To be furious with workmen?

[Moocherbot]

My mother (mid 70s) had workmen in from Carpetright laying vinyl. 3 of them turned up. They told her they had run out of silicon and made her go out to a DIY shop to buy more, leaving them alone in the house.
She has told me this now and is clearly feeling guilty that she didn't put a stop to it at the time, so she's backtracking and telling me maybe this is normal.
Normal to get an elderly woman to go out to buy supplies (which she knows nothing about) that you ought to have brought, when there are 3 of you, and leaving you alone in her house?
I think it's outrageous, I want to complain about it, but she doesn't want to. I really want her to understand that you can say no to people or make an excuse but it's so hard to get through to her.
Any tips or advice please?

This is outrageous and very dodgy. Did they run out part way through the fit or turn up with no silicon? If they turned up with none and were presumably unable to start, then what the hell did they do whilst your mum was gone. Had a good old root around I'd bet. Please complain. They can't get away with treating people like this.

such, the OP's mum may well have 'capacity'. But whatever happened, it was not right and the OP's mum went along with it - presumably totally unaware of the 'wrongness' of it. The OP has every right to complain on her mum's behalf.

Trouble is there's a vast and booby trapped hinterland around "not having capacity": you don't suddenly go doolally overnight. You may well be physically able, intelligent, well educated, socially active and still not have good judgement about situations where you could be vulnerable. And it's not necessarily age or physical capability that determines this. I think it's very important to support an aging parent's independence as much as possible. But how best to help someone who can potentially put themselves in dangerous situations - and who will refuse advice because they don't want to be perceived as "not coping"? Someone who married young and always had a husband around to help with "house stuff" is not an atypical situation I am sure. Like I've said - if she doesn't want to complain because of the hassle, sure. But I am determined to make it clear that it's not an ok situation, that other people wouldn't find it ok (hence the AIBU). I have proposed in the past that she just makes an excuse, calls me or sibling, and we'll sort it out. But...that appears like not coping. Bet this is ringing some bells for other people. We've been there before with other Aged Parents but it doesn't get any easier.

Yes, Moocherbot. I have been there too, as my Mum got older (Dad no longer alive). This is why your thread has resonated so strongly with me and why I totally agree that you want to do something about this. I quite understand that your mum might not want you 'interfering', but I also quite understand that you want to ensure her safety and that she's not being ripped off. You have my every sympathies. And I hope that you get some resolution from Carpet Right about this.

I would report this to the police. You may think a crime hasn't been committed but what if they took copies of keys, left window strategically unlocked stole jewellery you don't look at often? I would also report to carpet right as they outsource their fitting jobs. Expect a full fitting refund and an apology. Your mother might be worried that she will come across as foolish but it's true that every generation is more savy than the one before. I'm horrified on your behalf.

I understand your dilemma, Moocherbot, it's difficult and I know my mum would be too proud and stubborn to admit she might be wrong about something like this.

All I can suggest is to broach it as sensitively as you can, trying not to take an "I am right, you are wrong" stance, or coming across as at all patroninsing? Perhaps mention you saw something similar on tv which turned out to be a scam or that something similar happened to your friend etc..
It would be possible to make an online complaint to Carpetright which can be anonymous. That would be a start although I agree it would be best if a specific complaint was made by you or your mum.

She might feel happier writing a letter of complaint, rather than using the phone or Email?

FruJustFru I never said that it wasn't wrong but she really needs to take her mothers wishes into account rather than treating her like a child! ILostItInTheEarlyNineties has it right. OP needs to talk to her DM and explain why it needs to be reported and then only when her DM agrees should she do so.

I imagine your mum is feeling very stupid and so doesn't want it publicised. I would! But it is so easy to go along with ththings in the moment, it's only as you look back you see how wrong it is.

Maybe if you approached it as helping others, point out she's unlikjely to be the only one but it's happened to but she may be the first who is brave enough to put a stop to it. By reporting it she's almost doing a civic duty, putting her pride to one side for the good of others. Could give police that vital clue if their are crimes happening...

I'm sure that you can phrase it much better than thast but I think that's the way that would work best with my gran. Also pointing out how many scams there are and noone can keep up with them all!

Best of luck, do let us know what happens.

I didn't imagine that Mooch would override her mum's wishes - but I thought that she'd have a conversation with her mum who, then, might be in agreement with Mooch speaking to CR.

I've been there. It's hard to get it right with one's APs sometimes, but knowing that something must be said to the offending party.

If you don't, then you have no idea - no idea - what something like this can be like for them and for their adult offspring (when they find out). Cut the OP some slack - and cut her mum some slack too.

Yes, my parents are exactly that age and no more confused than anyone else. Mid 70s isn't that old. If she has the capacity to go to a quickly go to DIY shop to obtain silicon, I am surprised that she doesn't have the capacity to realise that you don't leave three strange men in the house.

to go to a

I would report this to the police too. It sounds like they were up to no good and sadly, it might take a while to realise specifically what they did during that time.

Two years ago my DMIL (72yo then) would have done exactly the same, perfectly capable of following instructions, only too eager to help. She was earlybstage dementia then, it was just manifesting itself as forgetting the odd word, repetitiveness, slightly odd behaviour but nothing really odd - she would honup tonstrsngers in shops and strike up conversations and have to be dragged away.

As others have said, there's no sudden deterioration, its gradual, and it's something we should all be aware of, otherwise our parents and grandparents can find themselves very vulnerable.

honup tonstrsngers - go up to strangers.

What I'm basically trying to say is that being capable of going to a shop and buying something means nothing in terms of capacity.

My xh is a self employed carpet/vinyl fitter and when he worked for carpetright they provided all materials - they charge the customer for fitting. He was just paid by the square yard. Time is money, the more jobs you do the more you earn. He wouldn't have wanted to hang around waiting like that. Very odd

Whereabouts are you Op, which store was it?

Two years ago my DMIL (72yo then) would have done exactly the same, perfectly capable of following instructions, only too eager to help. She was earlybstage dementia then, it was just manifesting itself as forgetting the odd word, repetitiveness, slightly odd behaviour but nothing really odd - she would honup tonstrsngers in shops and strike up conversations and have to be dragged away.

I appreciate that there will be people age 72 who are suffering from the early signs of dementia but the great majority won't be and OP has not suggested that her mother is exhibiting other signs of confusion. It is quite possible that she would have done this whatever her age. I find it quite ageist and insulting to those in their 70s that nearly everyone on this thread is assuming this has happened because people in their 70s are all confused and not capable of working out what is going on and that OP should start treating her mother like a child. We have had plenty of prime ministers that age so assuming they all don't know what is going on and that this occurred for that reason seems quite ridiculous.

The whole scenario seems very odd to me. Apart from the inconsistency in the behaviour/capabilities of the mother, I don't really get why the carpet right fitters would want to waste their time waiting for the mother to buy stuff from the store when it would be much quicker to get it themselves. The fitters are self-employed so wasted time would equal lower earnings for them.

I once had a bed delivered (reputable high street supplier) and left the two workmen upstairs putting it together as I didn't think I needed to watch over them screwing bits of wood. I was in and out a a few times, offering tea etc.

Later that day, I was in my room and ended up with the awful realisation that they had opened and been rooting though my bedside drawer as all my personal items (incl sex stuff) had been moved.

MaryMary, what you said !

Marynary you get it too! Felt like I was shouting in the wind until you showed up!

Marynary, apologies. I obviously am senile - can't even hold your name in my head for as long as it takes to post.

But it isn't necessarily about confusion or an early onset of senility or dementia. Just a slightly different mindset. When my Mum was in her 70s, she was still very compos mentis - but she might have said she'd go and buy the adhesive.

We are more inured to potential risks of scams, or whatnot.

I agree about the different mindset. My mum is in her 70's and for most of her life relied on my dad to sort out home improvements, or deal with tradesmen. That was common of her generation.
She is educated and intelligent but I'd say naive when it comes to something like this and the possible pitfalls.

But it isn't necessarily about confusion or an early onset of senility or dementia. Just a slightly different mindset. When my Mum was in her 70s, she was still very compos mentis - but she might have said she'd go and buy the adhesive.

Just because your mother was a certain "mindset" and quite naive and gullible it doesn't mean all women in their 70s are, especially if she was like that even when younger. Not only are you being very ageist but you're are also being sexist.

As I said, we have had prime ministers in their 70s and many people work until that age. My own mother (in her 70s) was a solicitor until recently and I know that she would be pretty insulted that you assume that she is naive/gullible because of her age.

Of course not all women of a certain age are naive to potential scams by tradespeople. Neither would I say my mum was gullible. I think it comes down to life experience. I'm not generalising here but trying to offer a reason behind Op's own mother's conduct in this situation.

I apologise if you thought I was being sexist or ageist but I still maintain that 40 years ago it was fairly commonplace for the man of the house to sort out home improvements and the wife to be in charge of housework and childcare. So that could still be the mindset of some older women who are lost when they find they have to deal with this situation themselves and have no idea of the protocol.
Thankfully times have changed.