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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect a thank you

52 replies

happybeeisgoingcrazy · 16/01/2017 09:14

Will try give as much detail to avoid drip feeding so please stay with me. My partner and I had been ttc for 3 years before getting to pregnant. It was my 4 pregnancy. We have a child together already and I have one from a previous relationship. 4 days before the 10 week scan I suffered a miscarriage. It was hell of us. A month later my BIL and his partner announced they were pregnant. I was happy for them but still grieving. A few days later I was told we might never have another child. That same day I was crying on my MIL shoulder when BIL and partner turned up unannounced to shown her the buggy they had chosen. I was crying my heart out and didn't want to see them. They were everything that was taken from me and so I ran out the back door. It was not my fines hour I admit. This was two years ago. They have a lovely healthy baby girl I have been told. I have never met her because we all work and shifts get in the way or so my husband says. Anyway I have sent birthday cards and gift as well as Christmas cards and gifts and have never even had a thank you text. I know I behaved badly in the past and I have tried to explain and apologies but it all seems to be in vain. Aibu to want just a thank you text or should I just give up on them. Sorry about the length.

OP posts:
Original poster
happybeeisgoingcrazy · 16/01/2017 09:15

Sorry about the spelling and grammar mistakes just come of a 14 hour night shift.

OP posts:
Aspiringcatlady · 16/01/2017 09:19

You haven't behaved badly, you had just had a miscarriage and were grieving the loss of a child and in a bad place. I can't imagine what that must be like, but I probably wouldn't want to be surrounded by baby stuff either.
YANBU expecting a thank you at all! It really grates on me that people do not thank others for presents when they have spent their money and gone out of their way to give a gift for your child. And you haven't even met this child!!

Pluto30 · 16/01/2017 09:21

They were everything that was taken from me

This is really not a good attitude to have.

They have a lovely healthy baby girl I have been told.

Have you ever made the effort to congratulate them on their daughter? Even months later when she was finally born? Or was the last time you saw/spoke to them the time that you ran out?

Is this your sister's husband?

Nicpem1982 · 16/01/2017 09:24

Yanbu - it must have been a difficult time for you and this should have been taken into account.

Lazyafternoon · 16/01/2017 09:25

TBH I never get round to sending Thank Yous. Maybe I'm rude. It's certainly not that I don't appreciate the gift/ card/ thought, it's just finding the time and I'm so disorganised I instantly forget who got what. No one gets one unless they physically hand me the gift and I say thank you there and then. It's certainly not a personal snub to not get text!

I also wouldn't expect them to send a thank you text to you as an olive branch. A friendly text FROM YOU along the lines of 'Hi how are you, Happy Birthday to DD, I hear from MIL she is doing well. I can't believe how time has flown by. We'd love to meet if we can arrange a convenient time. Love HappyBee x'

RedHelenB · 16/01/2017 09:27

2 years and youve not seen your niece?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 16/01/2017 09:29

YANBU to expect a thank you but how can you not have seen her when she has been around for 1.5-2yrs?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/01/2017 09:29

Well firstly you didn't behave badly, you were grieving and it was an awkward situation.

Are the gifts from both you and your oh? Are they thanking him as they get them? I assume he has seen them in the two years? Assuming you both love close enough to be dropping into the in laws then not seeing each other in two years and blaming soley shift patterns is weird tbh, there has to be more to it

Original poster
happybeeisgoingcrazy · 16/01/2017 09:32

When I said they were everything that was taken from me it was how I felt at the time after the shock of finding out we might never be able to have more children. I admit that the first 6 months after we lost our baby I was in such a deep depression. Once I worked through the pain and got onto the right medication I was so excited to be an auntie. I tried several times to contact them and apologies but never got any acknowledgement.
I tried to congratulate them when the baby was born but was told no visitors just yet. Given that it was their first I understand that.
The day I ran out was the last time I spoke to them but not due to lack of effort on my part.
It is my husbands brother.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/01/2017 09:35

I'm really sorry you're in the position you're in. It's awful wanting to have a child and not being able to. Flowers

But two years? That's a long time not to meet your niece. I can understand why they'd be upset with you.

KateDaniels2 · 16/01/2017 09:36

So the child is over one and neither you or your husband have seen the child? Because of shifts?

RedHelenB · 16/01/2017 09:40

YWU on that day - you had the excitement of a first child but you rained on their first child parade with your behaviour.

Seriously, I would take a gift in person and mend bridges - life is too short.

Starlight2345 · 16/01/2017 09:43

I can't help but think there is more background to this story. Why had your DH not seen baby? Even at MIL, assuming you live close. I would ask DH what he thinks is going on.

Starlight2345 · 16/01/2017 09:45

Also YNBU on the day you were grieving...I would expect everyone to move on from the glaringly obvious.

Original poster
happybeeisgoingcrazy · 16/01/2017 09:45

I do send text and they always get read but never replied. It just feels like a one way street but I really want to work things out.
When I send gifts and cards there is always one from each memeber of our family. So 4 cards and 4 presents if that makes sense. MIL always ends up handling them over. Husband get very short responses when he contacts them and whenever it is to meet up they have work or plans.The one time I was able to swap work to attend a family get together their little one had s tummy bug and so they had to miss out.

OP posts:
CMamaof4 · 16/01/2017 09:51

You haven't met your Niece? Honestly I would ignore you too..
I don't get why people do things like that, don't bother seeing people but send cards for birthdays or christmas when they can't be bothered to even meet the kids, Its pointless, You are either there or your not...

icy121 · 16/01/2017 09:53

Nice bit of empathy from pluto there 🙄 Take it you've never suffered infertility/MC?!

YANBU in any of it. Maybe make an offer of a time to meet up, but it's up to them to accept. If they're not interested then that's up to them and frankly if they haven't got over you running out the room post miscarriage 2 years ago, they not worth the heartache and headspace IMO. also who brings a buggy around to show off?!Hmm

Flowers to you.

Nicpem1982 · 16/01/2017 09:55

Cmama- the op has reasonably attempted to arrange a meeting but is being ignored and when her dh has attempted to arrange a meeting he's being met with a brick wall too.

With this in mind why would you ignore the op?

Liiinoo · 16/01/2017 09:59

You were not unreasonable to run out crying. You were grieving, that makes us behave differently. It does seem very, very unreasonable to have not to met your niece in all that time. I would be very hurt if I were her parents.

If I were you I would stick my neck out on this one. Make an effort, contact your SIL and say 'it seems mad that after all this time we still haven't seen Baby Girl X. I hear she is gorgeous, when can we meet up?' And make a plan. It might break the ice. If they still blank you, at least you know where you stand.

Not getting thank yous for gifts is rude, but forgivable.

Willow2016 · 16/01/2017 10:00

OP didnt rain on anyones parade!

She was devastated by the news she had just been told and was sobbing her eyes out when they arrived unannounced. It wasnt her fault and she left because she didnt want to take part in discussing baby buggies which is perfectly normal.

SHe has sent presents, txt and her oh has made contact but they have had short shift/no replies for 2 years!!! Thats pathetic. What kind of point are they trying to make? That she should have swallowed all the hurt down and joined in on that one terrible day just to please them? Or she shouldnt have went and go her self depressed when they were happy? Or something else?

They are depriving their child of a loving aunt and uncle for what?

pipsqueak25 · 16/01/2017 10:00

sorry but i can't help thinking there is a massive back story to this, shift work, no responses to gifts /texts, they can't attend a family do when you did because lo was ill [possible but sounds like an excuse tbh].
what is dh's take on this ? could it be a cultural thing [sticking my neck out], may dh feels he has failed in some way. nobody's fault if you cannot have more dc but people can act differently towards you.
is any of this making any sense to you at all, with their behaviour or dh 's, perhaps he is the one who has had the falling out with his db and you are unwittingly getting dragged into it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 10:00

I'm so sorry OP, but this is more than not just sending Thank Yous. They are blanking you. There is just no way that all this is down to shift, stomach bugs and coincidences.

Your BIL and SIL are lacking in empathy towards you and your sorrow. You have tried contacting them so many times and are constantly ignored/rebuffed. Have you/DH asked your MIL what is going on, she presumably is in contact with both you/DH and BIL/SIL?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/01/2017 10:04

To be honest, it sounds like they are tying to go 'No Contact' with you.

They have ignored all your attempts at trying to get in touch with them since this happened, and haven't responded to any gifts or cards you have sent. they even appear to have avoided a family gathering you were attending!

If it's been two years, and you really have made attempts to smooth things over, then I would reapect their wishes and cease trying to reach out to them.

Perhaps, one last time you should let them know you are sorry and that you realise they are trying to cut contact and sp will respect their wishes.... giving them the opportunity to correct you if you have misunderstood.

Rainydayspending · 16/01/2017 10:09

That's hard. You reacted strongly but not exactly in a way people couldn't raise some empathy over. You had just had awful news. You've also done the right uncle/ aunt things since.
I'd put this over to DH. Though i must admit I'd be inclined to take the bull by the horns and call them to check they got the gifts you left with MIL? And are they all ok etc, long time no see.

BurningBridges · 16/01/2017 10:10

But you were terribly upset because of your loss, you did nothing wrong. Surely MiL would have said something like "oh you'll have to excuse happy she's upset over MC - obviously" - and then a few days later the couple would have got in touch and said they understood and not to worry? Surely?

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