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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister doesn't understand loneliness?

68 replies

SidAndNancy · 05/01/2017 20:20

I've always lived with someone (room mates, boyfriend etc) and now living on my own. I've been doing the place up so I've been living between my parents and there whilst work has been done.

Anyway I commented to my sister that I was nervous about moving in and living completely on my own and basically being lonely.

She said she understood and when she drops her daughter off at school and her husband is at work she too feels lonely.

Aibu to think this is entirely different?

OP posts:
roundtable · 05/01/2017 21:06

Either:

She's trying to empathise with you.

Or

She's dismissing you.

Or

She's being accidentally thoughtless.

Or

She's trying to tell you she's not in a good place at the moment.

You probably know which it is. Act on which one you think it fits.

Congratulations on your new home though. Very exciting! Flowers

Goje · 05/01/2017 21:07

YABU

Loneliness is different. Your loneliness doesn't make hers invalid

Goje · 05/01/2017 21:09

Nobody ever cooks me dinner, nobody ever asks how my day was, nobody ever does the washing up. Being alone every single night is lonely. She has a partner. It's miles apart

You can live with a partner and they never cook you dinner, ask how your day was or do the washing up. That is loneliness too

Mittensonastring · 05/01/2017 21:10

My friend who was single for 16 years and is an extremely wise and profound person announced she was often alone but never lonely.

I have often felt alone though I'm married. It's a state of mind.

Cguk81 · 05/01/2017 21:13

Is she not just referring to that feeling of coming home to an empty house? I would agree with you that it's not comparable to living on your own but it sounds like she is trying to relate to you.
I hope you don't feel lonely in your new home and enjoy having your own space.

ludothedog · 05/01/2017 21:18

I think it's very different. Your sister knows that she may be alone and lonely but when her child and husband comes home she will have company again and her loneliness has ended. Very different to living on your own and having a 2 week holiday in front of you and knowing that if you don't make an effort you won't see anyone for the next 2 weeks. Those long evenings when you have nothing to do and no money to go out. When you are ill and are just looking for a bit of comfort or for someone to nip to the shops for you to get a pint of milk.

Its basically the same argument as my husband works away during the week and so therefore I understand what it's like to be a single mum. Not the same at all.

WitchSharkadder · 05/01/2017 21:19

I think YABU to be honest.

I have a DH and four DCs and I feel lonelier than I ever have before. I used to live completely alone but, between working 2 jobs and my friends, I never felt lonely. Now, however, my friends have moved away or are at very different life stages to me and I can't work anymore because of some complicated circumstances. I spend 8:30-3:30 every day twiddling my thumbs and desperately missing having some company.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 05/01/2017 21:23

I currently live alone. I love it. I certainly don't feel lonely. Smile

I have felt far more lonely in some relationships than I ever felt living alone.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 21:24

"OP you can go out and socialise.You whenever you like. You can be hermit like whenever you like. You are beholden to no one."

Not really true is it. She probably has a job so can't be a hermit and can't go out much during the week because she needs to be well-rested for work the next day. As a single person I'm often torn between a weekend where I don't get anything done because I'm out all the time or one where I get to rest and do housework, but end up bored. To not be lonely I'd have to make plans to meet with people and compromise.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 21:26

"Considering you haven't lived either of those situations"

Eh? Surely everyone's been home alone for 6 hours a few times!

SortAllTheThings · 05/01/2017 21:29

Loneliness isn't about being on your own though, maybe she's trying to tell you something. And even if her situation isn't the same, doesn't mean she doesn't understand.

I was in a relationship until recently and never felt so lonely in my life. I'm on my own now and don't feel it so much. It's not always to do with circumstances.

BTW.. After sharing you're probably going to love having the place to yourself! Grin

SortAllTheThings · 05/01/2017 21:30

You mean alone. It's different to lonely.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 05/01/2017 21:33

So you say you feel lonely. Your sister said she understood and sympathised. You are now whingeing about how different it is and how she doesn't understand, despite never having been in her position either.

You sound immature, whiny and spoiled, and I strongly suggest you grow up.

Mouseinahole · 05/01/2017 21:37

I am in my 70s and have never ever lived alone and am terrified that if dh dies first I will have to. My dd says I can live with them but that would be intrusive I think. Honestly I don't think I could bear it.

NapQueen · 05/01/2017 21:40

The difference is gwen you have a choice. Much like the op.

Ops sister probably doesn't have the freedom to make a sole decision on how to entertain herself or what she wants to prioritise for her. She has two other people in her life and home to consider. I imagine she would relish the freedom of those choices.

That can be lonely too.

DailyFaily · 05/01/2017 21:40

Was she not just making conversation by validating your concerns about feeling lonely? What were you hoping she'd say - 'yes, I have felt lonely but clearly not as lonely as you're going to feel'? Unless you feel she's generally over competitive then I'd think she was just trying to be empathic

HorridHenryrule · 05/01/2017 21:48

I agree with Napqueen when you have a family you don't have many choices on what you want to do. That's how I feel in the 12 years of my children's life I have been out twice with friends. I have other priorities and I don't have the time to socialise like I used to before having children.

Seeingadistance · 05/01/2017 21:48

I live on my own, and love it. I felt lonely when I was married.

It is possible that your sister has taken the opportunity your conversation providing of sharing with you a vulnerability of her own - that despite sharing her home, she does experience loneliness.

Butteredpars1ps · 05/01/2017 21:49

OP, are you saying you don't want to live alone?

Notcontent · 05/01/2017 22:00

What Gallavich said. And I agree that your sister was probably just trying to be nice but just doesn't "get it".

I am also a lone parent. When my dd was very little I sometimes used to go a while weekend without speaking to anyone other than in a shop, etc. Now that she is older she is great company and it's a slightly different feeling of loneliness but it's still there. I suffer from anxiety and I think part of it is that I don't have an adult to talk to when I get home, no one to share the burdens of everyday life.

HorridHenryrule · 05/01/2017 22:05

And I agree that your sister was probably just trying to be nice but just doesn't "get it".

Her feelings are as important as anyone else's. I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone else how to feel. Op I think you need to enjoy your freedom now while you choose to keep it. The things you take for granted now will change as soon as you have a family.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 22:21

"I suffer from anxiety and I think part of it is that I don't have an adult to talk to when I get home, no one to share the burdens of everyday life."

Yes, I agree that small problems can grow into a huge bogeyman in your head over a weekend spent alone.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 22:23

"The difference is gwen you have a choice."

Not always. Most of my acquaintances won't just drop everything to go out with me. This idea that single people can just go out and immediately a crowd of friends will meet them in the pub is a myth, at least after the student years.

Eevee77 · 05/01/2017 22:24

Yes it's different but it sounds like she was trying to comfort you OP.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/01/2017 22:25

"She has two other people in her life and home to consider. I imagine she would relish the freedom of those choices."

The person with choices here is actually OP's sister. She chose to get married and have a child. Most single people are single because they haven't met that special person so they have no choice but to be single and make the best of it.

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