posts:

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 01:02

I attended a funeral where we were asked to wear Aberdeen FC tops or anything red as the man who died was football daft

It's funny how people have such very different ideas of what a funeral should be. My granddad was a big football fan, but if anyone had turned up in his favourite team's strip, my gran and the other older female members of the family would have to be restrained from taking turns battering them up and down the aisle of the church.

It would be considered the height of disrespect that you couldn't be bothered to at least borrow a white shirt and a dark, sombre tie.

I'm not sure if my family funerals are unduly sombre, rituslised and formal affairs. Outward shows of emotion at the funeral is frowned upon and the funeral is very much seen as the day to see off the person with due ceremony and decorum rather than opportunity to greive.

Weeping and wailing would be seen as drawing attention to yourself and should be done in private. Concentrate on giving them the send off they're due.

Written down it sounds harsh and unfeeling, but doing that feels good as if it is the last gesture of love and respect.

TheClaws · 17/01/2017 03:32

I hope I'm not coming across disrespectful because I really don't mean too but it really is putting me off attending peoples funerals who otherwise I would like to pay respect too

You are somewhat. You wouldn't attend a funeral because of a clothing request? That's a little, well, self-centred.

lizzieoak · 17/01/2017 05:04

Is this a thing now?! Well. Well, well.

I remember my brother's wife wore a white dress w red polka dots to a funeral in the 80's. Everyone was aghast.

I'm with Gilmartin - full on Victorian please.

KeyserSophie · 17/01/2017 05:09

Is Corpsezilla the new Bridezilla?

Destination funerals could be the next big thing.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/01/2017 05:20

You are somewhat. You wouldn't attend a funeral because of a clothing request? That's a little, well, self-centred

No,it's the opposite imo,the OP doesn't want to offend.

OP one year I had 4 funerals in 6 months,awful.

Whathaveilost · 17/01/2017 05:36

We were asked to wear ice hockey shirts.
There was a huge hockey community with fans from different teams attending so the family was happy about that.

Friends and family also attended that had no ice hockey interest and just wore normal stuff. It wasnt a problem.
Later, at the wake the different shirts were a good conversation starter and brought fans together ( things had become frought betweeen fans from different clubs in the months before this paticilar death)

LarrytheCucumber · 17/01/2017 05:43

My DM wanted bright colours for DF's funeral. All my smart clothes are black, so I wore a coloured pashmina over the top. She just didn't want it to be like the funerals of her youth.
If you aren't family a bit of creativity such as a scarf in the appropriate colour should be fine.

CrazyOldBagLady · 17/01/2017 05:53

I was once part of a group that wasn't informed about the no black rule at a funeral.

We looked like the cast of Reservoir Dogs turning up at a village fete.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/01/2017 05:55

*I'm not sure if my family funerals are unduly sombre, rituslised and formal affairs. Outward shows of emotion at the funeral is frowned upon and the funeral is very much seen as the day to see off the person with due ceremony and decorum rather than opportunity to greive.
Weeping and wailing would be seen as drawing attention to yourself and should be done in private. Concentrate on giving them the send off they're due. *

My nan died a couple of years ago and I cried when I arrived on the street my nan lived on. I cried following the funeral procession (luckily DP was driving). I cried when we walked into the church. I cried when I saw how upset my sister was. I cried the whole time and I'm crying now.

I had no intention of drawing attention to myself, quite the opposite. I wanted to bury myself in a hole but I couldn't control my emotions. I seriously doubt anyone there thought I was disrespectful.

Againagain97 · 17/01/2017 06:05

A friend wanted a simple wear want you wear to the "pub" approach!

Nice and simple!

Sirzy · 17/01/2017 06:08

I went to the funeral of a friends son who had been murdered. They asked that everyone wore rugby or football shirts if they could. If seeing a sea of different shirts was going to help give the family comfort then brilliant I was happy to comply.

Personally I couldn't care less what anyone wears to my funeral and non of my immediate family have ever made any clothing based funeral requests. That doesn't mean I can't respect that everyone will grieve in different ways.

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 10:05

being I'm not saying one is right or wrong, but it has struck me that at non-family funerals I've attended, people tend to be more expressive and grieving openly.

I cried before the funeral and after the funeral, but knew it would be important to my grandmother that people conducted themselves in a certain way, for working class woman of her age, burying someone 'decent' matters hugely. People took their cue from her.

It was a case of 'you're hear to bury your grandfather, not mourning his death or celebrating his life.'

As I say, neither is right or wrong, but it is interesting how the same ritual can be used in a different way.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 17/01/2017 11:19

I would find it impossible not to cry at a funeral. I've never been to a funeral where people didn't cry. I think that would awful to have to hold your emotions in.
I know in some countries the woman howl and scream, I'm all for it.

sonjadog · 17/01/2017 11:34

How odd that you have had three of these unusal themed funerals in so short a space of time.

sj257 · 17/01/2017 11:37

I don't think it's a condition of attending the funerals, they wouldn't turn you away for wearing the wrong thing? For example, no United kit? Just wear some red. No Jamaican clothes? Get a bright scarf etc x

itfcbabe · 17/01/2017 12:12

My best friends husband died 5 years ago he was 44, she asked us to dress like we did when we went out on a Saturdasy night so I wore jeans,heels and a sparkly top. All his and her friends where in jeans and a nice colourful top,the ladies wore heels,his mother had a fit thinking we were all mad.
It made the funeral happier especially when his coffin was carried down the aisle to the theme tune of Only Fools and Horses,made us smile.

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 12:39

buttered only if you see the funeral as part of the greiving process. I realise this sounds odd, but if you (rightly or wrongly) see the funeral as a ceremony that marks the end of the life and in the minds of my grandmother (and other family members of that generation) the best you can do is that you can give your loved one a decent, solemn and dignified send off (especially as her own brothers who died young were put in unmarked paupers graves) you want to play your role in that and quite literally pay your last respects.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 17/01/2017 12:57

That's fair enough if that's how a person wants to conduct themselves at a funeral but to tell others how to act I think is wrong, how very dare they.
My mother is in her 80's and the funerals I've attended with her she's always cried too, and other people of that age. I don't think it's a generation thing is it? More a particular person/family.
I know it takes all sorts, all families are different but I thought the funeral was a major part of the grieving process, celebrating there life being part of it.
Do you think your Grandmother would have chastised anyone that was just overcome with grief and shed a tear?

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 13:16

Do you think your Grandmother would have chastised anyone that was just overcome with grief and shed a tear

Discreet crying no. I have heard it commented after another funeral that a family member who had turned up at a great aunt's funeral and made an ostentatious display of loudly weeping and wailing through the service and committal despite not having seen the deceased for a number of years whilst the immediately bereaved acted with quiet dignity.

The prevailing sentiment was that if she hasn't bothered with them in life, they should have gone that game at the funeral.

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 13:19

shouldn't have gone that game.

TrickyD · 17/01/2017 13:51

Keyser, exactly, with poems specifying outfits , no kids and asking fior dietary requirements for the wake.

TrickyD · 17/01/2017 13:58

At my funeral I want black, I want veils and and old codgers with black armbands. I want a headstone with weeping angels clutching a cross. And you can all bloody greive as well. Full on Victorian style if you don't mind, 6 months in deep mourning at least. We will not be having any celebrations of my life or bright colours, as they make me look drawn.

Totally agree, Gilmartin. And I don't want that ridiculous poem about talking to me because I am "only in the next room' .

As if!

GilMartin · 17/01/2017 14:05

Yes and I'll be dead.

Not sleeping, resting, passed or with the angels. Thank you very much.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 17/01/2017 14:06

I can understand that GilMartin, the attention seekers.
My mum did tell me about a funeral she attended, years ago, must have been in the 70's I'd say, someone was wearing a red coat, my mum wasn't impressed with that.
I really do think crying together helps. Different strokes and all that.

Giddyaunt18 · 17/01/2017 14:52

Wow that is a lot of funerals in a short space of time!! I've been to 2 in the last year and both were normal dress codes. If it was the funeral of a family member I wouldn't be offended if people couldn't find anything suitable. I'd be more upset that you didn't attend!

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