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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling bullied by wretched music teacher ( long sorry)

42 replies

cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:06

dd has been having one to one instrument tuition for about a year with this teacher. i drive for about 3/4 an hour to the 30 minute lesson and home again.To be honest i could do without the hassle, but dd really loves it and this teacher is the only one in our area.I have not really got on with this woman from the start. She has a way of implying that i am not committed to the lessons( i am for dd's sake- it's the drive i hate) ,and never misses an opportunity to spend my money( dd 'needs ' new strings/ that shoulder rest is not what i would have chosen haha/ maybe you could buy her the new cd of such and such) all in front of dd.It makes me feel quite intimidated actually.And a bit cross, as it goes. Now, the teacher IS young(23) and on many occasions i have just inwardly sighed and put her attitude down to youth and bitten my lip.
today she handed me a letter with all the times and dates of lessons up to June. I folded it and took it home. I have just looked at it and ( for the second time ) she has written. "All students will join blahdeblah Music Organisation.This will be invoiced on your next bill." ( more than cheeky)
Last year she told us she could not teach dd if we didn't join this organisation.I was a bit annoyed and phoned the organistion concerned and they said that it was only suggested that we join, not mandatory.I spoke to the teacher about it and she back tracked, but insisted that we had to join this year.
I am fuming now.I absolutely do not want to join(£80 per year) on top of which joining has no foreseeable benefit for dd because of where we live.Dh has also said no way on financial grounds.
I feel bullied.And really sad.I do not want to stop dd having lessons as in truth this woman is a good teacher( just because i don't like her doesn't mean she can't teach )
what am i to do.hate stuff like this.
anybody got any suggestions that won;t involve tears?

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 22/02/2007 23:08

What association is this cremolaDave? Is your dd likely to become really serious about her music?

Twinklemegan · 22/02/2007 23:08

Organisation, sorry.

Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:11

probably not that serious- school orchestra/youth orchestra standard i suppose.
sorry don't want to mention the organisation as it might identify me

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 22/02/2007 23:13

Sorry, I just meant what type of organisation? What does it do?

Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:19

well it organises summer and weekend workshops- none of which dd will be able to attend.it also supposedly offers reduced rate on score books- but actually i am able to find them cheaper elsewhere.
Also the teacher attends regular teachery sessions with them. The firt time she asked us to join, she actually said the money paid for her to attend these,( "My education is not free you know!") which is why I feel a bit suspicious. I told her that educating herself was her business and she needed to charge accordingly, adding that i did not pay for my plumber to go to tech etc.
She has confusingly now added the membership to my bill -I think anyway

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 22/02/2007 23:22

Hmm, I think she's being unreasonable. You're right - her training should be covered by her lesson fees.

maisym · 22/02/2007 23:25

find another local teacher - put an ad online, in the shops & local press. Don't stand for this awful attitude problem she has.

Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:28

yes i think that's right.I mean she is qualified to teach dd but her own self-improvement should be her own investment -not mine surely.
I also really object to being 'forced ' to join anything. And yet what willi say to dd if we have to walk away? She has put mein a terrible position.

OP posts:
maisym · 22/02/2007 23:31

she could keep up playing the instument at home until you find another teacher - there has to be someone closer than the drive you do? You can't be the only parent that feels this way. HAve you told her what you think?

julienetmum · 22/02/2007 23:35

I have never heard of this sort of thing, what organisation is it. My husband joins music organisations, it is his choice to as a teacher and he gets discounts insurance etc, but insisting a pupil does wtf.

Does she think you have a money tree growing in the back garden?

Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:36

well I have said that I do not wish to join the organisation on more than one occasion. I have just opened today's letter which tells me that : all pupils must join and she will be invoicing for it.

Actually reading it again it's outrageous!
It's the equivilent of- " all pupils will join the Conservative Party"

I just am trying to avoid the inevitable scene.Which i do not want in front of dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:37

oh yes a big money tree dripping with gold

OP posts:
MrsDaveCusack · 22/02/2007 23:40

I am racking my brains to think what the organisation can be - anyway, I can't think of an instance where your DD would NEED to join anything and it IS cheeky to try to invoice you making out it's mandatory especially if you really won't get any benefit from it.
Find another teacher - there will be plenty around, possibly closer too. You can look up qualified teachers here or here or via local music shops/libraries/ music centres etc.
and as for "My education is not free you know!" - tell her to go and boil her head. I don't expect pupils/parents to pay for my education on top of the music lesson fees. Very strange

maisym · 22/02/2007 23:41

don't go back - call her and explain why - plus send a registered letter to stop lessons.

Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:44

thanks mrs JC - sadly no-one on either of those lists. We have looked before. This woman is her own little monopoly and doesn't she know it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cremolaDave · 22/02/2007 23:48

like the idea of her 'boiling her head'
PMSL

OP posts:
MrsJohnCusack · 22/02/2007 23:55

she has a MONOPOLY - really? how bloody irritating. There is really noone else?
good god, cheeky mare
anyhow, if she says she cannot teach DD unless she joins, that is purely something she has made up. Do you know any of the other parents who go to her, can you get a few of you to refuse to pay?

Perhaps the organization themselves would not like her using their name in this way and another word with them or a complaint (or threat of one) might help?

I know you said you'd like to avoid tears, but she's making it a bit hard isn't she! Anyhow, she can't MAKE you pay - that would be some kind of extortion surely....

Original poster
cremolaDave · 23/02/2007 00:00

yes i thought i might phone them.However there seems to be a stick togetherishness to them) Dh is whispering " CULT CULT" in the background.Still it's going to be a bit difficult for her to get my signature on the application form
oh i just hate the idea of everthing turning nasty in front of dd.( and that it may result in the end of what were actually productive lessons)

I think I really want to walk away.
I will try and phone her.
OOh I hate this sort of crap

OP posts:
cremolafoam · 23/02/2007 00:10

thanks for really helpful comments everyone. will sleep better tonight.The whole thing was really getting me down.

tomorrow is another day

Loshad · 23/02/2007 13:22

I would go to all the music shops within the same travelling distance and ask them if they know of teachers, hopefully there will be another one unless you are very rural - ring the local uni and ask if they do music degrees, then put an ad on the noticeboard in the department asking if anyone plays x instrument and do they want to trach your dd who is at standard x , ring local independent schools and ask them about their peripatetic teachers and does anyone teach this instrument. Because this teacher really is taking th p... big time, and i'm not surprised you're fed up with it.

Tortington · 23/02/2007 13:34

i would contact ehr and tell her that you can't afford it.

leave it at that - see what she says which will probably be how good it is etc etc
then repeat

i cant afford it

its called the broken record routine.

i would furthermore suggest that maybe she belongs to some professional association of musicians? and to ask them about it.

squidette · 23/02/2007 13:42

If she is stating that she cannot teach pupils unless they are members of this particulat organisation and she is aware of your views, then it is she who is choosing not to continue to teach your daughter.

Perhaps you could explain to your daughter that you do not like being told that you HAVE to do things that just because someone else says you should and that you have thought long and hard about this but understand the teachers decision not to continue to give her lessons.

IMO it would be a great chance for your daughter to learn about principles too. Sorry to hear of this woman's attitude though.

frogs · 23/02/2007 13:45

You need a new music teacher.

Ds's music teacher is in her early twenties, and is completely delightful. Shecomes to our house (okay, I pay her extra for this, but it's well worth it), sometimes lugging a bulky cello with her. I pay her cash, so none of this bill nonsense. She has just acquired a stack of Grade 1 books for ds and refused to take payment for them on the basis that she gets a discount from the music shop, so it's not such a big deal. She's organised little concerts for her pupils in church halls and brought biscuits, snacks and little rewards for the children.

Dd1's music teacher has done similar things, though we've bought the books herself and she only taught from her home.

A 23-year old shouldn't be intimidating you she can't be the only jobbing violin teacher out there. IME there are loads of music students or new graduates out there trying to supplement their incomes with a bit of teaching see if you can't rustle up some alternatives.

Caligula · 23/02/2007 13:47

Is there not another teacher in your area? I know you said not, but could you not go through yellow pages and phone every music shop in the area to see if they know anyone?

aDad · 23/02/2007 13:48

As people have said, you must stop. This woman sounds awful. She has no right to make you feel bad. I'd be fuming at her attitude and tell her so as well.

You WILL find someone who can teach who lives as close if not closer, wherever you live in the country. Surely?!