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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dp's excuse is ridiculous

74 replies

Zoflorabore · 09/01/2017 23:24

Hi, haven't bothered to name change though am embarrassed by the situation.

Was torn between here and Relationships but I know I will get told straight here.

So a bit of background-known dp for around 18 years, were in the same social circles etc, there was an attraction but nothing happened.
I then met the father of my ds and didn't see much of dp for years though often thought about him.

Me and ds dad broke up, me and dp got together properly a few years along the line.
He was very sexually inexperienced but I never made it an issue.

Couple of years in, he moved in and we eventually had our dd.
Ds is almost 14 and dd is almost 6.

Relationship has been rocky, feels like there are two separate families under one roof, he finds fault with ds a lot. Ds has autism.

To cut to the chase, without bringing up the millions of reasons the relationship is utterly crap, he is completely uninterested in sex.

He has never had a high sex drive, I accepted that.
For the last 6-9 months on the rare occasion it has happened, he has been very strange and has not been able to ejaculate.

Again, soft arse here is very understanding.

For various reasons it has all kicked off tonight and he told me that the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me is because I make him sick as I help ds with washing his hair and with his school shirt and tie and as he is fully developed ( he is like a man ) it's putting him off me

I have never heard of anything so pathetic, ds is high functioning and pretty independent, he has an active social life and tons of friends but needs help with a few things.

Dp will not take any responsibility for the situation and blames my ds for everything, I'm so angry. I feel neglected and to be honest I want him gone. House is mine and I told him that nobody will come before my children.

Aibu to think this is a smokescreen?
I have little niggles that he's maybe gay, call it gut instinct. I don't know.

Sorry for such a long post, I need to get this out, my family are going through hell at the moment with a terrible situation so I don't want to burden them.
Thanks for reading, zoflo :)

OP posts:

eggsandwich · 10/01/2017 12:47

Quite frankly he needs to grow up, when you both entered into the relationship, you already had your son, so he knew you were already a package.
Does your Dp not understand about Autism and that there will be times when he needs your help. To me it sounds like there is a lot of jealousy underneath his excuses, and that he is using your son as an easy excuse for his problems in the bedroom rather than facing up to him actually having an issue.
I would say its time for a serious chat!

Serialweightwatcher · 10/01/2017 12:54

He doesn't sound like a very nice person - the way you write it, you know he doesn't treat you properly in any way - calling you lazy and putting all the blame at ds's door is easy for him and he doesn't seem to want to make it work ... he sounds jealous of your relationship with your son which is a bad foundation to begin with. It's easy to say leave him because I don't know him but he doesn't sound good for you and you deserve better

Tenshidarkangel · 10/01/2017 13:01

He knew what he was entering into when he go with you.

LTB.

Benedikte2 · 10/01/2017 13:06

OP pull the plug before he drains all your self esteem, DS's as well.
You sound amazing in what you are doing every day, taking care of everyone's needs but your own. You certainly deserve so much better.
Your basic needs of a stable home and supportive family are there so what's to lose except your abusive partner who has allowed his parents to infantilise him. He needs a mother not a wife, but the problem for him there is the incest taboo.
Good luck

MLGs · 10/01/2017 13:09

Please get rid of him. He sounds horrible. You are in a good situation in that the house is yours and so you can just ask him to leave.

Musicinthe00ssucks · 10/01/2017 13:22

Oh OP. I'm so sorry for you. Obviously we can't comment on whether this is a smoke screen but you know that, even without your suspicions of his sexuality, he needs to go. You can't move on from how dismissive he is of your DS's learning difficulties and the fact that he is so repulsed that you are being nothing more than a good mum.

RandomMess · 10/01/2017 13:23

Blimey your life will improve so much when you get rid of him, don't forget you can put in a claim for Tax credits as a lone parent and for Child Maintenance as soon as you tell him it's over and you stop lifting a finger for him!

Jaxhog · 10/01/2017 13:30

Have you thought about some couples counselling?

FrutiFlutey · 10/01/2017 13:35

I would leave any man that dared so much as to look at my children wrong.

You need to leave him, and now. Your poor ds.

saltydogandme · 10/01/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/01/2017 13:38

What a fucking twat he sounds. Please leave.

Evilstepmum01 · 10/01/2017 13:41

Couples Counselling I dont think is the answer. I'm disgusted with your DP and how he treats DS. No doubt DS notices DP's slights and that must hurt him.
LTB but I think you know that! Get your dad to 'help' him move out, then enjoy your life, watch your son bloom and your daughter be less ruined!

Good luck!

Cloudylemons · 10/01/2017 13:45

Do you know, I wouldn't even question it in this case, I'd just get rid of him, whatever his problems are. What a horrible man. Good luck to you op, you'll have a much nicer life without him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/01/2017 13:55

He sounds like the worst kind of mummy's boy - the kind that doesn't even like his mother very much! No independence, no self-awareness... just a huge sense of entitlement. How dare you give attention to your son that he feels should be his!

Foxysoxy01 · 10/01/2017 14:03

Well he sounds like an absolute delight as does his darling mother!

I would have his bags ready for him this evening if I was you.
It sounds like it would be better all round for him to not be there anymore, especially with the spoiling of your DD hopefully you could then lay down some better ground rules etc for her.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2017 14:07

Have you thought about some couples counselling?
As many others have said, he sounds abusive.
It is NEVER EVER recommended to have counselling with an abuser so put that idea right out of your head.
You know what you want now and you know what you need to do.
So time to get an action plan together.

user1472334322 · 10/01/2017 14:12

He sounds like a right git...ltb definitely asap! I can't believe how he treats your ds. How horrible! Also, what is wrong with you helping with ds shirt and tie? Those top buttons are bloody difficult and a tie is definitely not the easiest to do either! Does ds have fine motor skills issues or anything like that? I'd imagine those two tasks are very hard for him if so. My friend's ds is autistic (only 5 right now) and has real trouble holding a pencil correctly etc.
I'd say get him out asap as you and ds will feel much happier. It sounds like it would be best for dd too as the spoiling he does could cause issues when she's older.
Good luck to you op and stay strong!

ChuckSnowballs · 10/01/2017 14:21

Jaxhog - Have you thought about some couples counselling?

Hopefully not, as counselling with abusers is not recommended.

OP yes, you need to get him out of your house and life.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/01/2017 14:23

Not only will you be fine without him, you will be happier, healthier and your children will be better off.

He brings nothing positive into the relationship and it sounds like the weight is already being lifted. You can do this zoflo, things will be so much better for you.

JustSpeakSense · 10/01/2017 14:35

I think his excuse is a very poor one, there are obviously bigger issues with sex that he doesn't want to talk about.

He sounds awful tbh, and your life would be better without him. His attitude towards your DS alone would be a reason to LTB!

Time for a new beginning.

notagiraffe · 10/01/2017 14:43

Wow, OP, those excuses beat them all. I have an autistic DS in his mid teens. I wash his face. If I don't, he never washes it. I do his tie. I can promise you DH has never been put off by stuff like that. Wouldn't occur to him that this sort of mothering of a teen with SN makes a woman undesirable. Your partner has a problem.

AyeAmarok · 10/01/2017 14:45

You must almost be looking forward to leaving him as it sounds like he contributes absolutely nothing positive to your, or your DS's, life. And very little to your DD's.

Your mental health will probably dramatically improve rather quickly too.

slummamumma · 10/01/2017 18:31

Stay strong OP, you know what you need to do for you and your children. you all deserve so much more. Kick him out before he damages you all further

MissVictoria · 10/01/2017 18:41

As someone with ocd whose had to go through 9 hour from start to finish rituals that require complete concentration and are exhausting, anyone who dared call me lazy because i "don't work" would get their head bitten off. It can be just as hard, time consuming and stressful, if not more, than working, as its 24/7 never a single break. He'd be out the door for that alone, never mind everything else!

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