AIBU to not pay to repair the au pair's phone?

[Scorpiostar]

Our au pair has a super swanky iPhone 6 Plus. Last night while she was babysitting, she sent me a text saying that the screen was broken. Her story last night was that DS pushed her and caused her to drop it so we are responsible for paying to repair / replace it. This morning, she said DS was blocking her way and she dropped it trying to get past. This morning I asked the DCs individually (before they had time to speak to each other) to tell me what happened to the phone. Their stories were identical: her phone was in her pocket and it fell out as she was going downstairs. This sounds entirely plausible. He phone is huge, her pocket is small. Two thirds of the phone sticks out of the top of the pocket of her jeans. I asked DD where DS was when it happened and she said he was upstairs. Given that she would normally take any opportunity to get DS into trouble, her story seems believable. DS is an anxious child and I would have expected him to look worried and guilty this morning if he had done something wrong. He didn't. Now I'm left with a dilemma. Who do I believe? I don't want to be the kind of parent who is blind to their DC's faults but I can't see much evidence that they are not telling the truth. The story about DS pushing her sounds implausible because it would be totally out of character. On the other hand, if I take the DC's word over the au pair's and she's telling the truth, the trust is broken.

I wouldn't pay for the phone and would be having a serious conversation about honesty but you could compromise and offer to lone her the cost of the repair to be deducted from her wages in monthly instalments. That might help keep the peace

If children are telling the truth I don't think it's your responsibility but has she proved trustworthy and honest in the past? If so, I would say it's more likely children are telling porkies. I know from experience that children often "see" things in a totally different way - particularly if it gives them a chance to get the au pair into trouble.
Go with your instinct - if you think she's telling the truth then pay at the Apple shop. Usually about £130 I think although that might have gone up now.
If you don't believe the au pair then don't pay - but unless you can get rid of her TODAY, you need to bear in mind that you leave your children with her and you leave her in your house when you are out :(

Rereading the OP I think I would be very concerned about the lying. It's bad news, def. How long has she been with you? I would be tempted to say: I understand your phone broke as you were comjng down the stairs? Ask your parents if they took out insurance for you. Def dont pay to fix it.

Did you offer her a phone when she arrived? If so just say you cant subsidise such an expensive phone.

Whether I replaced her would depend on some other circumstances-probably. But the lying is bad.

We have five smart phones in our house. Two have covers to protect them properly and aren't kept in pockets. The other three have less robust covers, consequently look "better", but have had cracked screens, been lost and fallen in the loo. Can you guess which two phones belong to me and DH? The three teenagers are now a bit more responsible for their phones, have paid for repairs (or had to put sims in old phones whilst riding out the contract) and understand the importance of looking after an expensive piece of equipment that is so integral to their lives.

Unrealistic to expect it to happen I know, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary for the au pair to have her expensive phone about her person at all times whilst in the house, and I'm sure the OP hasn't expected this either. It's just the way youngster use/carry their phones, not the safest way to look after them and she should therefore take responsiblity for her actions. Regardless of whether your DS was blocking her way or not.

I would say here is the $86 dollars it takes to replace at the local Asian shop but as the stories are not lining up and I can't fire my children for lying I think it best you find a new family

My initial reaction was "No way! She's lying! Don't pay and sack her too" - but on reflection I can see how this could happen without anyone having been maliciously dishonest.

DS and Au Pair are having a minor barney - it happens. She tries to get past him, he blocks her way (accidentally or deliberately), the phone drops and breaks. She immediately turns on him and says "It's your fault! You pushed me and made me drop my phone" - this is understandable, she's young and probably panicking about the cost of a repair. His immediate reaction will be to deny it. My 7yo does this all the time (as occasionally does my 10yo) "But it wasn't anything to do with me. It just fell on the floor!" If DD hears this, that will become her default position too. When talking to you, AP originally uses the words she used in anger/panic, i.e. "DS pushed me" but then realises that's misleading, so she later corrects the story and explains that she was pushing past when they clashed. (Obviously, that only holds if the third story wasn't completely different again!) When you ask them, DD and DS repeat the "it just fell" argument as they think they'll be in trouble if they admit any involvement.

So I wouldn't get too hung up on the he lied/she lied part. It was an accident.

The question is whether or not you're responsible in any way for the cost. I think not. She was in charge of the DCs when this happened. It was her choice to have her expensive phone with her, and to carry it in an insecure way.

If I wanted to avoid bad feeling, and was keen to keep her, I might offer to go halves, but would make it very clear that this was a goodwill gesture, and a one-off.

On the contrary it's of fundamental importance whether the au pair lied.

I wouldn't trust anyone with my children who was dishonest.

What if one of the children are injured in her care and she lies about it to avoid getting into trouble? Tells 3 different versions...

That's a far more important issue than who pays for the phone (OP certainly does not).

I might pay for a new case , if she's generally worth keeping on.

I'm sorry but if it was me I would wonder why she was on the phone when she was meant to be looking after your children. Or she's lied. Or what else is she going to ask you to pay for? I'm sorry the trust is already broken - I'd starting looking for a new aupair. If you think she has lied are you always going to wonder if she did or not? What else will she lie about? Can you afford to risk her lying about something important when she's with your child? Sorry but you mind as well avoid future issues by replacing her.

ManonLescaut "On the contrary it's of fundamental importance whether the au pair lied."

Well, yes, but was a lie or was the second story actually intended as a clarification? We all say things that aren't strictly true in the heat of the moment, particularly if we feel guilty. From the OP, we have no way of knowing for sure that she lied deliberately and with malicious intent, rather than accidentally saying something misleading.

If the OP is sure she lied, then yes, look for another au pair. I certainly wouldn't be happy to trust someone who I knew had lied at the expense of my DCs. If not sure, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt (although I'd be more alert in future to any similar situations).

If you can't afford the insurance on an expensive phone, then you can't afford the phone imho.

That said, the fact her story keeps changing makes me think she is lying.

Equally, in the scenarios she's described it sounds to me she was responsible - pushing past your children doesn't actually make it the kids fault. Why not wait to pass?

If your kids had taken her phone from her and dropped it, then tbh I would say you should pay for a repair (though not having insurance is barmy) but that's simply not the case here.

3 different stories from her? The trust would be broken for me.

'Kind of admire her' ... what for?

She is lying it would seem, trying to get you to pay for something that isn't your responsibility, and also potentially causing anxiety for your child. Mmm. Would I want her in my house, left in charge of my children? What next I wonder - your child has swallowed her diamond ring? Your child has dented her car with a bike?

If you know your children wouldn't lie to keep out of trouble then you need to give your audience pair a verbal warning or a suggestion that things are maybe not working out. That's downright deceitful!

We all say things that aren't strictly true in the heat of the moment, particularly if we feel guilty

Speak for yourself. You would lie to your employer? And blame an anxious child? I wouldn't employ anyone who behaved like that.

It bothers me when I hear au pairs being called employees or similar. They're not - au pair means on par. They're supposed to be part of the family and with that comes all the crap that any young adult brings.

I wouldn't be at all impressed with the shifting stories, and completely agree that a serious sit-down is called for, possibly with an eye to ending her stay.

But that doesn't mean she should be treated like an employee unless she's being paid like one which an au pair never is.

Ask if her parents took out au pair travel insurance. It costs about a €1 a month and covers damages like this. It would be odd if they hadn't, she may simply not realise that she's insured

DS was blocking her way and she dropped it trying to get past

This would make me ask questions - why would she be barging past so physically that her phone is knocked out with enough force to break the screen. It doesn't seem a particularly caring way of resolving whatever was going on at the time by the only adult in the situation. Someone charged with looking after children on a regular basis shouldn't be reacting like this.

Is the au pair, like most au pairs, a late teen here with the objective of learning English? If so how fluent and consistent is her English in a stressful moment?

I don't know the third version but the first two could easily be consistent for someone speaking in non native language - different ways of expressing the same scenario if it happened in a rush.

At that age even the best kids can agree stories if they think they are in big trouble (unless you know they had no opportunity last night either). I've no idea what happened any more than anyone else here but I'd not automatically assume she was malign or even wrong because her wording was not consistent and my 'vocal' DCs had matching stories. I'm not sure why everyone would automatically believe the DCs over the 'normally trustworthy' au pair.

To be honest you don't seem to overly like the au pair so maybe its best all round if you go your separate ways.

For PP who thought it takes quite a force to crack a screen when it drops - its more about the angle at which it lands. I discovered this when I took my phone out in the street and someone running past just knocked it out of my hand - it fell on its corner and cracked so badly it looked like it had been stamped on.

Did she say where this happened?

I ask because both your DCs say it was on the stairs, so if she agrees about that location, I'd be very wary of her judgement in pushing past a child on stairs, regardless of anything with the phone, and would tend to get rid of her. If she says it was somewhere different, there will be no overlap in her story with the kids, which is pretty odd (seems unlikely that the 2 kids would work together really carefully to agree a wholly made up story, which they both state perfectly, very unlikely...)

I think there's a risk with very young adults looking after kids that they won't always have the best judgement - I remember a babysitter who gave me a hot water bottle filled only with boiling water from the kettle; I asked her to put some cold water in, but she just laughed as if it was a daft idea. She could barely touch it to hand it over - I was 5! I'm sure she meant no harm - she was just a bit dim.

Get rid of her

"Au pair" means "as an equal". She's not an employee, and your children love her. So treat her as an older daughter who is being uncharacteristically dishonest; say bollocks to your story, fix your own phone, and we'll still love you.

And yes, I have had au pairs.

I agree with Ethylred. Plus, even if she had to push by DC that does not mean he was responsible for the damage. Could easily have happened on the street with no one to blame but the au pair for not having the phone in a safe place. Tell her in future she needs to keep better care of her phone.

I've had the screen replaced recently on my 6S and its £120 at the Apple store. you have to go there or an Apple approved shop or your warranty is invalidated. So to the person above who said its £50 - that's rubbish.