To not like weddings?

[TheDuchessOfKidderminster]

I can't be the only person who doesn't like weddings. I am constantly amazed at how much stress people put themselves under and how much money some people spend on them. It would be a bit more understandable if the resulting event wasn't so hideously dull half the time.

I'm getting married this year - small, family event. I'm not pinning all my hopes on it being the happiest day of my life or anything, just hoping it will be a fun afternoon for everyone. We're only doing it because it's pretty much a legal necessity, especially now that we have children together.

The last wedding I went to was DP's brother's just over a year ago. BIL ended up going NC with his close family because of the fallout from it. DP and I were partly to blame for that but we had a newborn baby and rather than being pissed because we got stuck in traffic on our way there and then left 'early' (after 9pm) I think he should be grateful we showed our faces at all. (I'm not asking if I'm unreasonable about that, as I'm not explaining the full circumstances.) That whole situation is ridiculous and was almost entirely caused by the stress BIL put himself under trying to organise the 'perfect' day.

I find the whole concept of marriage to be totally outdated and I'm surprised people still take it all so seriously. I find the 'bridezilla' threads on here totally fascinating as the behaviour is just so bizarre and alien to my POV. It just isn't something either my DP or I can get worked up about.

Well considering nobody would invite me to a wedding unless they were a friend or family and I rather like my friends and family I have this strange fondness for any kind of wedding which makes the bride and groom happy.

I couldn't give two shits if it's a white meringue dress and 15 bridesmaids in Bo Peep outfits or 15 minutes in the registry office followed by a pint in the local as long as it's what they want.

Incidentally turning up late to your brother's wedding then sloping off early as well is shithouse rude. If you wanted to leave early doors you should have made a massive effort to get there early.

I love weddings.

They're a celebration of love and togetherness. Two people that love each other and want to commit to each other and demonstrate their love in front of people they care for.

Everyone tends to be happy and feel a bit loved up. You can eat nice food, not have to wash up, drink lots, catch up with friends and family and dress up a bit. There may be a band or a disco and you can fling yourself around the dance floor, a bit pissed. Often you get a night in a nice hotel and someone else makes breakfast.

I don't understand the haters. If you're not interested in weddings and don't want to spend the time, effort and money then don't accept the invitation and don't go.

Oh and a wedding isn't a marriage. How you choose to get married (i.e. the wedding day) is no reflection on the strength or longevity of your relationship.

Sidge

This is Mumsnet of course the size of your wedding is inversely proportional to the length of the marriage. As many seasoned MNers will tell you, it's an exact science, variables being:

Overall Cost : £
Size of Brides Dress: SOD
Length of time spent having photos taken: P
Duration of speeches: SD
Child free weddings: CF

If you run all these variables through the Mumsnet wedding algorithm then you get an uncannily accurate prediction of number of years (in many cases it's mere weeks) the B&G will remain married. It becomes even less time if the B&G ask for gifts.

Yep. If you never want to get divorced get married in a publicly lavatory wearing a rag and a used dish cloth as a veil (this should be a Lidl dishcloth, if it comes from Sainsbury's your an up yourself snob). You shouldn't ask for gifts, in fact, you should pay your guests to attend, or better still have no guests at all. The officiant should be a leper with scrofula.

The officiant should be a leper with scrofula.

I'd love to know what kind of "watertight wills" could work to transfer the inheritance tax-free allowance between non-married people.

I have no idea choccy It was just a suggestion

sickofthis you're right, I've been on MN long enough and I should know better.

I dislike weddings, mostly due to old-fashioned feminist ideas, so I didn't have one. We did get married (for boring legal reasons) in the overseas equivalent of a registry office.

Many people love weddings. Others don't. Chacun a son gout and all that.

I still shudder when I remember attending a party during which I was trapped into a 45-minute conversation about someone's upcoming wedding. Tedious detail about the venue, the registry (I received a rundown of every item they had registered for, including Christmas china, whatever that may be), the dress, etc. I barely knew this person and obviously hadn't been invited to the wedding. Why she thought I would be interested in her wedding plans is beyond me.

When people I have met have had small weddings with just a few guests a part of me has been envious and I have never criticised them for it.

"I dislike weddings, mostly due to old-fashioned feminist ideas"

I don't really understand that argument. I approached my wedding with the idea that OH and I would be equal. I look forward not back. After 35 years of marriage I don't feel that I have been "owned" or patronised in any way. Marriage is what you make of it.

I think it is rather pointless to look back at the historic origins of something that can move with the times.

I am not interested in other people's wedding plans either. If I have been invited all I need to know is where and when. I don't see the point in wedding favours, matchy matchy outfits and decor etc etc. No-one cares or notices. The only things people remember about weddings is food and drink and whether the venue is nice and comfortable (things like being too cold at a winter wedding stick in my memory).

Weddings and many of the trappings surrounding them (proposals, engagement rings, white bridal gowns, "giving away the bride," women changing their names after marriage, etc.) have their origins in traditions and customs that I have no interest in perpetuating. If other people want to carry on these traditions, that is of course entirely up to them. But I was just explaining the main reason I don't care for weddings and didn't want one of my own.

But there is no reason why you can't ignore the origins and move forward with your own traditions. I can't help but think you are overthinking it.

After all same sex marriages don't have a patriarchal history, so why can't you adopt the way a same sex marriage is conducted?

I don't like weddings. I beg off as many of them as I can, and grit my teeth and run off asap for the others. There have been one or two small, low key weddings I've been to which have genuinely been nice, but on the whole I find them a spectacular waste of time.

Mine was registry office and family lunch in a restaurant, and frankly I could have skipped the family part of it.

There's plenty of people like us, just mostly we don't make a big song and dance about it.

I do love a wedding thread on MN, though. It's a bit like watching Jeremy Kyle, you know it's awful but can't help yourself.

Liara - you have just expressed my feelings exactly! (Thank you!)

And OP - YANBU as IMO most (but not) weddings are quite dull.

We got married (a long time ago) for (mainly) practical reasons ie we were working/living abroad where cohabiting would be illegal/problematic. Plus I had to give up my job and we wanted kids.

Being married really DOES make a difference in many ways (eg company pension dependent's entitlement, medical insurance, tax round the world, inheritance rules, medical emergencies etc) and to me it also shows a clear decision has been made to become a family/team.

But there was no need/desire (for us) to have many witnesses or a big party or gifts. We just wanted to get married with the minimum of fuss. (And this is/was entirely possible.)

Wish more ppl would take this approach (unless they are wealthy) and use the money (saved) for their kids futures, or a house deposit, or whatever.

Also wish ppl would make more effort re the marriage than re the wedding. (Whether religious or not.)

Our wedding was non-religious in the extreme and rather dry/contractual eg like buying a house. "Do you want to marry him?". (Yes.) "Do you want to marry her?" (Yes.) "So you are now married". No promises necessary. Just a business deal like a merger. Perfect for us!

I appreciate that some ppl love a big wedding/party, whether as a guest or as the bride/groom. But not everyone does. (Maybe a 50:50 split if we take away the social pressure?!)

OP what were the circumstances that made you late for your BIL's wedding? Or was it a passive aggressive "I don't support this song and dance you're making" act?

My two cents.

Marriage is different to a wedding. A marriage can be made legal in ten minutes with no fuss.

A wedding on the other hand can be the catalyst for a lot of angst, expense and family bust ups. Not to mention the expense of attending a meal, which is all it is really.

So a wedding is in the Lake District and you live in Dorset, for example. And you have three or four or more or less DCs that need minding. And you have a humungous mortgage and bills to be paid and want to prioritise and budget accordingly.

So you get this summons, sorry invite and think WTF will we do here.

Well folks, do what I do if you want, but it works for me. Weddings are for the Bride only, Groom just goes along. Sorry reality here.

So unless it is immediate family I send a gorgeous card with a decent cheque (cancel the cheque immediately lol, another thread), and send a lovely well thought out and genuine message as to why we cannot make it.

Sorry, there is no way I am going to eat a chicken/duck/lamb dinner for the cost of a dress, shoes, overnight stay, cost of getting there and back and having to sit with people I don't know for hours. Sorrrryyyyyy.

Not going to happen ever again for us. Been there.

Still, as long as we give a generous monetary gift (which is so much less than the cost of attending) it's all good. Who will miss us if it is not immediate family, which I do like to attend as we are all ok with each other and have a ball.

It is the non immediate family weddings that are "sorry, cannot attend, hope you will be very happy" kind of replies to the summons, sorry invite.

And I reckon both sides are happy with that!

Do what makes you happy as an invitee. You do not need to feed the Bridezillas.

But each to their own.

That was was way more than two cents worth.

@GloriousGusset

I know. Sorry about that. Good to get that out me brain!

Bitter experience and expensive experience to feed a Bridezilla has taught me this.

LOL

Totally agree. Can't stand weddings and have wriggled out of as many as I possibly could over the years. My ex and I eloped. May have regretted certain things about the marriage, but never regretted how we actually got married - no fuss, no expense, no stress, no guests! Yay!

To each his own, but the thought of all the aggro a wedding involves, the family politics it sometimes stirs up, just leaves me cold.

Donald Trumps wig

I like you.

The circumstances around us being late for BIL's wedding were basically that we set off a bit later than planned due to having to get newborn DD2 and two year old DD1 ready to go to the wedding venue venue on the other side of the country. We had a nightmare 3 hour+ journey with severe congestion on both the motorways we were on (much much worse than I've ever seen it - my phone's satnav actually plotted a route that took us 100 miles or so further on different motorways that would apparently have got us there quicker). We then got lost in the countryside when we exited off the motorway to go via A and B roads instead (my fault as I panicked and completely lost the ability to read a bloody map and couldn't get a signal for the satnav). I also managed to misremember the time of the wedding as being half an hour later than it actually was (I blame sleep deprivation). We weren't the only people who were late btw - DP's cousin (who lives closer and was probably more familiar with the area than us) arrived the same time we did and there were a number of other people who were late too (all due to traffic apparently). Even so we were mortified and it was really obvious that BIL and SIL were pissed off with us (just us, all other latecomers were forgiven) as they barely acknowledged our presence.

I like you too!

I would have liked to elope (to Vegas) but DP wasn't keen on that idea unfortunately.

I like all the people who agree with me