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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more?

68 replies

c737 · 11/01/2017 20:19

I've got 2 v young children, 1 yrs old and 2 yrs old. DP works long hours so don't have much help - PILs do a bit here and there for us.

Anyway, I seem to spend a lot of time feeling royally pissed off and resentful that my mum doesn't help out with the kids. Granted, she lives up north while we're down south and she works but her job is v flexible (i.e. Some weeks she spends a large part of the week working from home).

She had my sister and I very close together so she knows how fucking mindblowingly relentless it is, how tiring and how manic my life has become. I just don't understand why she wouldn't offer to take them for a bit or take a few days off and come down and help out. She helped out for a week after dc2 was born but that's all she's ever done really apart from babysit in the evening a few times when it was pretty much guaranteed that the kids wouldn't wake up.

My sister (who doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her either) says I am being U as mum prob feels like she has 'done her time' and shouldn't be expected to muck in. She was never particularly happy in the mother role with us so not sure why I expect any difference now with my own children.

I just seem to grow ever more resentful that her bi monthly visits are just popping in for a day at the weekend (when dp is home and I have help) and chucking a few pressies at the kids and then leaving. She's a v difficult character so know it would end up in a huge row if I said anything but just wondered if other people understand where I'm coming from or if I'm just being sensitive and acting entitled?

OP posts:

Original poster

c737 · 11/01/2017 20:36

No I haven't asked Loaf, perhaps I should. I guess I just kind of hoped she would want to spend the time with them and come up with it herself, if that makes sense.

Sorry I phrased how often she visits wrong - she comes once every few months rather than twice a month.

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 11/01/2017 20:37

Agree with PP, it's your DH who you should ask to do more/be more present.

MadMags · 11/01/2017 20:37

Because she lives miles away! I can't believe this is real...

Is it some sort of reverse?

Bantanddec · 11/01/2017 20:37

This is a wind up?

RacoonBandit · 11/01/2017 20:39

And if you ask her and she says no then what? Will you resent her more?

Mari50 · 11/01/2017 20:40

Sorry OP but this is your situation and it's my your mums job to step in and take over for you, esp when she doesn't live nearby and is still working. You chose to have two children close together with a DP who works long hours. Maybe you should put the kids in with a childminder once a week to get a break and catch up with yourself. Obviously it's lovely when grandparents help out but they are in no way obliged.

lilyb84 · 11/01/2017 20:40

I agree with dudsville, sounds like the resentment stems from something else as what you want from your mum is so clearly unreasonable.

Maybe rather than expecting practical support you could open up to her more emotionally about how stressful you're finding things? You might find more common ground there to bond over, and maybe a closer relationship will in time lead to her having a slightly more active role - if she wants one (I used to go and stay with my grandparents during holidays when they still lived 100 miles away, for instance, which I'm sure was a lovely break for my parents. But then they were retired).

Rainbowqueeen · 11/01/2017 20:41

I think your DH should be stepping up more. He is also the parent. YOur mum sounds no different to thousands of other grandparents, comes and visits regularly, gives gifts. That's all you can expect really.

Does your DH give you time to yourself on the weekend regularly?

I had 3 under 4, no family living near, parents abroad so I do understand how hard it is. But ultimately, it was your choice, so you and your DH need to do what you can to improve things. Talk to him.

ImNotReallyReal · 11/01/2017 20:41

You are joking aren't you? Or is this a reverse?

flumpybear · 11/01/2017 20:44

Go stay at her house when she's home ?! It's hard, but transient!

Original poster

c737 · 11/01/2017 20:45

That sounds like a good idea Lilyb. I feel like she's always let me down in the past when I've let my own guard down and opened up to her so maybe that's why I don't open up to her about how much I struggle with it all.

It was my choice at the end of the day and I love them and being a mum, wouldn't have it any other way. Perhaps it was just that my expectations were that my family would all have so much more to do with my kids than they actually do.

Yes defo needs to sort out some me time at the weekend, it just gets so full on sometimes (and I also work part time) that it goes by the wayside.

OP posts:

RacoonBandit · 11/01/2017 20:47

Who moved you or your mum?

Mulberry72 · 11/01/2017 20:47

Wow OP, you really do sound very entitled and VVU. Your Mum works full time and lives some distance away, your childcare is your responsibility and it was your choice to have children close together. It almost comes across as if you are blaming your Mum for your choices.

fruitbats · 11/01/2017 20:50

How can they do more when they live so far away?

Original poster

c737 · 11/01/2017 20:50

I think I just feel that she could put right all the shit that went wrong when I was a kid, and there was some pretty bad shit, when actually why on earth would things be any different now. Trying to bring up anything hurtful from the past with her has always been a total no go so I guess this new resentment is born of holding on to all that hurt.

OP posts:

RacoonBandit · 11/01/2017 20:52

Then seek counselling OP because harbouring this resentment and letting it grow will not do any good.

Original poster

c737 · 11/01/2017 20:53

I think I may just do that racoonbandit!

OP posts:

titsbumfannythelot · 11/01/2017 20:55

Your children= your responsibility. End of.

It's pretty unfair to expect someone who works full time to do any more than the odd bit of babysitting at the weekend.

picklemepopcorn · 11/01/2017 20:55

She might be quite traumatised by her own experience and want to avoid it!

prettywhiteguitar · 11/01/2017 20:58

Familiar story from when I had my first, I think you just have to accept your mum for who she is. It's not what you would do but then she is not you. My mum has not got a maternal bone in her body, comes to see the kids, ignores them rattling on at me the whole time.

When I only had a tiny ds and was a single mother she was no help whatsoever. I had CBT to come to terms with my family situation and it did help.

Lelloteddy · 11/01/2017 21:01

So you resent how she parented you yet you want her to look after your kids?

Original poster

c737 · 11/01/2017 21:08

Agree prettywhite, it is a lot about acceptance which I am nowhere near yet. The funny thing is, I would say she is quite maternal - loves babies and the like and is very responsive to them, it's just like she doesn't want to be here I guess. My sister also says being at mine is hard going because it's so chaotic with the two of them so she probably wants to get out the minute she arrives. Just had a very different pic of how things would be I guess, with no basis at all as to why I thought it would be different.

OP posts:

newmumwithquestions · 11/01/2017 21:09

Sorry OP but YABU. I have a 1 yo and 2 yo as well so I do understand the relentlessness. However I think it's your husband not your mum who should be giving you a break (yes I know that's easier said than arranged!)

prettywhiteguitar · 11/01/2017 21:14

It's not logical, you're having a shit time and you want your mum. It's just the feeling of needing someone to care for you and help you out. Logical thought doesn't come into it

prettywhiteguitar · 11/01/2017 21:19

My mum friends and neighbour have helped me out more than any family members.

I had a work day planned that was an open event for people to come to, MIL cancelled last minute, who had my ds and dd ? My friend who has two of her own to cope with. You know I came on here to bitch about it as I felt really let down at the time and was told to suck it up and not to expect anything from grandparents! These are people who lived close to their parents and who helped them out considerably, my mil had her mum round every day to clean her house and help out.

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