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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by ''I'll babysit''.

91 replies

User1234567891011 · 11/01/2017 07:38

Last night we had the family over and my SIL was discussing wanting to go out with her friends that week for lunch and my DB (her husband) said ''Don't worry, I'll babysit for you''.

They're his kids!

I've heard this said by men (my brothers and others) a lot like they're doing a favour by ''babysitting'' their own kids, instead of them just looking after them.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 11/01/2017 08:34

My stock answer to the whole is your oh babysitting is "no, he's parenting" (with a head tilt). Seems to do the trick.

nooka · 11/01/2017 08:35

I think even if you are OK with using the term babysit for looking after your own children it's the 'for you' that I'd find very grating, as it suggests that it is the mother's role to look after their children and not the father's. That said it is a favour for either parent to take on sole parenting role (assuming children who need active caring) when they otherwise would be sharing it.

NavyandWhite · 11/01/2017 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colourmylife · 11/01/2017 08:44

I always get angry when I hear this. It's not babysitting if they're his children!

MouseLove · 11/01/2017 08:46

It makes me shudder. I'm so glad I'm not married to one of those kinda men. We each have our strengths in the home and some are stereotypical of our sex but some are certainly not. I'm also the "breadwinner" even though I rarely buy bread. 😜

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 08:54

Butterymuffin

It absolutely is sexism. For exactly the reason above.

What reason?

There are unchangeable biological reasons which make men more likely to provide financial support for their families whilst women are more likely to take time out from their jobs (loosing earning potential) to raise children.

doodlejump1980

My stock answer to the whole is your oh babysitting is "no, he's parenting" (with a head tilt). Seems to do the trick.

What trick is that? Making them feel uncomfortable. I'd happily tell you to get to fuck if you tried an arrogant 'trick' like that on me.

In my house, "parenting" is doing the shit part like carrying through a punishment, dealing with a tantruming toddler or arguing with a teenager over what constituted appropriate dress/behaviour.

Focus more on what someone means by their turn of phrase as opposed to being so judgemental.

paxillin · 11/01/2017 09:13

One of my bugbears, too. I asked a colleague who announced he's babysitting when his wife goes out who looks after his own kids whilst he's out babysitting others.

WhyOhWine · 11/01/2017 09:19

I think it is the babysit "for you" that is the problem, rather than just babysit.

DH and I both use the phrase "babysit" when one of us is going out without the other, e.g. "are you around to babysit if i go to some work drinks on Thursday". We just use it as a shorthand for checking that the other one does not already have plans/work commitments that night so will be in to look after the DC in order to determine whether it is necessary to book an actual babysitter (or stay in).

We see looking after the DC as a joint responsibility but recognise that there will be times when only one will be physically there.

FWIW I work full time and since we have had DC (now 12 and 13) DH has done a mixture of full time work, part time work and SAHD. We have both used the phrase babysit in the same way whether DH has been WOH or SAHD

WhyOhWine · 11/01/2017 09:21

I also dont think "he's parenting" is any better. Implies the one who is out is not parenting.

Toadinthehole · 11/01/2017 09:21

This thread is an interesting exercise in semantics.

robinofsherwood · 11/01/2017 09:22

It irritates me because its part of an overall assumption that dads are the 'spare' parent. Which is unfair on everyone.

I have friends who if they want to do something need to check if their partner has plans. Because the assumption is he's free to do what he wants, as she has the kids, unless specified otherwise.

Unless we're working we're both responsible for the children so any plans are discussed and we have equal capacity for time off.

I hate that my husband is considered 'a good dad'. Hes a 'good parent', he doesnt need a lower set of standards and a pat on the head for effort.

I hate that my husband struggles to get any flexibility at work because thats what Im for. What stopped him being a SAHP wasnt biology, it was knowing I could take a career break and come back to the same point in my career whereas people would assume there was something wrong with him. We initially tried to both go part time. He was basically asked if he was burnt out from having young twins and offered reduced hours for six months to help with stress. No consideration that he might want to be with his children.

mambono5 · 11/01/2017 09:23

YABU

I use it too. In a healthy relationship with normal parents, I can't see the problem at all. It's fine if you don't like YOUR DH to use it, but silly to be offended by other people.

It is irritating if you get offended when I am talking with my husband. Frankly, the way we organise childcare between us is none of your business.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/01/2017 09:43

We use 'babysit', 'look after' and jokingly as 'being on childcare duties'. The terms are interchangeable. Dh pulls his weight both around the house and with our dc so it means nothing. If it's relevant I'm also the biggest earner, though currently on mat leave. I agree that it's when it's accompanied by 'for you' that it becomes sexist.

ailPartout · 11/01/2017 10:36

robin

he doesnt need a lower set of standards and a pat on the head for effort.

No, but perhaps a different set of standards should you and he have a 'traditional' (perhaps now old-fashioned) reltationship where men have a better career and devote more of their life to attaining financial security for their family and SAHMs took the lions share of raising the children.

I have friends who if they want to do something need to check if their partner has plans.

Isn't that basic good manners? I would, as would my husband before committing to anything.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/01/2017 11:02

YDNBU.

I hate it when people say it about my ex when he has them. "Is Mr Away babysitting then?".

Err. No. He's looking after his children.

NapQueen · 11/01/2017 11:08

Yanbu. I get asked "who is babysitting?" Whenever I'm on a late shift at work. Errrrrrr. No one, the kids are at home with their dad.

Dh and I really do do 50/50 and I've found within my family that it's impossible for me to ever complain about any aspect of his personality "ahhh but he is dead good with the kids". Well, yes he is, amazing. But it'd be nice if he cleaned his own skiddies off the loo or plan dinner on his days off when I'm at work.

crazywriter · 11/01/2017 13:12

We use it between ourselves for each other BUT only when no one else is around or we know people get it the way we mean it. YANBU about the way it was said to your SIL. It's all about context and your BIL clearly thinks it is babysitting and not parenting!

littlemissangrypants · 11/01/2017 13:18

My ex also liked to babysit. I paid for it. £10 for every time he saw the kids. He had them frequently (every Saturday) for about 2 years as it was easy money. Once I stopped paying babysitting money he stopped seeing the kids as often.
No overnights in 4 years now for youngest. Eldest stayed with him for a week in summer as he didn't want to come on holiday. I paid dearly for that one. £100 for food, another £100 for entertainment plus money for teen to spend as well. Ex even had the cheek to ask what son liked to do with his free time.
I hate men that talk about babysitting their own flesh and blood.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 11/01/2017 13:56

My dp used to say this but he seems to have outgrown it.
A few years ago I told him a very close friend was in hospital and I was going too visit her. His response "and who is going too look after the children? Me I suppose?"

Absolutely furious! For weeks after I repeated his words every time he went to work, to the pub, popped to the shop, went too pursue his hobby. They're not just my kids they are his too!

Cuppaand2biscuits · 11/01/2017 13:57

For some reason autocorrect has changed most of my to's to too's!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 14:04

YANBU. I detest this, and it winds DH up when they ask if he'll be babysitting. He always makes a point of saying you don't babysit your own children.

If I'm ever out without DD (rare) I always get asked where she is, DH has never once been asked. Really gets my back up.

Also can't stand when people share crap on Facebook about what a good dad he is because he watches the kids while she bathed or some other such non-event. Get a fucking grip!

icanteven · 11/01/2017 14:07

Less smooth when in face to face conversation, but if anyone drops this kind of bullshit on FB, you can always direct them off to Man Who Has It All

5 New Year Resolutions for Working Dads

  1. Banish daddy guilt
  2. Get up earlier
  3. Be handsome
  4. Start a gratitude journal
  5. Smile more
corythatwas · 11/01/2017 14:08

ailPartout Wed 11-Jan-17 08:18:43

"I felt like the acknowledgement I was managing to be a hands-on Mum despite working my arse off at an important time in my career would have been lovely."

And did anyone praise you for being a hands-on mum? If they didn't praise you and if they would have praised a man under similar circumstances, then that seems a pretty fair definition of sexism.

SVJAA · 11/01/2017 14:10

It is also like a man being referred to as a "hands on dad". I've never heard a woman being described as a "hands on mum". It's complete sexism.

DP gets very annoyed being referred to as a "hands on dad" because to him, he's just being a dad the only way he knows how. It doesn't make him special in his eyes, it's just what needs to be done. He also gets pissed off if people ask if he's babysitting and responds that he's not babysitting because he's their dad.

butterfliesandzebras · 11/01/2017 14:32

Agree with others that its the notion that a a man is doing the mum a favour ('for you' etc) by looking after his own kids that is offensive, not necessarily the term babysitting.

I was looking at an advert for a changing bag and it described the unisex design as a feature meaning your partner wouldn't be embarrassed when carrying it for you. Because a man carrying a bag of his own child's nappies and bits is not doing it for himself, or even for his child, but as a favour to the child's mother....