To be angry at DH and find this very unfair?

[proclaimingthesame]

DH and I own a successful business together. We recently decided to sell it for quite a lot of money (this will be a turning point in our life, financially) and an old contact of mine has come forward with a buyer.

The buyer is a bit of a misogynist and over the last week, while agreeing the terms of the sale, he has been taking DH out drinking to "chat shop" and DH has been coming back in the early hours about five nights since last week.

DH is agreeing he is a misogynist and stressing that he and I need to "work together" and just get the sale finished and then we can celebrate. My part, I presume is sitting in the house with the DCs waiting to hear when DH will be coming back and waiting to hear what's going on. I understand this and have understood it for the last five nights.

But tonight it has happened again. The buyer is bringing all of his partners. DH is rushing around trying to get ready to meet them. I suggested we get a babysitter and I come along. He said "what? Four men and you? That'll be weird and won't help me to close."

Of course I lost it, even though I don't think DH meant it like that. We have had a furious wats app conversation while he is in the meeting and he is telling me to please just shut up so he can close this deal.

AIBU and what should I do? Do I have to put my personal feelings of exclusion aside?

If your H has a better relationship with the misogynistic buyer then he's probably better placed to close the deal, but I would be wary of reaching final agreement whilst out drinking!

If this man is serious about your business, why does your DH need to go out drinking with him for five nights on the trot to "close the deal"? Either the bloke is a time waster or your DH is using this as an excuse to keep going out on the piss. Or both.

Sounds odd. If you co-own the business then, whether the buyer likes you or not, you should be at the discussions especially if his partners are along. It sometimes happens in business that there isn't a perfect gender balance in a meeting! But it sounds very unprofessional in the extreme to be using all night drinking sessions to make a business deal. If I were you I would call a halt to this, insist that you are included and involved, and that future meetings take place in a more professional setting. Unless the business is a bar or nightclub or similar!

Of course I am going to see all contracts and agreements before signing away my half. And DH will consult me on all decisions when he "reports back" but I just feel so excluded from the process and I am having to ask to be involved and being told I can't. DH is accusing me of not caring about the financial future of our family by kicking off just as he's about to close the sale.

You husband can see this as a business opportunity despite the buyers ignorance. He isn't taking their side, he's taking their money.

How sure are you that the buyer isn't just hoping that lots of nights out drinking with your DH will help him negotiate a lower sum?

Is this in doubt? The OP should make sure it hasn't swayed her husband when closing the sale.

I used to run my own business, successfully, now sold and I'm retired. i started that business because of the shitty, mysogynistic attitude I, and other women, continually got at Railtrack.
I'd keep my eyes on the prize which is what you want. I wouldn't trust your DH to deliver it. You need your own solicitor(s), family and commercial. You have to approve all the contract proposals in advance of signature, your signature needs to be on the sale contract. You need to have a written agreement between you and DH that all proceeds are split equally between you, plus your solicitor needs to consider any amount you've put into the business from money that was yours, not shared, such as any legacy you received.
From my experience, and that of other women I know, this is the start of splitting your assets between you, including the matrimonial home, and going your separate ways. Your DH is enjoying the 'boys' club' like my ex did, for me to believe anything else. YMMV.
Hugs and best wishes to you.

What should you do? Shut up.

He is already in the meeting. The time to debate thus was last week, even last night, but not right now.

The only reason you should interrupt him again is if you don't trust him to get a good enough deal & frankly, it's a bit late to be worrying about that now.

The guy is a cock.

Your DH is either as much of a cock, or really just wants to get this done as quickly as possible.

When we sold our business, I just wanted it DONE, I'd have danced on the table naked if that's what it had taken & if DH had complained about me getting the deal done for both of our benefits, I'd have lost the plot. We had a difficult buyer, he wanted to deal with me, not DH. I think he thought he'd get one over me easier - absolute fool, DH was the pushover, not me! 😂

Don't let this cockwomble come between you. IF your DH isn't treating you as an equal, there will be other opportunities to set him straight. Don't spoil what should be a celebration.

Of course I am going to see all contracts and agreements before signing away my half

But is your (and I don't mean your DH's or your joint) solicitor going to?

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think your DH is a misogynist at all! Yes that bloke is a prat but he only has to be in your life for a couple of weeks and then you can retire happy I think DH is just stressed about closing the deal.

I'd be insisting "it gets closed tonight. If it doesn't that's 6 meetings and if it's taking that long then it's either not going well or he is taking a lend and I will be stepping in"

DH is accusing me of not caring about the financial future of our family by kicking off just as he's about to close the sale

He's right. Starting an argument when someone s going into an important meeting/negotiation is plain stupid, whether you are right or not, you do not do it unless it's going to directly affect the deal you are putting on the table.

What are you hoping to achieve?

If he's closing the deal then let him. Sounds like he's going to strip clubs though...

If your DH said to you something like 'sorry, babe, I don't like doing it this way, but this is the quickest way to get the best deal. I'll keep you in the loop and won't finalise anything without your agreement'. Then I'd let it go.

If you don't trust his negotiation skills, his fairness towards you or his ability to stay sober enough, then you're right to be pissed off.

Discuss it with him. You should sit down and agree how you will play this together. DH and I once were negotiating to buy something very expensive, and I suggested I bow out of the negotiations. He's much better at it than me, and could pop out and then used my intransigence (bloody mindedness) as an excuse for lowering what we would be prepared to pay. It worked too.

Also... has your solicitor done bankruptcy searches against all your potential purchasers? If not, you need to see your solicitor tomorrow and tell DH nothing is happening until you (both) have had proper advice. I second what Chippednail said.

Meridien

You definitely don't come across as biased and bitter.

Are you not an equal partner in the business? If you jointly own it then do you not both have to sign any contracts or deals relating to the sale of it?

I would not want to sign anything if I hadn't been involved in setting it up.

Tell him that you don't like his attitude at the moment and that after all the hard work you have put in with him over the years to build the business up you are really shocked and disappointed that he suddenly no longer seems to consider you an equal.

I hope he is keeping you fully in the loop about it all. Not just expecting you to sign on the dotted line when you are not sure he has the best deal hammered out. If he is just expecting you to simply sign then don't until you have done your own homework on it first.

A deal needs to be right for you too, and legally watertight.

honestly? Shut the hell up and let him get on with it.

You have all the time AFTER the deal is closed to bitch about the meetings and feeling excluded, but this is about selling up, not a popularity contest.

Now is not the time to be throwing a strop.

I wouldn't care. He sounds like an arse and I would rather not spend time with him. If you think that you shouldn't sell to him on moral grounds then that is different. But if you would actually like to sell your company for as much money as possible to this man then I would let him get on with it. What good do you think you going would achieve?

It's all bollocks- sounds like an excuse for multiple piss ups for the 'buyer'. Why would your presence scupper the deal. Misogynists will deal with women if it benefits them. I'd be deeply offended too

See, I can sort of see it from your husbands side - if this buyer is as he says, then the buyer would probably not "want" female company. It could be weird, if he simply does not like or take women seriously. I would let it slide this once, and obviously look at all the paperwork properly before agreeing to anything. Watch your own back.

"The buyer is a bit of a misogynist and over the last week, while agreeing the terms of the sale, he has been taking DH out drinking to "chat shop" "
The terms of the sale would not be being agreed without me present. This is a business transaction, drinking is hardly going to improve your husband's negotiating skills. The whole set-up is wrong.

I would be very worried about a business deal that's taking so many hours to close. That anxiety coupled with being excluded from the process would drive me insane.

If possible, try to focus on what's most important which is the terms of the sale. You can't be excluded from those, so make sure that you're focused.

DH is accusing me of not caring about the financial future of our family by kicking off just as he's about to close the sale.

Well I don't blame him - you were happy for him to deal with the misogynist before and go out for five nights with him. Why on earth would you start kicking up a fuss this late, and carry out an argument with him during a meeting?

Personally if I trusted my DH and was able to give my input on all sales docs I'd say let him get on with it. They can't finalise anything without your say so - as long as thats clear let them drink themselves in to the ground. I do hope you've got a lawyer to go over the finer details - they can get lost in translation (either by design or mistake). And make sure you are at every legal meeting. No surprises.
It's the long game that counts.

I'd be really concerned about this. Is the other guy really a misogynist, or has he realised DH + alcohol = better deal?