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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frightened of telling the truth

39 replies

inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 01:19

I am trying to end my marriage. Husband refusing to believe it is over
He keeps asking what he has done that is so bad. That relationships are hard work and you get out what you put in.
We havent had sex in a year. Or kissed. Things havent been good for a long long time. Had counselling years back and made no difference
So now i have said the words clearly. Its over. There is no hope. He is refusing to accept it and is making me frightened. He has a history of just losing it. Shouting crying slamming and breaking doors (while our poor dc there too)
If i start listing all the reasons he will just get madder and madder and i am afraid of what might happen. I have told him this too and he just asks 'frightened of what?' He is a big man so when he loses control of his emotions it is frightening. And i am in no way wanting to sound like a victim. I am not. But i am frightened.
What can i do?

OP posts:

Original poster

inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 02:43

Good point fondant. I must remember that exact sentence. I need to tell him exactly that. Because at the moment it is all about him. He actually said 'we have a lovely house and lovely kids, i just fon't see what the problem is. You only just see negatives about me all the time. Never positives'. I have again reiterated that i do not love him or want to be with him anymore but he just keeps telling me what a good guy he is. So exhausted.

OP posts:

Agerbilatemycardigan · 16/01/2017 03:04

So sorry that you're going through this. I know from personal experience how this feels, and I kept the truth of my horrendous marriage from my family. When they did find out, they were upset that I'd been dealing with things on my own for so long. Tell your parents what is happening, as I'm sure they would want to support you in some way.

Like previous posters have said, don't engage with him tonight, wait until tomorrow and if you need to, ask a friend to be with you when you confront him. If he's a physical threat it might be best to have the police there. You absolutely have to do what's best for yourself and your children. Good luck.

mum2Bomg · 16/01/2017 03:05

Sorry I don't have any relevant experience to add but we are all a bit scared of men...if you're still awake have a read if this. Particularly point 6. Men hurt women all the time, sadly, and it's a good read anyway...

www.esquire.co.uk/culture/advice/a9641/things-men-dont-know-about-women-caitlin-moran/

mum2Bomg · 16/01/2017 03:05

mum2Bomg · 16/01/2017 03:06

In short, no, YANBU to be scared

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 03:30

Agree with Acrossthepond. If I found out my daughter was scared of her husband and couldn't tell me, I'd be quite devastated actually.

OP you say "He isn't abusive. Not in an obvious way." And then you say

" Its his losing it that scares me. He just refuses to accept it is over. I have tried to tell him many many times but he loses it and starts going round doing the door slamming/crying/shouting. He says he just cant believe it etc. Part of his disbelief comes from his belief that he has been an amazing husband and how could i just decide i dont want him. He isn't an amazing husband. He isnt generally a horrible guy but he is intense and controlling and jealous.

I think if you look up an abusive relationship you will find these are all elements of it, or at least some are very much core.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 03:34

inmyshoos "But the controlling is so subtle."

It doesn't matter if it is subtle or if he would deny it.

What sensible man quizes his wife over what she talked to her friend about over coffee.

"Perhaps he is just trying to make conversation because we have nothing to say to each other."

If you have nothing to say to each other you could work on your relationship, not attempt to re-hash a conversation you had with a friend an hour earlier.

"All i know is it makes me feel suffocated and controlled."

That all sounds very horrible. Please speak to Women's Aid.

Totally agree with FondantNancy "What HE wants does not override what YOU want."

Must go to bed now, please do update us. Wishing you he best.

EveOnline2016 · 16/01/2017 04:28

Have you got stuff in to make a nice breakfast, if so go out to get some.

Not that Husband deserves it but it means you can use that time to contact women aid and seek advice.

EZA15 · 16/01/2017 08:23

I hope it goes as well as it can today. Will you come back and update us just so we know you're ok?

Original poster

inmyshoos · 16/01/2017 12:08

Talking at the moment so ok. Lots of tears but he realised how frightened i was and has promised to be civil and calm

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 16/01/2017 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/01/2017 12:15

Op, I really feel for you. Living in constant fear is no way to live. The abuse cycle is periodical so even if he promises to be calm and civil, you can't know how long it will last and to be honest you shouldn't have to live anticipating his moods.

DanceJunkie · 16/01/2017 20:03

Hoping you're ok OP x

AChanceAtSchool · 16/01/2017 20:13

"I dont think they deserve the stress of me turning up on their doorstep. I have to find a way of sorting this out myself."

Tough love time. You aren't thinking straight about this I'm afraid, OP. This is exactly the kind of thing you need support with. Why on earth do you think you need to do it alone? You have children. If you don't accept that you need help and support to make this change, you will be doing you, your children and your parents a disservice.

Start reaching out. And good luck. Well done on making your decision.

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