Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to buy my 6yo dd the basics only?

66 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 05/01/2017 09:12

And leave her to buy any "nice" "fun" things with her pocket money?

I am sick of DD losing things! In the past week alone she has lost a lovely unicorn woolly hat, a Smiggle notebook, and her brand new Star Wars water bottle from the Disney Store. I understand that this is mega first world problems, but I can't stand how careless she is with her things and her attitude when she discovers it's lost is pretty much "you can buy me a new one!"

So am I unreasonable in thinking that if she buys it with her own money she will be more careful? Or am I expecting too much of a six year old?

OP posts:
HeadDreamer · 05/01/2017 09:41

I buy my 5yo the 'basics' too. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. She gets a woolley hat from the supermarket. A generic sistema water bottle. If she wants a disney one, there's nothing wrong about her 'earning' it. We do similar to mumwhatnothing but not with chores. It's homework. She gets points for getting her spelling right, etc. And they accumulate into money. Or it could an item. Her latest was a Rimmel nail polish for example. I don't understand why anyone objects to a child earning that more expensive version of essentials. It's not like the OP says she'll go without.

Sgtmajormummy · 05/01/2017 09:41

Personally I think 6 is a bit young and I'd expect the stuff she's lost to just have been forgotten somewhere. In school, if her name is on it big and bold in permanent ink, people won't want to steal it, either.
So over-retaliation for having lost something when it turns up later is going to make you look a bit dramatic.

Maybe go for 75/25% basic to special? That way she won't look like a poor cousin and will maybe appreciate the special things a bit more. Birthday and Christmas presents etc included in the 25%.
What she does with her pocket money should be her choice.

leccybill · 05/01/2017 09:42

I was very cross with DD when she begged and begged for those silly Clarks shoes with the toy in then took the toy out to play with at school and 'lost it'.
She was quietly gutted though so I think she learnt her own lesson.

Original poster
BaldricksTrousers · 05/01/2017 09:43

I am glad to hear advice from others that have gone through the same! It's not only my daughter who is careless. I feel like a right twat getting cross over a stupid bottle or hat, but then guilty if I don't replace it that she will do without! Which she's in no danger of. I need to stop enabling as well!

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 05/01/2017 09:43

Have you been to school, gone into her classroom and looked yourself? That's what I do. Often the things are in silly places or in the lost property box.

perfectlybroken · 05/01/2017 09:44

My 5 year old is similar, while he doesn't get pocket money so doesn't buy his own stuff, I do make it clear that if he loses something he loves, it won't be replaced. He had a lovely hat for the summer, which he loved, and left somewhere. It actually only cost £3 so I could have easily replaced it, but I felt he needed to learn a lesson from it. So I think for example if he lost an expensive water bottle I would replace with a cheap boring one, similar to what you are suggesting.

Sgtmajormummy · 05/01/2017 09:45

Sorry, cross posts about labelling! Slow typer...

HeadDreamer · 05/01/2017 09:46

To those who says 6 yo can't lose things. Doesn't yours go to school? Mine has lost school cardigans, water bottles and hair ties. I'm lucky the cardigan and water bottles all all came back eventually via the school as they are labelled. But hair ties she's only got the plain big pack from supermarket now. She knows she only gets pretty ones for christmas, birthdays and earning them. They won't be replaced with more pretty ones. Same with gloves. They are so easily lost.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 05/01/2017 09:47

DS had a lovely wooly hat, not cheap but it's hard finding nice hats that sit well on his large knobbly head. It got lost after a couple of weeks. Didn't turn up at school despite a name tag. He's ended up with a cheap plan adult one from B&M that meets the criteria of keeping his head warm and actually covering his head. I wasn't going to rush into town and pay a minimum of £3 for parking on top to buy a fancy replacement ASAP.

I don't expect a 6 year old to be perfect at managing their possessions, but they should care, make some effort to find them and begin understand that things can't be instantly replaced and have a cost to it. 6 is old enough to be changing themselves at school and do Rainbow/ Beaver sleepovers so they are beginning to be independent, and in situations where they and their property can't be micromanaged.

PurpleMinionMummy · 05/01/2017 09:49

If stuff will turn up later then there's even less reason to replace it with an equally expensive or nice item.

Some kids rarely lose stuff and it's not an issue to just replace it. When you have a child who would lose their head if it wasnt screwed on AND doesn't see the problem with constantly forgetting/losing stuff because they think you can just buy them another, how are they going to learn to be more responsible if you automatically buy them a new one every single time? .

Original poster
BaldricksTrousers · 05/01/2017 09:50

Yes Somewhat. The schools and clubs expect her to have some responsibility for her possessions, so why not me as well?

When she lost the hat I literally called 10 shops and cafes the next day asking after it (we went a lot of places). I am part of the problem!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 05/01/2017 09:53

I don't blame you for not replacing things and making her wear, say, her old hat rather than buying a new one of her choice. Deliberately only buying her boring things and making her pay for hats with pocket money seems harsh though. She is only 6. Her things are still at least partly your responsibility.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2017 09:53

"" I did have hopes that she could be responsible for some small things...""

Some six year olds can't be, children, like adults vary. I don't bother wearing jewellery, because somehow I lose it.

It's the "you can buy another", that's the issue. Mine would have been massively disappointed to lose something, but I was a struggling LP.

I think when you are out, you perhaps need to take over and don't give her money, that's unnecessary.

Whilst she should appreciate her stuff, you've got to make allowances for an individual child's personality. Some children don't get responsible until around eight.

Artandco · 05/01/2017 09:53

But at school it's still parents responsibility in a way. Parent labels items. If hat/ bottle/ cardigan lost it's also parents responsibility to go into school and have a look for it in classroom or lost property. Child can try and keep things together but often in a place like there's 20-30 children who could be moving or taking by mistake

didgeridooda · 05/01/2017 09:54

My DD is a teenager and still loses everything and doesn't care. I now make her pay for replacements out of her own money, which she doesn't have much of. Hasn't yet resulted in her not losing things, unfortunately. She has even, on several occasions, lost money itself, by leaving it around, or on one famous occasion dropping a £10 note down a drain (drains man happened by and rescued it).

MilkRunningOutAgain · 05/01/2017 09:55

My DS never loses anything and never has. My DD loses loads of stuff. I often buy her stuff she loves, from Smiggle, etc for Christmas and birthdays. If she loses it we go back to the more basic stuff from supermarkets and Smiths. I would not even think of buying her treats except for birthdays etc. But she doesn't go without. She does nag for new stuff constantly, I ignore. If she earns money doing chores, eg washing the car, hoovering, she can spend it as she likes, which generally means even more glitter glue.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2017 09:55

""The schools and clubs expect her to have some responsibility for her possessions, so why not me as well?""

As long as it's done with affection and caring, otherwise at six and under ten, you'd be being quite harsh.

Original poster
BaldricksTrousers · 05/01/2017 09:59

I will say that although I may gripe at her I don't yell or punish her for losing things, as heck I still lose things occasionally (often). I'm not mean about it. Just fed up I suppose!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaldricksTrousers · 05/01/2017 10:03

My DH just lost a very nice woolly hat I bought him for Christmas last year, so maybe it runs in the family Grin

OP posts:
PeppaIsMyHero · 05/01/2017 10:03

YANBU. If my 6yo has something "special" that he breaks or loses he either waits for xmas / birthday for a replacement or earns the equivalent money doing simple tasks. I don't get cross with him about it but use it to explain that the things he wants have to be paid for.

1horatio · 05/01/2017 10:04

I used to lose everything. Once a beautiful Sami backpack with my gym dress, which I never got back and in some weird way am still upset about...

Anyhow, I like this suggestion:
She will need to learn the value of items, not just the cost. Tell her how much the items cost and then make her work to the value of the items. Washing up, cleaning her room, weeding the garden until she has "paid" for the items and understands how hard people have to work to afford nice things. Then she can "earn" new things by continuing her chores I suppose.

It's much better than being angry or anything. Just a really clear consequence.

triskellionoflegs · 05/01/2017 10:08

While not replacing sound good in principle, school will expect kids to have adequately warm clothing for winter (Inc hats and gloves), and some sort of water bottle, so I don't think that advice is really workable. Just get dull, cheap stuff and/or, only let them wear their nicest things when ur with them and have time to check.

Notso · 05/01/2017 10:08

School's don't make it easy for children to keep their things together IMO. My kids have one peg for coat, hat, PE kit and lunch bag. They are all quite close together.
Things drop off or get knocked down, then someone else kicks it along next to someone else's peg and then a helpful person puts it on the wrong peg.
I don't really send anything other than 'the basics' to school. Less chance of being taken by someone else and not too expensive to replace.

With the hat if that was my six year old, I would feel responsible. When mine are with me hats and gloves are on the kids or in my bag or theirs if they have one.

WorkAccount · 05/01/2017 10:11

my son lost his gloves, the day he wore them to school. they hadn't been labeled as he was not allowed to wear these gloves to school (waterproof ski gloves).
He had to make snowballs in woolen gloves that year.

noramum · 05/01/2017 10:16

It depends on the circumstances and the attitude. If it is because she is careless and is not bothered that things are lost - tough, I am not replacing it with a fancy option. We had this when DD comes home from gymnastics, a sock missing here, sweatpants missing the next week etc, she didn't feel like she should look for them or ask the trainers for help. Sorry, a child is able to keep track of some items if she puts them neatly together. In our case DD had to pay for a replacement, even if it was just a couple of quid at Sports Direct.

At school I often find it difficult as I think there is a black hole where items end up, never to be seen again. Even decently labelled times vanish. Our school also had things stolen, the school considered a Smiggle ban for a term, the children now have to take pencil cases home instead of leaving them at school.

I have plain alternatives for all things at home, if a bottle/hat/gloves etc are gone then she uses them until I may replace it.