To let DD stop doing the sport she is really good at? Don't know what to do for the best!

[Cellarie]

My DD (only child if it is relevant) is 13 yo, county/regional level at a sport. She certainly has potential to go far - her coaches want her to up her commitment (go for higher level competitions and up her training by a couple of hours a week - she currently does 4 hrs p/w), as they recognise her potential and can see her at national level.

In the past DD has said she wants to push herself as far as she can go (talks of representing England etc), yet at the same time gets really nervous before she competes, and often says she wants to quit just before the comp starts. She then goes on to perform really well!

She is getting to that age where she would prefer not to do anything other than play on her phone - she has given up loads of hobbies/sports, which feels like a shame, but we don't want to dictate to her how she lives her life. However, she is now saying she wants to stop the sport that she is really good at ('I'll take up something else so I don't get unfit' she says).

My questions is - should we encourage/make her carry on despite getting nervous and saying she wants to stop, because this could all be tied up in performance anxiety about not winning (she is a perfectionist!), or should we let her stop and then have her turn round when she is older saying we should have made her carry on as we knew how much she wanted to succeed! It is sort of a sport she could get back into after taking a break, but with other kids continuing she would be constanly playing catch-up if she took a break, so I think it would wreck her confidence.

I wish I knew what to do for the best! You read posts form people saying they wish their parents had let them quit activities, and then posts saying they regret their parents letting them give up!

LOL

Oh, and FWIW, we as parents are not involved in the sport/club at any level so have no personal interest in her carrying on iyswim, and as she is our only, we are happy to drive her to events etc.

I think what others have said is useful, time with a sports psychologist could be great (but expensive of course) and perhaps just taking the intensity down a couple of notches for a while, just attend practice but take a break from competing etc...

I'm afraid I fall in the camp that thinks she may well regret giving it up in future. I had a similar experience with a sport I was heavily involved in as a junior. Much of my decision to quit came from a temporary loss of motivation and also I knew parents were frustrated at having to ferry me around, the cost of coaching etc... so they couldn't really hide their relief when I quit. As an adult I deeply regret that I quit.

Could this be coming from social media. DD seeing others having fun and is wanting that.

DD did anything from 2-4 hours extra curricular activities per night from the age of 5. She missed birthday parties and even spent her 7th birthday working. She has worked the last few years for nothing over Christmas but to her it is not work and she is now seeing it has been worth it as everything is coming together.

It seems a shame that if you are good at something you would give it up. Given how little time it will take up.

The bit about her taking up another sport at her age is damn near impossible to start as a beginner. I would suggest she carries on. Otherwise she will just be spending her time on her phone. At this age it is for you to guide.

The reason why there are so few Olympians from the potentials age 13 is because a lot give up or just cant be bothered any more.

I know someone that gave up a sport they were very talented at around a similar age and deeply regrets it. The trouble is at this age there are so many other factors that have a big influence, friends, boys, going out, social media etc. and they don't always see the bigger or long term picture. I gave up and activity I had done for several years to join another activity where there was a boy I fancied and then gave that up a short time later My poor parents must have despaired.

It's so hard isn't it? One of my DC is v good at their chosen sport. And I have said when we go to various meets that you can see as the kids get older there are less and less competing. So, if my DC sticks at their sport, although the level gets harder the completion gets less, if that makes sense. But it's very difficult when you are pulling them out of bed at silly o'clock in the morning and it's cold and miserable.
I would suggest sticking with it a bit longer. I gave up a sport-only county level - when I was around 17-18. I still wish someone had talked me out of it

If she likes it outside competitions then encourage her to keep going. She sounds very talented. If she struggles with nerves check out Sport England/BUCS websites for sports psychologists- before I get flamed they are not just for Mo Farah they can help unlock anxiety & give tips to maximise performance.

A small break from competition may help her refresh & poss realise she misses it. I'm late 20's & I still get THE FEAR pre-race....even Laura Trott gets nervous ;-)

DNiece used to be in the national squad for her country at a sport but at 13 has just given up. This meant moving in with her DF as her DM couldn't accept it and wanted to refer her to a psychologist too.

Turns out she wanted a life and to have fun with her friends. She saw older girls in the squad and their commitment and didn't want that for herself as she thought about all the things they were missing out on.

Unless it is likely to be your DD's career I'd let her make her own decision.

I'm shocked by this thread. Parents who "wouldn't let" their children stop an activity they don't enjoy. Parents who who won't let them stop without "a good reason."

Awful, awful, pressured parenting.

If you daughter wants to stop, she should stop. Of course you should explain to her that she might regret it later and that it might be hard to go back to at a good level. But.. if she wants to stop, she wants to stop.

I think you need to sit down with her and her coach to get some professional advice/support. Let the coach lay out to dd in uncertain terms how far she could take the sport. She will regret not continuing forever - I strongly believe you need to try to convince her to go as far as possible. If there are distractions she might need support to take them away - think andy murray style international coaching etc.

I'd ask her after finishing a competition or whatever if she still wants to quit. My DS does ballet and used to say he didn't want to go on the day of the lesson, mainly because he was tired/wanted to watch tv after school. But if I ask him straight after a lesson he always always says he loves it. So the deal is, if he tells me he wants to quit straight after a lesson then he can do so, but if he tells me at any other time he had to do one more lesson then decide. Don't know if that is helpful!

Talking from experience here. I could have represented my region (possibly more) in shot put but listened to peer pressure and stopped as a teenager. Have always regretted it.

I don't think it's awful and pressured at all. It's about mature awareness of time, consequences, opportunities, rapidly changing priorities and the value of deferred gratification. It's so easy to make decisions with detrimental long-term consequences for the sake of very short-term, even illusory gain, as a teenager.

Plenty of children would rather not bother with school, for the sake of playing games today but we all insist on their persistence with that.

Personally I regret dropping an orchestral instrument at about 13. I continued with the piano but lost all the social possibilities of playing in groups as an adult.

Telling me 'no' or getting cross, pushy or disappointed about it wouldn't have worked but I wish someone had talked it through with me, focusing on what might be gained, longer term, by continuing, rather than on exploring or arguing against my immediate reasons for wanting to stop. It was too easy for me to dig my heels in about those - and to feel committed to that path, out of a desire to appear decisive and defend the 'rightness' of my original assertion that stopping was what I wanted. Wanting to be right, or to exert new found self-determination makes it very easy to box oneself into a corner. In my case, I needed to be helped out of that corner and to see past an short-term discouragement, with a bit of positivity.

If there are distractions she might need support to take them away

These distractions are called life! People would be concerned if a child, or their DP were so obsessed with schoolwork that he/she had no time in their life for anything else. No chance to enjoy their childhood, just slog slog slog. There was universal criticism of the published Chinese 'tiger mother' a couple of years ago who drove her children until one finally rebelled. Yet somehow expecting a child to give all of their spare time over to a sport seems to be applauded.

The OP's DD is being expected to give up her childhood and she doesn't want to.

Bordersarethebest how is encouraging her into sport 'giving up her childhood'? There is as much hard work involved in sport as there is in any other field - if your dc is/could be olympic level then your duty as a parent should he to convince them to continue as far as they can go.

Personally, I don't see 6 hrs a week as giving up life. I know there is more to it than just training. Weekend competitions and travelling there & back all impact on your DC and you. But it's not every week. My DC seems to run in clusters, and has an off season. (Although my DC does pick up another event then)

From experience - I got to a reasonable level of sport as a child - regional/teetering on national. With the benefit of hindsight, I actually wish I'd done more - I trained so hard, I would have only needed to train a little bit harder to get to international. So, gutted I didn't really. Also, I can only remember the races and glory now, gone is my memory of early morning starts.

But I'm intrigued - which sport allows you to get to county level on just 4 hours a week? The sports I know about - swimming and gymnastics - are all easily 10 hours a week to be at county level. If it's one of those, then she's super talented!

I don't think 6 hours per week is exactly giving up childhood.

All the extra curricular activities dd has done over the years meant rather than the traditional play dates with the 29 other classmates she found she made friends with loads more boys and girls than just with those in her class. She has so many different friendship groups that she is never short of people to go out with and through the different groups she has found people who are really helping her with career. They help each other out.

It is deferred gratification and dd at 17 is seeing all the sacrifices paying off.

Not knowing which sport it is but she has come this far will she be looking at the Olympics in 2020 which after all is only 3 years away. She is in the final countdown she has done more years than she has to go till she gets out there.

Sometimes as a parent you can't let your children dictate what they want especially when what they want is going to make their life harder

although there's contradictory things on here, I agree with ALL the PPs except the one who said
if your dc is/could be olympic level then your duty as a parent should he to convince them to continue as far as they can go
because I happen to think that's bollocks. No such fucking duty! Either as a parent or as a possible competitor.

So there's much food for thought here, and no rights or wrongs (other than - for me - the comment above)

The things I'd sling into the debate are....
Having an out-of-school activity is good for social life AWAY from school, diminishing it's importance on the social scale. I think this is a good thing.
Is your child developing in a way that makes sport uncomfortable for her? Take this into account!
But I also think sport/activity is helpful for period pain, and I majorly suffered from this. If sport helps lessen it, then it's a good thing in itself!

My DC are not that old but I am I am involved in kids sport. I have read toms of books and articles which include studies about the differnce between those who keep going and those that drop out. Sometimes the coaches and parents see 'the dream' and the DC feel the pressure and decide they don't want it. I'm not saying that is the case here, but some thing to bear in mind. Its hard to know what her chances of actaually competing for England would really be. 4 hours a week is not much for the level she is competing at. As people have said, gymnastics would be more like 12 - 15 min. Swimming would be much more. Personally I'd let her continue as she is for a month and talk lots about the reasons behind and what she wants long term. If she doesnt want a career out of it, the huge benefit is that she will always have a sport/hobby she is now very good at for life. If she does then she needs to think long and hard about long term committment to many more hours being added to her schedule.

My dds dance and spend 6 hrs a week min and that's not at any competitive level ( just local dance festivals). But they enjoy it for all sorts of reasons and that is what matters, I think they both may say in the future - if I had done x, y and Z I could have been better but it 's what you do at the time that matters. I also think a lot of adults have rose tinted glasses when they look back - would they really have achieved what they thought if they had carried on?

Let her give it up, as you say she can come back to it or she may find something else that she enjoys even more.

I'm wondering about the psychology idea. However, she is pretty resistent to being told what to think and it does feel a little OTT for a 13 year old perhaps? A good sports Psych wouldn't frame it as advice... that's the trick of it for that age group.

My Teen Talk includes an outline of Mental Hardiness and Locus of Control. Not necessarily because they are the very best theories but because they are 'obvious', easily understood, come with great diagrams and are/were included in the Psychology and PE syllabus at both GCSE and A level.

The two together, explained in a general, age relevant manner, usually applied to a superstar or two in their sport, often gives athletes like your DD a framework in which to study themselves without having been asked to

And it should be free you you! The coach/team should be able to include this as part of the ongoing training programme, especially if they are talking about County level and up.

A psychologist wouldn't necessarily be to convince her to stay in the sport, but rather to allow her to make a more thought out decision than just because she doesn't like to get up early.

And if any of her issues stems from performance anxiety, it would help her in other areas of her life.

Precisely Lweji

There s no point in a Psych, or anyone, pressurising an unwilling athlete into continuing. But it is often worth the time to give a wavering one the framework within which to fully explore their feelings of anxiety in any situation, Informed decision making and all that

If she is good at one sport then she is probably good at others, too. It sounds like she is doing a solo sport at the moment - let her take up a team sport instead. Instead of all the performance-anxiety she will have a different pressure of "I mustn't let my teammates down" which is more healthy.

Really hard decision. Lweji has said some great things. A chat with a professional who isn't invested in which way your daughter's decision will go could be very helpful.

One of my dcs quit gymnastics and we had coaches haranguing us 'could be Olympic champion' blah blah blah. She always had comp anxiety. The deciding factor was when she lost interest in training (at this point 11 hours/week). Sometimes she would be flat for a month or so but then would achieve another skill level and have renewed enthusiasm. It was when the flat period went for longer than a month. As others have said, we outlined the situation and encouraged her to finish the term that had been paid for which she did. She then slept and ate for a month solid and was happy with her new lifestyle. There were a couple of times during her teen years when she would be cross that we 'let her' quit but she is now 18 and is very happy with her decision.

Good luck OP.