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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my dp?

81 replies

Iris65 · 07/01/2017 14:43

We had lunch in an expensive bar. The waitress handed me my drink and as she walked away I knokec the glass over. When I was asked for a replacement I was told that I would have to buy another one.
I said to the waiter that I thought that wasn't very good customer relations as I hadn't even had a sip. Then I said I knew it wasn't his fault and could we have the bill please? I said all of this in my 'clipped' teacher's voice.
As we walked home my dp said that I had crossed the line and when I asked which line he said 'I should think about it.' I knew immediately what he meant and said that I didn't think I was rude or harsh. He then replied that I should go back and apologise. We had reached home by this point and I burst into tears (I have lot going on right now) and walked off. I'm now in a coffee shop feeling really annoyed at him and sorry for myself. AIBU?

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 07/01/2017 15:29

I think maybe the OP realises she was BU now.. since she's off to apologise.

Sorry you're having a shit time of it OP.

StandardNameHere · 07/01/2017 15:33

That waiter you were rude to may also have a lot going on right now, he is doing his job (didn't do anything wrong) and you were openly rude and dismissive, to your husband as well... I would be embarrassed and annoyed if my husband did this then asked for the bill without even checking with me if it was ok we left early.

dollydaydream114 · 07/01/2017 15:34

What I don't understand is why your DH would take their side against you - he has one job, to support you.

I don't think it's anyone's job to have to 'support' a partner's rude and irrational behaviour. The OP says she has a history of this kind of unreasonable rudeness to people who have done nothing wrong. Her DP shouldn't have to 'take her side' in this and it would do her no favours if he did. Nobody should have to support behaviour that is clearly unacceptable.

SVJAA · 07/01/2017 15:35

OP, I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time and fair play to you for apologising to the waiter.
But maybe this is an opportunity to think about the way you speak to people? My ex SIL used to pull out the "clipped teacher voice" which for some reason made me unreasonably pissed off every time she did it.
Your husband didn't speak anywhere near as harshly to you, yet you're in tears and very unhappy. Perhaps this is how you left the waiter feeling?
Rather than bashing you or telling you how wrong you were, I'd advise taking today as a turning point, to think about the way you treat/speak to people and to make a conscious effort to change it. After all, none of us knows what strangers are going through. Just because you're going through hell, doesn't mean that you're the only one who is.

nakedscientist · 07/01/2017 15:39

"I think it was a bit unreasonable but customer service wise I think they should have brought you a new drink, if not free for at least a discount. They charge more than they pay"

Mummy I agree with you. Expensive restaurant = customer service. DH should have seen past your snippyness to the real reasons you reacted badly.
Hope your day gets better,

user1469914265 · 07/01/2017 15:40

Did you tip?

Original poster
Iris65 · 07/01/2017 15:42

Well. I asked.
If I want blunt answers and aggressive responses know where to find them now!

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 07/01/2017 15:47

Iris. You also got support and real advice as well. Don't go all stroppy teen on us.
I hope you've managed to start to talk about the real issues for you and if you have self awareness to see there could be a pattern for you then that's a good start too.

user1483387154 · 07/01/2017 15:47

Glad you went to apologise as it was totally your fault and the way you spoke to him/her in your 'clippe teacher voice' was completely unecessary.

NoelHeadbands · 07/01/2017 15:48

Maybe some of the people giving blunt and aggressive answers have a lot going on right now and are having a bad day.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 07/01/2017 15:50

I am sorry you are going through a lot and I think apologizing is a nice thing to do. Most people would lose it and then never go in that restaurant again. Hopefully the apology will make the waiter's day a lot better.

SpartacusWoman · 07/01/2017 15:51

I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment OP, Apologising to the waiter is the right thing to do, he could have problems in his personal similar to you and being spoke to in a teachers voice may have him feeling equally upset. In apologising you're letting him know it was you at fault.

I am genuinely sorry you're going through a lot personally, is your dp supportive in general ? He may have been embarrassed and felt bad for the waiter being spoken to like a child who'd done something wrong, but if you're having a lot of other issues he maybe could have suggested you apologise in a gentler way, or tried to catch the waiter and explain that you are unwell at the moment and don't usually speak like that and leave him a generous tip.

Some places give you a free drink to replace ones knocked over, it's nice when they do but it shouldn't be expected. I'd always go to lay for a replacement and nine times out ten, when I ask for a cloth to clean the spillage they say they will be over to clean it in a few secs and will bring me a new drink foc, other times they give me cloth and charge me. Neither is right or wrong imo. (just wondering if you also expected the waiter to clean it for you? Could that have added to dps annoyance)

Underthemoonlight · 07/01/2017 15:51

You don't like the blunt aggressive answers yet you spoke to this person with contempt and belittled them. It seems like you can speak to people however you wish but when people challenged you and call you on your behaviour you don't like it e.g MN and your dh.

Bettyspants · 07/01/2017 15:56

I bet you're feeling pretty crappy at the moment. I can easily recall times when I've had a lot going on and stupidly taken it out on something ridiculous. You wrote on here when you were obviously still feeling het up and emotional, I hope that you've been able to calm down and have a chat with dp

bunnylove99 · 07/01/2017 16:05

OP. I'm sorry you are having a rotten time of it. Personally I don't think the clipped voice was a good idea, but it would have been nice and not unreasonable for the restaurant to replace your drink for free. They probably make a huge mark up on each drink and doing so would have made return business more likely. I hope you make up with your DP and can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

BalloonSlayer · 07/01/2017 16:08

I was in McDonalds once with a load of DCs and one (not mine) dropped his whole milkshake on the floor out of simple can't-be-arsed-to-watch-it-ness. Hmm If it had been one of my DCs I might well have told them too bad, they'd have to do without (it was so casual and careless it was infuriating) but as it was a friend I thought I'd better get him another one. I mentioned that I was getting another one as a kid had dropped theirs and I was cross about it - to my surprise they replaced it for free.

Because of this I assumed that this was a standard customer service thing, that companies do this. I presume you thought this too, OP.

MrsFezziwig · 07/01/2017 16:08

Unfortunately AIBU is the setting of choice for "blunt answers and aggressive responses", but maybe you didn't realise that when you posted.
Your DP was correct to call you out but I think sending you back to apologise was a bit much - hope he's not the cause of the underlying problems you mentioned.

SpartacusWoman · 07/01/2017 16:08

Part of me thinks you did realise how you were coming across to the waiter as you said you were using your clipped teacher voice. Why fake an authoritive voice on when speaking to a waiter?

Like I say, if it's a one off and a symptom have having a load of other things going on as well, your dh could have been gentler in telling you that you need to apologise and be shocked as its out of character for you.

If you speak to others like that often then it's not right and maybe dp doesn't want to tiptoe around the rudeness.

Your dp should have told you to apologise, and I'm pleased you are. If it's a true one off then he could have been gentler about it.

If I want blunt answers and aggressive responses know where to find them now!

But this makes it sound like you want allowances made for your own bluntness and aggressiveness, while not stopping to think that others posting here and being blunt may well be also having a hard personal life.

Some posters here will have been in the service industry and spoken to several times a day by people putting in their clipped teachers voices and know that most people use those voices with them because they think they are better than them, which is bad enough , but when your having personal problems and having people speak to you like you are beneath them while not being able to tell them to fuck off makes it so much harder, you got to leave the resteraunt and have a breather, that waiter had to move on to the next client and smile while probably feeling like utter shit inside.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/01/2017 16:10

Yes you did get blunt answers. That's kind of the ethos of AIBU. Did you get aggressive ones? Not really. And if you did - is it any worse than you using clipped tones to the waiter? "Don't dish it out if you can't take it" is a fair maxim.

I hope you are able to take this incident and use it positively. Learn to identify what your actual problem is and address that, before becoming so overwhelmed that spilling a glass of wine tips you over into behaving badly.

If you want to talk about what is really bothering you, I'd suggest starting a new thread on Relationships or Education or Legal or whatever board is most appropriate to the issue. Have a look under Talk, there's a whole raft of boards where you will find good advice and sympathy and usually personal experience of your issue. AIBU is best kept for a blunt reality check. Change your username if you wish to disassociate yourself from this thread.

Best wishes.

TheTantrumCometh · 07/01/2017 16:11

In the nicest way, because you have acknowledged your mistake, you don't know what the waiter has going on in his own life. He could very well be going through hell, too.

If this is a pattern for you maybe it's time to address it.

PollytheDolly · 07/01/2017 16:13

OP

What is really wrong?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 07/01/2017 16:13

OP, I think you can see now that you shouldn't have reacted the way you did in the restaurant. However, we all have bad days and we all (however occasionally) speak to people in a way we might later regret.

I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you might get more out of a new thread to talk through the bigger problems you have in life at the moment. I would also recommend putting it in Relationships or Chat (as appropriate). AIBU isn't always the best place if you're having a crap day/week/month/year.

MN can be a place full of wonderful help & support - please don't be put off by people giving you an honest answer on this one single issue.

diddl · 07/01/2017 16:16

It reads to me that you were pissed off/embarrassed that the waitress told you that the drink wouldn't be replaced for free & that you took that out on the waiter by the manner in which you spoke to him.

It seems that your partner then spoke to you in the same way as you spoke to the waiter-condescending -which I would find unnecessary tbh he could just have said that you were wrong & he thought that you should apologise.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 16:17

!f I want blunt answers and aggressive responses know where to find them now!

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 16:19

Presumably the partner knows you have been going through a lot and should have been more supportive

Or maybe he just feels that having a lot isnt an excuse to be condesending to waiting staff, especially when your demands are unreasonable.

I dont think anyone has to default to raking their dps side all the time.