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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not pay to repair the au pair's phone?

106 replies

Scorpiostar · 13/01/2017 14:54

Our au pair has a super swanky iPhone 6 Plus. Last night while she was babysitting, she sent me a text saying that the screen was broken. Her story last night was that DS pushed her and caused her to drop it so we are responsible for paying to repair / replace it. This morning, she said DS was blocking her way and she dropped it trying to get past. This morning I asked the DCs individually (before they had time to speak to each other) to tell me what happened to the phone. Their stories were identical: her phone was in her pocket and it fell out as she was going downstairs. This sounds entirely plausible. He phone is huge, her pocket is small. Two thirds of the phone sticks out of the top of the pocket of her jeans. I asked DD where DS was when it happened and she said he was upstairs. Given that she would normally take any opportunity to get DS into trouble, her story seems believable. DS is an anxious child and I would have expected him to look worried and guilty this morning if he had done something wrong. He didn't. Now I'm left with a dilemma. Who do I believe? I don't want to be the kind of parent who is blind to their DC's faults but I can't see much evidence that they are not telling the truth. The story about DS pushing her sounds implausible because it would be totally out of character. On the other hand, if I take the DC's word over the au pair's and she's telling the truth, the trust is broken.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/01/2017 16:51

Wouldn't pay a bean for her phone.

ErnesttheBavarian · 13/01/2017 16:54

what's the new version of her story then?

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/01/2017 16:56

I'd be looking for a new au pair. She is obviously very loose with the truth. What else might or has she already lied about? She'd rather pull a fast one and get her needs met at the expense of the children supposed to be under her care.

Her phone, her responsibility. If she is fool enough not to take out insurance then that's her own stupidity. An expensive lesson.

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/01/2017 17:05

To have fixed by Apple...

iPhone screen replacement costs £146.44. More if there is damage to the phone? £25 if insurance was taken out!

ChocolateWombat · 13/01/2017 17:24

And how exactly did she phrase the 'you are responsible for mending/replacing it' comment? Sounds very rude if it was put like that.

I know that au pair relationships are pretty informal as au pairs are living in your house and are not formal employees, but you still expect a bit of respect and for something like this to be addressed carefully .......it sounds like she spoke like a stroppy teenager - which I guess she might be as au pairs are often pretty young.

Q is, do you have concerns about her as an au pair? Her ability to look after the kids, to behave in an honest and trustworthy way?

Sometimes au pair relationships break down. When that happens the host sometimes uses or finds a specific incident to use as an excuse to end the contract. Au pairs are on MN all the time about this kind of thing, as are Mums with grievances, which when pressed, reveal the incident is just the tip of the iceberg.

You need to think about your au pair broadly - yes,nothing about this one off incident, but the bigger picture too. If otherwise she has been good and honest (comments about her getting your DS into trouble are worrying and odd TBH - what have you done in the past in response to these?) then it maybe possible to move forward from this one off incident. If there are other issue, maybe not.

Regardless, handle this correctly. Don't get angry. Sit her down and talk in a non confrontational way about what happened. Listen to her and try to be the mature adult in this. If you need to speak with your DC again before doing so, do so. Be aware that what they say might not be exactly what happen ended either. Think about what you want the conversation to achieve.
And if there are wider issues, be prepared to talk calmly and honestly about those too.
If you haven't previously raised any concerns, to suddenly voice loads and sack her sounds unreasonable - unless there is gros misconduct you wouldn't get away with that as any other employer......so if you need to establish clearer ground rules about her work or behaviour then do so. If you have already had a number of conversations about this kind of stuff which have failed to have an effect and this is the final straw, then be clear, factual and honest and check up on any obligations about notice, pay etc. Do the right thing.

Au pairs can do daft things (they are young adults) and an employer need some of have realistic expectations of them and be willing to help and coax them a little, as you might your own young adult child. Some can do dangerous or awful things. The distinction between these 2 different types of actions needs to be drawn by the employer who needs to be the responsible adult in the situation and make sure they do the right thing and don't over react or fail to communicate over the little things, allowing resentment to fester and build which has not been voiced.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 13/01/2017 17:27

Of I dropped my phone whilst doing something at work, would it be unreasonable of me to expect work to pay? Yes.

Just because she is an au pair doesnt change this.

Her things, she should look after them. Or have insurance. Or bot use then at work.

Gooseberryfools · 13/01/2017 17:29

Do your kids tend to be honest?

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/01/2017 17:42

For people saying the aupair should get insurance, do you realise that aupairs get paid well below the min wage? I doubt she can afford it. That doesn't excuse lying though.

dowhatnow · 13/01/2017 17:42

If she was in a workplace and someone was blocking her way and she squeezed past, could she claim off her employer? No she couldn't, so you are not responsible.
Also discuss the changing versions and the kids version.

BellyBean · 13/01/2017 17:45

Unless your child deliberately picked up her phone and it broke whether an accident or deliberate, I'd say it's her lookout.

She could have a cheap robust phone but chose an expensive one.

Accidents happen and it's not your responsibility to pay for them, in the same way you would presumably not expect her to pay if she broke something you own unless deliberately mishandling.

EweAreHere · 13/01/2017 17:45

Her story has changed again?

Definitely not. Her problem.

She hasn't been honest.

Scarydinosaurs · 13/01/2017 17:46

harsh that doesn't quite tally with having an expensive phone then, does it?

Potnoodlewilld0 · 13/01/2017 17:49

She is actually lying about your kids.

Get a new au pair

Genevieva · 13/01/2017 17:53

She shouldn't have been using her phone when looking after a young child. Even if what she said was true, you are not liable for the cost of damage to a phone that she dropped herself and nor is your son. I would sack her forthwith.

kimann · 13/01/2017 18:03

Has her 6plus got a screen protector? If so - tell her glass protectors are available for £1 on eBay - toughened glass too so very hard to crack. If her plus didn't have a protector - not your problem at all. Her job is looking after young children - surely she should understand that accidents happen. I as a mum of 2, with a 6plus which sticks out of my pocket as well as it's stupidly huge and yes - the glass protector has protected it numerous times after being thrown down 2 flights of stairs by my charming toddler. Don't replace it OP!

donquixotedelamancha · 13/01/2017 19:09

From a legal point of view it doesn't matter how the phone was broken: the children were under the au pair's supervision, therefore she is responsible. If your children had broken something of yours through negligent supervision (as opposed to a reasonable accident), then she'd be responsible, not you.

Like others, I'd also be a little concerned about her conduct. Wombat gives good advice above. Remember that she's still pretty young and many people stretch the truth a bit in their youth.

StringyPotatoes · 13/01/2017 19:44

I'm a nanny and have my phone on me all the time as I use it to take photos of the children and so I'm contactable. MumBoss knows this and is perfectly happy with this.

A few years ago I dropped my phone onto the seat the 1yr old was sat on. Before I could react he picked it up and bashed it with the wooden block he had in his other hand, badly scratching the screen. It was a mid-range phone so expensive but not super-fancy. I shrugged thinking "accidents happen" and vowed to both take better care of it and put a screen protector on any new phone.

A few months later my boss noticed the scratch and casually asked how it happened. I told her the little one had bashed it and she was horrified I hadn't mentioned it and offered to pay for a repair. It had honestly not occurred to me to ask her and I firmly declined her offer.
If you're looking after children any damage to property is an occupational hazard and you should take precautions accordingly.

You would absolutely not be unreasonable to refuse paying (especially as it appears she's having you on) but as a goodwill gesture you may want to offer to go halves as PPs have suggested.

ManonLescaut · 14/01/2017 16:36

The changes to her story indicate lies, quite apart from your children's accounts.

It's totally unacceptable to lie and blame an anxious child. And if she can do this over something that's relatively minor, what would she do if it was major - if one of your children were hurt? What if she lied to doctors to keep herself out of trouble?

She is not responsible or honest enough to be in charge of children.

I've never been an au pair but I babysat as a teenager - the idea of blaming children for breaking my own possession would never have entered my head.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/01/2017 16:51

Au pairs are pretty easy to replace quickly too....

Megatherium · 14/01/2017 17:24

In a sense it doesn't really matter if she was lying or not. If you choose to have an expensive piece of equipment not essential to work in your pockets when you're meant to be working, it's totally up to you to keep it safe. If you don't bother to put it in a cover or a pocket that it won't fall out of, that's totally your problem. If I had my phone half in my pocket at work and someone brushed past me causing it to fall out, I would regard that as totally my fault for not looking after it properly.

paxillin · 14/01/2017 17:25

Even if your DS had pushed past her (and this seems an invented story anyway) it would not be his fault. Something too fragile around children shouldn't be there when she's working with children. Get her a £10 Tesco phone with a pre-paid card for contact. Swanky iPhones are not your responsibility.

Serialweightwatcher · 14/01/2017 17:26

I'd ask her why she's holding on to her phone constantly when being paid to watch your children - unless a child purposely took it from a shelf etc where it is out of reach and smashed it down on the floor out of malice then it's her problem and her responsibility I would think

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/01/2017 17:33

If she can lie so easily about her phone what else might she lie about in future? What is one of your child is injured and she has 3 different versions to your child's version?

I would definitely say its your own problem and have a serious think about whether to continue to hire her.

RentANDBills · 14/01/2017 17:36

I'm a Nanny and if I broke my phone whilst at work its completely my responsibility. If the baby grabbed it and smashed it, or knocked it down then that's my own fault for leaving it in reach around a child.
The only exception would be if the child had deliberately smashed it.

StripeyMonkey1 · 14/01/2017 17:37

I wouldn't want someone who lies so easily in a position of influence over my children. Time for a new au pair.