AIBU thinking to be upset (wedding /hen night related)

[hellejuice91]

So I am getting married at the end of May to my partner of 6 years.

For various reasons I decided to have my hen night early (the beginning of October) and I invited 20 friends to a weekend in Blackpool. Knowing people had different budgets etc I made it clear that people could come for both nights, one night, just the day etc so no one felt pressured to spend more than they could afford.

I was ill for a bit chunk of last year and the hen night fell at the same sort of time as me going back to work.

As the weeks rolled up to my hen night, more and more people were cancelling. Some had out right refused to go to Blackpool, some people never even said yes or no, and then leading up there were loads of cancellations.

Some examples include 'I can't go it's my Dad's birthday' 'I can't go I've not booked a hotel room and I won't find one now'.

Anyway it got to three weeks before and it was me, my bridesmaid and my friend who is giving me away at my wedding. A friend of friend had also invited herself, her three sisters and her mum. As it was going to feel like I was crashing on their family holiday, I cancelled.

Now, I was really hurt. My friends have a bit of a history when it comes to letting me down, but I did not think they would cancel over something so important.

Now it comes to my wedding and I am fairly sure it's going to happen again. Whenever I think about my wedding all I feel is worry that there is going to be no one there for me (I don't have any family due to an abusive childhood) and the hurt and embarrassment I'm going to feel.

AIBU to think they are going to do the same again?

WIBU to make it clear how much they hurt me over the hen night?

Is there anyone who has been through the same sort of thing that has any advice?

I would have gone with the bridesmaid other friend. 3 of you can still have a great time. I wouldn't have cancelled it if I was you.
Blackpool is an awful place though perhaps wasn't a good choice

Often I think friends dont always have spare cash to have a weekend away - they might be saving up to buy a house, get married, have kids.
I wouldn't want to go to a hen do. Weddings have got so much bigger, and more expectations on people. When I got married, a hen do was a night out perhaps in your local town. Weddings only took an afternoon and evening out of your day. Nowadays, weddings are often not local, so take more time to get to, and are costly to attend.

I'm ar so many people saying you got the hen do wrong.
What I see is someone who took a lot of time thinking about what people could or couldn't do and esp took into consideration the fact that it could be expensive so left a lot of leeway to people. (So coming for just for the day to spending the whole weekend).
I also think that if one think that a hen do is pain, as so many people on the thread seem to think, then you get back to the bride to be and tell her you can't come. You don't leave the invite wo answering nor do you say YES to then cancel at the last minute.....

I do think these people are very flakey and I'm not surprised you are hurt.

But I also think that if you tell them outright that you have been hurt you will just get a lots of excuses back and they will tell you you are unreasonable in your expectations So no I wouldn't tell them.

Re the wedding itself, have those people got back to you and said YES? Could you send a general message to all of them just saying you are chasing people who haven't answered yet and checking on number so could they confirm they are coming?

I think a lot of people feel similarly about hen nights. They don't refuse in case it causes offence and hurts the bride-to-be. They tend to find an excuse later instead.

And that is the crappest thing you can do. Because you have one person who has taken the time and effort to organise said hen do and you are letting that person down.
Because you will hurt the bride who will take that personally (why shouldn't she?)

Seriously people need to learn to man up and be assertive. That sort of behaviour is RUDE. You wouldn't get away with that with any other situation.

This is the problem with organizing ''YOUR'' special weekend, at OTHER PEOPLES expense.

Some people would have to forgoe a family holiday to attend your hen do and wedding

Looking at the costs involved for these ladies

To attend your hen do:-

1. Possible new outfit for hen do, at least one, or two if staying whole weekend
2. Essentials you don't have in travel size, toiletries, make up
3. Travel to hen do
4. accommodation to hen do
5. use a days holiday from work to travel to hen do the Friday 6)miss out on an entire weekend with family and have to organize babysitters

To attend your wedding

1. possible new outfit for wedding
2. Travel to wedding
3. wedding present for you

These kind of hen do's do end up with a high decline rate because it is all so much cost to attend. Best to keep it simple, have a local do

Agree with cooljazz
You would have had a great weekend the 3 of you but you cancelled it making you just as flaky as the people who cancelled on you

I've never flaked last minute on a hen do but I don't take them seriously (and also hate them, but I think so do a lot of people). For instance, I was late to one because I had an unexpected work thing and for another I skipped half the day because it was a bit out the way and expensive (did say I would only be there for half). For both these weddings I booked time off work however and went to considerable expense to get to the wedding, including one abroad. I would never flake on wedding because it means too much to someone.
My partner is currently ignoring stag do messages because a weekend in Bratislava on a stag sounds awful and he's not sure he can decline just on that basis. I'm sure he needs to come up with a fairly obvious excuse but at the moment he's just putting his head in the sand. Again, the wedding will be taken much more seriously.

Personally the idea of a hen do in Blackpool would be my idea of hell. Never in a million years would I confirm I was coming and then drop out that week but if people haven't explicitly said they are coming to a hen do I would assume that they're looking for an out.

I really really hope you have a lovely and stress free wedding.

Another thing I have only just registered after reading the OP again ... you're getting married in May, your hen weekend would have been in October.

That's 8 MONTHS early ... if I am invited to a hen night, I'd expect it to at least be in the same year as the wedding!

To me a hen party is for the bridal party to have a bit of bonding/pampering/last big blowout as a singleton in preperation for the wedding - so trying to have this so far in advance means that people aren't in the "wedding zone" and it seems like ou're organizing a weekend away and are framing it as a hen weekend.

You might be thinking about your wedding eight months in advance but I'm not even thinking about someone else's wedding (beyond RSVPing and booking accommodation if necessary) until a few weeks before when I have to start thinking of the specifics of outfit/accessories/travel/present etc

*This is the problem with organizing ''YOUR'' special weekend, at OTHER PEOPLES expense.

Some people would have to forgoe a family holiday to attend your hen do and wedding

Looking at the costs involved for these ladies

To attend your hen do:-

1. Possible new outfit for hen do, at least one, or two if staying whole weekend
2. Essentials you don't have in travel size, toiletries, make up
3. Travel to hen do
4. accommodation to hen do
5. use a days holiday from work to travel to hen do the Friday 6)miss out on an entire weekend with family and have to organize babysitters

To attend your wedding

1. possible new outfit for wedding
2. Travel to wedding
3. wedding present for you*

This is ridiculous. The OP did not say there was a dress code so no new outfit required either for hen or for wedding.

Nor is she requiring people to buy new make up or travel size toiletries (no one is flying so they can just take full size).

OP organised it so no one has to stay overnight so the accommodation and day of work is rubbish too.

How do you know OP has asked for gifts? No one has to get a gift for a wedding if they don't want to, bride and groom have no right to expect them.

Yes people will need to travel to Blackpool, and to the wedding. Anyone who does not want to incur this cost of travel to be there for their friend (absent dire financial circumstances) isn't a very good friend.

I get that it's not free, and I get some people might not be able to go but I despise the trend on MN of grossly exaggerating the essential costs of weddings and hen dos just to be miserable towards a bride.

The trouble with hen dos (and stag dos, really) is that it's asking people to spend quite a bit of money (even if it's just one night away) on something they might never have chosen to do normally and might actively not enjoy.

I think a lot of people just don't like hen nights very much, particularly if it entails having to travel, book accommodation or go somewhere you'd never usually choose to go. It's such a personal thing - my idea of a great hen weekend would be someone else's worst nightmare, and vice
versa.

I agree with other posters that a couple of nights away with the people who did say they could come probably would have been great! The best hen dos are usually the smaller ones in my view - much less stressful and it's the people you care about most.

Exactly sonyaya and martians. It doesn't sound like it's far away as the OP said they could do it as a day trip. Honestly, if you can't make the effort to go for a day at the seaside for a friend's hen night then you're just not a very good friend! Maybe one or two couldn't afford but all of them?

*This is ridiculous. The OP did not say there was a dress code so no new outfit required either for hen or for wedding.

Nor is she requiring people to buy new make up or travel size toiletries (no one is flying so they can just take full size).

OP organised it so no one has to stay overnight so the accommodation and day of work is rubbish too.

How do you know OP has asked for gifts? No one has to get a gift for a wedding if they don't want to, bride and groom have no right to expect them.

Yes people will need to travel to Blackpool, and to the wedding. Anyone who does not want to incur this cost of travel to be there for their friend (absent dire financial circumstances) isn't a very good friend.

I get that it's not free, and I get some people might not be able to go but I despise the trend on MN of grossly exaggerating the essential costs of weddings and hen dos just to be miserable towards a bride*

You do realize those were 'possible' costs, not a definite list of what someone would definitely spend?

I think you will find, dress code or not, that some people do buy new outfits for weddings or hen do's. To assume otherwise would assume that everyone has suitable attire in their wardrobe for one or two nights out plus a wedding

Most people do not turn up for a wedding without a gift or money of some kind, its etiquette, sending them on their way, it's normal and most people do this - I have never been to a wedding where gifts or money were not given to the bride and groom?

And as for 'booking a day off work being complete rubbish' - with that sweeping statement, I can only assume you know all of the OPs friends and have asked them what time they finish work on a Friday night then get ready for a night out, then drive to the hen party?

As for me apparently grossly exaggerating the essential costs of wedding Weekends away in Blackpool have never been a wedding essential - not that there is anything wrong with it at all, but you cannot compare a piss up in a seaside location to a 'wedding essential'

I think you completely missed the point as the bride was wondering why people had dropped out to such a large extent it all got cancelled. I explained things from my own pov that it is a lot of hassle for the friends as the OP seemed genuinely interested in why this might be and clearly I am not the only one who thinks the whole thing is a lot to ask of people, or they would have turned up

It doesn't sound like it's far away as the OP said they could do it as a day trip. Honestly, if you can't make the effort to go for a day at the seaside for a friend's hen night then you're just not a very good friend! Maybe one or two couldn't afford but all of them?

And, like I said earlier in the thread, I live across the bay from Blackpool so it is possible to do it for a day trip, but it can still be expensive/impractical - £50 alone on a train fare (and then you're beholden to the train schedule as to where you can go/what you can do and still make it on the last train home) then there's drinks/food etc - and I find that if you live close to somewhere you often don't realise how much the costs will add up because "Oh, it's only down the road, it won't be too bad!"

If I had nothing but flaky friends and no family, I'd elope, have a simple ceremony somewhere stunning, great honeymoon, then come back and just have a party with/for partner's family.

I don't know how you're trying to buy your tickets mel but I live significantly further away than you and not on direct services but could get tickets for £30!
And naughties, I read it and thought exactly the same thing, you ridiculously over exaggerated the costs to put the boot in. And nowhere did you say it was possibles, just 'costs'. Stop trying to wriggle out of it because someone has justifiably called you out for being nasty.

It's just typical MN. If she'd said it was a trip for a big birthday everyone would have sympathised. Because she's getting married loads of people want to stick the boot in. I don't know why people post wedding ones on here as there are so many nasty answers every time no matter how considerate you try to be.

Why don't you arrange another hen do OP? Speak to the friends who are most important to you and arrange a night out or dinner or trip to theatre. The next months will be busy with preparation, so have a break and have your special moment with people you care about.

This pretty much happened to me too. Not one of my so-called 'friends' turned up to my hen do. Several of them flaked out on the very day, knowing that I'd arranged and paid for mini bus transfer to the city we'd be going out in (about 40 mile round trip). Others just didn't bother to reply. One phoned me 30 minutes before the bus came to pick us up to say she hadn't been able to arrange childcare. I was devastated but as it was all done I went with my sisters and we had a good time, but it made me feel super shit.

Same went for my 30th. Loads of no rsvps, no shows and last minute 'I'm sorry i can't come because...' no concern over the money I'd spent to hire venue, DH and sort food.

People are just bloody rude and selfish. if it makes you feel any better, all of the flakes and hen do no shows did turn up to the wedding...

I now make a point to at least show my face if I can and if I cant then to inform the person early on that I can't.

I get that weekends away for hen dos are expensive (I did one last yr which, hen do(s) and wedding costs together cost me over £300), but if cost is going to be an issue, then far better to voice it early than string someone along making them think that you'll be there. It's the blatant let down that hurts and makes you feel like that person just doesn't care enough to either make an effort or tell the truth.

It's too far away from the actual wedding, too long, in a place lots don't like and will cost a lot even for the day.

A meal out one night much closer to the actual wedding would have been much better. Guests are getting fed up having to fork out lots of money and time to accept an invitation.

Lots will initially say yes so they don't appear rude declining straight off.

Surely the cost is irrelevant - confirming whether you can or can't go in a timely manner is all the organiser needs to know and exceptions to this (i.e. genuine last minute emergencies) are rare.

I think that in general, people make more of an effort for weddings than for stag/hens, because weddings are the most important bit of the ritual. They also think that dropping out of stags and hens is not problematic, because the bride and groom won't have paid for a meal for them/planned table layouts etc etc - there's a more cavalier approach. I've been on numerous hens since the late 1990s when my age group started marrying, and I doubt that a single one had the expected number of starters - someone always bails!

I think the problem is you've tried to organise the hen do 8months before the wedding. Did you discuss people's budgets prior to arranging the hen do?

I pulled out of my friends hen do because hotels and travel weren't arranged so when it came to it, it would have cost a bomb I simply couldn't afford it.

mungo What is the hourly rate to hire a DH for a night out?

(Sorry for the pathetic 'joke' )