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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Speaking English

58 replies

MrsVioletBottom · 06/01/2017 22:01

I have recently been visiting my daughter and her family in Germany, where they have lived for several years. She has 1DD who is 4 years old. Her husband is German.

They made the decision when my GD was born, that he would speak only in German and DD only in English to GD. In order that she would be bilingual. This has worked out really well, so far.

My DD informed me when I arrived that she would only be conversing with my GD in German whilst I was visiting, because SIL felt that GD was speaking English too much. Therefore she needed to concentrate on German.

I spent the whole of my visit, feeling totally excluded and miserable. Not only was German only, spoken when he was present but also when DD, GD and I were alone.

I came home feeling like I never wanted to go back. Am I wrong to feel like this, or
over-reacting?

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/01/2017 22:32

It is somewhat odd that your DD wouldn't speak in English when he wasn't around.
Does she agree that your GD should be speaking more German?

FadedRed · 06/01/2017 22:39

Your son-in-law doesn't like you, does he? Very rude and controlling behaviour on his part, IMO, and very sad for you. As pp's have said, they are living in the dominant language country, so this is odd and the timing was, I suspect, deliberately intended to isolate you. You felt unwelcome, I think that was his intention. Awful.

JumpingJellybeanz · 06/01/2017 22:41

Very strange. We have a DS the same age and his school/nursery have always been insistent that both DH and I always speak English with him. He's behind his peers with the native language but they say that'll catch up as he gets older and they are not worried at all. The real danger is losing his mother tongue, which would not be good especially as it's English.

Sgtmajormummy · 06/01/2017 22:47

Having a close relationship with her grandmother, along with all the stories, fun and family background is surely one of the main reasons for insisting that the little girl speaks to YOU in English, OP.

Confused face to son in law.

Mrsmadevans · 06/01/2017 22:52

Bloody Hell op that is really shit of your dd and dsil to do that to you ! You poor thing I think it is very insensitive of them and I am wondering if it was intentional ? I can't think why they would do that , it seems very odd and nasty behaviour !

sn0wne · 06/01/2017 22:52

Incredibly rude. I have a similar set-up - I'm English, DH Dutch and we live in NL. DD(4) speaks both languages but often defers to Dutch as her only English input is from me really. But if I have family over, we make sure DD speaks English, and my ILs speak English as best they can too. They can improve your GD's German when you're not around, OP! Not to mention, she lives in Germany, one parent is a native speaker, she's surrounded by German. She'll learn German by osmosis. English is the language she'll need actual help with, and her GM coming to visit would have been the ideal opportunity for that. Grr, I'm angry on your behalf! Angry

LotsOfShoes · 06/01/2017 22:53

That's awful. Terribly inconsiderate and mean (speaking as a foreigner here whose children will be bilingual). Of course it was miserable and siolating, anyone would feel that way. Have you spoken to your daughter about it?

ZouBisou · 06/01/2017 22:55

It does seem strange, rude and unnecessary.

If they live in Germany, your DGD's German is not going to be a problem in the long run.

The majority of couples I know who are French/English living in France have chosen to both speak English at home (or the native English parent and the French parent) in order to get the he balance right. Because as soon as French nursery / school kicks in, the kid is going to need all the English they can get at home to keep up that language.

I guess it is stressful trying to raise a bilingual child and being scared of one of the parents' native languages failing in the child, but unless your DGD is going to an English speaking school/kindergarten I'm surprised it's the German they're worried about her not keeping up with..

ZouBisou · 06/01/2017 22:55

ie, not or

saoirse31 · 06/01/2017 22:56

Very very rude with no linguistic benefit for daughter either.

happynewyearchum · 06/01/2017 22:59

That's really sad Sad

Your daughter and son-in-law were very rude. As has been said surely she will speak German anyway as she is growing up in Germany.

jimthecat · 06/01/2017 23:07

Your sil sounds controlling. As a person in a similar set up (I am English, living in France with a French husband), I embrace my family coming to stay and my child getting exposure to English.

I could understand if it were the other way around, for example I am strict on keeping up speaking in English even when my non English speaking pil are around because they can converse with dc in French and my language is the minority.

Feel for you and your daughter; can't understand why she'd put up with this.

GinIsIn · 06/01/2017 23:11

That is SO RUDE - is he always that controlling?!

I grew up in a bilingual household and we would never have spoken our other language in front of guests who couldn't understand!

Stingray2008 · 06/01/2017 23:12

I had a friend whos family refused to speak anything but german at home. I was a very shy teenager and dinner round her house was so awkward as i didnt have a clue what they where saying and laughing about.

As for your sil even if they want to concentrate german more it seems unfair to do it while you are visiting.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2017 23:15

What they did is so unreasonable, it's tipped over in to being actually pretty weird.
Nonsensical to not postpone their plan till after your visit.
Desperately rude.
Did your dd actually speak to you in English, ie when child in bed?
We're you banned from speaking to your dgd in English?
All so very odd.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2017 23:22

Fwiw, my dh is second language English living in England.
Whenever his family or friends visit, it's lovely for him to get a chance to speak his native language for a change. I'm surprised your daughter didn't jump at the chance to speak English with you, if she's surrounded by German the whole time.

yummycake123 · 06/01/2017 23:37

How long where you there for?
If you were there for a week or two, their attitude seems rude and pointless...
As your GD is growing up in Germany, German will be her "first" language because she is surrounded by German-speaking people and has plenty of opportunities to speak in German.
You visiting for a few days and speaking to her in English wouldn't affect her German language skills...
Why is SIL so bossy and making decisions for your daughter?

Confusednotcom · 06/01/2017 23:39

Wow, can't believe you had to put up with that. I'd encourage GD to visit you in the U.K next time!

Original poster
MrsVioletBottom · 07/01/2017 16:14

Thank you all for your replies, this has made a huge difference to my morale.

Redface you are very astute, that is exactly correct what you suggest.

I went to stay for a week. I figured this would be long enough, going by previous visits.

He is a very dominant and possessive man. He has not liked me since my GD was born. He is a strict disciplinarian, my DG is very wary of him and he does not like, that, she wants to play and cuddle and chat with me. When my DD has to coax and pressure DG to "go and give Daddy a cuddle" or "give Daddy a kiss". Basically she is a little afraid of him. I also think my DD is too. Although she would not admit that to me.

I have had conversations with with DD regarding not speaking English when I visit. She says it is because "they" think that DG is speaking German with an English accent and it is not what "they" want. It is a very difficult situation for me. If I say what I think, I will be the nasty MIL and may even be banned from visiting at all. He can be quite firm with DG and during my visit, DG was playing with me and her toys. He sat there very quietly watching and then for no apparent reason, told her to put her toys away, "it was time for quiet time". The poor child was so disappointed, but she never questioned him, just stood there trying desperately trying to gulp back the tears. It is gut wrenching to see this. We just had to sit there quietly her on one chair and me on another. Not even allowed to sit by Grandma.

My DD has not been back to the UK since she went to live there 9 years ago. Not even when I was really ill in hospital a couple of years ago, following an operation, that went badly wrong.

I do not visit very often perhaps a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 07/01/2017 16:21

I'm so sorry. It sounds like he is very controlling and your daughter is not willing to admit it or hasn't seen the light yet. Hopefully she will and will return to the uk with your granddaughter and without him.

Original poster
MrsVioletBottom · 07/01/2017 16:21

Sorry FadedRed not redface

OP posts:
corythatwas · 07/01/2017 16:27

This sounds very worrying, and I would be worried that your dd is being abused in some way. Sadly, there is probably little you can do except try to keep channels of communication open.

Bitofacow · 07/01/2017 16:34

So you need to learn German.
You must have picked some up. I have relatives who live abroad and speak a language harder to pick up than German and I can't speak it but can understand a fair bit.
German classes are available, books, hire a tutor wherever. He won't make the effort so you have to if you want to keep up relationship. Just imagine his face when he realises you understand what he is saying.

Sirzy · 07/01/2017 16:39

Sounds very worrying.

I would try to make sure your daughter knows that she can always "escape" to you if needed and that you are there for her and your granddaughter. Does your daughter have many friends of her own over there?

happypoobum · 07/01/2017 16:49

This sound pretty awful Sad

Surely if the issue is that DGD is speaking German with an English accent, that is reason enough for SIL (and other native German speakers) to be the only ones that speak German to her. Her English accent is probably a result of hearing her mother speaking German.

Could you persuade her to have a visit at home for a few days?

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