To be angry at DH and find this very unfair?

[proclaimingthesame]

DH and I own a successful business together. We recently decided to sell it for quite a lot of money (this will be a turning point in our life, financially) and an old contact of mine has come forward with a buyer.

The buyer is a bit of a misogynist and over the last week, while agreeing the terms of the sale, he has been taking DH out drinking to "chat shop" and DH has been coming back in the early hours about five nights since last week.

DH is agreeing he is a misogynist and stressing that he and I need to "work together" and just get the sale finished and then we can celebrate. My part, I presume is sitting in the house with the DCs waiting to hear when DH will be coming back and waiting to hear what's going on. I understand this and have understood it for the last five nights.

But tonight it has happened again. The buyer is bringing all of his partners. DH is rushing around trying to get ready to meet them. I suggested we get a babysitter and I come along. He said "what? Four men and you? That'll be weird and won't help me to close."

Of course I lost it, even though I don't think DH meant it like that. We have had a furious wats app conversation while he is in the meeting and he is telling me to please just shut up so he can close this deal.

AIBU and what should I do? Do I have to put my personal feelings of exclusion aside?

It's maybe a week or two of having to put up with DH being out and drinking with this idiot and then you will be financially stable long term. I think unless your DH regularly behaves like this or treats you as less than equal then it really doesn't matter as long as you are happy with the outcome. He would probably spend the whole time making sexist comments and jokes anyway if you were there which would make you feel even more annoyed.

I doubt very much indeed whether your husband is negotiating a good deal.

It sounds like a disaster.

Has there been a formal valuation of the business etc so that you know what deal you are after? Please say that your DH is not going to tip up at any point and say "They" tell me its only worth £1m but they'll give me £1.5m (when the reality is its worth £3m).

As part of a sale of a business you will also have to give various warranties to the buyers and you will definitely need legal advice on what (if any) warranties to give. However the solicitor would not necessarily advise on the value of the business but an accountant should. Have they carried out any formal due diligence or is it all just over a pint at the strip club?

Honestly, OP has a big financial stake here too. Equal to that of her DH. It is her future here just as much as his.

I can't believe that people are telling her to just shut up and let DH get on with concluding a deal without including her as an equal in the negotiations. Especially not over half a dozen consecutive days of piss-ups.

No mysoginist under the sun would keep me from being involved in negotiating the terms of my future financial security no matter how hard he (or she) tried. I can't believe anyone is seriously suggesting OP should stay out of it.

This smacks of someone trying to use alcohol to butter up the DH and knock the price down. Perhaps they know OP won't like that, and hence the exclusion. That is the concern here. Or it would be my concern anyway.

I'd ask him how he'd feel if the buyer only wanted to deal with you, for whatever reason. Would he genuinely be OK with being in your position and being told quite forcefully to keep out of it?

I'd give him a certain amount of leeway for being stressed and feeling under pressure, but that can only excuse so much.

Explain you will also be closing the business on your marriage and taking way more than half the proceeds of the sale if he doesn't start treating you with some respect !!!

I have very mixed views. It's bloody annoying but if it is the route to the best financial outcome then I would say suck it up. Also I have been part of several tricky negotiations with a "missing man" i.e. We deliberately leave someone critical out of attendance so we can't be forced to agree to anything without consulting the missing man.

HOWEVER, is it the route to the best outcome or is your DH negotiating in isolation and without the opportunity to sit back and consider the implications. That is horribly dangerous as the smartest businessmen can get deal happy when something looks close.

Also, and more importantly, does this deal have an earn out period or a commitment period where you are going to have to work in the business for the buyers. If it does, I would suggest that the buyers may not understand your role in the business and may seek to sideline you post deal. If that is the case, post deal value could drop and you may find yourself in a bit of a financial cock up.

Why do all the negotiations have to take place in the evening with alcohol? I think the buyer has decided your DH is susceptible to a few drinks and he'll get a better deal that way.

I've done this at work - being a youngish woman in a generally male industry, most of the time it's absolutely fine, but now and then I get the distinct impression the other side would prefer to deal with a nice sensible man. I suck it up if it means getting the deal across the line as quickly and with the best outcome for us. Easier as it's not my husband (I couldn't work with my DP it'd drive me mad). Suck it up, get the business sold and bollock him later.

Is the purchaser from east Asia OP?

you have the ultimate veto, so let them waste their own time and wine and dine your dh

pick through any decision with a fine tooth comb and agree or not as seems suitable to you and dh

ever heard of Good Cop Bad Cop routine?? Your dh is probably sucking his breath in saying "she'll never go for that shite...come back with a better offer and I'll think about showing her!"

I would be uneasy simply because it doesn't sound as if OP's DH is coming back and being fully transparent with her. They are equal partners and therefore a team. I absolutely get the concept of playing to strengths when negotiating - and at times that means that you have to accept that there are some horrible and sexist people out there who would rather deal with the male partner, because possession of a vagina means that you are somehow 'lesser'.

However negotiating as a team means that you share what's going on. So it's all very well and good that OP's H is being taken off to talk shop, but he should be coming back and relating exactly what happened, who said what and providing full disclosure - so that they can both mull it over, strategise and agree how to play it next.

If OP's H is not sharing this level of detail, then I would wonder if he is either being played because the other side are getting him pissed and using that as an opportunity to take advantage - either by trying to agree stuff when he is pissed, or by building a relationship to lull her H into a false sense of security - e.g. We're good guys, you've been out with us, you know we wouldn't screw you over blah blah.

OP, if your H is not willing to share fine detail with you then you need to get your own lawyer - one that specialises in this area - and get them to go over every bit of paper with a bloody fine toothcomb. This is as much your financial security as his.

Do you feel by being more involved, your contribution would secure a better deal? If so then you should put an immediate halt to all negotiations until you can be present.

If you feel DH is negotiating well and getting you both the best deal and that he is capable of closing the deal soon then i think you should trust him to do that.

I think the lines between DH and business partner are being blurred and you are reacting emotionally instead of professionally. Get the deal closed first.

Then...tackle any problems you have with DH

If you were a man, would your husband be saying the same thing then?

OP, if your H is not willing to share fine detail with you then you need to get your own lawyer - one that specialises in this area - and get them to go over every bit of paper with a bloody fine toothcomb

You should be doing this regardless, and to repeat what Allthebest said upthread, have you had the business professionally valued?

I'm an accountant and I can't tell you how many deals I have seen that result in at least one party being unhappy because the professional fees involved were seen as a waste of money, so proper due diligence wasn't completed.

I agree with the above two posters - if the DH isn't sharing exactly what is happening in the meetings, that's much more of a problem than attending the meetings alone. DP and I deal with lots of builders and with some of them the best way to get a deal is for me to butt out and be reported as being unhappy, concerned about xyz, and DP to charm and negotiate in person.

Basically is this twit the only potential buyer? The only way from this point would be to find another buyer, or put up with this one.
And ensure you have your own lawyer.

Well me and dh do the opposite, and I don't think it's a problem if you're going to get a better price if you're not there.
I do a good line in playing the weak, feeble not-a-clue female and walking out with a bargain in areas that I know better than dh, but you wouldn't expect.
Dh hangs back or goes outside if I give him a sign that I see I can do better on my own. Works particularly well with young male car sales men.
It's called playing the system.

If this was making a significant difference to the offer i.e. millions of pounds, I'd let it go. Although as a businesswoman I've never had to drink for 5 nights to close a deal. It's not how it works in my line of work.

Yy you need your own lawyer and individual evaluation.

Sounds a bit duff to me (an accountant, but not one who works with acquisitions).

One meal out - especially if someone has travelled a fair way to meet, sounds normal.

Night after night on the piss - that's all a bit 1970's if you ask me.

Anyone remember the fiasco of 'Phoenix 4' selling Rover to the Chinese - they got a crap deal because all the UK 4 were half cut in the negotiations.

What billysykesdog said. 100% right.

How does this work anyway?
So you have laid out what you want for the business. Buyer says well actually I want x,y and z. Op Dh either agrees and fucks over the op, of he says oh I have to go and chat with op first?
And how comes the other business partners can be involved but the op cannot?
Of course she shouldn't shut up and deal with it. That's implying she has no say, when in reality she also has to agree to the sale.

Op when he deems you are worthy enough
Of seeing the papers, don't let him rush you. Read everything very carefully and get your own legal independent advice.

Were the business accountant and solicitor down at the pub with DH to ensure legalities and figures were all correct for this wonderful deal?

Sign nothing until all has been gone over properly and is watertight.