Aibu to not want to go on holiday with my husbands whole family?

[SpeckyBecky8]

Sorry if this turns into a long post / rant. My dh mum has booked a villa in Portugal so we can all go on holiday together. She is paying for the villa plus everyone's flights, which I do appreciate as being extremely generous, the most generous thing anyone has ever done for us. However...
The family are not even really friends. He has 2 brothers and their partners (1 sil and 1 soon to be sil). Plus his father, our 2 kids and one other boy.
His father drives everyone crazy and can be hard to stick, though a decent enough sort. They were on holiday last July and said they saw all these other families with their children and grandparents and thought it looked so lovely that we all should do it. It is a romanticised view of something I feel would be a total disaster!

My sil has never really liked me. I have no idea why and have asked other members if they know but no-one does. Dh and me have been together 10 yrs, married 5. Before we got married she was just awkward to speak to, me making all the conversation, her never asking anything about me or my fanily/life. This was annoying but bearable for family gatherings. But since we've been married it has taken a nasty turn with her constantly giving me dirty looks and a cold shoulder. When my son was born almost 5 years ago, we lived away and brought him home at 6 weeks. She came in to the inlaws house, walked past us without saying a word, went into the kitchen and got herself a drink. It was so nasty! But I was sleep deprived and in newborn shock so didn't take her on. My mil practically forced her to hold ds even though I was livid about it. At the time excuses were made such as she was jealous (she had lost a baby at 20 weeks pg 2 years before) but she has sisters and friends with children and she's nice to them. We moved home soon after and it was much of the same, cold shoulder and general rotten ess. When I was about 7 months pg with my dd 2 years ago I ran into her up the town. She tried to cross the road to avoid me but couldn't and walked right past me. I literally had no idea why! I rang dh crying (hormones!) And he rang his mum and his younger brother to ask what I'm supposed to have done but all they could say was it was obvious she hated me, she made it clear in front of everyone, but no one knows why.
After my dd was born she was in intensive care a while and the sil sent me some really nice messages. I couldn't believe it. But I was in my own personal hell and had no energy to be on my high horse so I replied to her in a nice way and when dd came out they came to visit and brought a present. Since then however she blows hot and cold and I've just had enough! I'm not a confrontational person, I like a quiet life, but I don't want to be treated like crap either so I'd rather just stay away from her.
We had to spend boxing day with the whole family and she made such a huge difference in the way she speaks to and interacts with everyone, especially the soon to be sil. We do secret Santa and her and her husband got me and the other sil. It was obvious she bought both gifts, they were the same type of gift but very very different. Bottle of wine, hers nice mine cheap, jewellery, hers nice bracelet mine cheap earrings (I don't have my ears pierced) and a candle, hers champagne and pomegranate mine a cinnamon one I saw in the pound shop. There was simply no need for it!
Anyway me and dh had a blazing row when we got home and I said I couldn't stay under the same roof as her for a whole week, that I'd been putting up with this for years, that no one, not even him, stood up for me or said anything to her. But he now thinks I'm very selfish because we can't afford to go on holiday ourselves and ds has been talking about it so much.

Aibu to not want to go? I was thinking of saying I will stay at home with dd (she's 20 months and the thought of a 3 hr plane journey with her fills me with dread anyway) and dh could take ds so as not to spoil his fun? It would break my heart being away from ds for so long and I realise I'm making the gap in the family wider but honestly, all they do is bitch and moan about everyone else I can't believe mil ever thought it would be a good idea!!

Sorry again for the long post, dh won't listen to me :(

It's not that he doesn't care about me

If he truly cared he would not let his wife be treated this way. Cowardice would not get in the way of his loving you, caring for you and wanting to protect you

He is the person to be really upset with

A holiday shouldn't cause you this much angst and misery. I simply would not go and I wouldn't be too impressed with dh if he put pressure on me to give in and go.

I wouldn't be parted from my children either.

I realise others wouldn't agree with this approach. Although, I see the majority on this thread think YANBU.

She's suffered a miscarriage so can do no wrong, obviously..

Sorry if that seems harsh, but the behaviour the OP described is actively unpleasant and unkind, rather than the avoidance etc you may empathise with if seeing the OP's babies was difficult for SIL.

I think it would be really sad if you and your family missed out on this holiday. I know you've raised other concerns, but I get the impression that without the SIL issue in honesty you'd have bitten MIL's hand off.

Could you and / or your OH approach your MIL and express your gratitude for the holiday, but sound your concerns about the way SIL behaves around you and the chance this may sour it for everyone? You say it's been discussed before, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to MIL. Put the ball in her court - if she wants the big family holiday then she needs to force the issue with SIL?

It's completely ludicrous and unkind for everyone in the family to know and accept that she dislikes you but not to enquire as to why / not to tell you if they do know. Really disappointing that nobody has addressed this - including yourself, OP.

Oh, and there's no way I'd inflict a holiday with my family, lovely as they are, on dh.

I really think you need to ask her, directly face to face not a text, what exactly her problem is & have it out with her. as you've said, whatever you do you're going to be the bad guy so get it sorted once & for all.
I also agree that if your DH truly cared he wouldn't let this bullshit continue

I agree totally with room on the Broom. This has got to be sorted out for the sake of the holiday and long term family ties. Speak to her face to face (text wont help) and find out what the problem is. Suffering a miscarriage is not an acceptable reason for her to behave like this. Even if the reason is that she simply doesn't like you on clash if personality level, she needs to grow up and be pleasant to you regardless. If you brush this under the carpet and refuse to go on holiday it might damage your relationship with DH (who should be doing something himself to sort her out IMO).

Say to her " I'm considering going on this holiday, but you seem to hate me, which might make it a bit uncomfortable. What have you got to say about it?"
If she denies it let her know everyone rise acknowledges it. Not to much of a confrontation. Oh, and get your husband to TOTALLY back you up.

A still birth can totally fuck with emotions. The grief can be unbearable. However, that doesn't excuse her poor behaviour to you.

Is it worth talking to her or the mil?

Let your DH go with DS and maybe take a short break with your DD somewhere in the UK. Could you visit a friend or family member for a few days instead?

Stay at home with your dd. This would just drive me nuts.

We're negotiating 3 days away with the bil, who is determined to have us there this year after failing to tempt us (with a 7 hour drive!!). I find his dc very hard work, very rude and spoilt. Luckily, my dh sympathises and feels the same.

I think your DH should step up and speak to his sil.

Hell would freeze over before I would go on that holiday. DH can go if he likes but I would keep both children safely at home with me. Oh and just don't bother speaking to SIL. Freeze her out too xx

I think that for future family relations, regardless of the holiday, you need to talk directly to SIL.

Not mean or challenging or nasty. Something like, "I wanted to talk to you about how things are with us". Make a time to meet and talk about things. Face to face and calmly.

There could be a thousand reasons and only she knows what they are. I tend to think that people normally have reasons for what they do. And the reason is normally not, "they're an evil bitch". Because people aren't generally bad or good. She is behaving terribly, but you need to find out why.

And, think about it, you are raising a child. Do you want another generation of carpet-brushing, avoidant passive aggressive people or could you model good communication so that your child knows what that looks like?

Hm! I think if you don't go then you will become the bad guy in the eyes of the rest of he family and any chance that they might notice her behaviour to you will go.

You don't have to be in each others pockets all the time. You and your DH could hire a car and have days out just you and the kids. And when you do have to be together surely countering any nastiness from her with breezy good nature will make her look like an idiot.

I understand your worries about the pool but you are not the only adult there. Surely you can have that angle covered when you get there

YANBU. I'd say thanks but no thanks. If they don't like it, tough. They should have stood up for you at some point. Her losing a baby does NOT give her a free pass to treat you like this at all. Have posters missed the part where the SIL didn't like the OP before anyway so the baby has nothing to do with it.

I get on with my inlaws, and I wouldn't entertain a week away with them, so you are definitely not being unreasonable to not go under these circumstances

At the time we were just speculating about the reason for her nastiness on the day we brought our ds home to meet people. We don't know if her having had a terrible miscarriage had any bearing at all, mil was just trying to find a reason for her behaviour without asking.

So tonight I turned the tv off and asked dh could we talk about it without arguing. I laid out the reasons why I didn't want to go without getting emotional, he didn't say much which annoyed me but one issue at a time. So the result is he is going to ask mil about pool safety etc and after that we will arrange a meeting with his brother and wife. He isn't happy about it, but I made clear that I can live without them in my life but it's his brother and if he wants a relationship with him he should clear the air.
That's how it's been left tonight, it's the second time in 2 years we have said we will confront the issue with them so I'm not holding my breath. However last time there wasn't a deadline like a planned holiday. He is adamant that we will not split the family up for a week so my compromise of him taking ds and me keeping dd for a week isn't an option (though I had warmed to having a girlie week despite missing them rotten).
No matter what I do I feel guilty! I wish I was more brazen/ less caring. I thought by my age I would be more confident and care less what people think of me but it seems this is who I am.

Thank you all for your opinions, it's good to get impartial advice. I have friends but of course they are on my side and cheer me up by laughing about her but I need different perspectives xx

Sorry I'm going to bang on about the pool a bit more ( a cousin of mine drowned in a holiday pool many years ago so it is a subject close to my heart). The thing that makes this sort of set up potentially dangerous is that when there are lots of potential adults to keep an eye, there is a good chance that each one assumes someone else is 'on duty' and then no-one is. Lots of opportunities to get distracted by another person, lots of opportunities for a door to be left open and a little one to wander off. My cousin was 4 - and the adults were right there chatting in the living room - meters away - when she died.

I'm not saying don't go because of the pool (although I wouldn't) I'm saying reassure yourself about the plan for keeping the kids safe before you do.

It sounds as though you and SIL have rubbed each other up the wrong way for a long time. Do you think it's possible that you're now getting into a spiral where you expect her to be unpleasant? Even if you're unconscious of this, it could affect how you relate to your SIL and then how she behaves towards you. It's a vicious cycle. This holiday could give you both a chance to do things differently. She's obviously not a horrible person if she sent those supportive messages when your DD was unwell.

TBH, it sounds like you just don't want to go on holiday with in-laws and that's more than enough reason not to do it! Just don't put it all on your SIL.

Personally, I'd be put off by the unfenced pool. It will not be a nice, relaxing holiday for you if there's an unfenced pool; you'll have to shadow your DC all the time. That is not an exaggeration. Children are fascinated by pools and make a beeline for them. If a toddler knows it will get a reaction by trying to get to the pool, you can bet your life you'll be chasing after them constantly. A determined child can even, as we've seen sickeningly regularly here in Australia, make it past a pool fence. If anyone says, "Oh, but we'd hear them if they went in accidentally," they're wrong. Children don't make a sound.

Are there any viable alternatives that you could discuss with your PIL? Could you book into a small studio / flat nearby?

BarbarianMum I am so terribly sorry to hear that That is every parents worst nightmare and yet it can so easily happen.
When I think about my dd and how independent and stubborn she is, she never does as she's told, is very brave and tries to copy adults including running down stairs one at a time. She's tiny for God sake! If anyone would wander into a pool thinking she could swim it's her, and it fills me with fear.

Crossed post with BarbarianMum. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope my post isn't distressing.

I wouldn't go because of the pool. That is reason enough.

I wouldn't go because of the pool either, for all the reasons PPs have given (& I am No way neurotic!).... best case scenario your holiday will be doubly stressful from not being able to leave either childs side for a moment In case they are drawn to the pool.... in fact this should be the main concern Imo! I also have experience of other adults/family members saying they would look after DC ("to give me a break", also when on a family holiday, never again) then not keeping an eye properly and said DC being found wandering around outside front of chalet...

Don't do it, you will need a holiday afterwards!!

Check out where the villa is. It might be possible for you not to see Much of the in laws.....

If not then don't go. And don't let your DS go. You won't be there to protect him and they might talk about you and you won't be there to make sure he doesn't hear it.

Your DH sounds like he is being blinded by his mother's generosity. She may mean well by it but it sounds like hell.

If your marriage is rocky it is not because of this one decision. Ask him how he is going to make sure it goes well..... what could he do to make it work??

Imo Your sil needs to clear the air before you go. And if she won't then that's it. I wouldn't go.

I ended up on a family hol with my in laws by mistake last summer. Big mistake. Not doing that again.

Btw I wouldn't stay at a villa with a pool without a high fence and pool net if the party was just adults. But with kids as well?. No way. It's an accident waiting to happen. There is your perfect excuse. And certainly don't let DH go and take your kids.