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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I ask DH to back off from these friends?

31 replies

JumpingJellybeanz · 06/01/2017 13:35

DH has a long standing friendship with an ex colleague (H). Both academics who get together to cogitate on the latest research and share tips on dodgy cardigans. Occasionally we get together as couples. H's partner (S) is nice enough but we've not really hit it off as friends, just acquaintances really.

Last year at ours S met a new friend of mine (B). They hit it off straight away as they're from the same country. After this we received more invites for both us which were also extended to B. At first I didn't mind but S and B were increasingly slipping into their native language and I felt a bit surplus to requirements.

The last couple of times I've been left out completely, not even invited. If they were pursuing their own friendship separately that'd be fine, but they're not. It's like B is being treated as DH's +1 because S likes her more. DH agreed it was rude and inappropriate so started turning down all invites and just having his regular get together with H at their sports club.

All would be fine except he's gone today and S and B have gatecrashed as S thought it'd be nice if they could all have lunch together because it's been a while. They're also really keen to have a go at the sport so are talking about making it a regular thing.

Would this piss you off?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 06/01/2017 13:38

Yes, very much so. I think your DH is going to have to be blunt with his friend H and say that he wants to meet without S. there should be no problem, after all, they're happy to not include you on the invite so partners aren't automatically in the invite.

DailyFail1 · 06/01/2017 13:52

DH has to arrange meetings with his friend without his spouse, or give up meeting the friend entirely. The spouse is being ridiculous treating your friend as your dh's plus 1. It's both of you or neither of you - your dh needs to make that happen asap.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/01/2017 13:55

I wouldn't be happy.
DH should tell his friend that they meet just the 2 of them or only with both partners.

It is not on for 'S' to manipulate the meetings to just the 4 of them.

ofhorse · 06/01/2017 13:58

Yanbu. This would really annoy me. And your DH should not go along with it if it is upsetting you in any way, which it clearly is.

FinnMcCool · 06/01/2017 13:59

Yes, that would piss most people off.
Your DH needs to be very blunt with his friend.

BIgBagofJelly · 06/01/2017 13:59

Errrr of course that's rude. My DH was an academic has plenty of geeky academic friends and none would dream of doing this. Your DH should insist that they either meet up alone or all partners are invited

HelenaGWells · 06/01/2017 14:00

It's all very wierd. Your DH and H just going out, fine. Him bringing his partner and her then bringing your friend is very wierd as it makes a mismatched foursome.

I would expect it to either be just your DH and him, 2 sets of couples OR all 5 of you.

prettywhiteguitar · 06/01/2017 14:03

Very strange behaviour and I would expect dh to pass on meetings where you are effectively excluded from

TheNaze73 · 06/01/2017 14:04

YANBU. People that won't meet without their partners tagging along all the time, so my head in

TheNaze73 · 06/01/2017 14:04

Do even!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2017 14:17

I'd also be pissed off that B didn't even bother with you. I assume she isn't really a friend any more.

LockedOutOfMN · 06/01/2017 14:18

Not sure what country these people are from. Every summer, we are kindly invited to stay with foreign friends at their house on the coast. This year, the children were enrolled playing sports and one day I said - chit chatting really - that I wanted to try out one of the sports which I'd never done before. Next thing, I know, my friends (a couple), the brother and I have made up a foursome to go and play. The brother has a wife who's also staying with us and I know to enjoy sports. But fine, I think it's just so I can give it a try, how nice of them (if a bit OTT). However, after that, it's organised more or less every day that the four of us go and play and then even when my friends aren't available, the brother and I play against other pairs! I found it all a bit awkward even though the brother was never inappropriate; I don't find him attractive and I think the feeling's mutual (his wife is stunning. She didn't seem to mind). In the end, I faked an injury so the matches stopped. But I don't think any of them found it awkward which may just be how their family behaves, or a wider cultural thing.

This is only mildly relevant to the OP, as in, I'm trying to say that her husband's friend's wife may not think that she is deliberately excluding OP. However, deliberate or not, she is, and the meetings need to include OP whether or not they include the new friend too (B). OP's husband needs to make this clear for the future. Today sounds like an ambush!

ems137 · 06/01/2017 14:19

Why can't the women just arrange things by themselves? I don't get why the only time they see each other if her and your DH is there? Weird!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/01/2017 14:23

YANBU!

Why can there only be 4 people in the group though? I can understand why S & B enjoy each others' company, but why does B have to be included at your expense? Confused From what you've said, B was a friend of yours before she even met S?

A question for MN regulars - is this what is meant by "being Wendied"? I've never quite understood that expression (sorry to derail OP).

Original poster
JumpingJellybeanz · 06/01/2017 14:26

No I don't really see B anymore.

They're German LockedOut

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 06/01/2017 14:31

YANBU. ts all a bit playground, isnt it? They dont seem to mind that its rude to your DH as well as you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2017 14:40

Dh is French. Was in a group of friends, where it was fine if you were any nationality if male but needed to be French if female. Governed by some queen bee women. Jealous of me, bitched behind my back and really just wanted to steal dh. I finally said something to one of them taking the piss out of our generosity and treating me with such little respect when she went too far. They all turned on me. It was pretty nasty stuff. We no longer have contact with them. Yay!!

It's a real shame when you're not being accepted and have been frozen out. I'd encourage friendships elsewhere tbh. But I would be fine with dh meeting up with him on his own. Otherwise it sounds as though they're trying to steal your dh.

BIgBagofJelly · 06/01/2017 14:43

I don't think this is a German thing (I lived there for a few years and know quite a few German people still) I think it's a nasty spiteful person thing. Also kind of plain weird. If They don't like you fine, but why not just meet up, just the two of them instead of hijacking your DH and his friend's meeting.

shovetheholly · 06/01/2017 14:45

I don't understand the question. If S and B are speaking German, can't you talk to your DH and H instead if all of you are present? I get that it's a bit rude to speak in a language that only some of the party talk, but there are other people there, right? Or have I misunderstood?

I don't think this is necessarily an intentional slight - academics can be really, really bad about talking shop outside of work; it's one of those professions where it's often a real vocation so people live and breathe it socially as well as occupationally, and there is a lot - and I mean a LOT - of gossip too. For some people, it is so much their whole life that they literally don't really know how to interact outside it. (I honestly think it's healthy for academics to have contacts and interest outside of their profession, otherwise it can actually be unhealthy and a bit lacking in perspective). I think you have to embrace that a bit, but maybe also find other groups and areas of your life that don't function the same way.

I speak as the wife of a Prof and head of department!! Grin

MPerspective · 06/01/2017 14:49

Have you communicated your feelings and the way you see things to your DH? He needs to understand, and he needs to make sure you're not being singled out. If he can't do that, then you have issues more at home to resolve first.

RedHelenB · 06/01/2017 14:50

You made it clear you didn't want to go along any longer so I really dont see the problem? Why does everything have to be couples or singles?

FetchezLaVache · 06/01/2017 14:50

This would piss me off too. Why on earth can't S and B just arrange to get together on their own? Why does anybody's husband have to accompany them?

tigermoll · 06/01/2017 14:52

Just to play devil's advocate...

Your H, his friend, B and S all get on and enjoy spending time together. It seems like you're not really fussed about spending time with S, and you have a separate friendship with B. So it's not like you feel hurt/left out/wish you could be closer to B and S. Sounds like you wouldn't really enjoy time spent with this foursome, even if you were regularly invited.

So you want your husband to duck out of this friendship group because....your H is married? Therefore he should either socialise with you present, or exclusively in the company of males?

Could it be a bit dog-in-the-manger? You don't want to be included, so he isn't allowed to be either?

TheAntiBoop · 06/01/2017 14:54

I don't think the dh does enjoy the group. He just wants to see his friend from what's been said

DailyFail1 · 06/01/2017 14:56

Tigermoll - the friend is OP dh's plus one not OP. That's a huge problem in my book.

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