What's fair for contact arrangements?!

[hungryhippo90]

Been through the wringer a bit lately, whilst trying to find somewhere new to live and breakdown of relationship.

I'm rebuilding my life, I've recently found somewhere new to live, with my low income I'd need Housing benefit- no one accepts Housing benefit, so ex has been helpful enough to say that he will sign the rental agreement with me and pay half the rent instead of maintenance towards DD. (More than he would be expected to pay, but I think it's partly guilt that I ended up without anywhere to live because he fucked up so badly when we were together)

Which I think is very fair of him. It's £500 a month he will be paying.

he is living with his parents, and hopefully getting a grip of his financial situation- he really needs to. If he can sort out the things he needs to, and accepts to be more financially responsible, and go to relationship counselling with me, we may be able to avoid getting divorced. (I've given him 3 months from signing the separation agreement I've written up to deal with creditors+ OR of his bankruptcy which he's in the second year of now! Plus paying all his (meagre) living expenses + maintenance to deal with, and keep up with the payments on)
Must also point out, he's not hard up. His income has dropped, but is still £2800 take home per month.

Now I've set the scene, I'll get to my question,

For contact I'm going to propose that he can see DD for two evenings per week, which he can choose.
1 of which, I would like him to ensure she gets to see his parents. She is close to MIL, and without me specifying this he may not ensure they have a continuing relationship.

2nd night he can do as he chooses, but if he wants to, he can come to the house and cook for himself and DD, I will either go to my room or go out. I don't want to get in the way, but I'm also aware that he wouldn't be able to make meals at his mums because she's the one who cooks in their house and would feel a bit upset if they were eating but not with his parents if that makes sense.

At the weekends, pretty much the same drill. One day plus the night. He can stay if he wishes. I would like 24 hours notice if he plans on staying here so I can go and stay at my dads or something.

I don't want to cause the friction that will happen if he tries to parent differently under his parents roof. Their relationship is already strained. The debts, the gambling, and now he's home because his marriage has broken down, have all made them disappointed in him.

I've also offered to almost share my car with him, he drives a 20 year old, damp and smelly Honda, I worry about the safety of it and don't want my daughter travelling in it. So when he has contact, he is also able to use my car.

Am I being reasonable? I feel like I'm being really controlling. I hope not, because I'm just trying to make things easiest for him, and best for DD.

AIBU?!

Piglet,
Why do you believe that he will be paying over the odds? As pointed out, the £500 is more than the child maintenance alone would be (£105 per week btw in regards to child maintenance for one child. I checked with CSA)
500 per month is £125 per week. The spousal maintenance which would be due to me would be more than the £20 it would be short.

In fact figures online say he should be paying me £815 per month in child maintenance and spousal support. That is with her staying 52 nights per year, which is all that he would be able to have her for (his choice not mine)

I'm not trying to drain the poor bloke! He isn't being asked to/or offering to pay over the odds.

I don't know the process, but if I put the right applications into the courts I'm fairly certain that I would walk away with an order to pay much more.

I obviously don't want the trouble with his bankruptcy or anything else.

ive asked for £300 less than it appears I am entitled to.

He will not have to pay you £815 in CM as PP have pointed out.

The spousal maintenance which would be due to me would be more than the £20 it would be short.

There is absolutely no guarantee that you would get spousal maintenance.

It tends to be only awarded to those whose exs are very high earners. Even then it is often for a limited amount of time.

Your ex is a non discharged bankrupt.

Yes I can see the OR arguing against any SM.

Maybe I'm being really thick and missing something? I just can't understand how I'm asking for less than I am actually due, but you seem to think I'm asking for over the odds.
I'm asking for less than I should be. Excuse me if I've missed something, but to me it seems like you keep saying I'm expecting too much off of him. I'm just going by the guidelines I've found.

Would also be interesting to know what you think would be ideal for him to pay?

nightmare for disbelieving separating women anyway. Signing a new joint tenancy is like signing away your tax credits

He could sign as a guarantor and that would not impact at all and the money he pays could be listed as CM in a agreement

£105 per week btw in regards to child maintenance for one child. I checked with CS

^ this is what HD should be paying.

Piglet, I get that. I do! There is no given that I would receive SM and the OR could disallow it. But CM is still over £400 a month.

Needsa- great, thank you!

I don't agree with a lot of this. In our case our court order says I pay/ paid school fees for 5 children so £50k a year plus. It is not the case that parents only pay CMS rates by the way and plenty of lower earners get spousal maintenance even th3ese days - a friend pays his wife £60k a year spousal maintenance.

As ever usually best to take advice from a solicitor.

a friend pays his wife £60k a year spousal maintenance.

Are you or your friend a non discharged bankrupt?

Your friend also isn't on £2.5k a month.

OP needs proper legal advice.

The OR needs to know. Lying to them could get you both into serious bother.

EnormousTiger - seriously how do you think that your posts are even relevant, let alone helpful.

The fact that your friend pays £60k spousal is entirely irrelevant to the OP. Fred Bloggs pays £1 a year spousal. Humphrey McPugh pay £3m. So?

How is saying a private rental is better than a council rental helpful? A 6 month tenancy vs a 10 year one? Have you ever had to move every six months? Change you kids schools every year? Rely on benefits?

No, you haven't. You'll be suggesting the hungry eat cake next won't you?

For a supposedly clever women you really are entirely unaware of how obtuse you are aren't you?

Are you getting spousal maintainance and child maintainance mixed up or using the term as interchangeable?

Spousal maintainance is a totally different thing to child maintainance one is in most circumstamces a dead cert (unless some type of fraud occurs or he's self employed and not honest) and is not taken into account on income assesments other than legal aid.
The other is hit and miss and is considered income so is taken into account.

Scrap that hadn't realised it was Xenia talking about spousal not the op.

Tiger he's a little clue for you, if they have been ordered to pay 60k spousal they are not a low earner

Spousal maintenance is only payable on surplice disposable income so it's extremely unlikely he would have to pay anything near £300 a month.Living with parents wouldnt be considered a long term arrangement so it would be assumed that he would have housing costs.
The amount of child maintenance seem rather high too.

Child maintenance rates is 12% on gross income not 20% of net income. So online calculators are still using old system.

• some not so.