Just to start by stating I’m a man. I and my wife are expecting in the Spring so as we wait, I’ve been doing as much research as possible on babies and being a parent.
My dad died when I was 9 ( car accident). My mother had problems with drugs. So the situation living with her as a child was chaotic to say the least. She’d be gone for three days and I’d be home alone, consuming plain cereal because there was nothing else to eat. She resulted to prostitution to fund her habits, and one night one of her customers sexually assaulted me, while she was too busy getting high. I was 11. This experience scarred me for a long time - to the point that I grew up averse to any kind of physical, emotional and sexual contact with a female. My wife, a very special woman (we married last year) is the only woman I’ve kissed. This was at age 24. Prior that I had never even as much as gone on a date with a woman. And believe me, that first kiss was one of the most difficult and nerve-wracking things I’ve ever done. Ridiculous, I know.
By the time I was 14 I was taken in by my uncle. I grew up with him while my mother did her thing. I didn’t see or hear from her for 6 years (until I was 20). She was still using then. Disappeared again after like a year. I didn’t see her again for another few years until eight months ago. She said she was clean (definitely looks it) and that she was done with using. She does seem to have turned her life around. She’s now got a job, and she is regularly attending church. She has continued to apologise. She said she wanted to establish a relationship. I told her I don’t want her in my life and that I never want to see her again.
Now she’s been whining in my uncle’s ear about how I have cut her out of my life – at how I am depriving her of her future grandchild. My uncle (my mother’s brother) told her she has no right after everything she did. Having my mother around makes my life difficult. The more I hear about her (even though she’s seemingly clean right now) the more I remember what happened. I become distant with everyone – I pretty much revert to the person I was in my childhood and early adulthood. I cut everyone and everything off. I build a mental fortress and refuse to leave it. Growing up the only friends I had were novels.
And right now my wife is the one suffering because of it. We’re extremely close and we have always told one another so much. But right now I’m keeping my distance. And I hate myself for it. My wife doesn’t deserve this at all. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I spoke to a priest about this and he told me to learn forgiveness. To forgive my mother. But I can’t. I just can’t. I harbour so much anger, hate and resentment towards her. But even with all these feelings, I still love her. Something I find difficult to understand.