I'm so lucky

[yesichangedmynameforthis]

Next time my mil points out how lucky I am that I married someone who can make the dinner wibu to say that dh is also lucky to have married someone that can pay half the bills?

It's gotten worse since I've been on maternity leave, I think she thought I would turn into a 1950s housewife overnight. When I fancy making the dinner, then I do. There's really no need as dh is really the one in charge of food, he gets in at 4.30pm and enjoys cooking and meal planning.
She also goes on about how good he is with the baby and how lucky I am that he takes the baby

I find reactions like that sad rather than annoying tbh. My MIL is clearly stunned at how 'good' DH is but I always think it must be absolutely gutting for her to realise that she didn't have to struggle horribly with a baby while her DH decided to stay in his overseas job for 10 months and that in fact it's not normal for a man to take no interest in his children, her husband is in fact a misogynistic prick. Annoying as it is for me I think it must really really horrible for her.

My MIL said to me once that 'mother nature' allows women not to need any sleep once a baby is born (but doesn't do the same for men). I was really annoyed and told her what utter smegma that was and she looked absolutely crestfallen. Older women have to tell themselves stories to make themselves believe that men haven't ridden on their backs for decades.

Indeed, mil tells stories of fil (they're divorced recently) staying out late and sleeping in the car instead of coming in the house (dh was a crier) as if it was an amusing anecdote. I told her that was horrible and I couldn't have stayed with someone like that.

I would feel a bit more sorry for her if she wasn't quite snide with it tbh. Subtle digs here and there. Dh finds it embarrassing when she gushes about him being 'good with the baby'

When I say recently I mean 5 years ago, not yesterday.

I'm not defending her at all, the comments must be really annoying. But if her DH was that bad she must have had an awful time - I'd imagine she's bitter when she sees how much better it could have been if her DH hadn't been a dick.

Could your DH have a word with her?

'It's not luck, we're allowed an interview process these days.'

My DH changed a nappy in a pub the other day, there was a chorus of 'How lovely, a modern man'. from the older ladies. I replied 'Having her was a joint decision, so at the moment we're looking after an end each, nature dictates I get the top end.'

It's not just MILs. When I had my first DC, many years ago now, the community midwife told me how lucky I was that my DPs were supporting my return to full-time work. She told me my situation was rare. Nearly all the mums she saw were under attack by their own DMs, let alone their MILs, just for going back to work. My DM was the only woman in her circle who had a career after marriage and she wanted the same for me. The typical criticism from these judgmental grandmothers was that prioritising your work was selfish, ffs. Didn't say that to the DHs, natch.

My mil is like this. It's almost like she's angry that my DH isn't a selfish arse. My late FIL was a nice enough man but very selfish and did no housework, cooking or childcare. I can only guess she's jealous of our dynamic, DHs younger brother is exactly like his old man and is on his 4th marriage because all his wives refused to put up with it. Mil predictably thinks the sun shines out of his arse and all his exes are ungrateful bitches

My MIL has changed her tune now btw - she is very complimentary of both of us. I think she sees that actually it's pretty straightforward for both partners to just do what needs doing and she's accepted it. She also accepts much less of FILs bullshit, which is also a good thing.

That's genius Pineapple

YANBU and I like your suggested response!

Your DH needs to have a word with her about packing in the digs and the 'compliments' to him, though.

I have the situation where my MIL is ace and thinks it's all teamwork and DP is doing what he naturally should be doing, it's FIL who comes out with this stuff (who was a useless dad).. One gem was "Wow I can't believe how much he loves his son" after seeing him read to him MIL said "he absolutely adores him, this is what a normal dad is like"

I actually feel sorry for the ones who had useless partners/husbands but they should support it being different now and be happy for their daughters/daughters in law.

'MIL, the 1950s called, they want their sexist attitude back.'

Well we are lucky to live in an age where men do cook and look after children. Former generations, her generation, did not have that. Some men, even now, don't do that - you only have to read some of the threads on mn to know that.

Lucky? No I just have good taste in men and wouldn't put up with any of that "head of the household" crap of old!

Sounds like my mother.

She tells everyone how lucky I am because I have a man that cooked christmas dinner.

Not a soul has gone untold.

My ex-mil, wanted to know if I was going to get up with my new, (shift working) DH, get dressed so I looked proper and decent prepare him a good cooked breakfast then see him off to work.....at 4.30 am!!!!
She obviously didn't take into account that I worked full time from 8am and didn't get home until about 6.45pm!

annabel my 94 yo grandfather cooked and did his share of childcare. I appreciate this might be unusual.
My dad worked part time and looked after me when he left the army.
I honestly don't see it as lucky, I see it as just being what it should be.

What did you say, Wdigin?

motherofdragons I did say 'well I wouldn't have married him if he expected me to do everything'
Mil forgets she didn't return to work until he was 13 and then she returned p/t.

A good male friend of mine, was told by his mother that he should change the occasional wet nappy "as your father did so little." But should refrain from changing messy nappies as "It's so undignified for a man."

Luckily, my friend had his 2 older sisters, me and ironically his 90 year old grandmother around to reacquaint him with reality. His wife is lovely, very tolerant and has an excellent sense of humour (which is much needed with her in laws!).

yesichanged - your dad and grandfather were exceptional. I too think equality is exactly as it should be. My point is that from her perspective and experience it probably does seem lucky. Things have changed massively for women over the last 40 years or so. I think the older generation are entitled to be in awe of the changes. It wasn't that long ago that women had no financial independence, stayed in horrible marriages, were responsible for all things domestic and child related etc... I feel very lucky that I was never a 50's housewife and my daughter can look forward to opportunities never afforded my grandmother..

Women really are their own enemy sometimes! YANBU!!!

It's funny actually as my grandmother had my mum & aunt in the late 50s and she worked full time so she was never even a 1950s housewife I guess I've never encountered this attitude as in my family it's so alien.