Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lone parent considered cohabiting/in a partnership

60 replies

BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 12:38

I have just been told by a compliance officer that I am not allowed to have my boyfriend stay over at my house - ever - as if I do I will no longer be considered a line parent.

I challenged this asking how on Earth one is supposed to have a relationship and progress that relationship to becoming a partnership if that is the case - how are a couple supposed to know if they're right for each other? How is one supposed to know if their boyfriend is 'safe' without spending time overnight with them as the relationship progresses?

This cannot possibly be true, can it?

OP posts:
Araminta99 · 13/01/2017 17:22

Unfortunately there are loads of people who do take advantage of the system by having their boyfriend stay over every night but still get all of the benefits for being a single parent. I know quite a few people who have done this, and it makes it difficult for everyone else.

I don't understand your post though; why would you need to spend the night with someone to get to know them. As pp said it sounds like your priorities are all wrong. I never lived with my husband or spent the night before we got married but we spent time together every day and knew each other really well.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 20:12

It's what I was told and personally from my perspective a prospective 'keeper' relationship cannot be judged well unless the relationship includes becoming a part of the family at least on a part time basis: my ex partner and I dated for a year before we moved in together - if I hadn't been able to see what day-to-day was like I wouldn't have even considered it. As it turns out even that was not enough - he became abusive shortly after our child was born.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 13/01/2017 20:15

BantyCustards I couldnt agree more. Its too easy for abusive men to hide what they are while the relationship is part time.

DJBaggySmalls · 13/01/2017 20:17

GreatFuckability
It used to be that you could have someone stay for up to 3 nights a week, as long as you didnt share finances

this is a total urban myth, its never been the 'rule' at all.

That was directly from DSS staff on a visit to check if I really was lone parent. I'd been reported for having overnight visitors.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 20:27

I'm starting to wonder if (with respect to civil servants within the DWP) if none of them know what the other is advising?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 13/01/2017 20:41

The rules used to be laid out in a book called The Yellow book, and you used to have the right to see a copy. Benefits advisors used to have their own copy for reference.
When they stopped that (basically because people kept quoting it back at the staff) it became chaos. It became harder for DSS staff to know the rules as there are too many to memorise.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 20:49

So, in other words, they made is very much a grey area creating a double edged sword...

OP posts:
wtffgs · 13/01/2017 21:14

Jesus wept!

We've got the no-sex-before-marriage brigade and the DWP on our backs.

Fortunately, I have only been asked out by frogs and have chosen to be a mad cat lady remain single as a consequence.

It seems very anti-women, since it would affect a disproportionately large amount of women. Still, we are a bunch of feckless old scroungers, eh?!

Original poster
BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 21:23

Wtffgs - I'mchoising to ignore the holier-than-thou brigade since (when closely reading a PPs links that they themselves - should they have been lone parents- could have been considered as co-habiting without any of that sordid-slutty-brazen-sex)

OP posts:
BravoPanda · 13/01/2017 21:34

What kind of person doesn't spend the night with their partner/sleep with them before marriage? Hmm I didn't realise we were living in 1952...

BravoPanda · 13/01/2017 21:36

I mean what if they snore, have a really tiny willy or are duvet hogs with restless leg syndrome? Instant grounds for annulment imo. I'm not even kidding.

jay55 · 13/01/2017 23:53

Do they hound single men in the same way?

dustarr73 · 14/01/2017 00:09

I think people taking the piss and not being single parents,but claiming they are brought this hardline approach in.

I remember my friend being called in for an interview and being told to bring a copy of from the school who could collect the kids.And its the people abusing the system,thats why it has to come to this.

purplehead · 14/01/2017 00:50

I don't think it's true about partners never being allowed to stay over at all - they take a lot of different things into account and it's not based just on number of nights.

But, I was a single mum before I married DH - he never spent a single night at my home. We would spend the night together, but only at his place (when DD was at her dad's or having a sleepover). That was entirely within the rules, I was reported to compliance due to some nosy neighbours at one stage but we sent information like bank statements, bills etc to show we had entirely separate finances and households and the case was closed . We didn't live together until we got married (5 years after getting together). This happened four years ago, it would be terrible if the rules have changed - but my sister works for the DWP and she says she doesn't know of any change in the rules. I would get advice and clarification from CAB or another welfare rights organisation.

Casschops · 14/01/2017 00:54

Keep things simple if you feel bad then don't have him stay very til you are ready to co-habit or don't mention if he does stay over they are not going to know and unless he is financially contributing to the household you have done nothing wrong and not committed as my sortof can crime.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/01/2017 01:00

Fucking ridiculous

Who the hell doesnt spend the night together before deciding to be life partners?

So single mums arent allowed a sex life?

Im certain that would be easily overturned on under human rights legislation

AndNowItsSeven · 14/01/2017 01:25

Many many people don't.
It's very sad if that's your basis for a life partner.

HerrenaHarridan · 14/01/2017 01:26

Utter bollocks.

You just got a particularly judgey one im afraid.

There is no official hard line rule to follow, there is a series of indicators either way.

It is not solely about nights spent in your house

Birdsgottafly · 14/01/2017 01:50

-"" I asked hypothetically because the compliance officer seemed to think that whether or not myself and my ex were even on friendly terms or not would have a hearing on my claim.""

If you and your ex had previously lived together, then the judgement would be different, if he stayed over (unless there was a medical/child minding/contact need).

As for a new boyfriend, he can stay over, but if your finances start to be entwined and the planning of your household set up, then you can be considered as cohabiting.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 14/01/2017 09:04

There are a quite a few MNers who are misogynistic, judgy and pious towards single mothers, unfortunately. Many are not but many are. YANBU though, OP and ignore the patronising bollocks.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 14/01/2017 15:21

I skipped right past them, candy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BantyCustards · 14/01/2017 15:26

But to those of you who do judge me:

Which would you prefer:

I stay in a relationship where my children regularly witnessed my partner calling me a slags, telling my eldest to 'fuck of his benefits mother and be a benefits kid', and risk an escalation of the violence I e Peru ended that could have ended up ingoidbess knows what and my children ending up in care because I didn't take action?

Or would you prefer me to protect my children, leave, move on whilst recognising that I am a human being who would like a stable relationship whilst recognising that some people are extremely good at hiding who they are until they have you exactly where they want you?

OP posts:
seasidesally · 14/01/2017 15:45

omg i cant believe the comment about not sleep together or living together
before as it is no basis for a relationship

*it is every basis for a relationship8

op i often find people with these views (thankfully not people i know) think you stay in a relationship even if it's not working,your miserable etc

they probably believe in arranged marraige and women taking the brunt of the housework and childcare

ignore ignore

hungryhippo90 · 14/01/2017 15:51

Ah, the examinations! Seems quite normal for lone parents to go through them now.
I recently put in a claim for WTC and CTC, they've asked for business records, bank statements, the lot, then proof of my relationship break down, and proof of my disability.
I've spent the past five weeks printing off reams and reams of stuff.

They have made it impossible for the innocent and in need, to protect the system from people who fraudulently claim. Not fair, but understandable.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 14/01/2017 15:54

When one compares the level of benefit fraud compared to the level of tax fraud I find it to be completely mind-boggling (and that doesn't include the levels of tax evasion allowed by tax loops that are gained via the UK - the UK is known as a tax haven worldwide when it comes to the very rich.

But no, I'm not even allowed to have a prospective partner stay overnight at all or for me to stay over at his house...

OP posts: