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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable about BIL and SIL

27 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 11/01/2017 14:32

Ok so me and DH are at loggerheads over this.

It's my birthday in March and I'm organising a night out with friends. DH has 2 sisters and 2 brothers that are all married and I have one brother who is married.
DH has been encouraging a good relationship between us and one of his brothers and wife for about a year now and what has resulted is that I very much look at them as my friends aswell as family. I casually mentioned to DH that I was going to invite his brother and his wife and DH said you can't do that because my other siblings will be offended and it'll cause a huge argument. I pointed out that we have nothing in common with the rest which is why we can go months not talking whereas we get on great and regularly see his brother, wife and kids. I'm not even inviting my own brother and SIL because they won't get on and gel with my friends. I really don't see the problem at all but anytime I try and bring it up he tells me that I can do what I want but it will cause a massive argument. He doesn't seem to understand that they keep asking me what I'm doing for my birthday as they are probably expecting to be invited as they know my friends aswell and it'll probably cause bad feeling when they realise their not invited. AIBU? Is DH?

OP posts:

NickyEds · 11/01/2017 14:40

Would the other siblings even come if invited given that you don't generally see them? Would it be possible to invite them o keep the peace secure in the knowledge that they won't come?

Ilovecaindingle · 11/01/2017 14:47

If it was a girls night out I would say fine - but you have invited 1 couple but not the rest. I can feel bad feelings brewing...

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/01/2017 14:56

"DH has been encouraging a good relationship between us and one of his brothers and wife for about a year now "
So, he singled out one of his siblings for special treatment - and now he's getting pissy because you're following his lead ?

He's not worried before about offending his other siblings, so why is he bothered by the idea now?

BillSykesDog · 11/01/2017 14:57

YABU. Because his other siblings will get the impression you've not invited them because you don't like them. And they'd be right.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/01/2017 16:36

If you go for months without even talking will they even know that BIL/SIL are out with you anyway. How is it different to you seeing them separately to the other siblings the rest of the year ie. Do they get pissed off about that too?

Tell DH its your birthday your choice!

Ohyesiam · 11/01/2017 16:42

One of my dhs sisters we see about 4 times a year, the other about every 4 years. You can't expect to click with every one.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 11/01/2017 17:00

Ohyesiam exactly the same!! I really like his other siblings but we have nothing in common at all whereas this brother and his wife are very close to our age, live near us ajdbhave some mutual friends. I'm extremely close with my own brother but there wouldn't be any point point asking him to come as he wouldn't get along with my friends at all so will just see him selerately with my parents.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 11/01/2017 17:11

So you say you're inviting your friend Sarah (SIL) and her husband David (BIL) rather than DHs brother David and his wife Sarah. Semantics but may put less emphasis on the family relationship.

Otherwise you say that if the other siblings and husbands/ wives feel upset st the lack of invite you will happily discuss it with them and deal with any fallout. There won't be.

GreenTureen · 11/01/2017 17:19

Does it really matter who goes though? It's a night out and not a dinner party with limited seating...

Just invite both siblings and spouses and hope the ones you don't see that often decline. If they want to go...leave them to it, there'll be a few of them so not like you're stuck just with them.

DavidPuddy · 11/01/2017 17:20

Would the other siblings come if invited, and if yes, would it be a problem for you? Perhaps you could just invite everyone?

Gooseberryfools · 11/01/2017 17:22

Have two seperate celebrations.

GreenTureen · 11/01/2017 17:22

In terms of getting along with your friends...I find it a bit odd tbh that it would concern you. I've been on many a night out where at least a couple of the group I wouldn't choose as a friend myself. I went on a Hen Do to Spain with 24 other girls a few months back and least 10 of those were not my cup of tea at all! But you just smile and nod and speak to the people you get on with better, and they do the same.

alltouchedout · 11/01/2017 17:24

Invite who you like and if people have tantrums about it say "see, this sort if shit is exactly why you weren't invited".

Well, actually, you probably can't say that but I would want to, so much.

hairypaws · 11/01/2017 17:33

My dh is one of 5. We're very friendly with one sibling and partner and have weekends away and nights out with only them. They're our friends first and foremost and just wouldn't socialise with the others (well I wouldn't). Don't really think it's a problem but your dh obviously does so you need to talk to him.

MrsBlennerhassett · 11/01/2017 17:49

i really wouldnt expect to be invited to something just because i was related to someone!! except possibly a wedding and even then id understand if i hardly knew the person and i didnt get an invite.
You invite friends to your birthday celebrations and it just happens that these particular relatives are also friends now. It doesnt mean you are trying to insult the rest of the family it just means you have formed a particular bond with these specific people. Which is totally understandable and acceptable to anyone rational i would imagine!!
You owe all family members a certain amount of respect and friendlyness but you dont owe them all close friendship just because they are related to you!

rollonthesummer · 11/01/2017 17:51

We often socialise with one of my siblings and not the other-it hadn't really occurred to me to that it was an issue!

ChicRock · 11/01/2017 17:53

What exact has he been doing to "encourage a good relationship"?

Invite/don't include who you like.

And with his attitude, I'd be pulling him up in future to treat all of his siblings exactly equally in terms of "encouraging a good relationship", so he invites one he invites all, he phones one he phones all, etc.

AddToBasket · 11/01/2017 17:55

Invite them all - why not? If you aren't close they may not come and if they do, that's nice.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/01/2017 18:05

I think it's fine when you are not leaving one person out. Dhs brother and sister move in the same social group so invite each other to stuff they have on for friends. It wouldn't occur to me or dh to care as we know they are in a group and that's grand. They even went on holidays together along with that group of friends. We never expected to be invited. I think it would only be a difficulty if you left one couple out and invited all other siblings.

seven201 · 11/01/2017 18:18

Just invite them all. The others will politely decline surely and then you've been polite to invite them!

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 11/01/2017 18:22

I'm in agreement with your husband.

As the eldest by a long shot of all my siblings I have very little in common with them but love them all dearly.

More than once there's been an important birthday celebration where I haven't even been offered an invite...even though the odds are stacked against my attendance because I live nowhere near them. Just an invite would have made me feel happy.

I've never mentioned it to them but it hurts like hell to be excluded.

Just consider whether the lack of invitation is worth the hurt it may cause verus them having an invite and maybe coming along.

sleeponeday · 11/01/2017 18:50

If you asked them all, would they all come? If you're confident only the ones you wanted would, then job done.

One of my cousins apparently still nurses a grudge that I didn't ask her to my (tiny) wedding, when I hadn't seen her in years and she didn't like me anyway, because I asked her sister, who at the time I saw a fair bit and got on well with. It was 15 years ago.

It actually worked out quite well from my perspective as she is irritating, denser than quark matter, and a self-important little twat (or was, in fairness - people do change, and we've not seen one another in blessed years) and she then left me off the guestlist of her nightmare enormous wedding as a pointed slight, which delighted DH and I, as I was pregnant, it was miles away, and the weddings of people you aren't close to are a dull, expensive PITA at the best of times. It suited us perfectly as a useful byproduct of a completely unforseen slight - never even crossed our minds she'd want to go. (Her mum is just as enraged, which is even weirder as she'd left my uncle for a younger man at the time, so wasn't exactly his family's ideal guest - she appears to have forgotten that detail. Yes, my maternal relatives are insane - boring and insane, which is quite the combination). But if your DH sees his siblings regularly then I can understand it might be an issue.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 11/01/2017 18:51

I wouldn't invite them all, there's a serious amount of back story that I can't go into as it's way to long and would probably out me but family politics.

I like what someone said about reminding him to treat everyone the same when he clearly doesn't. I just don't get how he doesn't realise that by not inviting them to stop people from becoming offended he's probably offending the ones that we do really get on with.

OP posts:

Mumzypopz · 11/01/2017 19:34

I think in theory he shouldn't have encouraged a better relationship with one lot of siblings and not others. By doing that, he has already created a rift. If my Bil invited out another BIL/SIL and not me, I'd think it was a bit rude.

sleeponeday · 12/01/2017 17:32

Well, if he's created a situation where one set are genuinely your friends, and the others aren't, then it's too late to tell you it's all or none. If you don't ask them, they may well be hurt - and they are actually your friends.

It's a really tough situation, and I don't think there is a right answer. I think you maybe have to consider the fallout of all the options, and go with the least worst.

He's being unreasonable, though, in setting this up and then not liking the consequences.

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