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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex mil dictating what she wants

64 replies

user1483809827 · 12/01/2017 10:31

Just had a call from ex mil. She wants to see dd (2) today but she's at nursery and I'm busy so therefore I said no and explained that ex will bring dd to visit at the weekend.

She then went crazy saying she wants to see her twice a week and that I don't know what it's like to be a grandparent. We were no contact since dd was born and in December ex and her made up. So it's been 3 weeks and she's dictating what she wants even though she didn't give a fuck before.

I told her that once a week is plenty when ex takes dd to their house and she shouted down the phone at me.

I'm also not happy with dd going to their house as it absolutely stinks. They're chainsmokers but don't smoke in the house when dd is there.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blondiebonce · 12/01/2017 11:18

OP I feel I could have written this word for word myself! DD is 2.5 and ex and his mother are nightmares. Ex doesn't smoke but lives with ex-mil who does so clothes/belongings come back smelling of stale smoke but he's blind to the smell and has a go at me for trying to make issues where there "aren't"!
After seeking legal advice I feel so much better saying no to her, now. Before she was threatening to drag me through court and ex was too if I didn't let her have DD by herself (other bad experiences). Solicitor said as ex was crap at prioritising DD he had no chance and if he was so bothered about his mum seeing her he could make the effort.
Your ex-mil is a twat.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/01/2017 11:22

It's up to your ex what he does with your DD on his own time (within reason, obviously) - and you are under no obligation to see his mother, or allow her further access to your DD on your time.

However.

Unless you completely hate her/ she is a total bitch, it might be an idea to have her "on side", so maybe you could suggest meeting up at a local park/café or something in the week? No need to have her at your house, ever, unless you really want to - but I wouldn't want my space invaded, tbh.

But in the end, you don't HAVE to do that at all - that would be you offering a compromise, and being nice and generous - and if she messes any of it up then you can withdraw the privilege again and leave it that she only sees your DD when her son has her.

SapphireStrange · 12/01/2017 11:22

Just stop speaking to her. Your ex HAS to be 'involved' –it's his DD and his mother –but you don't. Block her number.

Original poster
user1483809827 · 12/01/2017 11:27

blondie so did you stop mil seeing your dd? I'm considering seeking legal advice myself now.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/01/2017 11:29

How is this anything to do with you? You and ex have split. It's entirely up to ex as her father to support and facilitate the relationship between his dd and his side of the family. You wouldn't expect him to run around taking dd to visit your family members during his contact time.

Bat it back. It's for ex to decide to take dd to see MiL or not when he and dd are together, based on his judgement. Of course you wouldn't interfere. Wink I do wonder how much this has to do with ex passing the buck to you to avoid having to interact with his difficult mother: I've heard that story plenty of times. If HE has to do all the work and visiting and she's difficult with him, I wonder how long it will be before he gives up and goes NC again.)

beargrass · 12/01/2017 11:45

Defs YANBU. My mother sees our (first and only grandchild) about once a week but not always. On the other side she's no6 and they live a fair way away so it's when we can.

Rightly or wrongly, she has zero rights here. So she can't carry on like she does.

I'd also be fucked off about the smoky house. If he takes her there, I'd prob try to grin and bear it tho I'd be really unhappy about it.

If she starts all this up again, I'd say she's going to your ex's on X date, give him a call, see what they are doing. I'd remain civil but no way bending over backwards. More you meet her demands, the more demands she will have of you.

user892 · 12/01/2017 11:46

I'm considering seeking legal advice myself now.

Don't waste your money. There's nothing you can do. Even if he took you to court if you withheld access from him, a judge would probably side with a father wanting free rein to take his daughter to his mother's home - even if she smokes.

Although doctors deem passive smoking child abuse, it's not illegal to do it in your home (though in a car it is).

starfish4 · 12/01/2017 11:50

Under the circumstances YANBU. She can't expect you to just drop everything when it suits her and you've had no relationship with her. My Mum and I live three miles apart and she's probably seen DD on average less than once a week (neither of us have a car though so it's either two buses to houses or meeting in town).

If DD would like to see more of "Granny/Grandma" when she gets older, you can review things then.

2rebecca · 12/01/2017 11:51

When I got divorced then my ex's relatives saw the kids with him and it was up to him to take the kids round to any of his relatives that he wanted to. I didn't expect my relatives to be taking up his contact time with the kids so why should his relatives take up mine?

pictish · 12/01/2017 11:54

You are in no way obligated to respond to any of her demands. When your dd has contact with her dad, he may take her to his mum's if he likes.
Those are the basics.

If she contacts you again tell her not to. Tell her you are under no obligation to her and that she should organise contact on her son's time with dd. Don't discuss further.

pictish · 12/01/2017 11:57

As for the smoking...there is nothing you can do.

PinkBunnyOnesieOnOrder · 12/01/2017 12:02

BitOutOfPractice
I said this to my exMiL when I split up with her son

"One of the very few good things to come out of this split is that I no longer have to pretend to give a shit what you think."

Seriously, you don't have to listen to her

^^. That.

EX. EX PARTNER. EX MIL ex ex ex.... rejoice in that!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/01/2017 12:03

I agree - don't waste your money.

If she calls again, tell her to take it up with her son. Don't engage.

Original poster
user1483809827 · 12/01/2017 12:27

Spoke to ex. He said he'll respect my wishes regarding not taking dd to his parents house as long as I'm the one who tells his mum that and not him. He says the issue of the smoky house doesn't concern him so if I have an issue then I need to be the one to address it and make changes.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 12/01/2017 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 12/01/2017 12:32

He's right really. It's on his time and he doesn't have a problem with it.

Original poster
user1483809827 · 12/01/2017 12:34

Well yeah he is right but it's not the fact that he doesn't mind the smoke. It's the fact that he doesn't want to upset his sensitive mother and has always been intimidated by her. Time to take some responsibility.

OP posts:
pictish · 12/01/2017 12:41

You've split up so their relationship is no longer your concern.

NavyandWhite · 12/01/2017 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 12/01/2017 12:42

Can't have it both ways.

blondiebonce · 12/01/2017 13:06

I haven't stopped her completely, but after many incidents of not following my parenting wishes and replying with "we'll see", returning smelling of smoke, bringing her back early and having hissy fits when I wasn't home, insisting my child was seriously ill after a whole day of her being apparently poorly so I rush her to the Drs and they reply with Hmm she's 100% fine, knowing that when she's there even on a lovely day she's sat with ex-mil's phone watching peppa pig all day, she's known for mood swings, she is ignorant and refuses to believe health visitors know more than her and times have changed (the outdated dangerous advice she tried to insist we do was worrying), she has a history of threatening behaviour to others, she's manipulative to get her own way, she's rude...I could go on. Anyway after the debacle with shouting at me my DD is ill etc etc I said I don't trust her with DD alone. If others like Aunties etc are there, fair enough. But I don't want to interact with her and I won't have DDs compromised.
My advice was a one off appointment under legal aid and they said Ex-Mil would be laughed out of a solicitors office, but when DD is with ex there's nothing I can do.

Original poster
user1483809827 · 12/01/2017 13:06

It is my concern when it affects my daughter pictish Hmm

OP posts:
pictish · 12/01/2017 13:11

No, it's your ex's concern.

abbsisspartacus · 12/01/2017 13:12

Do they smile around her or is it just the house smelling?

Pick your battles you have to deal with your ex for a long time

pictish · 12/01/2017 13:17

"They're chainsmokers but don't smoke in the house when dd is there."

It's the ex's call. He's good with that. No court in the land would uphold your interference or influence over his contact time over this matter. The fact that he is scared of his mum is neither here nor there as far as you are concerned - that is no longer anything to do with you. Accept it.

I'm not trying to be rude here but I am being blunt. Those are facts.