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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister doesn't understand loneliness?

68 replies

SidAndNancy · 05/01/2017 20:20

I've always lived with someone (room mates, boyfriend etc) and now living on my own. I've been doing the place up so I've been living between my parents and there whilst work has been done.

Anyway I commented to my sister that I was nervous about moving in and living completely on my own and basically being lonely.

She said she understood and when she drops her daughter off at school and her husband is at work she too feels lonely.

Aibu to think this is entirely different?

OP posts:

terrythetrex · 05/01/2017 22:27

You seem to want to out do her or dismiss her feelings, so you win the loneliness prize. Why can't you accept she feels lonely also, why does yours have to be worse

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 05/01/2017 22:28

I have a good relationship with DH and two cheerful kids, but my first maternity leave was my loneliest time in my life despite having been single for a long time when I was younger and living alone during some really tough times. I have also experienced loneliness in a crowded room. I think it is more about a sense of isolation or disconnection as much as the physical proximity of other people.

You also have to factor in your need for connection and nurturing at a given point in time. When you have young children or babies you are often at the very bottom of the heap at a time when you arguably have a greater need for connection, support and nurturing. I found the chit-chat at mother & baby groups really superficial and 'Facebook bright & breezy'. I cracked at one mother & baby coffee morning in desperation and said how hard I was finding things, how lonely it was & it was like breaking a dam where others also spoke from the heart - it was probably the most honest, nurturing two hours I had in 6 months' maternity leave of (emotional) tumbleweed-filled days. Despite loving my son very much & bonding well, I was so glad to get back to work with my lovely colleagues.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 22:29

"You seem to want to out do her or dismiss her feelings, so you win the loneliness prize. Why can't you accept she feels lonely also, why does yours have to be worse hmm"

Imagine someone is so poor they have no money for food. A rich person tells them "I know how you feel. I can't afford a superyacht". If the poor person was insulted at this comparison would they be "trying to win the poverty prize"?

HorridHenryrule · 05/01/2017 23:00

I think what she means is Gwen is why cant she show compassion towards her sister when she is opening up to her. Rather than judging her sister for her comment they could have both had a meaningful conversation about how each other felt. They could have supported one another through it.

TheNaze73 · 05/01/2017 23:03

One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.

NapQueen · 05/01/2017 23:11

gwen with all due respect that simply isn't a suitable comparison.

The op is not the equivalent of the poor person and the sister is the the equivalent of the richer.

A suitable alternative would be where the OP was complaining (eg) that she hated her commute to work of 30 mins stood upright on a heaving train and her sister was comparing it to her 1 hour drive to work.

He op presumably thinks she has the hardship as she us uncomfortable and stressed, finding it hard to understand what's bad about a lone comfortable car journey.

Meanwhile the sister feels that whilst her commute may be comfortable, it is 100% longer than the ops and time is precious to her and what she wouldn't give for to spend half her time travelling.

Neither scenario is worthy of being labelled "the worst" and there a reason merits and problems with them both.

What is needed from the OP (and I cannot say from the sister as I've no idea of her thoughts), is some acceptance that while their own circumstances may seem a challenge, they cannot be entered into a race to the bottom.

NapQueen · 05/01/2017 23:11

And the sister is not he equivalent of the rich

corythatwas · 05/01/2017 23:41

Poverty is at least partly an objective thing: inability to get the food the body actually needs, inability to keep the house at a suitable temperature.

Loneliness otoh is a subjective thing. Some people can live alone for a lifetime and never feel lonely; others will feel lonely if left over a weekend.

The OP feels lonely because she lives alone. I did not feel lonely during the years I lived alone. Who is to say which one of us is "right"?

misshelena · 05/01/2017 23:52

Haha Alice... So true though.

OP, you described your loneliness as the feeling you get from living alone, which is the same type of loneliness as what your DS is talking about. But maybe what you mean is that you feel lonely because you don't have someone important in your life who is dependent on you? This would be a different kind of loneliness than DS' who obviously has at least 2 ppl who depend on her.

TheStoic · 05/01/2017 23:53

I felt far lonelier when I was married than I do now, living as a single woman with my kids with their father for half the week.

Loneliness is a mindset, not a lifestyle.

RortyCrankle · 06/01/2017 00:52

Mouseinahole
I am in my 70s and have never ever lived alone and am terrified that if dh dies first I will have to. My dd says I can live with them but that would be intrusive I think. Honestly I don't think I could bear it.

I'm totally the opposite - also in my 70s, have lived alone for many years have never ever felt lonely and would find sharing my home intolerable.

OP, it's not a competition.. You haven't even moved in to your new home so you don't even know if you will be lonely and your sister is perfectly entitled to her own feelings so I think YABU.

MimiSunshine · 06/01/2017 03:52

What was your sister supposed to say? "I understand, I'd hate to be single and moving into a house alone like you, it'd be awfully lonely. I'm so glad I'm married with a child."

You'd be complaining about a totally different thing then.

And for what it's worth, just a day stretching ahead of you with no company is incredibly isolating and lonely. I've experienced both you and your sisters scenarios and and they both suck, they're just different abd while it was slightly 'worse' when I was in a similar situation to you, saying your sister can't really compare comes across as saying people can't say they're struggling with feeling ill unless it's cancer because it's just not the same

Redsrule · 06/01/2017 04:18

Loneliness is a feeling not a state. Some people could be at the top of a mountain, completely isolated and not feel lonely, others could be in a crowd and feel lonely. Since my DH died I have felt lonely every day even though I am often surrounded by people. You have to respect others perceptions; it is not a competition.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 06/01/2017 04:20

it's a big change from what has so far been your 'normal'.
so yeah, you''ll miss the 'companionship' etc that comes with living with others, but you'll get used to it.

DeathStare · 06/01/2017 05:52

Somebody once told me that the saddest experience she ever had was watching two colleagues who were both widowed in their 40s make barbed comments to each other, each thinking their own grief was worse than the other's.

One woman had been with her DH for 20 years and had primary school aged children. The other woman had been single for a long time then met her DH and he had died without them ever having had children. The first woman saw her grief as being worse as she had to watch their children grieve, because she was unaccustomed to being alone and because she was struggling financially whereas the other woman was financially secure. The second woman saw her grief as worse because she didn't have 20 years of memories to look back on, because after many years alone she had finally found her soulmate and because she had longed for children with her DH and now didn't have any to share memories with and to give her something to keep going for (and now probably never would have children).

One woman's DH died after a long illness. The other died suddenly. All one could see was "At least you got to make special memories and say goodbye". All the other could see was "at least you didn't have to watch him in horrible pain and suffering".

Competing about grief is silly. People experience the same thing in completely different ways and for diffferent reasons. Nobody's experience is better or worse. Grief is a horrible experience to go through - it can be all-encompassing, soul-destroying and difficult for anyone else to understand because it is so individual.

The same is true about loneliness. And you and your sister competing for the title of "loneliest" is equally silly.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/01/2017 08:21

"And the sister is not he equivalent of the rich"

The sister is rich in company compared to the OP who will be living alone and poor in company. I could have compared with other things than money, but you get the point.

As for those people saying you can be lonely in a crowd. Yes, of course that's true, but that's not what's being discussed here as the sister is lonely when her family is out for a few hours.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/01/2017 08:25

"What was your sister supposed to say? "I understand, I'd hate to be single and moving into a house alone like you, it'd be awfully lonely. I'm so glad I'm married with a child."

No, I presume OP would have liked her to say 'If you get lonely you can always come round or give me a ring' or 'We'll make sure we keep in touch so you don't get lonely'. You know, be helpful.

Isetan · 06/01/2017 09:22

The loneliest I have ever been was in a LTR and I didn't realise until I was living alone but then again.

On paper your situations differ but phycologically, who are you to say they are different, have you walked in your sister's shoes? It's not a competition FFS and you living on your own doesn't entitle you to empathy premium.

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