To be at breaking point

[JagerPlease]

DS is 4 months old. The longest he has ever slept in one go is 4 hours, and that's happened maybe twice. He used to average 2 hours at a time at night, now wakes up hourly. Last night this shortened to every 20 minutes on occasion. Many of his wake ups are straight into high volume crying. We currently co sleep with DW EBF. Have tried putting him in his bednest but it took 20 minutes to settle him and he slept for 20 minutes before waking up crying. We've weaned him off actually falling asleep on the breast and he will go back to sleep with cuddles and rocking instead of feeding, but all of it is just taking it's toll.

In the day he will nap, but only in the sling or on one of us, so there's no respite. HV advice was that he should be sleeping through by now and to not feed him in the night. We're just not willing to let him CIO as the amount of crying at the moment is stressful enough as it is. DW ended up calling 111 in the night and when speaking the a doctor in the morning was told that all babies are like this and it gets better.

We love him so much but even holding him is physically draining and the whole thing is constantly reducing us to tears.

I guess AIBU to not be able to cope? And to not be able to make sense of the conflicting professional advice?

Some HVs are great but others talk out of their arse. There is no 'should' with babies. They do what they do and you work with it as best you can. It is exhausting. Sharing the load is what we did. It will get better.

4 month d sleep regression is common. It's what driver me to start adding a few spoons of baby food a day. That was common advice at the time though and I know it's outdated now. You have my sympathies.

DD didn't sleep through until two YEARS old. HV is an arse.

My now 4 year old was exactly like that - you will learn to cope better, and ge will get better. Bad news is, mine still doesn't sleep through the night, he wakes up once or twice. Good news, it doesn't really bother me anymore, i got used to it ( work full time in stressful job as well - its amazing how much one can adapt). in children with a high need for contact, sleeptraining only makes things worse, and certainly not at 4 months!

OP. I have no great advice but just wanted to say hang in their and hopefully your GP appointment will prove helpful. Its great you are supporting each other and doing the split shifts. My 1st was a terrible sleeper, we never knew why. Ignore HV. She is being unhelpful. Babies are just all so different.

You HV needs to speak to my 11 month old dd, who still wakes 4+ times a Night (if I'm lucky) she is by far the worst of all my children for sleeping.

Great advice above. I would also look into a sleepyhead. This worked wonders for our little one slightly raised when he had reflux. Also, to help calm the little one have you tried white noise. I swear by it after being a non believer! Google baby comic white noise and the video with the baby on the half moon is like magic! Needs to up loud (speaker away from baby's ears though!) and let it play. Took my little one about 15mins to get use to it first of all and then really use to calm him. Worth a try! Also, have you tried a dummy (sorry if this has already been discussed). Everything is worth a try. I would def seek medical advice through as def sounds like a form of reflux. Best of luck and hope little one is better soon.

• baby colic white noise

if he's ebf i'd check out kelly mom site as has loads of useful stuff. My lo wasn't getting enough hindmilk causing colic/reflux and had batch latch so was gulping air. Also work double checking feeding technique, i'd gotten lasy at 4 months with night latch and cause few problems.

Also it natural for ebf babies to wake 4 hourly and feed more at night as something to do with milk production

Oh boy, it's truly tough isn't it? Way too many variables!

Definitely worth exploring the reflux possibility. Some might even suggest tongue tie. Also, have you considered that your LO might not like the baby nest? My friend never got to use hers as her DS couldn't stand it.

Teeth were definitely an ongoing saga for us with DS. They took so long and seemed to cause such prolonged and extreme upset for him.

In addition, my DS had a very strong startle reflex until he was about 1 year old. Just as he was going off the sleep his arms would fling up and he'd jump out of his skin. We found that a blanket draped over him and then tucked in at the sides, so was being held by his own body weight, was a good swaddle type of arrangement that allowed him to get better rest.

He also suffered quite a bit from trapped wind. Even BF babies need a good winding session. Strategies like bicycle legs etc really helped him.

Something to consider... does he have any allergy? With hindsight (DD 2 years later), I think that DS had some cows milk protein allergy which was giving him pain and discomfort. DS didn't really display any obvious signs to make us suspect this so we soldiered on, whereas DD had loose nappies and eczema.

Another great help was a book by Dr Harvey Karp. It gave strategies called the 5 (I think only 5) Ss... which were something like swaddling, swaying, shooshing, something, something. Every night I'd just do what the book said and DS usually responded.

Cross post with allthewaves. Agree re the latch (which could possibly be tongue tie). Do you have a BF support group/person nearby?

Sleeping through at 4 months 4 years maybe! Ha! A life saver for me when bf was co-sleeping and feeding lying down. I'd feed all night sometimes but it meant that I never really 'woke' just sort of dozed with my tits out 😂 4 months is usually the age of hell but it WILL get better.

I think your HV is on another planet saying most sleep through at 4 months! My DD was the same (now 17 months and still wakes 3 times a night) she has milk allergies and wouldn't sleep for longer than an hour until she was 6 months old

If he sounds reflex we found that raising the head end of the cot helped with DS

I feel your pain OP.

My DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 5 years old!

At 4 months he was sleeping 2 hours max.

It was exhausting.....

What helped for me was DH putting his foot down and saying he needed to help with feeds.

DS was EBF but because of the 2 hourly feeds I struggled to get time to pump "spare" milk - otherwise I was just constantly feeding or pumping.

So we bought some formula so DH could do a feed at 11pm so I could get 4 hours sleep between 9pm and 1am.

However - the formula seemed to fill him up better and he ended up sleeping until about 3am!!!

So essentially we started "dual" feeding him with mainly BF and one FF every day. It made a huge difference to my sanity and because I was still BF'ing I didn't feel DS was losing out in any way.

Might be worth a go?

I second the white noise at a decent volume suggestion - helped a lot with refluxy DS1. Ultimately we ended up having to put him to sleep on his stomach as he simply wouldn't sleep any other way except in the sling, day or night, and I needed to sleep too. I'd never recommend anyone else do that but I think if you're desperate it's worth weighing up the risks.

EBF and sleeping through at 4 months?! Are you sure she was a health visitor? What shite.

Try tilting the bednest, I did this when mine suffered with reflux and it made a big difference. This will all get better, it just won't feel like it at minute

None of my three have slept through at four months or four years.

Honestly, I'd continue cosleeping and just feed to sleep if that's the easiest way. Who can be arsed with rocking, cajoling and crying when you could just stick a nipple in their mouth and they'll be asleep in 3 minutes?

If you're tilting a bednest, only do it very, very slightly and ensure that the side is fully up.

It sounds to me like silent reflux. My middle ds had this and would wake very suddenly screaming.

Another vote here for possible reflux from the mother of a reflux baby. Sleep with reflux babies can be really terrible and my DD woke religiously from any nap after 20-30 minutes unless strapped to me and was pretty tricky night times also. If baby is crying, distressed, pulling off, back arching when feeding it's worth exploring reflux. Infant gaviscon was what we were first recommended and when, after a blissful week or so this stopped working, omeprazole. I was bottle feeding and i think that's probably easier with the infant gaviscon as you can just add to bottle so perhaps if breastfeeding straight to omeprazole might be easier as it's once a day you have to get it in to them, not 5 times. Word to the wise with gp though, some are great and really helpful with reflux and others adopt a 'if the baby is gaining weight etc then you have no problem.' I hope you get the former but if you don't don't be afraid to be persistent. I was lucky, my cousin is a paediatrician and came to house and diagnosed but there were women on my birth board who didn't get a diagnosis till baby was much older and they were at their wit's end with sleep etc. I was also told by HV not to feed 4 month old at night or more precisely to give water if I must give something. Bollocks. Good luck and I hope you get some answers and some rest.

Mine is 10mo and doesn't sleep through. We cosleep and BF and he wakes me 2-3 times a night so I can turn over for the other boob. He only sleeps on me or DH in the day. Our HV doesn't seem bothered by this.

I've given up any expectations. That makes it easier to deal with. I've got 4DC, only one slept well on his own. They all slept well by 2.5yo. So roll on September 2018.

Though I am a huge advocate of nct and have wonderful mates made via our local branch, I would be careful to avoid the temptation of comparing babies. This way disappointment & worry lies!
Don't fret about what anyone says your baby 'should' be doing - he is still so young. Feeding to sleep, napping on parent etc is all v normal and I would be tempted to go with it rather than spend your efforts trying to 'improve' in line with others' expectations.
Sling, cosleeping with baby in sleepyhead, and swaddled helped us. Sharing load, plus checking with Dr for reflux and a b/feeding expert for latch is also good advice. Huge sympathies and best of luck. You'll get there - maybe avoid the nct comparators for now.

I hear you. Two bad sleepers survived here, both with reflux, dd's was extreme and more complex as a second child in terms of not being able to just pass out underneath her if you know what I mean!

I got a swinging chair through eBay and it really helped, she liked the biggest swing setting, and it meant that she could/would nap without being attached to me. I agree with others that the reflux wedge pillows are brilliant; it might be that there's no reflux she just doesn't like being totally flat, they are inexpensive and worth a try.

And be kind to yourselves. With DS he went to sleep unexpectedly one night in his crib. We have never got into bed and been asleep as fast just in case it only lasted 20 minutes! It's gruelling and hard, but you're not alone in facing it. Grab a hug with each other when you can and do what works to keep you surviving, it will pass.