To think dp's excuse is ridiculous

[Zoflorabore]

Hi, haven't bothered to name change though am embarrassed by the situation.

Was torn between here and Relationships but I know I will get told straight here.

So a bit of background-known dp for around 18 years, were in the same social circles etc, there was an attraction but nothing happened.
I then met the father of my ds and didn't see much of dp for years though often thought about him.

Me and ds dad broke up, me and dp got together properly a few years along the line.
He was very sexually inexperienced but I never made it an issue.

Couple of years in, he moved in and we eventually had our dd.
Ds is almost 14 and dd is almost 6.

Relationship has been rocky, feels like there are two separate families under one roof, he finds fault with ds a lot. Ds has autism.

To cut to the chase, without bringing up the millions of reasons the relationship is utterly crap, he is completely uninterested in sex.

He has never had a high sex drive, I accepted that.
For the last 6-9 months on the rare occasion it has happened, he has been very strange and has not been able to ejaculate.

Again, soft arse here is very understanding.

For various reasons it has all kicked off tonight and he told me that the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me is because I make him sick as I help ds with washing his hair and with his school shirt and tie and as he is fully developed ( he is like a man ) it's putting him off me

I have never heard of anything so pathetic, ds is high functioning and pretty independent, he has an active social life and tons of friends but needs help with a few things.

Dp will not take any responsibility for the situation and blames my ds for everything, I'm so angry. I feel neglected and to be honest I want him gone. House is mine and I told him that nobody will come before my children.

Aibu to think this is a smokescreen?
I have little niggles that he's maybe gay, call it gut instinct. I don't know.

Sorry for such a long post, I need to get this out, my family are going through hell at the moment with a terrible situation so I don't want to burden them.
Thanks for reading, zoflo :)

He sounds awful and immature op. Jealous of your 14yr old asd son??? Definitely get rid, you are obviously not compatible.

Zoflorabore "I have never heard of anything so pathetic, ds is high functioning and pretty independent, he has an active social life and tons of friends but needs help with a few things." your right it is pathetic.

"Dp will not take any responsibility for the situation and blames my ds for everything, I'm so angry. I feel neglected and to be honest I want him gone. House is mine and I told him that nobody will come before my children."

I normally say have counselling but to be honest, he sounds abusive and your life together does not sound great. I don't have a high sex drive so I can sympathize with people who don't have a high sex drive but I would never blame my kids.

"Aibu to think this is a smokescreen? I have little niggles that he's maybe gay, call it gut instinct. I don't know." YANBU. I have no idea if this is a real issue (for him) or a smokescreen but he is making you unhappy. How is he with your daughter? It sounds horrible when you say two households under one roof or similar.

"...my family are going through hell at the moment with a terrible situation so I don't want to burden them."

You don't need to burden' them, I am sure they will want to know what is going on in your life.

I hope you have friends you can talk to as well. And here, of course, Mumsnet can be really useful sometimes.

Good luck

Zoflorabore "Mentally and physically I'm unwell and he is not supportive, I also have OCD and clean clean clean I can't help it, he still called me a lazy bitch as he works and i don't."

Go to your GP for the OCD, you may be able to get refereed for some treatment, like CBT. The fact he calls you names is horrible.

This man is a waste of your time, whatever bullshit he comes out with is just that, bullshit.
Your DS deserves better than this horrible little scroat and so do you.
Bin, bin, bin and then bin him again. And tell him to shove his flowers up his arse!

You deserve to be with someone who desires you, supports you and admires your strength as a mother.
This fella ain't him.
You can't make room for good in your life when that spot is filled with crap.

To be honest I can't see how his low sex drive is such a problem when the real issue as far as I can see is the cruelty towards your son. You actually used that word..............ok we all know step parenting is difficult at times and an adolescent boy with SNs is going to be tricky but why are you letting this P emotionally abuse your son. Does your son still see his dad?

You say you won't let anyone come between you and your children but that's exactly what you're doing - sorry. I know it's not easy to end a relationship but there seems no option unless you are going to allow him to continue to emotionally abuse your son. His excuse for lack of sex actually made my back shiver - what an absolute tosser. It's your house - get him out sooner rather than later.

Wow thanks everyone for their posts :)

I'm off to sleep now as am physically and mentally drained but will post properly in the morning when I can think straight.

I'm not going in my bed, I'm going to sleep on the sofa bed, don't want to be near him:(

I'm so upset and try so hard to keep the house nice, make nice meals and look after everyone. I also look after my dgm who has Alzheimer's so am frazzled.

I truly believe my life will improve without him in it ( obviously he will see dd who he ADORES ) and is utterly spoilt rotten but that's another thread!

I know I can do this, am strong and his excuse tonight has tipped me over the edge and have realised how dysfunctional and messed up our family dynamics are, never mind the "relationship"

Mumsnet is amazing- your kind words mean a lot, especially in AIBU night, Zoflo

Goodnight Zo but go and get in your bed and make him sleep on the sofa!

I missed your other posts while I was typing super slowly. I take it back about talking it through, he sounds awful. You deserve so, so much better.

It's your time now, go with your instincts and do the right thing for you.

Idk if his reasons are true or not but they're irrelevant. You describe him as cruel to your sn ds. That would be a deal breaker for me. He should go tomorrow, obviously he will need to see his dd but you can get him out of your ds life before he causes him emotional damage.

So can I get this straight, he's saying that there's something sexual between you and your son that is creeping him out and putting him off sex?

Assuming that he is incorrect, then yes, I think he has crossed a line.

Does he spend much time with your ds just the two of them?

You and your children have to come first.

Your partner sounds like he has issues and he is obviously hiding those problems from you for whatever reason and in turn he is using you as his emotional punchbag to satisfy his own self loathing.

Never ever apologise for doing right by your children, if your son needs you to help with his tie etc then help your son - You don't have to feel guilty for that.

It's pretty poor form that a grown man such as your partner would actually try to point score over a teenager, Autistic or not. Your partner is 100% in the wrong and I think he sounds horrible.

Don't let him worm his way back into your good books with flowers or promises of change; Think of your own sanity and your children's happiness.

Trust your instincts!

I would run regardless of the bedroom issues because he seems to be showing so much animosity towards your DS. He doesn't sound pleasant at all in general.

If it's your house, why aren't you sleeping in your own bed? Is he going to leave? Can you afford the house/bills without him?

I wouldn't find anyone that called me a lazy bitch very sexually attractive either!

Good morning- I slept like a log for the first time in months, what does that say?!

Ok so to answer some questions from last night-

Re- salvaging the relationship, I don't think there is anything left to salvage, I've tried so hard, we've briefly split up before and I stupidly took him back with promises of how he would change, issues were his moods, the way he spoke to me and ds etc.
My dad went mad and said I could do a lot better but has supported me anyway.
He is amazing :).

Re- jealousy? I think so, very much, I'm the least jealous person i know, I love seeing people do well and have good fortune, he's a jealous person by nature.
Ds doesn't require a lot of help and we're both working on his life skills, he doesn't want mummy helping him get dressed.
Dp acts like i do everything for him. Not true.

Re-parents, his are extremely well off and have an amazing house, he went back there when we broke up but couldn't stand it due to the way they are, his mum has very strict routines and rituals ( far worse than mine ) and cleans the house top to bottom every day, they are prudish I guess and have no friends, very set in their ways.
Until he left home he early thirties, his mum did literally everything for him, he has never lifted a finger but is telling me that my ds needs to. The irony.

Re- abusive, yes I think his behaviour could be considered abusive, he says the most horrible things to me and thinks an apology will make it go away, I never forget.

Re-our dd. He spoils her to the point that she expects stuff constantly, he buys her a new toy every week, doesn't say no to her and then undermines me when I'm disciplining her.

Re-friends, yes I have some really good friends thank god and will be in touch with them soon, nobody at all would be surprised that we break up.

Re- ds seeing his dad, yes he does as they have a shared hobby but their relationship has never been close and ds has been let down many times by him. I've always encouraged the relationship and hope it will improve as ds gets older.
He sees him once a week.

Re- dp spending time with ds, not enough to write a sentence about, enough said.

Re- can I afford to live here- house is paid for and I can afford the bills, he costs more than he contributes to be honest. I would probably apply for lone parent benefits until I'm able to work again.

Lastly, dp pushed me into getting a job a couple of years ago, I was called lazy etc by his mum ( who's never worked nor had to ) and it was a disaster, he moaned that he had to help with say doing dishes or doing baths. He has never done anything here either, he " goes to work " "it's your job to to the house seeing as you don't do anything else " and in the job I was sexually assaulted by a colleague and ended up not going back and it has affected me so badly.
Very little support from dp.

So there you have the whole complete mess and once again apologies for such long post.

Thank you for helping me xx

My very first ltb. Please. Today. Pack his stuff and tell him that his 'lazy ex' is now doing loads- starting with the removal of a (however much you estimate he weighs) useless piece of crap from the house.

He brings nothing but abuse to your life. You can do so much better. Enjoy your two lovely children and don't ever let that scumbag back in.

Op, this is great news. You're absolutely doing the best thing for yourself and your DS. I hope you also realize this is the best thing for your DD too. No girl should ever grow up thinking that abusive partners are normal or acceptable.

I really admire your strength. I hope it all works out quickly and he goes back to living with his weird parents and leaves you to some well-earned happiness.

Very clear case of LTB.

Another vote of LTB from me too. You and your DC will be much happier without him from the sounds of things.

If my DH was sat cuddling on the couch with his DD (my DSD) or helped her to do anything I wouldn't think anything other than what a fantastic dad he is and it would make me fancy him more, not less!!!

Your DP sounds like he has some deep rooted issues that you are in no way responsible for sorting out.

Please put yourself first and be happy

Oh get rid. You will be so much happier.

He needs to sort out his issues, whatever they actually are, somewhere other than your house.

As its AIBU I'll be blunt; he's an arse, a lazy spoilt arse.

Get rid and soon

(and for you )

So he bullies and belittles you, bullies your DS and spoils your DD as well as undermining your relationship with her... What good things does he bring?

Your Dad doesn't like him. Your family won't be burdened by you splitting from him - they'll be relieved!

Please, for your sake, get counselling of some sort about the sexual assault - getting through that alone is amazing, but there is help out there.

You and your kids deserve much, much more than this bullying manchild is offering.

Do you think he would react the same if it was DD with a disability and needed the extra assistance? IMO him behaving this way over you helping your DS is completely unacceptable.
Props to you for all you do! I know it isn't always easy when disabilities are involved.