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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take this further

59 replies

Raggydolly3 · 10/01/2017 22:22

I work for a charity and we have a board of trustees. I really like my job, The CEO of the charity has always been a very changable- one minute fine and the next pulling you to peices but she is like that with everyone.
I had a miscarriage on Sunday but managed to get in to work Yesterday (Monday).
I told the CEO what had happened and that I was still bleeding quite a bit but would do my best to stay in. She replied it was prob best I was in to take my mind of it which was my way of thinking as well.
Today I was in work and got to about lunchtime when I started bleeding really heavily, I changed my pad a few times but I started bleeding though to the chair, I was also having really bad cramps by this point. I went to our deputy manager who told me to go straight home and not to worry. (CEO was not in)
Tonight had a text from the CEO asking why I went home so I explained about the bleeding and the fact it wa coming through the pads into the chair.
I have just had a text back saying "why would you be bleeding so heavy now if you had the miscarriage on Sunday and could you not have worn a thicker pad or two at once and changed them more often"
It's has really upset me and I don't know if I should report it to our board of trustees or should I just forget it, she does have a reputation for holding a grudge.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2017 23:02

I'd either speak to her in person, if you feel strong enough, or report this comment.

The idea that you should go into work after a miscarriage is totally wrong, but I understand why you did it. The fact you continued bleeding means you should be totally free to go home or seek medical help.

Can I just suggest you have some medical help if necessary. I had a miscarriage a long time ago (about a decade ago) and continued to bleed and there was some 'tissue' left inside, which they discovered with a scan, and this needed to be removed with what was then called a D and C.

I really hope all will be well. Just as an aside one of the things offered to me at the hospital was to write in a special book about my miscarriage, which I found helpful. Thinking of you.

RB68 · 10/01/2017 23:02

It is NEVER worth putting yourself second to an organisation - charity or otherwise you should never have gone in - go and get signed off.

LifeBeginsNow · 10/01/2017 23:04

Sorry for your loss. I know how it feels and I think you are very right to be upset by your boss. That was heartless and vile of her.

With mine, it was my first pregnancy and I was distraught. My blood loss happened mainly on the one day and calmed down a lot by the next. Even so, I was given a sick note at hospital more for my mental health. I really appreciated the time to get my head around it and my husband was also given time off so we did nice couple things together to make sure we communicated.

It's true taking your mind off things helps but you need supportive people around you. I'd reconsider a little time off, especially in light of what your boss said.

mumofthemonsters808 · 10/01/2017 23:06

Ive read some awful things on here over the years, but this takes some beating. She's a heartless bitch and she needs reprimanding for her lack of empathy and she also needs educating about miscarriages.I have a theory about returning to work when you are not fully recovered and it is proved time and time again: nobody is any better thought of when they push themselves to go in work, the effort is barely acknowledged, appreciated or recognised and it's very easy forgotten.I'd go to my Gp and get signed off on the sick,Id then report her to the board, hopefully next time she'll think before she treats another women so badly.Im so sorry to hear how you've been treated after your sad loss.

mineofuselessinformation · 10/01/2017 23:13

I'd go further up the line and report her. Don't respond to her communications.
I think you should also see your GP and get signed off for a good while. If you're still bleeding heavily, as much as work is a good distraction, you're in no condition to be away from home.
Sorry you're going through this.

Elfieselfie · 10/01/2017 23:14

Absolutely shocking. I'm sorry for your loss. I would raise a grievance for that. What a heartless bitch.

cornflowerblu · 10/01/2017 23:17

Absolutely outrageous, when you feel strong enough I would certainly consider having a conversation with your Chair because this is utterly unacceptable. I always went to work after several miscarriages, I certainly didn't need to be at home so I'm with you on coming into work but you should never be criticised for needing to leave to deal with a m/c

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 10/01/2017 23:22

sorry for your loss
Report her - awful

Benedikte2 · 10/01/2017 23:22

Get yourself checked over OP as you may require a D&C. Better to be safe than sorry, as they say.
You were very brave to go in on Monday and how dare your CEO question your need to go home. She is also questioning the judgment of your manager.
Look after yourself. People who have no experience of miscarriage seem to think it is nothing at all, whereas to the parents it's a tragedy every time.
Good luck

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 10/01/2017 23:22

Response

nursy1 · 10/01/2017 23:23

That's simply awful. Reminds me of reports on that poor woman who had a miscarriage in the loo at Sports Direct or was it the Amazon warehouse
Some employers have awful attitudes - if your workplace under her influence generally has a culture like the above and you want to keep your job then I'd agree with Bluntness. However it's an appalling state of affairs and just generally a bad wAy to behave so if you feel you can and would be supported, report the cow!

Hohumming · 10/01/2017 23:26

I'm sorry you went through a miscarriage and now this. Would you think about going to your GP and getting some time off? Even if you stop bleeding, maybe you need time to grieve and heal.

FWIW absolutely you should bring it further but I have to say that I would never have got into how much I was bleeding at work other than perhaps one very close colleague and never with my boss.

Something happened to me when I returned to work after a miscarriage and I was very sorry afterwards that I didn't bring it further at the time.

ellamoromou · 10/01/2017 23:34

Absolutely take it further OP, this is beyond disgusting behaviour. Anyone who could think this was remotely OK is beyond contempt tbh.

Sorry for your loss and hard to do I know but please don't let her upset you - people like her aren't worth a second thought, they're what my mam calls 'wrong uns' :)

Foxysoxy01 · 10/01/2017 23:39

Awful woman!

I would report and take it as far as you possibly can for yourself as well as anyone else that might have the joy of working for her!

Isyss · 10/01/2017 23:45

wow how ignorant and insensitive
sorry op hope you're okay

Gooseberryfools · 10/01/2017 23:52

Text her back 'Im not in a situation to discuss this. I'm in pain miscarrying'

Then report.

Stupid woman

Wdigin2this · 11/01/2017 00:01

What on earth were you thinking of, to go into work the day after a miscarriage?! You should have at least had a week to get over the bleeding....not to mention the emotional upheaval!

ellamoromou · 11/01/2017 00:11

What on earth were you thinking of, to go into work the day after a miscarriage?! You should have at least had a week to get over the bleeding....not to mention the emotional upheaval!

Seriously? That's your response to someone who has lost her baby and got no empathy from her CEO and you're questioning her thought process?

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2017 00:14

The OP said why she went in.

OP thinking of you. [hugs]

scottishdiem · 11/01/2017 00:20

Um. Why is the CEO texting you in the first place. Is there not a formal policy for communications, sick leave, being sent home etc. I used to be a CEO of a small charity. All the employees reported to me but I would never contact staff like that when they have been sent home. Also, offering health advice is usually against the rules as this would make the staff member more ill.

I would complain about the failure to follow procedure as well as lacking in any sympathy.

Do different Board members have different roles when it comes to HR issues? Are they all equal or is the Chair a leader and if so, are they very good friends with the CEO? Depending on what you want to do and how the relationship between CEO and Board I would consider emailing each Board member to make sure the issue is addressed. You may also want to raise a grievance.

EineKleine · 11/01/2017 00:38

Self certify sick, get signed off after 5 days if you need to. See how you feel about her actions next week and decide whether to take it further then. There's no urgency to decide now, the important thing is to look after you.

Unfortunately you will do yourself no favours in her eyes if you carry on struggling into work, and the charity will get by without you for a few days.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/01/2017 00:46

. Sorry for your loss Raggy. Yes definately report the cold hearted bitch, but. Consider yourself told off for going into work when you were in no bloody fit state. You don't get any better thought of

KoalaDownUnder · 11/01/2017 00:50

What did I just read?!

She is appalling. How dare she?? Please take this further.

for you.

Original poster

Raggydolly3 · 11/01/2017 01:09

Thanks for the advice. The bleeding has calmed down but I have made an appointment with my GP.

She can be horrible but never this bad before with me but she has been with others. She is very friendly with the trustees in fact one of them is her brother!!!! He is not the chair though.
She really does not think much of accidents or illness. One of my colleagues got told off for using the accident book after he had burnt his hand with the kettle as it would now have to be looked into, he was also told to remove the bandage he had put on and not be so soft.

Even worse another collegue got an electric shock through a faulty appliance, went to A&E, reported back to his line manager who made the CEO aware and she never even asked how he was (he was ok but was thrown half way across the room)
At times though she can be so nice, it's as if she has a total split personality. She can just turn in a second.

Very annoyingly her nephew recently been employed (no interview!!!) he was doing some cover but has now suddenly become permanent. He is useless but totally gets away with it. He has a fear of using certain IT systems and the phone, all she says is allowences have to be made.

In fact they have just recruited in that department and a fab member of staff who was also doing some cover work did not get the role and someone unqualified and inexperienced did. The rumour is this member of staff was not given the job because she would have totally shown the nephew up.
As I write this I realise the trustees must be as bad for going along with all this as they need to ok her decisions. Really don't know what to do as I don't think going to them would do any good

OP posts:

Pallisers · 11/01/2017 01:14

Agree with all the other advice and reading your last post, honestly, I'd be thinking about finding a new job.

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