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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how necessary the support network is

64 replies

friendswithacat · 10/01/2017 19:37

Please note I'm not being an arsehole here but if we could try to avoid the 'well I have two parents, a brother, a sister and all my grandparents are still alive but they all live at least an hour away!' comments as I could do with hearing from people in comparable situations.

So with that disclaimer - anyone else raising children with NO support from extended family (dead or abroad really) and how do you find it?

Do you not miss what you've never had?

Or is it hard?

OP posts:

unlucky83 · 11/01/2017 10:19

bratsy is that temporary foster care? The hospital told me that was an option through social services but they would need to get an order and it couldn't be just for few hours. And they gave me the impression I would need to be assessed to get her back. It didn't seem like an easy option.
Although I guess the service was stretched and they needed to keep spaces for people who really had no other option so they were trying to put me off going down that route (and it worked!)

brasty · 11/01/2017 10:22

Actually a children's home. And yes, they would want to put you off to keep costs down.

brasty · 11/01/2017 10:23

I am guessing they wouldn't do it just for a few hours as they would think you should just pay for child care if that is all you need.

SquatBetty · 11/01/2017 10:31

Kind of - our immediate family are 20-30 miles away but

We rarely ask any of them to babysit (plus they don't offer!) as we're not that bothered about going out as a couple plus we like going out with our DS.

Both our DMs are dead and my DF is too frail to look after a small child. My FIL is much younger and in better shape but never offers to baby sit (although seems quite happy to help baby sit his partner's many grandchildren).

But the biggest thing is that I'm a SAHM which makes all the difference when it comes to childcare. So at the moment we can manage OK without a support network plus we've been lucky and have had no major emergencies since DS has been born.

unlucky83 · 11/01/2017 10:32

I would have happily paid for childcare ...but I didn't think there was any available. She was in FT nursery but that was during the day on weekdays and she'd never had a babysitter - so I didn't have that option. If they had given me details of an agency or something - but they didn't. (Not sure if there are any here anyway - we aren't in a big city etc - as far I know there is still no organised childcare available on weekends/evening etc).

brasty · 11/01/2017 12:11

There are national sites to find childcare or a child minder. Sometimes a childminder will do evenings/weekend as a one off.

DireTires · 11/01/2017 12:21

Ours are all over the world. None where we live. We've done it for 15 years and if we hadn't had the money to pay for help I don't know what we would have done. I have been SAHM the whole time but have been very ill and had chronically ill child so we had FT nannies for about 12 years.

And I still have to hire help to go with me to hospital for one poorly DC as I simply can't manage on my own as he finds it so stressful that he won't be separated from me for second. And then hire someone to keep things ticking over at home when I am in hospital with him!

Neighbours and friends have been a help too but only as much as we could reciprocate.

In retrospect, I think I was quite naive as to how difficult it would be without family but then not sure that any of our family would have been much help anyway.

DJBaggySmalls · 11/01/2017 12:29

I had no support and no money and it was hard. It wasnt my choice and I wouldnt want to do it again.

Clandestino · 11/01/2017 12:36

No family around except for the three of us (DH, DD and me) + two cats.
It can be difficult at times but at the same time you don't get any family dramas, arguments about who to spend the Christmas Day/St. Stephen's Day or weekends with. Everything has to be planned well in advance.
Sometimes I envy people who have a handy babysitter in the form of a Grandma but it's doable. Considering the family dramas I had when I was a child, I relish the fact that I have nobody sticking their noses into our family life.

HardcoreLadyType · 11/01/2017 12:39

We have no family support.

One set of GPs, and all siblings from that side are abroad. The other set are 3 hours away, and elderly.

We had nannies when the DC were younger, and we work from home, so can be flexible with our hours, and also can be available for older children, without having to take much time away from work.

I do believe it is harder and more expensive without that extended family, but we have made it work. I would hope to be there for my DC, if they decide to have children in the future.

Barbie222 · 11/01/2017 17:05

I'm in a similar situation as in laws don't involve themselves. We just do stuff we can take the children to, no adult stuff really. I've met a lot of people in the same boat. I don't really mind anymore!

Hellofromtheoutside2 · 11/01/2017 19:29

We moved abroad with a tiny baby and had no suppory network at all (and a language barrier) and managed fine... I only worked part time so met other mums through groups, and my husband's colleagues made a big effort to help us integrate. I felt comfortable calling a colleague for advice when our dog was attacked and she didn't just advise, she drove round, put the bleeding dog in her car, drove us to her vet and stayed to make sure I understood everything. Not sure my colleagues here would do that! Also lots of offers for friends/colleagues' daughters to babysit. Expat community also guaranteed us a circle of sorts, though in the end few of our good friends were from these groups. We were in a Latin American country so culture of family and helping others may have played its part. The frustrations we had were more to do with what we saw as almost excessive interest in our baby and the huge cultural differences in child rearing... I developed a thick skin and now have lots of empathy for foreign mothers here who might be looked at strangely for their methods!!

We are now back in the UK but several hours from nearest relative and no friends locally. It has been much harder. But I am working full time so can't make friends through baby groups and Brits are a bit harder to make close friends with from scratch, in my experience!! ( I am British!)

You manage fine because that's what you do...

One tiny thing that upset me (perhaps irrationally) was that I literally had nobody to write down as an emergency contact for my daughter's nursery, as we didn't know anybody at all here. When we were abroad a colleague I had literally known for a few days volunteered unprompted to be our emergency contact and told me she was happy to be my daughter's 'mama latina'!!

Caterina99 · 11/01/2017 22:12

We are abroad with no family nearby and a toddler. It is hard and I do worry occasionally about what I'd do in an emergency. A friend from baby group with no local family either asked me if I would look after her DD in that situation so we have an agreement that she would do the same for me. That gives me some peace of mind.

And yes i did feel a bit sad when my DSs only emergency contacts for nursery are me and DH.

228agreenend · 11/01/2017 22:15

Not dead or abroad, but no active help from families on an everyday basis. One set moved away, and the other didn't volunteer, apart from maybe one babysitting per year. They did help during a family emergency (came and stayed).

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