To wonder how necessary the support network is

[friendswithacat]

Please note I'm not being an arsehole here but if we could try to avoid the 'well I have two parents, a brother, a sister and all my grandparents are still alive but they all live at least an hour away!' comments as I could do with hearing from people in comparable situations.

So with that disclaimer - anyone else raising children with NO support from extended family (dead or abroad really) and how do you find it?

Do you not miss what you've never had?

Or is it hard?

When we had our first child we lived 500 miles away from family. Never once in the 10 years we lived away did they visit. Travelled the length of the country when dd was tiny so both families could meet her. No one came. Thankfully in teaching so holidays covered but really hard juggling the periods of childhood illness. After second child was born moved back nearer home (still 3 hr journey to in laws). Still no visits to see us, and my family, including slightly younger brother and sister, not interested unless we were throwing a celebration and they could come and drink, promise the kids the earth then swan off. Again thankfully holidays covered due to being a teacher and muddled through inservices. Have 4 children now, oldest is 21 and never have any of them stayed over or been babysat by family members. It is hard especially as we live in an area where lots of friends have lots of family involvement. Once asked my brother if he could perhaps spend as hour every now and again with my son as my husband worked away for a couple of years. Lots of promises but no time spent. My brother is now having a baby very soon. Will I be there for him and his wife? Of course I will as no way would I want anyone to feel as isolated as I did. My children are funny, kind and undemanding so no worries about not behaving. Do I wish I hadn't moved back to home town. Yes I do! We lived in a beautiful part of the country but thought things would be better if we moved home. Big mistake. Now live in a dismal part of Scotland but thankfully with lovely children. We coped without family nearby and with family nearby. And we are proud of how they turned out despite having no family input.

Nc with my 'family', pil live 7 hour drive away. Me, dh, 4 dcs. I think its not neccessary but maybe helpful.we rarley ask friends for help, pil are okish but not that helpful. We just get on with it. Oh and use childcare

Me! I was a single parent for over 10 years with absolutely no family support (dead/NC). One of my DC has a learning disability which caused a lot of very challenging behaviour and meant that friends were few and far between and we were permanently skint as I was unable to go out to work (carers allowance really doesn't go very far!). Basically, it was incredibly tough and isolating... but... the DC are now grown and wonderful and looking back, I'm really proud of what my little family achieved. We did manage to make happy memories and have remained very close.
Given the choice, it would be much better to have a support network and I wouldn't wish the hard times on anyone, but when there isn't a choice, it is possible to have a lovely family on your own 😁

Had none. Family abroad or dead, as you said.

Very very tough when dc were little as I also had no friends with dc in the area we moved to.
I worked very hard and creating an alternative support network of friends. Not just for the practical or emotional support but also to give the dc a sense of extended family, places were they could feel 'at home'.
Eveb this was hard, having to be very open to new people etc.
It paid off. Now it is very very easy.

I have friends I have made in the town I live in, mostly through the children. There are 4 people I could call on tonight if one of the DDs needed to go to hospital, to look after the other. I would do the same for them (2 single parents out of my 4).

DH works away 50% of the time. It might take him 24+ hours to get home, and he'd need to travel back to work as soon as possible (the other 50% he's a SAHP). My parents are 3-4 hours away, and would be available and willing to come some of the time, but they go away to Spain for weeks at a time now that they are retired. Once every year or so they babysit overnight so I can go away for 10th anniversary meals etc.

I can get to the point where I need help but there's no one around. Get the arthritis-like symptoms with slapped cheek disease? Cry with pain while changing nappies or any other hand movements, but cracked on. Get proper flu? Cry with exhaustion when making the most basic snacks for DDs and listen to Disney films/kids while half passed out of the sofa. Broken hand? Yeah same old, same old.

It would have to be a child needing me to stay with them overnight in hospital, or going myself before I ask for help.

OP of course it's hard; you may not have had the family support but you'll know people who have got it and take it for granted - the working parents who get free childcare - and/or those who get lovely weekends having extended family get together etc. But friends count for a lot and you can make your own family of friends for mutual support.

My family (dad, brother, mum) are all dead. FIL is also dead, and MIL in her mid-eighties - no practical or emotional support and we don't see her very often. Husband works long hours and is out the house 12 to 14 hours per day. We live at the other end of the country to my friends.

My daughter is a year old, and I am exhausted. I've never had a night away from her. She was 10 months old before I left her with a babysitter for a few hours. I get so jealous of people who can call their parents to take the kids for a few hours. So jealous. Especially when I'm bone tired, or sick. I genuinely don't think we were meant to raise children alone.

I made friends where we live on a superficial level through NCT, but no one I could call in an emergency.

I've found it so hard that we're moving to my hometown so that I at least have my childhood friends close by.

I do believe in soldiering on and being fiercely independent but I also think, having learnt it the hard way, that learning to aski, receive and give help/support are as important.

Asking for help is very very hard I found and so is giving it. But it enriches everyone's life and makes it easier all around.

We're abroad. DH is from country A, I am from country B, live in country C and he is currently working in country D. He's away for 2mths at a time and will be to the end of the year most likely.

We have 2 DC and expecting another in 10weeks. So it's a pretty stressful, crappy time. I have a couple of newish friends. I hate asking for help, I don't want to put people out. Realistically I could go into labour before he gets back and it's not a good scenario to be in.

I keep saying why the hell are the Dc and I in country C when we could be back in country A with help around the corner.

And it is necessary to have someone, at least one person you can rely on. In the last 8yrs we've been through 2 MC, a cancer scare, a preemie that didn't make it, and a health issue diagnosed in Dc2. With no family support (apart from MIL for a month when baby DD died).

I fell apart after that, DH fell apart and our family almost disintegrated. I am. Or ally a very resilient person and indépendant, but life throws enough shit at you, and you just want some help, from people who know you, really know you.

I'm back home now, but when my older children were babies we had no family support. We lived in a town with a lot of incomers so all my friends (that I met at baby groups etc) were in the same boat so we would babysit for each other etc. When DS1 started school the secretary rang me to ask was I sure there was no one else other than DH and me to be emergency contact, which made me a bit sad as there really wasn't - my best friend had moved abroad and other friends had gone back to work. Not helped by her pointing out 'most people have a great long list'

Both sets of grandparents live abroad and yes it's very tough. You either need good reliable paid help who become like family or your quality life takes a huge hit. It wasn't so bad when I wasn't working but both trying to work and having young DC with no local family support is hard going IME. It's the who will take the day off when DC are ill fights. And the sadness of realising how many lovely times the DC are missing out on by not living near any family.

It all put things into sharp relief when DC2 was born and we thought we might have to take DC1 to the hospital with us or I'd be labouring alone if DH stayed with DC1.

My in laws live 10 minutes away and my own parents about 20 mins away so I am really lucky in that sense. It will come in useful for childcare when I go back to work however I haven't relied on either sets of GPs much so far as I have established a routine with my DS and would prefer to do everything myself.

Yes at times I struggle and DH and I argue about it ("if you can't cope, for gods sake swallow your pride and tell MIL") but the way I see it is that this is my time now, I'm on maternity leave to raise my child, not to give my DS to somebody else and go off on little outings or pamperings. I'll have plenty of time to do that when he's older.

My approach caused a bit of friction with the ILs in the early days because MiL especially who is retired, wanted to see him literally every day, whether that meant she came around to ours or we went around there. I tolerated it for the first month but put my foot down (via DH) after that; I like my own space and on top of that I don't feel that my child should be used to fill a void in somebody else's life. I do all sorts of daily sensory activities and games with my DS - the majority of which involve me prancing about and singing like an idiot - and I cant do that with somebody sat there looking at me.

It's all calmed down now, we see the iLs twice a week at least; they know when they get their time with the baby and we know when we have to sacrifice our time. Works so much better

I live in the US and family are all in the UK. Would be nice to be nearer, I know they would have helped out loads as I saw the support my sister had. However, moving overseas was our choice so we just got on with it. It's been fine, we've managed with good friends to help in emergencies. Kids are now teens so not as much of an issue.

It's tough. We have no family nearby, nor old friends and are skint. Plus DP has ongoing health issues which mean he isn't able to help with a lot of with physical tasks.

If any one of those was different it would be so much easier.

But, would I do it again? In a heartbeat, the DC are worth it a thousand times over.

My family live in another country, 8 hours flight away. My in laws are in the same country but are still 12 hours drive or a 2 hour flight away, they're too elderly to travel to us. If we want to go out for a meal/ see a movie we take a day off work while DS is at school, we don't have a babysitter. It is hard work, but on the plus side, I don't have to post on AIBU about my in laws/ family as I rarely, if ever, see them so they don't get the chance to annoy me

No family.
I have periods of longing for the type of grandparents I see at swimming and In the park. It passes. I think we'll be those GP's one day. I do hope so.

We don't have anyone, no friends etc to ask favours of so if we can't do it, we don't do it.

I feel like we're fiercely independent and self reliant.

Me, I do have one brother that lives in the same city as me (opposite ends though and he works full time) and whilst I could count on him in an emergency, I have nothing else for help.

I'm a single parent as my Dh is dead, my dad is also dead, all of Dh family live abroad and my mum is in a rest home 200 miles away, in the same town another brother lives and I'm NC with my other brother.

I'm lucky I do have two close friends that I could rely on an emergency, one that lives in the same village as me and she's also a single parent so we've helped each other out loads on the childcare front over the years.

Even when I lived in the same town as my parent's when my dd was a baby my mum never offered to babysit. So since dd was about 3 I've never had anyone else.

It's been ok, I just wish Dh and I got some more time together just us as a couple, I remember bringing dd to our anniversary dinner at a child friendly restaurant because we had no babysitter.

That said, my mum is an extremely difficult woman and my Mil I cannot stand so maybe it's a blessing...

I think your distinction of "dead or abroad" is a bit of an odd one in terms of support really.

I have friends whose family all live abroad but they are emotionally close, Skype daily etc, help financially, come and stay every year, etc. Is that not support?

I also have friends who are completely no contact with their family who live round the corner. Does that count as support?

Also people who see their parents (for example) daily as they are elderly - maybe have dementia - and they see them to provide care for them

Some people have family who live an hour away who would drop everything to help in an emergency. Some people have family who live an hour away who they may speak to regularly but who would never provide any actual support.

What if you see your family regularly but have a difficult/abusive/controlling relationship with them? Is that support?

Some people have family who are all dead or abroad but are surrounded by hugely supportive friends or are part of a supportive community (eg through a church)

"Support" isn't so clear cut that either its there or it's not.

Ah downward I went through that when DD1 started school. Needed 3 emergency contacts and I only had DP and I locally -but I thought the third was only for real dire emergencies - say if DP and I had been in an accident or something so put my parents number down (other end of the country) and got called into the school to be be told that they had to be local and to put down someone else -and the embarrassment of saying I really didn't have anyone.
I am (or was) fiercely independent - (long story but I was thrown out by my family when I was 17, went to live 300 miles away and it took many years and a trauma for us to have a better relationship) so I am really self sufficient. I don't like asking for help. I don't understand why people need someone to eg go to hospital appts with them for 'support'.

But having DC changes that - they are dependent on you (and DP/H if they are around) - if for whatever reason you can't be there for them you need backup.
I found that out with the experience I mentioned up thread - I hadn't thought about it before but I guess I would have supposed that hospitals would have some kind of short term care for the children of emergency patients -a creche or something - and they don't.

To enable me to ask for help and support, I made a real effort to make friends and always volunteer when I can to help out if the opportunity arises. The problem is that most seem to already have their support networks (family etc) and are less likely to need me to help than I am to need them....but I always offer and that makes it easier for me to ask for their help if I need it.

I live in a country not my own but DH's. We are near his family but they have been no help - despite all 5 famil members living within a 4 mile radius. They are either busy or old. We see DH's family fairly regularly, they are all very nice, but haven't offered anything and have rather begrudgingly helped out in in emergencies (eg when I was in hospital).

We have great friends and if there was some huge emergency, I we could rely on them.

DS is 5yo and we have never been out without him: anniversary dinner, cinema etc.

My DM came to visit us in our tiny flat for 3 weeks after DS was born, I was in agony, horrific birth, DS had terrible colic, I had PTSD. My mother did nothing. Not a naply change or a pram push or a teacup washed up. DS was born in December, my DM hasn't been invited for Christmas since (she lives alone).

So, we do it alone. I get times when I am jealous but hey ho that's life.

I have cared for children who have been placed in temporary care because their mum is having an operation, and there is no one to care for them. Not ideal, but it does provide a safety net.

Actually my eagerness to volunteer put me in a bit of a tricky situation.
I have a friend who has helped me out a lot. She has her mum close by who has given her great support but is getting frail. Friend worked part time so did most of the child care. Her DH got away with not really having to change his plans/take time off work/be 'inconvenienced' for years. She has now gone back full time and is trying to get him to step up more.
I didn't know that...so when he told me he would pick up our older DCs who were messing around and ended up needing a lift from miles away- I volunteered and went.

I also offered to do anything I could to help when she had D&V and he nearly snatched my hand off - said he would get her to let me know what I could do but she never did. Later I found out he'd had to eg miss out on a hobby to take DC to an activity and finish work early (he's self employed) to take another DC to buy a friend's birthday present .... things I could have happily done. When I said that, she basically told me to stop offering him help... seems instead of helping her I'd been hindering .

We did 3.5 years of living abroad with 2 tiny children. We knew no one except for 2 of DH's work colleagues when we arrived. It was tough at times, but we did eventually create our own little support network of friends and regular babysitters.

I think the hardest think is when you meet people who take having extended family around for granted, and just can't believe that you don't have anyone. When I enrolled DS at preschool I felt really uncomfortable because his teacher couldn't believe we didn't have an emergency contact who could come and collect DS during the day if I was unavailable. We were living in a very family orientated place and nearly every other child in his class had very involved grandparents who did pick ups and drop offs.
Eventually one of the other mothers took pity on me and let me put name down.