Speaking English

[MrsVioletBottom]

I have recently been visiting my daughter and her family in Germany, where they have lived for several years. She has 1DD who is 4 years old. Her husband is German.

They made the decision when my GD was born, that he would speak only in German and DD only in English to GD. In order that she would be bilingual. This has worked out really well, so far.

My DD informed me when I arrived that she would only be conversing with my GD in German whilst I was visiting, because SIL felt that GD was speaking English too much. Therefore she needed to concentrate on German.

I spent the whole of my visit, feeling totally excluded and miserable. Not only was German only, spoken when he was present but also when DD, GD and I were alone.

I came home feeling like I never wanted to go back. Am I wrong to feel like this, or
over-reacting?

Like sirzy says, this does not sound good. Whole family is scared of him. I would quietly make it clear to your dd that your door is open.

Next time you go, can you stay in a hotel? That way, of course you would visit them, it also they could visit you in 'your' space without home breathing down your neck?

Also work on days out.

An English accent is more likely to be picked up from a parent who has german as a second language than if they did OPOL and everyone stuck to their own language... (I'm bilingual, so speak from experience)

This sounds like a horrible situation and the language issues seem the least worrying part of it. Of course she will speak German perfectly as soon as she is at school for five minutes.

He sounds worrying and controlling. It's much more worrying because leaving a partner in another country is very very hard and she wouldn't be able to come home.

I agree that while the situation sounds worrying, language learning needs to go both ways. Your DD has been living in Germany for nearly a decade, married to a German, and your DGD will be principally a German speaker. Yet you speak very little of the language. Have you tried learning?

Oh dear, that is quite worrying. I would definitely try to learn as much German as possible before you next go back, so you can understand what he is saying to them both.

I would want them both back in the UK pronto. Can you have an open conversation with DD e.g. Skype when he's not around to find out how she really feels? That's no way to live. Poor little DG.

That flies in the face of all good practice re bringing up bilingual children, they need to practice the less culturally dominant language as much as possible in the home. If a child is immersed in the native language outside the home and exclusively uses that language with one parent it makes it even more important she uses her second language with the other parent. How does your SIL expect her to learn English if she's never allowed to speak English? Has your DD no say in this?

That sounds really sad, but you are doing the right thing for your granddaughter. Hope your health is better now too. Please keep visiting, You will have a lovely bond with her (you already do, really).