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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by ''I'll babysit''.

91 replies

User1234567891011 · 11/01/2017 07:38

Last night we had the family over and my SIL was discussing wanting to go out with her friends that week for lunch and my DB (her husband) said ''Don't worry, I'll babysit for you''.

They're his kids!

I've heard this said by men (my brothers and others) a lot like they're doing a favour by ''babysitting'' their own kids, instead of them just looking after them.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
elfycat · 11/01/2017 14:43

I've been told that 'I'm lucky' because DH does housework and babysits looks after the DDs etc etc.

No I'm not lucky. I wouldn't be married and have kids with anyone who didn't pull their weight.

Yes he works while I'm a SAHP/OU student/other income stuff, but I do more than 40 hours of child-wrangling and essential household tasks per week. After that all other work needed is share-able. I get a bit cross with the idea that SAHP are responsible for everything household.

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 14:54

corythatwas

And did anyone praise you for being a hands-on mum?

Yes they did.

if they would have praised a man under similar circumstances, then that seems a pretty fair definition of sexism.

A rather hypothetical definition of sexism.

Elfycat

I've been told that 'I'm lucky' because DH does housework... Yes he works while I'm a SAHP

Hmm.

I get a bit cross with the idea that SAHP are responsible for everything household.

That is a little unfair. I've no doubt you help him with his work too. Don't you?

user1484145673 · 11/01/2017 15:22

My soon to be ex, once told me not to tell anyone he was babysitting ! I was so mad .I said how can you be babysitting ? They are your children ??? Awful because he saw it as my job..like cooking , aparently that also my job.

WomanFromAnotherPlace · 11/01/2017 15:33

My partner wouldn't say 'babysitting', but my male friend does. For instance, friend will ask me if I'm coming out for a drink, I'll nearly always say I can't because it's normally during the week when partner is away (and I can't be arsed). My friend will always without fail text back with "oh, you babysitting tonight?"

My reply is always just 'Nope'. Smile

WomanFromAnotherPlace · 11/01/2017 15:39

Oh, and often get partner's mum on the phone asking me what I'm cooking for him.
When I said 'oh, don't know, I'll probably eat whatever he's cooking tonight' I can practically see the incredulous look on her face as she says "but he's been at WORK all day!!!" So fucking what? He'd have to cook if we weren't together anyway.

elfycat · 11/01/2017 17:46

ailPartout Well I don't understand the geek electronics stuff he does but I do his tax returns, listen sympathetically to any problems including his detailed descriptions of labelling wires and help him problem solve when his undiagnosed but bloody obvious autistic traits get him into hot water.

I must add that it's not DH saying I'm lucky to have his help, it wouldn't occur to him not to get on with the task that needs doing. It's people like my own, usually sensible, DM that are saying it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 19:31

I'm very curious to know what element of male biology means they naturally earn a higher salary

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 19:56

Cherry

I'm very curious to know what element of male biology means they naturally earn a higher salary

If that question was directed toward me, I didn't say "naturally", I said "more likely".

I said "women are more likely to take time out from their jobs (losing earning potential) to raise children."

You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a special cuddle and sometimes a baby appears in the mummy's tummy.... I'm sure I don't need to go on and explain why people who give birth to children and are able to feed them breastmilk are more likely to take significant amounts of time off work, usually at an important time in their careers. This has an effect on their promotions compared to thier peers and frequently retards their earning potential.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 20:06

Thanks for that patronising summarisation ail I am well aware of the reasons women take more maternity leave (and disagree to think it's a given that giving birth = lesssnpromotions, because for one that is illegal!) but actually it's this part I was interested in -

There are unchangeable biological reasons which make men more likely to provide financial support for their families

And what breastfeeding got to do with men perceiving that watching their children as 'babysitting'? What about mum's who formula feed, are their partner babysitters or parents?

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 20:26

Thanks for that patronising summarisation

You're welcome.

and disagree to think it's a given that giving birth = [fewer] promotions, because for one that is illegal!

that would be but being less likely to be promoted because you took time off to raise children and so lack the experience of someone who didn't isn't illegal.

And what breastfeeding got to do with men perceiving that watching their children as 'babysitting'?

I have no idea. What's the answer?
If you were referring to why I asserted men are more likely to provide financial support then:

Breastfeeding is usually better than formula. Many mothers (I did) take maternity leave, partly to enable this. I took 3 months off (3rd trimester) and 1 1/2 years after our first child was born. I was just pregnant again when due to start work and felt it would be unfair on my employers so stayed off work until our second was nearly 2 (as this coincided with the start of the academic year). I needed time to get back to the professional standard I was when I left. I returned to work as a deputy head having left as a headmistress. All in all, I'd say 2 children resulted in 7 years 'lost' to my career. If we work for 40 years then (rounding up and maths isn't my strong suit), I've lost 1/5 of my career to child birth. This gives the father quite a boost in earning potential and is why, I belive, there's a biological reason men are more likely to financially provide more for their family.

I said earlier that DH and I both call it babysitting and he actually spends more time with them than I do now.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 22:06

but being less likely to be promoted because you took time off to raise children and so lack the experience of someone who didn't isn't illegal

This would be considered sex discrimination, so yes illegals

And still not sure how your personal maternity leave choices are related to sexist language (which 'babysitting' is when only one sex is considered a babysitter)

ailPartout · 12/01/2017 00:20

CherryChasingDotMuncher

Hmm
DioneTheDiabolist · 12/01/2017 00:37

YANBU OP. I deal with it as I do people use "Pacific" when they mean "specific", or "draw" when they mean "drawers". Take a deep breath, have momentary (but detailed and intricate) homicidal fantasy, correct them sternly and move on while giving them "the look".Envy

Aki23 · 12/01/2017 09:02

I get annoyed by people who assume DH babysits his son or is off work for the day - hes the main carer!!!

SheldonCRules · 12/01/2017 17:53

YANBU, it's not baby sitting but simply parenting.

Both sexes are guilty over it though, lots of posts on here from mums saying they do the childcare but it's the same thing as babysitting. Both aren't true when they are your own.

RocketQueenP · 12/01/2017 18:00

YANBU op this boils my piss when used in the context of the man is doing his dp / dw a "favour" by having his own kids

In my experience it is usually only said by a very special type of twat of a shit partner / dad

Angry
NewRoadToHappinessxx · 12/01/2017 18:04

I think it's just a man thing my ex used to say it and so does my current dh even when I'm out at work!

My response is that it's not babysitting it's called parental responsibility!!! x

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 12/01/2017 18:06

If my hubby said that you'd hear me shouting at him in Aberdeen.

Lillithxxx · 12/01/2017 18:11

Wow - what a total hero he is doing that for her🙄

Dancergirl · 12/01/2017 18:15

YABU I've heard of women also 'babysitting' their children. It's just a word, I take it to mean staying in the house where children are sleeping, rather than doing stuff with them when they're awake.

Notmuchtosay1 · 12/01/2017 18:36

On the rare occasion I go out somewhere I have to ask my OH to babysit. (Once or twice a year) He's often out at various clubs and meetings. I'm always the one at home. So it needs pre arranging. But he aleays says "you wanted children, you look after them" I think he's a bit old fashioned. 😂

SnatchedPencil · 12/01/2017 18:39

YABU. He's offering to look after his kids so that his wife is free to go out. What's the fucking problem with that? Perhaps his choice of words was not to your liking, but it's really up to his wife to decide whether she "gets" his use of language or not. FFS he's doing something nice!

RaqsMax · 12/01/2017 18:55

In the early days of marriage, any time that he did a household chore my husband would say 'I've done the hoovering/washed the dishes/done the laundry for you' with a big smile; clearly expecting thanks/praise. I would always respond with 'I'm glad that you have done X as it needed doing, but you haven't done it for ME! It's a household task that needs doing and we work as a team...'
He doesn't say it anymore :)

cheval · 12/01/2017 18:56

Similarly. My ex used to say proudly 'I've put the rubbish out for you'.

MyCatsHateMLMtoo · 12/01/2017 18:58

"I'll do the dishes/hoovering/shopping for you".

Fuck the fuck off! Angry

DH very soon learned never to say those words...