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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frightened of telling the truth

39 replies

inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:19

I am trying to end my marriage. Husband refusing to believe it is over
He keeps asking what he has done that is so bad. That relationships are hard work and you get out what you put in.
We havent had sex in a year. Or kissed. Things havent been good for a long long time. Had counselling years back and made no difference
So now i have said the words clearly. Its over. There is no hope. He is refusing to accept it and is making me frightened. He has a history of just losing it. Shouting crying slamming and breaking doors (while our poor dc there too)
If i start listing all the reasons he will just get madder and madder and i am afraid of what might happen. I have told him this too and he just asks 'frightened of what?' He is a big man so when he loses control of his emotions it is frightening. And i am in no way wanting to sound like a victim. I am not. But i am frightened.
What can i do? Sad

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 16/01/2017 01:24

Go to sleep, tell him you're tired and you'll talk in the morning.

Get yourself and your children out as soon as possible.

If you feel in danger tonight, call the police, and leave when they arrive.

Best of luck Flowers

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:26

Thank you for replying. I keepung thinking he has gone to sleep and then he sends me another message on my phone. I am ignoring it in the hope he will sleep. My poor kids. If it was just me id get in the car and drive somewhere Sad

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 16/01/2017 01:28

He'll go to sleep eventually, are you replying to the texts? Try not to, pretend you're asleep.

Is there somewhere you can go tomorrow? You need to get out.

R2G · 16/01/2017 01:28

Call the police. They will remove him from the house. Pack and go. Sounds hard but once you do it - it is simple. Then hard again, but it's done.

R2G · 16/01/2017 01:29

If you don't feel in immediate danger, just say you'll talk in the morning. And then leave.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:32

He wants to talk tmrw. I have agreed to this as kids will be at school. But i wish i wasn't frightened. It's ridiculous. But it's the truth and makes me even more 100% sure this is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
R2G · 16/01/2017 01:39

You don't need to 'talk' tomorrow. Have someone come over while you briefly tell him you're very sorry, but you're sure you don't want to continue. Let his parents know. Ask them to collect him. Talk again about arrangements in the near future. You'll be separated by then and he'll have to learn to control himself or suffer consequences such as supervised visits with children

BastardGoDarkly · 16/01/2017 01:39

It definitely sounds the right thing to do. Get the kids off to school, then don't go home until you have someone (big); with you.

You can do it.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:44

We have no family nearby and no contact with his parents at all.
He has no friends nearby. I have no where to go with 3 dc so not sure where i would go. I am a sahm and so limited options. I didnt plan this. I don't have a plan.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/01/2017 01:46

You're doing very well so far, stay strong, you can do this.

Is there anyone you could call to come around? They could sit in another room. If not, keep your phone in your hand and do not hesitate to call the police at the first sign of him losing his cool.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 01:47

This sounds terrible. Agree with previous posters advice. Just make sure you and the kids are safe.

I've known two friends who left abusive husbands. In both cases they left the property and in one case she divorced him and bought him out of the home they had shared. he had hung on as long as she could in the home but in the end she had to leave.

Please think of what is best from a safety point. Save all his abusive texts etc.

You definitely deserve better.

lalalalyra · 16/01/2017 01:47

Call Women's Aid tomorrow when you are out on the school run and they'll help you make a plan. "Shouting crying slamming and breaking doors (while our poor dc there too)", the harassment by text and the fact that you are frightened are all good reasons to ring them and get their help.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 01:48

Sorry She had hung on as long as she could in the home but in the end she had to leave.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 01:50

inmyshoos "We have no family nearby", do you have family anywhere at all in the UK that you could go to (I am assuming you are in the UK).

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:54

He isn't abusive. Not in an obvious way. Its his losing it that scares me. He just refuses to accept it is over. I have tried to tell him many many times but he loses it and starts going round doing the door slamming/crying/shouting. He says he just cant believe it etc. Part of his disbelief comes from his belief that he has been an amazing husband and how could i just decide i dont want him. He isn't an amazing husband. He isnt generally a horrible guy but he is intense and controlling and jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:58

Yes i have parents 4 hrs away. I dont think they deserve the stress of me turning up on their doorstep. I have to find a way of sorting this out myself.
I am hoping once he has slept he might be more reasonable in the morning. He generally just cant function under any kind of stress. He just goes into this sort of blind panic which is awful (for him) but also part of how we got to this place.

OP posts:
CoffeeEyes · 16/01/2017 01:59

Try to get some sleep, and give women's aid a ring in the morning whilst on the school run. Hope you're okay Flowers

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 02:02

Thank you. No school run because dc go on school bus but i will try and sleep. I hope to god he is asleep

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2017 02:15

Please call your parents. Please. I know I'd be devastated if a child of mine was going through this and kept it from me. Even if they thought they were 'saving' me stress, I'd still be hurt that they didn't feel they could turn to me.

So maybe you don't want to 'turn up at their door'. But that doesn't mean that they can't be of help to you.

GreenTree100 · 16/01/2017 02:15

Definitely call women's aid and follow through with what you have started. You know you don't want to be with him ano once you get rid of him your life will be so much better and so will your children's lives. It might seem like the hardest thing to do but you will thank yourself for it in the future. I think he will go through a rollacoaster of emotions, anger, sadness etc but eventually he will accept it and understand that you meant what you said. It could take a week it could take a month for it to finally sink in but try to stay strong. Good luck OP, you can do this.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 02:20

Thank you. Really means a lot to have someone right now. Feel so alone. Such a horrible situation. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/01/2017 02:22

controlling and jealous is abusive, OP. Call women's aid and your parents

Original poster
inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 02:32

But the controlling is so subtle. He'd deny all knowledge. It's things like - if i have coffee with a friend, on my return he wants to know what we have talked about but he'll ask in a friendly way 'oh so what was the chat' but then if im vague (who the hell remembers what you talk about over coffee!) he'll be all 'so was there no other chat? You've been there all afternoon!' Type thing. Perhaps he is just trying to make conversation because we have nothing to say to each other. All i know is it makes me feel suffocated and controlled.

OP posts:
FondantNancy · 16/01/2017 02:37

It doesn't matter if he denies it, and you don't have to talk with him tomorrow. What HE wants does not override what YOU want.

Good luck tomorrow, OP Flowers

lalalalyra · 16/01/2017 02:42

But the controlling is so subtle.

Many, many abusers are subtle. It's how they get away with it. If they controlled by punching their partner in the face other people would see it and know they were doing it.

The fact you are scared of his temper is abusive. Making someone live in fear is abusive.