AIBU to ask for my money back?

[LeahRose09]

Sorry bit of a long story but here goes!

Just before Xmas, I gave a friend of mine some money so she could buy her kid some Xmas presents. I told her that it was OK for her to pay me back after Xmas as she's paid on the 7th of every month.
Anyway, I asked her this week if she can pay me back and she said she had no money. Now I know she does as she's always buying new things and going out every weekend, the weekend just gone she bragged how she spent £100 on a new dress for date.
After I asked her for the money back, she said that she doesn't have to pay me back because I gave her the money for her kid and not for her, and I shouldn't stress her out because she has depression.
She knows I'm struggling because she helped me bring back food from the food bank on Monday, and since my partner passed last year she knows how hard everything has been for me.
I've borrowed money to her before and she's always paid me back so I don't understand why she's being the way she is.
Was I being unreasonable? I feel really bad that I've upset her and if her depression is as bad as she says, I feel awful if I've made it worse. Another part of me is just desperate for the money because I'm on my arse right now.

[TrustySnail]

I'm wondering if I've done something to her or said something and not realised.

Even if you had, that doesn't excuse her refusing to repay the money when it's clear she can afford to buy things for herself. I find it hard to imagine that you could have done or said anything negative that would outweigh the generosity you have shown her.

As others have said, don't have anything more to do with her.

[dollydaydream114]

She's a grasping cow and her behaviour has bugger-all to do with depression. I have depression, but I don't nick money off people.

It sounds like she borrowed more money from you than she can afford to pay back and is now crapping herself because she's been overspending on other things. To even ask to borrow money from you when you have been struggling and using a foodbank was totally out of order.

I'm wondering if I've done something to her or said something and not realised.

Even if you have upset her in some way without realising, that doesn't actually mean she isn't obliged to pay back a loan. It's your money, regardless of anything else that might have happened between you. A loan doesn't just get written off just because you're pissed off with someone.

[MsJamieFraser]

I'd have sent her a text message saying,

I hope the £60 was worth losing me over!

[dowhatnow]

I'd continue to be nice to her and see if you can get the money back on the next pay day of 7th Feb or whatever, then kick her sorry arse into touch.

If she was a true friend and genuinely intended to pay you back but made a mistake by spending too much, then she would be apologising and grovelling now.

[LeahRose09]

True, I don't even care if it was £20 that I got back, I only needed to get gas and electric with it. I've managed to get the food parcel this week so foodwise I'll be OK until the weekend, but even then I should be alright as I don't eat that much anyway so I can get through until Tuesday when child tax credits gets reinstated (it got suspended after I failed my medical, change of circumstance for something). Just can't believe I was so stupid. Fool me once etc

[LagunaBubbles]

I feel really bad that I've upset her and if her depression is as bad as she says, I feel awful if I've made it worse

Dont feel bad. At least you sound as of you have woken up to what a nasty person this so called friend is. Why on earth feel bad!!!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"After I asked her for the money back, she said that she doesn't have to pay me back because I gave her the money for her kid and not for her, and I shouldn't stress her out because she has depression."
Do you have any mutual friends? I would make certain they all knew what she said to you.

[loinnir]

I would keep texting her - what could she pay? £20, £30, £10 etc try to claw it back. She is awful £100 on a dress when you have no leckie money and a foodbank voucher - some friend!

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

Were the presents to her child labelled as coming from you? Of course they weren't.

Depression may make it so she can't work and earn money to pay you back, it does not turn people into grasping users who don't even want to pay you back.

Definitely ask for the money back every time you have contact with her from now on and tell her the stress is making you depressed - two can play at that game. You probably won't see it, but at least you won't have her trying to leech off you again as she'll take to the hills every time she sees you coming. I'd be sorely tempted to tell her that if she sells her new one hundred pound dress she could probably get the sixty pounds she owes you, although I know I wouldn't as I don't have those kind of guts.

[HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas]

Does you friend use mumsnet op? if she does she'll probably know this is about her...

[EweAreHere]

She's not your friend.

Wow.

I would text her (so it's in writing somewhere) and tell her she promised to pay the money back on the 7th when she got paid, and you would like to be repaid.

[DailyMaui]

I had a really wealthy friend borrow a decent amount of money from me when we were on holiday - I'd just been made redundant. She had forgotten her card... She never paid me back. If there had been social media back then I would have shamed her. I was asking her for months. I had no job, was really struggling for a while and she just blanked me.

I now know she was never a friend. Your "friend" is vile and I would let everyone know that she has put you such a terrible position. Who refuses to pay back someone who has to get food parcels? A Cunty McCuntface, that's who. I'm so angry on your behalf.

[LeahRose09]

I've been texting her for the past 2 days about it, I've even said that she doesn't have to pay it back all at once, even just a £10 a week would do. Nothing but abuse back "go get a job" "you're denying my kid food" etc, I had to snap back and mention the £100 on a dress she's just spent.

I've always been shat on by family and so called friends and I thought she was different. When my partner passed last year, it was difficult. When I finally managed to get it together and go back to the baby club, she was so nice to me and said she's been through the same so I honestly thought I'd found someone to share that trauma with if that makes sense.

I'm just a doormat when it comes to people and I have no backbone to say no

[Earlgreywithmilk]

im just not understanding why now it's become a problem paying me back

Probably that £100 dress! She couldn't afford Xmas presents for her child and then she's buying £100 dresses? I'm pretty well off and even I wouldn't spend £100 on a dress! Wtf?

[ChuckSnowballs]

Does you friend use mumsnet op? if she does she'll probably know this is about her...

Lets hope so and she pays her friend back.

[Headofthehive55]

Ask if you can borrow money from her. Tell her you need food. Tell her you'll pay her back no probs. Obviously you won't! It might work!

[DailyMaui]

Do you have anyone in real life who can help you? Any mutual friends? She's really taken advantage of you at a very vulnerable time.

[LeahRose09]

Wow I can't believe this has happened to so many people! I'm sorry you've all had to go through that, I really am. I'm blocked from her facebook and I'm running out of credit on my phone so I'll have to leave it for now.

I just can't believe she's been so horrible to me. She knows I can't work yet as I have PTSD. I'm working on that and I do attend counselling. I'm hoping to get back to work asap because I hate being at home on my own.

It feels like history is repeating itself again and I do it every time. I always say "I'm going to change and things need to be different". It works for about a week and then I regress to a kid again. If early 20's is this bad, im dreading late 20's lol

[LeahRose09]

Dailymaui, pathetically I only had her. Family don't talk to me and I didn't have any other friends but her. She'd always get jealous when I'd meet someone new that I just gave up in the end because it was just too much hassle. I think in a dumb way, I relied on her friendship more than a friend should. Not in any sort of romanric relationship way, but I think I relied on her and used the friendship as a crutch rather than sorting my head out first. I've always felt or had it banged into my head that I needed people to cope with life, now I'm learning that that isn't the case. Its just hard being alone all the time, too scared to meet people but too scared to be alone if thast makes sense

[wornoutboots]

I've had similar "oh we can't afford christmas! woe, woe!" so I bought them presents for the kids. Then in January they booked an all inclusive holiday.

At least they never claimed they'd pay me back.
it still smarts though.

[LeahRose09]

It does doesn't it wornoutboots. Don't know what I'm more annoyed at, her for being this way when she knows my electric and gas will go either tomorrow or Saturday or at myself for being so stupid!

[DeathStare]

OP You may have only had her but I suspect that was a situation of her making. People like that both exclude you from making other friends and sap your confidence and energy so you end up less likely to make new friends. Now you've got rid of her I'm sure you will make genuine friends. Get out as much as you can - even if only to the park - and make a resolution to talk to someone new every time you do. You'll have a network of friends in no time I'll bet, and will barely even remember who this woman was.

Re the money - I completely understand PPs saying chase her for it. And I completely understand. But I'm going to be pragmatic.... she's not going to give it you back no matter what you do (IMHO) so personally I wouldn't expend any more effort on trying to get it back or continue any communication with her. I know you can't afford to lose it but unfortunately I think you already have.

[LeahRose09]

I agree Deathstare, its gone now. And I'll definitely try and socialise, this has knocked me but I'll do my best. Thank you

[myusernamewastaken]

I bet she didn't even use the £60 for presents for her kid...it probably went on fags...booze...or clothes for herself....selfish cow !!!
I have a rule...i have never lent money or borrowed money and its stood me in good stead.