Aibu to expect a thank you

[happybeeisgoingcrazy]

Will try give as much detail to avoid drip feeding so please stay with me. My partner and I had been ttc for 3 years before getting to pregnant. It was my 4 pregnancy. We have a child together already and I have one from a previous relationship. 4 days before the 10 week scan I suffered a miscarriage. It was hell of us. A month later my BIL and his partner announced they were pregnant. I was happy for them but still grieving. A few days later I was told we might never have another child. That same day I was crying on my MIL shoulder when BIL and partner turned up unannounced to shown her the buggy they had chosen. I was crying my heart out and didn't want to see them. They were everything that was taken from me and so I ran out the back door. It was not my fines hour I admit. This was two years ago. They have a lovely healthy baby girl I have been told. I have never met her because we all work and shifts get in the way or so my husband says. Anyway I have sent birthday cards and gift as well as Christmas cards and gifts and have never even had a thank you text. I know I behaved badly in the past and I have tried to explain and apologies but it all seems to be in vain. Aibu to want just a thank you text or should I just give up on them. Sorry about the length.

I don't get why you have never gone around to see your niece. Their having a baby has nothing to do with you losing yours, it is not their fault.
You need to see your niece, take an interest and then maybe they will start thanking you.

Moon the parents of the niece will not respond to the OP or let her see the baby - did you RTFT?

Firstly I agree with those who say it is quite understandable how you behaved in the situation a couple of years ago, when you were so very understandably upset and overwhelmed by everything.

I think, also understandably being an Auntie to your niece is an important relationship for you and by remembering her birthday by sending cards and presents you are hoping to build that relationship. And so you are upset that this hasn't been recognised/ acknowledged. But I think to really build the relationship, as well as healing the past with BIL/SIL, it would be really good to try to arrange a meet-up. Can you talk with DH to try to arrange something that would work for everyone?

Also I would try not to focus on the not being thanked for pressies thing. Amongst both my friends and family it really seems quite unusual nowadays to receive (or send I have to admit) thank-you cards. I do try to get the DC to send one, at least sometimes, to their DGP's. But honestly IMHO everyone just seems to be too busy these days, and a thank-you at the time when possible seems generally to surfice (though I know some people do feel strongly - IMHO life is too short though to count these things, especially to hold it against anyone)

I understand the shock at the time but it was perhaps an overreaction that should have been dealt with straight afterwards, and it doesn't sound like that happened.

Having suffered both years of infertility and several miscarriages, I know how much of a kick in the gut it can feel when someone else is pregnant. BUT... you already have 2 children and this was their first. It really isn't the same as them havging what you wanted. Seriously, if you hadn't had any children at all it would be a little more understandable as a knee jerk reaction. Even then, I always made sure my upset was in private, my happy-for-you face masked my real feelings when in public.

I agree with the above. There must be more to this story for this level of blanking. Either your upset spilled over from focused on you (which is understandable) to be nasty to them and resentful of their circumstances (which is not.)

Did you guys attempt to visit the baby after she was born?

Think the thank you stuff might be a bit of a red herring. You might find that in fact they never send thanks to anyone at all - some people think this is ok. In fact I've known people who were bemused by thank you cards or messages they thought it contrived and false.

But anyway, yes, suggest a meeting. If they say no, then you'll know that for the time being you have to carry on without this family being in your life. BTW did you get on well with them before that one day or did they have form?

i would be interested to hear op's take on the replies on here when she has had her rest from work.
please get back to us op if you feel you can.

Also I think not sending a thank you card for presents is so rude.

Have always sat DSDs down to write them and do proper notes not just "dear x than you for my toy love DSD". They have to write a thank you bit, a couple of lines about what they did for bday/xmas, best bits etc, and then a line asking after the sender. They're at an age now (11 and 9) where they enjoy getting complimented on their letters and feel pride in the effort they make, so I see it as a massive win-win. It's boring to stand over them but worth it. Good habits start young. Clearly the parents, whatever their reasons for not talking to you, are rude. If they're accepting gifts on behalf of the kid, they should be thanking as well.

I have been through exactly the same situation - miscarriage (1st pregnancy)after about 5 years of trying and then my close friends calls up and announces when I was still grieving... I cried the whole day but thankfully did not have to meet them for another couple of weeks by when I had composed myself a bit more. I can totally relate to why you behaved the way you did . Even the sentence 'They were everything that was taken from me ' makes so much sense to me - because that was exactly how I felt too!!
However I later made an effort to meet the new parents with their new born at the hospital , smiled outwardly and surprised them by decorating their home to welcome the new one home! I suppose the difference is that you probably took a lot longer to reconcile to your situation than I did. Again I don't expect your BIL and partner to really ever see your side of emotions - only people like you and me who have lived through it can actually relate.

I wouldn't go after them anymore - think you have done enough from your end to make up. Do they ever send your LO's gifts/cards etc? Have a talk with your partner - he seems to know how they really feel which is perhaps why he has shied out from working out a meeting with them. Maybe you can also drop a hint to MIL and let her pass on the message that you would like to start afresh?
otherwise ignore and move on..!

They are rude and inconsiderate, I'd drop them and not give them another thought. Personally, I;d have done that a long time ago.

Moonface have you actually read the op's responses? She's tried to see her niece and take an interest but has been blocked by bil and sil. It's not their fault sil was pregnant when op had a mc but it's not op's fault either. Anyone with half an ounce of compassion would completely understand op's reaction to being faced with a couple showing off their new pram when she'd been talking about her loss minutes before.

Op you've done everything you can to rebuild the relationship. The ones being unreasonable are your bil and sil. Your reaction to the pram was completely understandable and if I was you sil I would have waited till another time to show off the pram. There was nothing wrong with being excited about having their baby but they could have had a little empathy for you. You ran out when they were showing off their pram not their dd. They should have got over it pdq not dragged it out for two years.

Having been in a similar situation to your bil and sil when my ds was born I was obviously very excited but I tempered it when around my sil as I could use my common sense to know she was going through hell. I wouldn't have even thought about showing off things I'd bought for ds in front of her never mind resenting her for so long.

Op of do as pp have said and send one last text to say that you'd love to see your niece but can see that they don't want contact so will respect their wishes.

Was your DH close to his brother before this?

How you reacted sounds entirely understandable given the circumstances. And 2 years is a long time not to build bridges.

If your DH is getting the brushoff from his brother, it makes me wonder if it isn't you that is the issue, just that the pair of them would naturally not have a lot to do with each other. Baby arrived and you and he expected aunt/uncle relationship but their natural setting was more of a Christmas cards only relationship.

I think the nc assumption is a bit of a PA response. I'd approach them first, but be upfront that it feels as though they're avoiding you/ cutting you out (having discussed with DH first what he thinks is going on).

They were everything that was taken from me and they know this. Which I think is the crux of the situation

Oh hunny it does sound like you have had an awful time, but if I were the child's mother I would struggle with having you involved as you seem a bit begrudging of her very existence - I don't mean to do you down as I can understand how you reacted as you did, but I can also understand them too.

I had a miscarriage whilst my own sister was pregnant but never felt how you describe and didn't compare that she had what I had lost, or compare us in anyway

I think you need to stop perusing a relationship with them and the child. They seem to want nothing to do with you unfortunately after two years it seems clear to me

Wondering why some folk are giving op such a hard time. It sounds very much like they have gone NC with her and that all attempts at apologising, trying to see niece etc have been rebuffed. Bil and sil seem to have shown little compassion or understanding for what op was going through and are instead behaving like petulant children because a distressed member of their family wasn't very nice to them once.

Nicepem, This was 2 years ago which is really a long time ago, I doubt they are annoyed at the mc scenario its probably more the fact that they haven't bothered seeing the baby? Even the presents aren't given in person they are given to them by another person, which some could read as they just give presents as its the thing to do not because they actually want to see them as they don't take the opportunity to give the presents in person?
To be honest I don't see why after two years of not seeing them anyway this is all of a sudden a real issue for the op, TWO years is a long time without seeing someone particularly family and they are probably just not bothered by making any effort either anymore op says her life is busy perhaps so is there's?
Just putting another spin on things, Not all family's are close my husband doesn't talk to his brother at all, they don't hate each other they just don't have any relationship its bizarre to me as I am extremly family orientated but I just accept that that's the way they are. Everybody's different.

I agree with giantpurplepeopleeater about NC.

I quite often see "going NC" recommended on here for situations similar to the OP's. The other side of this being the "your SIL needs to realise that it's not all about her", "your SIL will have to learn to deal with this", "it's unfair of your SIL to take the shine off your pregnancy", and variations on that theme.

Whether it's an attempt at NC or not is probably based more on what happened in the few weeks after OP ran out, rather than just that one incident.

I think you should step back OP.

CMamaof4
OP has tried to meet up, her dh has called and txt to arrange meetings but just gets the brush off and excuses. Wjat are they supposed to do?

I think 2 years of trying is long enough. I would let them stew in their own juice and put the money I would have spent on their child at Xmas and birthdays from now on into a bank account to give to her when she is 18 or 21 or something.

Oh well I read that they have never met her because "We all work and shifts get in the way" so perhaps the blame isn't soley on the inlaws?
Maybe the inlaws are just not bothered who knows? Perhaps op should just move on from it all, her husband doesnt seem overly fussed either? Perhaps they have never been close? Some families just arent.

Thank you all for responding. To answer some of your questions. Husband and brother were fine before this. We would meet up monthly for meals out together before this event.
To everyone who commented that "Thank you" responses are something they don't do I appreciate that. In my culture it is considered a massive insult to not send a thank you token. As I said before I want expecting much just a text would have been nice.
I can understand people saying to stop trying to have contact but again my religion will not allow me. I will do everything in my power to repair the bridges.
You have also affirmed some suspicions I have had few a long time but not wanted to admit. I have felt that something more happened when I was in the depths of my depression that I have not been told about. I will talk to my DH and MIL about this later.

Do they send gifts/cards to your DC?

I can understand people saying to stop trying to have contact but again my religion will not allow me

Really? What religion is that?

I will do everything in my power to repair the bridges

You can't change other people, OP, you can only change your own response.
They're making it clear they don't want to 'repair bridges' and you need to accept that....and they don't owe you an explanation for it either.

what happened in the weeks following that incident?
did you reach out and apologise?
you got on well enough to meet up once a month, so i don't understand why you didn't deal with this at the time?

yes, you were upset....but you made it all about you
you didn't speak to her, made excuses as to why you couldn't visit even once, and the cards and gifts were sent out of 'duty'.

Now, you're still making it all about you.
YOU want contact and you're hell bent on getting it.
They ignored your gifts and you still keep sending them...and you have the nerve to expect them to be thankful!
They ignore your texts/calls but you still persist in contacting them

Have you stopped to think that they could be feeling harassed by you?

Write them a letter/email saying what you want them to know.
Then leave it up to them to initiate contact if they want to.
If you don't get a response from them then you HAVE to accept that - no matter what your religion says.

I am a catholic. My priest has said that even if I don't get a response I need to know in my heart I tried to do everything within my power to repair the relationship.

About 2 weeks after the incident there was a family meal and my BIL asked me not to attend. I stayed home and my husband and children went. I don't know what was said or happened at that meal.
I never made excuses and have even swapped shifts to attend an event. That is not an easy thing to do in my job. Sadly their little one took ill and they could not attend.

I don't know if they feel I am harassing them and I will bring this question up with my MIL when I speak to her again. Thank you for showing me that I have been extremely prideful over this.

It seems like a massive overreaction on their part, what was your relationship like before that day? Had anything else been said?

If someone I knew had just been told tgat devastating news and they were too upset to face me with a new buggy and a bunch of baby talk I wouldn't expect them to apologise to me. I would be asking them if they were ok.