To let DD stop doing the sport she is really good at? Don't know what to do for the best!

[Cellarie]

My DD (only child if it is relevant) is 13 yo, county/regional level at a sport. She certainly has potential to go far - her coaches want her to up her commitment (go for higher level competitions and up her training by a couple of hours a week - she currently does 4 hrs p/w), as they recognise her potential and can see her at national level.

In the past DD has said she wants to push herself as far as she can go (talks of representing England etc), yet at the same time gets really nervous before she competes, and often says she wants to quit just before the comp starts. She then goes on to perform really well!

She is getting to that age where she would prefer not to do anything other than play on her phone - she has given up loads of hobbies/sports, which feels like a shame, but we don't want to dictate to her how she lives her life. However, she is now saying she wants to stop the sport that she is really good at ('I'll take up something else so I don't get unfit' she says).

My questions is - should we encourage/make her carry on despite getting nervous and saying she wants to stop, because this could all be tied up in performance anxiety about not winning (she is a perfectionist!), or should we let her stop and then have her turn round when she is older saying we should have made her carry on as we knew how much she wanted to succeed! It is sort of a sport she could get back into after taking a break, but with other kids continuing she would be constanly playing catch-up if she took a break, so I think it would wreck her confidence.

I wish I knew what to do for the best! You read posts form people saying they wish their parents had let them quit activities, and then posts saying they regret their parents letting them give up!

LOL

Oh, and FWIW, we as parents are not involved in the sport/club at any level so have no personal interest in her carrying on iyswim, and as she is our only, we are happy to drive her to events etc.

Part of making a choice is accepting the possibility that you may change your mind. You may not agree with her reasons but they are her reasons and she is entitled to them. Support her by assisting her in her decision making process but that includes supporting her if her final decision is to quit. She might just need a time out, where she can rediscover her passion for the sport, which is a far more effective motivator than fear of not meeting expectations.

For those posters who regret their decisions now, there's no guarantee that had you been pressured/ encouraged into not quitting, that your now regret wouldn't have been replaced with resentment.

No one has crystal ball.

Six hours a week is not exactly overwhelming and should leave your DD with plenty time to see friends and do homework. I also think the physical, social and mental health benefits of being involved in something at this age should not be underestimated. If your DD really does want to give up I would try and find something that replaces it that she does enjoy.

It's only 6 hours a week, she would still have lots of 'downtime'.

I think this is a very subjective thing.

To me, six hours a week sounds like a lot, and I wouldn't have wanted to do six hours of any one, structured activity a week when I was that age. I do think it depends so much on the child and what they thrive on. Some kids love having lots of activities timetabled for them, and others prefer a more relaxed approach.

It's horses for courses, and neither is better the other. I did precisely zero structured extra-curricular activities from the age of about 12 onwards ... but in my spare time I did reams and reams of creative writing, trained dogs and took them for lots of walks, went wildlife watching, read about a billion books, watched lots of classic films and got really into film study, cooked, taught myself to play a bit of keyboard etc. I wasn't just vegetating in front of the telly and I had a lot of interests and developed a lot of skills.

Sometimes, I think it's not the activity itself that the child has a problem with, but just that they'd like more time on their own rather than being surrounded by other people or having to do things at certain times rather than when they fancy it. Again, I don't think one is better than the other, but I do think that pushing a child to be something they're not can be quite harmful.

The thing I would worry about is that trying to get involved in a new sport at this age is not really going to happen.
I have to move heaven and earth and do a 2 hour journey so ds can train with a football team once per week. He cant be in the team but ds is 14 and at this stage there are no courses for beginners. Ds had to give up foot ball when he was younger because of a medical issue.
My other concern is despite every assurance I recognise the signs and wonder whether from what you say she will just lay in bed and be in on her phone all night.

Just to put the 6 hours in perspective at your dds age my dd was doing 26 hours per week extra as well as spending 1/2 her school week practicing. It was part of the schools curriculum. She was not alone. It meant that when they went to college they all got scholarships. DD is currently saving us £33000 over the next 3 years.

Once again, thank you for your responses. A mixed bag, and very interesting.

I think I will try and have a detailed conversation with DD to get to the bottom of why she is saying she wants to stop.

I', not ot quite sure what I will do if she says it is a combo of wanting to hang out with friends instead, fear of not winning and general not feeling the love for it as much as she used to. I can't change those things for her. I guess I will suggest she try to push through for a bit and suggest a timeframe and then reconsider then?

As I said, she really does have potential (and it is an Olympic sport for those that asked), but maybe she doesn't have the mental attributes to go alongside the physical ones if she isn't able to rationalise the negative aspects of taking it to the next level?

I'm glad I asked you lot though

I'd encourage her to keep at it personally. But, even if she has the physical talent, if her heart and mental state isn't in it, she will never make it to the top. I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like you need to drill down into why she really doesn't want to do it anymore.

I was v good at something in my teens. My parents insisted I stuck with it. I grew to hate it.

You might want to have a read of some of the "how to be an elite athlete" type books that there are out there. I don't have any particular one to recommend but I do regularly dip in and out of articles on the internet. sometimes the reason kids want to give up isn't fear of failure but fear of success. they know what success means - more training, more hours, more sacrifice. I would read up on motivation and sport yourself first before talking to her so that you know how to guide and lead the discussion. one of my dc is an athlete - GB level at age group. every year the amount of time needed to be invested ramps up - not just doing the sport but all the fitness that goes with it. My dc has had to sacrifice days out with friends, time with family and all other hobbies have gone. but its my dc's choice to do this.

honestly, I would have a read around first then have the discussion.

To add my experience, I gave up almost all of my hobbies at 13/14, including doing a sport I was very good at, and I later regretted it. I took it up again as an adult and got to a high (international) level but always lacked the technical finesse I would have had if I had continued to train as a child. Can your daughter get back into running if she wants to? What is the long term impact on her stopping? Can you get this information from her coach?

Is she getting peer pressure to be with her friends. Is it because, I don't mean this in a mean way but are her friends jealous and want her to be the same as them and are pulling her down because they don't want her to go off and make something of herself they would rather she did exactly what they are doing.

I know dd had this sort of thing when she was at primary. In Senior school I put her into a school where everyone was like her. She suddenly fitted in. The emphasis on training and working as opposed to going on playdates or sleepovers didn't make her the odd one out.

I don't think it is unusual for athletes to want to give up from time to time.
The Steve Redgrave quote after finishing a race, Something like "If you see me near a boat again. Shoot me" 4 years later he was winning gold again at the next Olympics