To expect more?

[c737]

I've got 2 v young children, 1 yrs old and 2 yrs old. DP works long hours so don't have much help - PILs do a bit here and there for us.

Anyway, I seem to spend a lot of time feeling royally pissed off and resentful that my mum doesn't help out with the kids. Granted, she lives up north while we're down south and she works but her job is v flexible (i.e. Some weeks she spends a large part of the week working from home).

She had my sister and I very close together so she knows how fucking mindblowingly relentless it is, how tiring and how manic my life has become. I just don't understand why she wouldn't offer to take them for a bit or take a few days off and come down and help out. She helped out for a week after dc2 was born but that's all she's ever done really apart from babysit in the evening a few times when it was pretty much guaranteed that the kids wouldn't wake up.

My sister (who doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her either) says I am being U as mum prob feels like she has 'done her time' and shouldn't be expected to muck in. She was never particularly happy in the mother role with us so not sure why I expect any difference now with my own children.

I just seem to grow ever more resentful that her bi monthly visits are just popping in for a day at the weekend (when dp is home and I have help) and chucking a few pressies at the kids and then leaving. She's a v difficult character so know it would end up in a huge row if I said anything but just wondered if other people understand where I'm coming from or if I'm just being sensitive and acting entitled?

Yabu. Not her fault you chose to have 2 kids so close together.

Wow, yabu. I have 3 dds including twins and at one point they were all 3 and under. It never occurred to me that my mum should do any more than she chooses to. She didn't do masses as she lives a distance and runs a business. Now dc are primary age and she has them in the holidays. She'd always say she was granny and not childcare but I believe my grandmother (her Mum) commented to her that grandchildren are young for such a short time so she's asked to have them much more (plus they're more independent). However, I'm always extremely grateful and never expect it. Mil won't have dc as she finds them too much and you know what? That's totally fine. I'm glad she can admit it and never hold it against her. My kids my responsibility (shared with dh).

Pretty I hear you - both my mum and my MIL had their own mothers around all the time helping out, cleaning, cooking, taking me and sis for weekend etc. I suppose it's just that life is so different now and fAmilies don't really take on that role any more sadly. I suppose I thought my own mother would have valued the help she got from her mother so much that she would have helped me a bit more, not moved 300 miles away!

YABVU and so entitled it's unreal

So your mum should take time off work, travel miles and then provide childcare as you can't cope with the decision to have two children close together? Nobody made you, you chose it so now have to live with the reality. Your sister is right, your mum raised her children and shouldn't have to start again.

I suppose I thought my own mother would have valued the help she got from her mother so much that she would have helped me a bit more, not moved 300 miles away!

You must realise life is so much more complicated than that.

Sorry but YABU. Your Mum raised two children and it's not her job to raise DGC too.

Any DGPs that do help are amazing but it's not not to be expected (even if she didn't have a job and live away!)

Motherofdragons, your post made me realise there's more to this than I'm expressing on here, I actually think if she said to me 'do you know what, I'm busy and I don't really want all that baby shit in my life any more - been there, done that, got the puke stained carpet' etc I would almost be able to respect that more than the excuses she makes for not coming, and then when she does come the way she always has to leave that evening for 'another appointment' when I know she just doesn't really want to be here. She's always been someone who can't be honest about things, has to tell white lies that usually get found out, so her honesty in not wanting to stay or help would actually help me out I think.

Yeah life is complicated too right, my mum goes on three cruises a year and off for the weekend every month, easy life ! She would not think twice about helping anyone out, Bro included.

I have a great support system around me now but ds is now 9, you will get there op just forget her giving you anything useful in terms of support!

So what she moved away from her adult child. As a parent she put her life on hold to raise her children and once they are grown and have lives of their own she is now getting on with hers. Why begrudge her that?

I know you said you had a crapoy childhood but you are still sounding entitled and now spoilt. Sort yourself out OP this is doing you no good.

When dc were tiny mil used to visit and he waited on while reminiscing how badly dh and his db were at sleeping so her pil used to have the boys every other weekend to let them sleep yet when dh said "that sounds amazing, when do you want the girls?" Mil would have an excuse why it wouldn't work. She visted with fil when dtds were 10 days old. I'd had cs and dtd1 had nearly died so we'd only been home from scbu for 2 days. Pil came, didn't lift a finger, went up for an afternoon nap because they were tired! (They were 54 years old so not elderly). On day 3 dh actually kicked them out and I couldn't look at them. I can't ever forgive them but I try to get past it!

m0therofdragons that would have boiled my piss

I do understand why you are upset and hurt, and I think you realise it's unreasonable to expect her to take time off work to look after your children but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be able to talk to your Mum when you're finding things hard, esp when she's been through similar.

I moved away from my mum so she can't offer regular practical help but she'd ring and text several times a week to chat and ask how I was coping, how dd was, and I think if your Mum showed an interest in your life you wouldn't feel resentful?

Whereas mil live a five min walk away and has almost no relationship with dd, I never wanted any babysitting etc from her but do feel a bit miffed that she looks after sil and bils DC everyday, i used to take dd round hers, or pop in as we walked past but it always felt like she wanted us gone as she was either busy with the grandkids, or knackered from looking after them and would go into her bedroom to lie down. It used to upset dd and I still think it's sad that dd has no relationship with her nana other than a hello if they pass in the street but I can't make her want to spend time with dd. I can't make her want to take an interest.

Your mum could show she cares about how you're coping without offering practical help and I think it sounds like an offload to someone who's been through the same can help you? It's not unreasonable to be hurt that she hasn't. But given that you said your mums parenting if you was a bit shitty, her advice may not be that helpful and if she hasn't changed then do you want your DC around her a lot? Were you hoping having grandchildren would make her change and try to make up for her failin you? I don't think it's weird to hope for that but it doesn't look it's gonna happen.

Focusing in ways to make it easier for you without involving your Mum would be better, can mil help? Can dh reduce hours? Can you extend the childcare when you work by an extra hour a week? An hour to yourself once a week can make a difference. Can dh have a day, or half a day maybe once a month or fortnight on a weekend where he does majority of looking after DC, it'll benefit him too as he gets to spend some one on one time with his children which he prob doesn't get much if he works long hours.

I understand where you are coming from. On mumsnet everyone seems to manage without any help from GPs, in real life we are the only ones I know without any support.

We live away from our home city, work long hours, both sets of parents had one person at home and masses amounts of childcare and babysitting.

Having babies can make you reflect on childhood and if this was difficult it is very hard to deal with. Counseling really helped me and I suggest you give it a go.

I can sympathise as I remember feeling like you with a 1 and 2 year old. I too vowed to help my children more one day! I found the best way to get help was to ask GPS to look after children for something specific like when we were going to a wedding. Maybe you could invent some important social engagements and just have a quiet wkend away. My mil helped quite a lot when I was working, but just having a break didn't seem to merit grandparents help. On the plus side it soon gets easier with children born close together and I think the advantages of having ready made play mates etc outweigh the disadvantages of the initial slog. Hope things get better soon.

You're expecting the kind of relationship grandparents have when they live around the corner, not hundreds of miles away. When they live further away, they become sort of grandparents that you visit at Christmas and Easter.

Just a thought, have you actually asked for help? Maybe she doesn't realise that you would like her to help,out more. Maybe invite her down to stay, and ask her to babysit for a few hours/day/evening when she is visiting.

My parents had no help with us, as my Dad was in HM Forces, and we moved around. When ds was born, we lived 3.5 hours away from my Mum and pils, and that continued until Mum retired when ds was 5 and she moved down to the West country. Even when Mum moved down, she only helped out when it suited her, and that was it should be.

I understand where you are coming from. On mumsnet everyone seems to manage without any help from GPs,

The op does have help. From her mum and pil. She just feels her mum should do more. Given the circumstances, its s ridiculous expectation.